Consequences of stopping wife work...

[Lostfraggle]

On the whole I think DH pulls his weight a lot, and I have stopped as much unequal wife work as I can. However, sometimes me not doing the wife work has a negative consequence on me. What do you do then?

For example:

I seem to be the only person in our household (DH, me, 2 teenage DC who regularly go into the town centre and spend money) who ever buys wrapping paper or Christmas wrapping paper. No one has agreed that I ma in charge of wrapping paper supplies. I also wrap my presents in good time, partly so that I know if I need to get more paper.

This year I decided to buy a certain amount of Christmas paper (in fact I bought most of it discounted in Jan 2024), but when it ran out, not replace it when I had finished wrapping my presents. Any of the rest of the family could have checked at any time if there was enough for them to wrap their presents.

DH only decided to wrap his presents on Christmas Eve (or the day before?). He found there was no wrapping paper in the house so had to go into town to get some. And some other last minute things he needed (which could have been predicted days or weeks in advance). Exactly when there was masses of cleaning and cooking to do because we were hosting several different large groups over the next two days. So I had to do more of that because he hadn't planned ahead and got wrapping paper on the numerous occasions when he was in town in the previous days and had to do a special trip.

Surely it's wife work /extra mental load to remind him days in advance, or when he was going into town earlier in December - "remember to check if there's enough wrapping paper!" Or to myself buy enough for him as well as me (which is inconvenient, as I can't carry multiple rolls with my shopping as I walk or cycle to the shops).

There are loads of other examples where I haven't done the wife work/held the mental load but where it creates more inconvenience/ a bad impact FOR ME, not just a negative consequence for him (which would be fine).

How do you manage that?! Given DH generally does do stuff for the household, and is overall a Good Egg, do I just suck it up and do the wifework where I know it's in my interests? I'd really rather not have to!

Surely, you could have just said DH, I’ve used all the wrapping paper, you’ll need to buy more. Is it really wife work to mention this ?? Surely it’s all, part of teamwork/living with someone. Otherwise you might as well be two strangers living in the same house.

Like if your DH notices there’s no milk in the fridge, would you not expect him to go pick some up, rather than think - this is husband work, I’m not doing it.

I think that would have been a great idea.
And I’d have taken my time too.

I imagine it would have meant finishing later in the day at the very least eating into relaxing/rest time at the end of the day.
I would much prefer going out to buy wrapping paper than doing more of tye cooking/cleaning

You might find this useful:

https://open.substack.com/pub/rachelhewitt/p/how-to-manage-the-mental-load-of

Why letting things fail doesn't work.

It might be just a bad example you have given. But I would expect in my house, for the person who used the last do something to speak up.

If Dp used the last of the toilet roll, I would expect him to say. He was the last in the house to buy toilet roll, but he would still say he had used the last pieces. Then one of use would go to the shop for it.

It sounds like you haven’t had a real conversation about stopping the wife work. The whole point is to start actually working together as a team. You can’t do that if one person has decided to stop doing things they normally do but communicate that. Of course that will have a negative impact on everyone in the household.

The way you are doing it is setting everyone up for failure. Dp always takes our bins out. Every Monday night. If he decided he wasn’t doing it anymore, but didn’t tell me. I would be pissed off. He takes on that task. Why would I think to check the bin has gone out when he always does it? If he had a conversation and said ‘I am fed up with being the one that always does the bins’ we would take it turns. Just like one of the bills I always sort is the water bill. I would fully expect dp to be pissed off if I decided I no longer want to do it with no conversation.

You need a conversation about it. Then if he still isn’t stepping up, be pissed off.

Sorry, don’t get the ‘wife work’ thing.

DH and I are a team. We divide household tasks as a team. I prefer the house-related tasks and he prefers the garden jobs, but I built the flower beds/landscaped and do most of the decorating, but he does all the heavy grunt work. Yes, I buy the gift wrap and celotape, but when he takes the kids xmas shopping a few days before xmas, he usually remembers to top these up if I’ve texted him that we’re short. It’s about communication, isn’t it? And appreciating the contribution of both parties to the joint venture of marriage and parenting.

Make a list of what needs doing or buying, divvy up the list between you.

I just don't do some things, they get done. DH occasionally asks if we need stuff from town/the shops so I might say "wrapping paper".
There are a few things that are quite gendered that we are individually in charge of due to what we learned to do growing up in the 60s/70s/80s. I make costumes and cushion covers, he does DIY though I can possibly paint and change light bulbs, put up pictures.
But he remembers non uniform days, school trips, Scout events, Christmas fairs and most medical and disability related appointments. I fill in some child related forms and he does others. We have a rental flat and he does the admin there for the most part.

Why do you have to remember for him though?

For the same reason he might have to remind me to put the bins out when he’s away? Or remind me to book the car in for its MOT, or I remind the kids to empty their bins? Because we’re a team?

My marriage isn’t like this. No games. Just communication.

Simple conversation. Why wouldn’t you just pick up wrapping paper in the weekly shop? Seems like your marriage is all tactics and secret warfare over trivia.

We use the Google Keep app for shopping stuff, it's a game changer!

look up the fair play system - it’s interesting and takes into consideration how to divvy up the mental toll!

It’s fine if you are in charge of some things and he is in charge of some things. You both need to play to your strengths. As long as he is doing other stuff for you?? Or are you doing absolutely everything

I think 90% of my mental load is stock taking. I always think they should sell bins that read bar codes as you chuck the wrapping away/recycle and automatically restock the item in your online shop basket.

I know subscribe and save schemes are supposed to do this but I always get the timings wrong and end up with 300 items and they're still delivering more!

Sometimes I feel sorry for my dh. It often seems like he is the only man not to marry a mug. He manages to be competent at house/kid stuff. Poor guy.

I genuinely came on thinking I would be able to offer some advice. However, evading prep work by conveniently forgetting to buy wrapping paper? Nope.

This.
Tell him to spend money of food bits to save you prep work as you have to do more.

I wouldn't have a problem telling him a week ten days before Christmas that he better be organised as he needs to share the hosting load and not skive off cos he wasn't organised in time.
I would warn him that if he does this again, I will be well pissed off with him.

So giving in and going back to the 1950s then. Let’s not bother to expect men to be better. Great. 🙄

The reminders about presents/cards for his side of the family is wifework I stopped many years ago - and the consequences have no impact on me - ie his family get no /late presents!

My DH is great at the doing. He just doesn't think ahead so similar to you in some ways OP. Eg I always book kids' dental appointments. He always says 'I'm happy to take them' and I know he would, but never plans ahead to book them so is invariably not available.

Honestly I'm usually not prone to passive aggression with DH or anyone but in this case...er yes! But that's self-sabotaged because it made things more of a hassle for me!

Yes but why is it the wife who very often a) notices and b) replenishes? I think he would just use that up and then not replenish. In our household we do have a system for groceries and toiletries though and he notices /replenishes them.

I hate the term wife work . I also think life’s too short to be petty about not buying enough wrapping paper , surely the whole point of being married is that you are a team . It is here .

i would have - and have done - said "wrap them in whatever paper we have after we have done the prep that we need to do.

And if he'd insisted on going out at that time? I'd have either done some of the work and left him the rest, or sat with my feet up until he'd come back.

And you remind everyone for future reference that when you buy presents, you also get the means of wrapping them.

Why does it need lots of cleaning? I just change the beds, that's it done. Cooking all happens on the day, just veg prep evening before. Doesn't take long to wrap gifts. What is he doing the rest of the time?