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Original poster

Consequences of stopping wife work...

108 replies

Lostfraggle · 31/12/2024 18:39

On the whole I think DH pulls his weight a lot, and I have stopped as much unequal wife work as I can. However, sometimes me not doing the wife work has a negative consequence on me. What do you do then?

For example:

I seem to be the only person in our household (DH, me, 2 teenage DC who regularly go into the town centre and spend money) who ever buys wrapping paper or Christmas wrapping paper. No one has agreed that I ma in charge of wrapping paper supplies. I also wrap my presents in good time, partly so that I know if I need to get more paper.

This year I decided to buy a certain amount of Christmas paper (in fact I bought most of it discounted in Jan 2024), but when it ran out, not replace it when I had finished wrapping my presents. Any of the rest of the family could have checked at any time if there was enough for them to wrap their presents.

DH only decided to wrap his presents on Christmas Eve (or the day before?). He found there was no wrapping paper in the house so had to go into town to get some. And some other last minute things he needed (which could have been predicted days or weeks in advance). Exactly when there was masses of cleaning and cooking to do because we were hosting several different large groups over the next two days. So I had to do more of that because he hadn't planned ahead and got wrapping paper on the numerous occasions when he was in town in the previous days and had to do a special trip.

Surely it's wife work /extra mental load to remind him days in advance, or when he was going into town earlier in December - "remember to check if there's enough wrapping paper!" Or to myself buy enough for him as well as me (which is inconvenient, as I can't carry multiple rolls with my shopping as I walk or cycle to the shops).

There are loads of other examples where I haven't done the wife work/held the mental load but where it creates more inconvenience/ a bad impact FOR ME, not just a negative consequence for him (which would be fine).

How do you manage that?! Given DH generally does do stuff for the household, and is overall a Good Egg, do I just suck it up and do the wifework where I know it's in my interests? I'd really rather not have to!

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2024 18:41

Simple. I'm in charge of all things house, except the bins. He pays.

mdinbc · 31/12/2024 18:46

Ugh, I guess you say to him that you hope he is more organized next year so that he doesn't leave you hanging on Christmas Eve doing all the prep for family.

Or shout loudly for the whole family to hear "I've just used up the last of the wrapping paper, toilet paper, milk and wine, and the dog has no more food!"

WorkCleanRepeat · 31/12/2024 18:55

To be honest unless it really bothers you I'd just get on with it.

I don't think about tip runs, DIY, car mot's/repairs, bins, or food shopping

and my husband wouldn't think about gift wrap

TangerineClementine · 31/12/2024 19:00

Well, in those circumstances, maybe you could have said you'd do the trip to the shops and leave him to do the cooking and cleaning?

Original poster
Lostfraggle · 31/12/2024 19:06

RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2024 18:41

Simple. I'm in charge of all things house, except the bins. He pays.

I earn more and work more hours! I'm not doing more household things too!

OP posts:
DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 31/12/2024 19:14

It doesn't feel like you're much if a team. I mean there are things I generally handle and others DHb does. But we check in with each other.
If he knew you'd bought wrapping paper then it's reasonable to assume that there was some there for him to use, it you'd give him a heads up if you'd used it all. Buying it, using it and then saying nothing it expecting him to magically know its all give it have to but his own supply seems pretty petty to me.

WaitingforStrike · 31/12/2024 19:19

You aren't wrong OP. It sucks being the only responsible one sometimes

Esmejean · 31/12/2024 19:20

I get what you’re saying, but it does sound like it’s coming from a place of frustration & passive aggression which has ultimately backfired with you having to do more prep for hosting. Surely easier to just bulk buy the wrapping paper.

slightlydistrac · 31/12/2024 19:23

In 25 years, I don't think DH has ever bought wrapping paper, tags or sticky tape. He just assumes they will be available. To be fair, they are, but it would be nice sometimes to unwrap something in paper I don't recognise!

He is pretty good in other ways though, and I genuinely can't remember the last time I ironed anything. Must be a couple of years at least.

Chaseandstatus · 31/12/2024 19:23

I see your dilemma, I guess the only way to handle it ‘fairly’ would be that you discover you also need to do some similar task and then you are both just as behind with doing the food/cleaning prep iyswim. But really you just bugger off in your car and read a book.

Wishiwasatailor · 31/12/2024 19:27

Not quite the answer you are looking for but I do all the shopping every week.....takes me at least 2hrs but I do a click and collect and read my book in my favourite coffee shop

AnnaMagnani · 31/12/2024 19:30

In your example, there are a number of solutions.

You ask him if 'we' have enough wrapping paper? Make it a shared thing rather than something you are always responsible for.

When there is no wrapping paper on Xmas Eve he has choices:
improvise with newspaper/plastic bags/pillow cases
not wrap anything at all

One of the choices should not be go and buy wrapping paper - you as a team don't have time for this as he has so many other tasks to do.

LottieMary · 31/12/2024 19:31

Definitely fine to stop but if the expectations established then he needs a heads up you're not doing it anymore. Like wrapping paper, warning him you've bought what you need or that it's run out and if you've still wrapping to do you'll need some, or a month before his mums birthday tell him you're not doing it - even framed as 'so, what are you buying your mum this year? It'd be best if you took care of your side of the family gift wise'
After that if it's not done then don't accept the consequences - was there really nothing you could have left for him to do when he got back?

pikkumyy77 · 31/12/2024 19:31

But surely the situation is really more like you chose to use the last drop of milk right before you knew everyone would come downstairs and instead if putting it on the shopping list or getting more you complained that they were late to grab it.

I can see that this us just an example but this particular example is easily silved. Treat the wrapping paper as a household good and notify everyone that it has run out. If the party prep needs to take precedence because dp or the children are disorganized just say “no: party prep takes precedence.” His Failure to plan is not your crisis.

WaitingforStrike · 31/12/2024 19:33

Then she'd get unwrapped presents, so she still loses out

Itsallgonesideways · 31/12/2024 19:37

Tell your family that they're each responsible to buy wrapping paper in the sales now. They should buy a few rolls of plain & Christmas print wrapping paper for the year ahead.

BigFatLiar · 31/12/2024 19:38

Does this sort of thing matter if your both pulling your weight. For something as basic as presents I do the wrapping as if he did the wrapping they'd look like fish suppers. The only presents he wraps are for me. We have a board in the kitchen to write anything that's running low but we still forget sometimes. Nothing to get mad about.

Illinoise · 31/12/2024 19:38

RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2024 18:41

Simple. I'm in charge of all things house, except the bins. He pays.

I earn the same as DH and still do more, this is where the problem lies.

what if he ever leaves you? Who’ll pay then?

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 31/12/2024 19:47

WaitingforStrike · 31/12/2024 19:19

You aren't wrong OP. It sucks being the only responsible one sometimes

Yeah this

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 31/12/2024 20:11

RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2024 18:41

Simple. I'm in charge of all things house, except the bins. He pays.

Are you the stay home parent

has he made provisions for you if he dies adding to your pension pot etc

Nothatgingerpirate · 31/12/2024 20:11

RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2024 18:41

Simple. I'm in charge of all things house, except the bins. He pays.

👍
I'm in charge of all things house, except stuff physically too heavy and the car.
He pays as well.
Worked so far for 20 years.

stayathomer · 31/12/2024 20:14

I thought you were going to say he gave out that you hadn’t bought the wrapping paper. People have to get extra bits and pieces sometimes, you both just delegate talk over what he’ll do when he gets back/ you go to get the wrapping paper if you want him to cook etc. or you remind him the papers gone/ nearly gone.

GravyBoatWars · 31/12/2024 20:16

This seems like a misuse of the term wifework to an extent. Surely the person who notices a household consumable is low or use the last of it adds it to the household shopping list or orders more? My teens know to “add it to the list” or send a text to the normal family shopper if they use up most or all of something even though they’re of course not responsible for actually supplying our household goods. You used the last of the Christmas wrapping paper so I’d expect you to make sure it got replenished the same way you surely would with milk or toilet roll, right?

Nn9011 · 31/12/2024 20:17

Lostfraggle · 31/12/2024 18:39

On the whole I think DH pulls his weight a lot, and I have stopped as much unequal wife work as I can. However, sometimes me not doing the wife work has a negative consequence on me. What do you do then?

For example:

I seem to be the only person in our household (DH, me, 2 teenage DC who regularly go into the town centre and spend money) who ever buys wrapping paper or Christmas wrapping paper. No one has agreed that I ma in charge of wrapping paper supplies. I also wrap my presents in good time, partly so that I know if I need to get more paper.

This year I decided to buy a certain amount of Christmas paper (in fact I bought most of it discounted in Jan 2024), but when it ran out, not replace it when I had finished wrapping my presents. Any of the rest of the family could have checked at any time if there was enough for them to wrap their presents.

DH only decided to wrap his presents on Christmas Eve (or the day before?). He found there was no wrapping paper in the house so had to go into town to get some. And some other last minute things he needed (which could have been predicted days or weeks in advance). Exactly when there was masses of cleaning and cooking to do because we were hosting several different large groups over the next two days. So I had to do more of that because he hadn't planned ahead and got wrapping paper on the numerous occasions when he was in town in the previous days and had to do a special trip.

Surely it's wife work /extra mental load to remind him days in advance, or when he was going into town earlier in December - "remember to check if there's enough wrapping paper!" Or to myself buy enough for him as well as me (which is inconvenient, as I can't carry multiple rolls with my shopping as I walk or cycle to the shops).

There are loads of other examples where I haven't done the wife work/held the mental load but where it creates more inconvenience/ a bad impact FOR ME, not just a negative consequence for him (which would be fine).

How do you manage that?! Given DH generally does do stuff for the household, and is overall a Good Egg, do I just suck it up and do the wifework where I know it's in my interests? I'd really rather not have to!

You leave half of the cleaning and cooking for him to do when he comes home and say next year he has to buy the stuff further in advance. If it doesn't get done you blame him.

DorothyStorm · 31/12/2024 20:21

TangerineClementine · 31/12/2024 19:00

Well, in those circumstances, maybe you could have said you'd do the trip to the shops and leave him to do the cooking and cleaning?

Edited

Then she is still doing one of the jobs.

if have said id wait for him to get home before we started cleaning and cooking.

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