Consequences of stopping wife work...

[Lostfraggle]

On the whole I think DH pulls his weight a lot, and I have stopped as much unequal wife work as I can. However, sometimes me not doing the wife work has a negative consequence on me. What do you do then?

For example:

I seem to be the only person in our household (DH, me, 2 teenage DC who regularly go into the town centre and spend money) who ever buys wrapping paper or Christmas wrapping paper. No one has agreed that I ma in charge of wrapping paper supplies. I also wrap my presents in good time, partly so that I know if I need to get more paper.

This year I decided to buy a certain amount of Christmas paper (in fact I bought most of it discounted in Jan 2024), but when it ran out, not replace it when I had finished wrapping my presents. Any of the rest of the family could have checked at any time if there was enough for them to wrap their presents.

DH only decided to wrap his presents on Christmas Eve (or the day before?). He found there was no wrapping paper in the house so had to go into town to get some. And some other last minute things he needed (which could have been predicted days or weeks in advance). Exactly when there was masses of cleaning and cooking to do because we were hosting several different large groups over the next two days. So I had to do more of that because he hadn't planned ahead and got wrapping paper on the numerous occasions when he was in town in the previous days and had to do a special trip.

Surely it's wife work /extra mental load to remind him days in advance, or when he was going into town earlier in December - "remember to check if there's enough wrapping paper!" Or to myself buy enough for him as well as me (which is inconvenient, as I can't carry multiple rolls with my shopping as I walk or cycle to the shops).

There are loads of other examples where I haven't done the wife work/held the mental load but where it creates more inconvenience/ a bad impact FOR ME, not just a negative consequence for him (which would be fine).

How do you manage that?! Given DH generally does do stuff for the household, and is overall a Good Egg, do I just suck it up and do the wifework where I know it's in my interests? I'd really rather not have to!

It's bizarre to me that you'd be buying wrapping paper anyway but you'd deliberately make sure there wasn't enough for everyone when every year before you'd bought enough for everyone. So rather than tell anyone there wouldn't be enough paper, you've let dh discover this on xmas eve as some weird passive aggressive power play and then got annoyed because he hasn't bought some - because he never had to before and you didn't tell him you'd deliberately only bought enough for yourself. If you're going to only buy enough for yourself then own it and tell him in advance. Them maybe think about why your relationship is so shit that you have to do stuff like this to prove a point instead of just talking about it like adults.

Some people's relationships are very odd.

But why is it the wife's job to organise everyone else?

Most folks have missed the point totally

make a list, remind him yeah right most would forget unless hes been given said list then they phone to ask repeatedly and god forbid you’ve missed an item more so if it’s something. He needed.
tell him in advance see above
That’s the mental load x more it’s bloody exhausting
having a planner is all well and good who does it first the woman of course and does he add to it not many would they’d bitch and whinge at the wife why didn’t you remind me bollocks

most men will do the bare minimum and women don’t want to do that more so if it involves the kids, thinking on food, clothes etc

dropping the ball doesn’t ever work if it involves kids.

I bought enough wrapping paper for everyone this year (as I always do) because I combine it with the mental load and actual load of doing the big shop. If we run out, I buy more in the next shop.

I also took on the mental load of reminding DH to buy his own wrap for my presents. Not precious about it but it adds to the variety of papers under the tree which I like. Saying that sentence was exhausting.

@Lostfraggle Do you have a device like Google Home? Our shopping list is on ours and the golden rule is that when something runs low or is needed, it's added to the list.

Whoever goes shopping (often DH/or we order online) then buys everything on the list.

It's only one area of the domestic load but it saves a lot of hassle, especially as DH has ADHD.

YES! No one in the household does these kind of things that benefit me! But I am constantly scanning around spotting and doing (or delegating - that's still mental load) these things.

The Fair Play system a PP mentioned above has a really good point about agreeing what the "minimum standard of care" is for each task. They give the example of doing the dishes. Some people might consider it important to do them straight away. Others might think by the end of the day was fine. Others might just wait until there's no more room by the sink and do it when they're piled up. So you need to agree as a couple.

I think part of my problem is I have a higher standard of care for stuff - in all kinds of ways. That might be that things are bought cost-effectively, or in good time, or crap doesn't pile up at home. So either I need to lower my standards or I persuade DH to go with my standards.

On the dishes we actually have a similar "standard of care" without even having discussed it. But it's on the millions of other tasks where there isn't an allocated adult and where it feels like I pull much more weight!

OP, I am actually very sympathetic to your issues because I recognise frustrations in my own life. BUT, having said that, I think this comment from a PP is really spot on: Again, the mental load often comes along with control.

If you want things done YOUR way, and to YOUR standard all the time, then the mental load will never disappear. There are definitely times where this standard can be negotiated - eg in our house, DH is responsible for changing the bed linen. If I was not here, he would happily change it no more often than fortnightly, maybe 3 weekly. But we have agreed weekly because I can't bear to sleep in bedding that is not changed at least that often, x100 since perimenopuse and night sweats started .

We have also had discussions sometimes heated about what constitutes acceptable standards when he is responsible for feeding the DC. I am overall in charge of all meal planning and preparation and I accept that no one in his family (men or women ) have any interest in food planning, prep, cooking etc, but we have had to reach a level of compromise whereby I can remove the mental load of meal prep for the days I cam not here, but do so knowing that a minimum standard will be met.

Other things you have to let go - the teen's present not being the way you'd do it? So be it. The skiing kit not the way you'd do it - unless money is super tight and his way is therefore having a real financial impact, so be it.

Having said all that, I think the "no one thinks about me" thing is actually a really big issue. feeling like no one ever looks around and thinks, "if I do this, Lost's life will be a bit better" is upsetting and I think it happens to a lot of women. DH has got so much better about this over the years but I did have to point out that it felt sometimes that he just never thought about me. Even just silly little things - he'd buy a treat for himself but not for me, or if he did buy for me, he'd buy the same treat he'd bought himself, even though I don't like that thing.