Worst New Year's Eve Ever

[nooneknowsitsme]

Been sat on the sofa since 11.30pm alone (I only got home from work at 10pm) sobbing my heart out silently, whilst DP of 16 years 'goes to bed early' in the spare bedroom with the door shut so he can lie in bed messaging his OW Happy New Year. He's in the process of buying a house, presumably so they can be together. He thinks I don't know anything, but I do.......
Just looking for a hand hold, worst New Year ever.

Condolences to you, nooneknowsitsme. What an extremely difficult time you're having. Is there anyone in your life who can help you through this?

Have you received counselling to help with your loss?
https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Maybe there are some podcasts someone here can recommend to help you cope with the end of your relationship.

Keep talking to us. There are lots of us who can offer support

Please find someone in real life to talk to OP. A friend, a support group for grief, a counsellor, someone.

I'm so sorry about your terrible year and the loss of your sister.

You deserve so much better, and your life will be better without someone who doesn't have your back in it. I hope you can get the arsehole out sooner rather than later so you can move on with your life and find some well deserved happiness.

What a rotten year you have had, my heart goes out to you.

Make this one better for you by getting rid of this dead weight round your neck.

Start making a plan to regain a brighter future away from this nasty man. Seek legal advice and start being savvy. You'll survive honey, you will and then you will thrive!

Wow, thank you all so much for all the time you've taken and thoughtful words, I'm overwhelmed.

I'm at work today so no plan of imminent action, plus his elderly Mum was taken into Hospital the day after Boxing Day and is quite poorly so that is taking up a lot of time running round getting things for her/visits/discussions with Docs etc.

Been together 16 years, not married, no kids (he has two grown up kids from a previous marriage). Completely separate finances. I don't have access to them nor his phone.

We have rented the same large detached house for 14 years, and it is the only place I have ever felt like home.
I was thinking about how I would manage on my own (could just about afford it), and even whether I wanted to stay here with all the memories. In the meantime, DP gets a phone call to say the elderly owner who lived abroad has passed away and the house will be put up for sale. So now I have the added trauma of losing my home. A complication of that is we pay a well below market rent as we do a few jobs around the place. Rents have gone up so much I don't know if I can even afford a grotty one bedroom flat in the same area. If that's the sort of place I end up I will also have to give up my cat who I adore - that really will break my heart. I can't bear the thought of losing him.

I had a feeling all through Summer something was off. He basically lost all interest in me, never talked to me or asked me how my day was etc.
Whilst I was away before Christmas visiting friends I saw pics online of him and her at a local public outdoor event, and I just KNEW then. There was so much intimacy in the body language in the photos. I sobbed my heart out for 2 days.
I casually mentioned on Boxing Day that I had seen the photos (on a local business Facebook page) and asked who she was, he replied 'just some girl that works there'.
On Boxing Day we ended up going somewhere and she was there, DP almost had a panic and insisted we leave immediately (no reason given), and she couldn't take her eyes off me.
I know her name, where she works and that she is single with a 9 year old child.

I am currently in evidence gathering mode, and have already found presents and a note from her to him hidden away, helpfully dated when I was away back in September.

He just randomly announced one day that he'd had an offer accepted on a house round the corner. So he had made the decision to leave, buy, get a mortgage offer, register with local estate agents, go to viewings and then put an offer in, all without saying a word to me. The betrayal is beyond belief.

I will definitely be looking to get therapy once all the shock has worn off. Thank you for reading all this.

I’m so sorry. They’re both vile. She’ll eventually get to see the real him.

Just a thought:- is the property definitely going on the market? Have you been told personally? Or has he just said he’s been told? It seems a very convenient way/time to get out of renting with you.

Aw, @nooneknowsitsme. You really are going through the wringer.

First things first (this would be my main concern - see my username ).
Your beloved boy 🐈‍⬛ doesn't have to go anywhere, except remain with you.
I believe landlords now have no right to turn you down because of pet ownership....especially one old cat.
Cats will adjust. If push came to shove Im certain your lad would settle, even in a 1 bed flat. Please don't worry.

Next housing. It seems like fate is pointing you to move. Big upheaval, yes. Fresh start, yes. Look, look, and look. Something will turn up, even if this is temporary.

As I said upthread, it will be hard for a period. You will learn and grow from this. You will come out stronger than you ever believed 💪🏻

OP I am so sorry. This last year sounds like you’ve had way more than your fair share of grief, heartache and now the ultimate betrayal. You have every right to feel broken, lost, anxious and devastated. All completely understandable. Must have been a kick in the teeth that you found out about your Dad’s passing way you did. His GF sounds a total rocket. Even if he was a lousy father he was still your Dad and you deserved more. To lose your sister shortly thereafter and so sudden must be so painful. Complex grief not easy to navigate so just need to be extra extra kind to yourself until further notice.
To find out that your DP has now bought a house and is likely cheating, well there’s no coming back from that. 16 years a long time. Fact you rented and he didn’t bother buying a house with you tells all. I’m just glad you have your wee cat. Animals often much better than lousy humans. Get yourself registered as unintentionally homeless with your local authority if you have a notice to quit your home. It’s all incredibly painful, lonely, scary and sad but when you’re going through hell keep going. There’s something in the way you write that seems to show you’re a caring, loyal and lovely person. You don’t deserve any of this. Unfortunately expecting life to treat us kind or fair just because we are good people is a bit like expecting a bull not to charge because we are vegetarian.
One day at a time lovely. Cry all you need to and start planning your exit. If you feel strong enough too let him know you know. Keep your dignity. Exposure important. Tell him you know what’s going on, that he’s hurt you deeply and that you expected better and to be at least treated with respect and kindness. The fact you were not reflects on him. Then wish him all the best. Not because he’s a good person but because you are and don’t give the B the satisfaction of thinking you want him. 2025 be a year for healing ❤️‍🩹 and picking up the pieces. You are not alone and from one MN stranger to another really moved by your story and wishing you and your moggy all the love and laughter again one day you deserve.

I think you should get an appointment with a solicitor asap’ as surely you paid into the relationship making it easier for him to save money. I would also check to see if the story is true about owner evicting you, it could be a ruse to get you out of the area.

OP here. Thank you to everyone that took the time to respond with kindness. It really meant a lot.
He finally moved out 7 weeks ago, a 5 minute walk down the road, although it may as well be 500 miles away as he's disappeared from my life completely.
The last 7 weeks have been absolutely awful. I didn't think it was possible to cry that much. I still didn't take any time off work, just kept going in and trying to act 'normal' whilst there, then curled up on the floor howling when not there.
Apart from going to work, going to counselling once a week, going to the shops to get supplies, I hadn't left the house in about 2 months as I had been worried about bumping into him or worse still, him and her together.
I was managing to just about survive until Sunday, when a friend was visiting. I drove round the corner to see him stood on the pavement in an embrace with her. It was all captured on my car dashcam.
That has totally finished me off. Today is my Birthday and I am completely alone. I have spent this afternoon on the phone to the Samaritans, and have contacted the GP Surgery as I feel I can no longer cope. I think I'm having a breakdown.

I'm so sorry OP, that's just horrific. And so selfish of him to move somewhere so nearby where you have such a higher chance to see him like you just did.

Please believe it will get easier. As unbelievably painful and overwhelming as it feels right now, it will ease, gradually. It's good you're going to your GP, it's the right thing to get all the support you can.

Hang in there x

You’ve done the right thing asking for help with the GP and Samaritans. This will get better. It will x

Sending you love.
You will get through this. You definitely don't want him back.
This birthday is the starting point for your next stage. Visualise where you would like to be next birthday and take steady baby steps towards that place. And reach out, GP, friends, family, support groups.

Hang in there OP. XX

Happy Birthday OP. This too shall pass. It sounds like you are well rid so onward and upward, it's hard but you will get through this xxx

Op, as dark as it feels right now, this will pass. Think of what you woukd advise if a friend was in this position, and write her a plan. Small steps, doing constructive things, little and often. The old you is in there somewhere, and you will find her roar.

Happy birthday, OP. I’m sorry this one feels this painful, the next one will be easier. You’ll have many lovely birthdays ahead of you.

You did well in reaching out, gather all the support you can around you. Community is the only way through something this painful.

And I know it’s not the same at all but we’re also here for you if you need to vent.

Sending you birthday wishes and a hug. Well done on going to work every day, that is a huge achievement in it self. Take it all a day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Buy yourself some flowers tomorrow as a birthday treat, they do not have to be expensive - a bunch or two of daffodils to brighten the room up.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

You poor pet, I am so sorry for you.
Well done in reaching out for help.

Hi OP,
I have never written on here before, but your post is so full of pain. There are so many clichés I could write, and they would be semi true - as clichés always are - and semi ridiculous because you can't see a bright future just now. I hope you can tune in and hear the hum of all these strangers rooting for you, and sending you birthday wishes. Well done for ringing the Samaritans, that is so strong of you. You will not feel like this forever, please do believe that. Stay strong. Xx

Sorry to hear you are going through such pain.
I hope in the long term you can move away as you can’t be a prison in your own home or live in fear of bumping into them. But for now sending you a big hug x

Happy birthday @nooneknowsitsme

Wishing you a much better year.
The last year sounds like a lot to have
coped with, and I’m particularly sorry for your losses.
The ex-not-Dh has behaved awfully, not just the affair and secrecy, but towards you when you lost family members.

It might not seem like it now, but you are so much better without him in your life. Had he behaved like a normal reasonable human, he would have supported and helped you in your grief.

Instead he looked elsewhere and moved on.
Perhaps in time you will see that he was always selfish, and self centred. and that despite the pain you feel now, it’s better that he’s moved on, leaving you free to find someone better.

But for now, while it’s all so raw, reach out to friends, in addition to here. The Samaritans are good, as is the Dr, short term but you sound like you need more. Can you in addition afford to find a good therapist or counsellor, as the nhs offerings will be pills or a short course of cbt.

Sending hugs and birthday wishes OP.

I promise you this will get easier.
Have you considered moving house? Not always easy or possible I know.
Well done for getting into work. Do you have any close friends you could meet for a coffee or a walk?

• Birthday Wishes nooneknowsitsme. * As others have said before, the pain will get less, things will get better.

It’s great you have been able to go to work, congratulations in finding the strength. I would strongly recommend not staying inside your home but go out as much as you can for walks preferably in a green area or even in garden centres.

Look after yourself, if can afford it, maybe go to the hairdresser.
Take care hugs xx