Consequences of stopping wife work...

[Lostfraggle]

On the whole I think DH pulls his weight a lot, and I have stopped as much unequal wife work as I can. However, sometimes me not doing the wife work has a negative consequence on me. What do you do then?

For example:

I seem to be the only person in our household (DH, me, 2 teenage DC who regularly go into the town centre and spend money) who ever buys wrapping paper or Christmas wrapping paper. No one has agreed that I ma in charge of wrapping paper supplies. I also wrap my presents in good time, partly so that I know if I need to get more paper.

This year I decided to buy a certain amount of Christmas paper (in fact I bought most of it discounted in Jan 2024), but when it ran out, not replace it when I had finished wrapping my presents. Any of the rest of the family could have checked at any time if there was enough for them to wrap their presents.

DH only decided to wrap his presents on Christmas Eve (or the day before?). He found there was no wrapping paper in the house so had to go into town to get some. And some other last minute things he needed (which could have been predicted days or weeks in advance). Exactly when there was masses of cleaning and cooking to do because we were hosting several different large groups over the next two days. So I had to do more of that because he hadn't planned ahead and got wrapping paper on the numerous occasions when he was in town in the previous days and had to do a special trip.

Surely it's wife work /extra mental load to remind him days in advance, or when he was going into town earlier in December - "remember to check if there's enough wrapping paper!" Or to myself buy enough for him as well as me (which is inconvenient, as I can't carry multiple rolls with my shopping as I walk or cycle to the shops).

There are loads of other examples where I haven't done the wife work/held the mental load but where it creates more inconvenience/ a bad impact FOR ME, not just a negative consequence for him (which would be fine).

How do you manage that?! Given DH generally does do stuff for the household, and is overall a Good Egg, do I just suck it up and do the wifework where I know it's in my interests? I'd really rather not have to!

You're welcome. It was revelatory and shows that there is a substantial selfish section of the male population that deliberately does nothing knowing they women will pick up the slack.

I don't know if it's because we're programmed or shamed into it or whether we genuinely realise that if we don't do something then the kids will literally starve and/or die. Surely men must see that too? But they know we'll pick it up and then they don't have to.

@WhiteHairedMyrtle i think it creeps up so slowly you dint always realise.

Like, at some point, dh started to leave his cup above the dishwasher rather than in it before leaving for work. And I did it, because why not? It’s just a cup right? (And then I got utterly frustrated and told him off 😂😂)

But mainly, it happens because they’re better at waiting until the last minute before doing anything.
As dc2 told me before, ‘why would I organise these things. Dc1 is doing it anyway’. That was me trying to encourage teen dc2 to be more independent and actually take responsibility. (Note: both dc are male and only 18 months apart. And we were talking about an activity they both love….).
Why doing (boring) tasks if someone else will do it if you wait long enough?

It's a learning curve. If it happens again next year, then there's an issue.

One of the things that really started annoying me about my ex was that he kept saying that things would work themselves out (when I was worried that we hadn't sorted something that needed to be sorted). Of course, what that meant was, he knew I would sort it out.

I had a flatmate who left a single used teaspoon in the sink. It's just a teaspoon, he said. It's your washing up, I replied. It took a week of telling him but eventually he stopped doing it. I think he was annoyed by me bringing it up all the time.

Relentless consistency is the only thing that works.

Op - your H seems to be mostly OK and doing a fair share of household duties. And day-to-day groceries and responsibilities seem to be fairly split.
But at the same time, you seem to be fighting some Cold War? Over Xmas paper - that happens once a year?

I don't think it's a proper use of "wife work" in this case. You used the last of Xmas paper. You knew there wasn't any left, and you knew no one replenished it. That is backfired - is a learning for all - not just him. You too.
The saying "cutting the nose to spite the face" came to mind when I was reading your post.

I think your resentment comes from the fact that you are a planner - and do things in advance. And your H is a last minute guy - and you think he should change. I think - it is unreasonable - as wrapping presents in advance, is as OK as wrapping them the night before.
I do think it is unreasonable to use the last of Xmas wrapping paper and NOT let the other people in the household know.

Thank you for all the replies. I get that in this one instance it was petty, game playing, and didn't actually really achieve anything. But it was meant to be an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about. We have split predictable and regular chores fairly fairly. He does those. But it feels like anything else falls to me - and for those posters saying: "just remind him to buy wrapping paper" - that's exactly the point! That's the mental load too! I don't think he would a) notice or b) remind me to buy wrapping paper. He does put groceries/other household stuff we get in the weekly shop on the list when we run out, but not this kind of thing. See also: pritt stick, envelopes, stamps, sellotape etc etc.

Another example from today: DC2 is going on the school ski trip (yes I know we are very lucky to be able to afford that). DC1 went previously. Someone needed to remember to check that we can find all of DC1's ski clothes, check it fits DC2, check with DC1 whether any other ski stuff would have been useful to have on the trip (we never ski as a family so I have no idea). Then sort out any additional clothes/stuff in good time.

If left to DH, I'm sure he would have done it a few days before the trip, meaning no time to get second hand /sale item stuff (eg if the ski jacket didn't fit) and probably needing a trip to the shops to pay full price on an inconvenient evening. So guess who has done all that today in good time...

Yes, I could have asked him to do all that. But again, it's exhausting being the default parent thinking about all those things.

Yes, I am definitely a planner and he is definitely more last minute - and I spend (waste?!) a lot of emotional energy reminding myself that sometimes (often?!) there are just different ways of doing things and my way isn't always better....

I gave up all wife work when my DH retired three years ago, It’s been an interesting few years.

YES! Have you read this article about pretty much exactly this?

It happens every year that I am the only person in the household to remember to buy wrapping paper and then remember to buy more than I need, because I anticipate that no one else will bother to buy any....

Ah, good article, thanks for linking - totally agree that advice to "just let things fail" doesn't work....

Think I've seen that linked on here before. Interesting way of getting couples to talk about the issue (i wonder how many men initiate that conversation /suggest buying the cards...).

In our case, I have a feeling that it's all the things that wouldn't necessarily neatly fit onto one of the Fair Play cards though....

Sorry I know it’s one example and people have already raised it but I don’t think your wrapping paper example is a good one.

If I knew my partner was buying wrapping paper I’d presume he was aiming to buy enough for all of us. If he’d used the last of it I would expect him to mention it so the next person who went shopping could pick up another roll. I would be really annoyed to go wrap my presents only to find an empty /nearly empty roll with him having not mentioned it! Or if he was only buying for him I’d expect him to ask whether I wanted him to get some for me not just buy less than normal quietly when he’d previously got more.

I am also a planner so I understand your pain with examples like the ski kit but I think for some things you either need to let them do it their way or you need to talk about it and agree who’s doing what. You could say it’s wife work that you need to ask him to check that DC’s ski stuff fits by x date so you can grab something on sale if it doesn’t or you could just see it as team work.

what I’m trying to say is pick your battles. It sounds like you have in regards to things like his families presents (I did exactly the same!) but you need to extend this to the joint stuff.

in your wrapping paper example we woukd have already divided up the chores so him nipping out for half an hour wouldn’t of meant I’d do more it just mean he’s got more to do when he’s back. I’d probably soften and help him with some bits but I wouldn’t push myself to exhaustion.

Relentless consistency is the only thing that works
I have also found this to be true. But then of course it turns me into a “nag”.

I would have told him there’s no paper left and then had reason to complain when he didn’t replace it and had to dash out last minute. I wouldn’t have reminded him loads and I would have left jobs for him to do when he returned.

Ultimately though I do end up doing more, I just try and make sure that happens on my terms (by relentless nagging).

Things like the ski trip prep - control over how and when things are done usually goes hand in hand with the mental load of the task. You absolutely could have
said to your DH early on “would you be in charge of helping DC2 figure out which of DC1’s old ski things will work and buying whatever he still needs? If you do it early a lot of the kit can probably be bought second hand” and then let go. Would it have been done in your optimized way and time frame? Probably not, but that may be a reasonable trade off for handing off that task. Are you still the one thinking of the task to begin with? Yes. But you’re a family not a group of flatmates and there are likely plenty of things your DH tracks that you are unaware of.

For things like wrapping paper, you’re talking about you buying enough wrapping paper for your needs and then everyone expecting you to buy extra for their needs. But this is a household consumable and again, you’re a family not a group of flatmates. Buy gift wrap for the family or put it on a shopping list for DH (along with a note about how much the family goes through the first time you pass off this task). Then set the expectation that things like gift wrap and stationary are included in the “if you use some and we’re running low/out, add it to the family shopping list” just like milk and toilet roll.

I do understand some of your frustration, but it sounds like your relationship is generally good and I don’t think much good will come out of treating your DH and teens like roommates living in parallel. That’s a tactic that can be useful for saving sanity while you ride out the end of a dying relationship, not much more.

I know we're not flatmates but why does it feel like it's always me oiling the wheels (on these additional things) so the house operates well!

Another example: I forgot to help the younger DC2 organise a present for a birthday party they were going to. DH never remembers so this is one of those default things that always just seems to fall to me even though we haven't agreed that specifically. DH had to take DC2 to Asda at the last minute and get a fairly rubbish /generic present when if one of us had remembered sooner we could have taken DC2 into town to pick something more thoughtful or ordered something online.

I think he thinks that a thoughtful present isn't necessary and it's perfect fine to get anything random from Asda. So this is also probably an example of us having different standards.

I think the point is that DH probably thinks that we do 50/50 of mental and actual load but when you add up all the ad hoc things, that all seem to fall to me, I am fairly sure that it's not 50/50...

OP, your teenager can be responsible for figuring out a gift with the help of his dad.

Again, the mental load often comes along with control. If you want to control what standard of birthday gift your teenager gives his friend then you will also need to keep the mental load. Otherwise, let it go. Ask your DC “hey, have you thought of a birthday gift for X? [this is you as a parent reminding your teen that it’s appropriate to bring a gift to a birthday party] Ask your dad to take you shopping before the party if you need” and then cross it off your mental list. Let them figure something out - your standards are irrelevant at that point.

I think things like the ski clothes is more parental duty as such than wife work. Your method to do this is plan in advance and your DH’s is more last minute which would achieve the same result. It’s just his way doesn’t align with your way.

The present thing is a parental thing too - most people rush to get a last minute gift for kids friends anyway or take the easy option and stick £10 or whatever amount in an envelope.

It sounds a little like you want your DH to plan and do things the way you want and if his methods don’t align with yours, it’s not good enough.

I totally get where you’re coming from OP and I do agree with you. However, I have come to the conclusion that men just don’t think the way we do. I know that’s not a popular opinion on here but I believe it to be true.

My DH doesn’t do half of what your DH does but I concede that he allows me to work part-time, so I pick up most of the other jobs. I do ALL the thinking for our DD. I simply couldn’t trust him to do certain things for her and I think it’s because really men don’t care about those things as much as women, so it never occurs to them. (Maybe coz his Mum did all those child related things).

I mean it wouldn’t occur to my DH that he needed to go out and buy wrapping paper. I always end up buying too much or have left overs anyway as I like to wrap presents in different paper, so he just uses what is there. He will always leave his wrappping til last minute, so I always get first choice of the paper but he couldn’t care less what he wrapped something in, as long as it was wrapped! (I have known him to use tin foil!) I know that was just a simple example you used though.

I think it boils down to most women are the primary caregiver/manager of the house as men just aren’t that bothered about the same things, so simply don’t prioritise or think about it.

You just need to accept this I guess and ensure he does take care of other things that you don’t 🤷‍♀️

@Lostfraggle - what I read into this is that you’re always there to pick up the slack but there’s no one to catch you if you drop one of your thousands of spinning plates. That’s not a nice way to live. Your contribution is so taken for granted that it’s not even acknowledged as a contribution. But chances are, without you there as director of operations in the background, things would grind to a halt quick smart, or as a minimum, cost twice as much due to last minute purchases, no looking for bargains in advance etc (eg ski trip example). As the substack link shows, it is infuriating as you or the DC lose out if you try to encourage your DP to step up.

Well I've been single for years now. But I cannot, cannot imagine being in a relationship where this would matter.

@Dollshousedolly im not sure I follow you in making g a difference between wife work and parental duties.
For me, they’re the same thing. Things that have to be done and are BOTH our responsibility.
Except, often, they’re just my responsibility.

Also there is a difference in between doing things last minute vs planning. Cost (eg new vs second hand) and potentially not having the item (which if going in a ski trip and misdiagnosed g ski trousers would be …. A bit of an issue).

Which actually points out towards another issue.
Women are doing about 80% of the buying (of all things). Because they’re the ones who deal with all the day t9 day stuff, children stuff etc… that also means they’re the ones often dealing with budget and finding best offers etc….
If you have someone blowing the budget because they don’t plan, which then leaves you having to balance the budget yet again, yes it’s an issue. Planning, at least for me, is often more about planning budget rather than being a planner (see eg Christmas and spreading the cost….)

Thats not true? In every example the dh strps in snd catches the plate but mire expensively or less so oally meaningfully than oP wants. The birthday gift was crap but Op is the only one who cares.

Why is it so much "emotional energy" OP.

Just have a calendar, write lists: short term, for daily review. Medium: check once a week, Monthly: birthdays and holidays. Ongoing: Christmas present stash, holiday clothes, household items that need replacement

That's not "energy", that's organisation and routine.

So you both forgot. Both of you. And dh was the one that resolved it. It may not have been your preferred resolution but he sorted it.

What do you mean generic gift from Asda? Isn’t that what most people do?

How old is the child that was being bought for? I presume quite young, as surely if they are older teens it would have been your teens job to sort out a present for a friend.

I think there’s a difference between being put upon and putting on yourself. and in the scheme of things, what difference did it actually make? Was the child upset and hurt that their present came from Asda? If you want him to take over gift buying for parties. Discuss that. But then you have to accept it won’t be done in your way.

If you want to take time out to shop for a present that’s more personal and this is something that’s important to you, then you are choosing to put that pressure on yourself.