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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going to the gym for attention?

104 replies

Gabriella12 · 31/12/2024 14:03

I’m wondering whether I’m just being paranoid and going over the top, but thought I’d ask for some opinions regardless.

So my husband is obsessed with the gym, weight lifting to be precise. He literally goes every single day unless he’s ill ( which is rare ) or if he works late ( he owns his own business ). It’s got to the point where he’s very muscly and he gets a lot of comments from other people. I just find it bizarre as he’s never been interested in the whole 15 years that we’ve been together. He even went every day when we were on holiday. I mean, he looks great, but I feel he’s doing it for an ulterior motive other than just fitness.

I compliment him a lot, but he just says it doesn’t count what I say as I’m his wife and have to compliment him. He also said if really attractive girls were to make a comment that when he’d know that he was doing well, which is so unlike him to say.

I just feel as he’s pushing 40, and happily married ( as far as I know ), it’s weird to have such an obsession. I’d rather he took the kids or dog out more instead of going there every day. I feel we have a fairly good sex life aswel so I don’t think it’s that.

Anyway, hopefully I get some useful comments. Thanks. G xxx

OP posts:
HelenInHeels · 31/12/2024 15:36

Spanneredfee · 31/12/2024 14:08

This is such a weird take? The blokes trying to probably focus on his fitness and mental health (let’s remember male mental health and suicide crisis) and you’re all saying LTB ha! Imagine if he was grossly overweight and slobbing about playing video games! You’d all be raging!

You've not understood the post. He thinks he's hot stuff and is trying to wind up his wife.

Lurkingandlearning · 31/12/2024 15:48

The comment about knowing he was doing well if really attractive women complimented him (rather than praise from you) was disrespectful to you but so pathetic it made me snort laugh. What a dick.

It might be the mid life nonsense and I’m not sure what you can do about it but I do sympathise

smithey85 · 31/12/2024 17:41

This thread is absolutely bonkers.

No where else anywhere online would a man be slated for going to the gym and trying to be and stay fit and healthy. Only on mumsnet.

Can you imagine what the responses would be if it was a man posting about his DW going to the gym every day to look and feel good. He’d get battered.

About the compliments - likely not true , given how many other men and likely fitter and more attractive younger men will be at the gym at the same time but if it was; it’s nice to receive a compliment and share with others. A spouse will always say they think there DP is hot regardless so coming from a stranger , regardless of their sex, is much more self asserting.

why don’t you go with him to work out with him and make it about both of you and not just him?

Probablyshouldntsay · 31/12/2024 17:46

Me ex did this at 38/39
started lifting and within a year was taking shirtless pics and posting them to Facebook, changed his WhatsApp pic etc.
when we spoke about it he agreed that it was because he wanted validation for the way he looked now. He didn’t care that I loved him no matter what he looked like.
He made friends with girls from the gym and was indignant when I questioned the nights out etc that started happening. THEN he started listening to Joe rogan’s podcast and it rapidly declined from there.
I’ve heard through the grapevine that none of the gym ladies were interested in his overtures, he’s single now, living with his parents.
he had the cheek to complain to me that women only want men with a new car, own home, 6ft tall etc. I actually pity him.

Strikeoutnow · 31/12/2024 17:50

Plenty of women go to the gym everyday & like to look good. But there may be a mid life crisis re losing his looks, I think men & women suffer from it. I’ve got friends in my circle who have spent money on injectables, plastic surgery, hair transplants & dental treatment at this age.

Strikeoutnow · 31/12/2024 17:51

@smithey85 I agree!

Strikeoutnow · 31/12/2024 17:53

The comment about knowing he was doing well if really attractive women complimented him (rather than praise from you) was disrespectful to you but so pathetic it made me snort laugh. What a dick.

My happily married friend did the weight jabs last year. We were out for drinks & a very attractive man chatted her up. She was thrilled, she is still devoted to her DH.
At the school Xmas thing another mum (who always looks great) complimented my outfit and says she likes to see what I’m wearing. It made my day!

Elasticatedtrousers · 31/12/2024 17:54

Why are people leaping on posters who have pointed out that this is not on...

OP said ‘He also said if really attractive girls were to make a comment that when he’d know that he was doing well, which is so unlike him to say.’

It doesn't matter that he's going to the gym, that's NOT what OP is concerned about. It's the validation he is hoping to receive from other women 'really attractive' ones at that.

It's not ok!

And I think you’re lying if you think this kind of validation/ego kibbles seeking from attractive women by YOUR husband would be ok!

didgerinoo · 31/12/2024 17:55

smithey85 · 31/12/2024 17:41

This thread is absolutely bonkers.

No where else anywhere online would a man be slated for going to the gym and trying to be and stay fit and healthy. Only on mumsnet.

Can you imagine what the responses would be if it was a man posting about his DW going to the gym every day to look and feel good. He’d get battered.

About the compliments - likely not true , given how many other men and likely fitter and more attractive younger men will be at the gym at the same time but if it was; it’s nice to receive a compliment and share with others. A spouse will always say they think there DP is hot regardless so coming from a stranger , regardless of their sex, is much more self asserting.

why don’t you go with him to work out with him and make it about both of you and not just him?

Can you imagine the responses if a man came on and said his wife had told him "your compliments don't count, I want compliments from really attractive men", and that she'd been posting photos then telling him that her friend's husbands had been sending her flirty messages? It'd be gross the other way round too.

It's not about him going to the gym!

Original poster
Gabriella12 · 31/12/2024 17:58

Elasticatedtrousers · 31/12/2024 17:54

Why are people leaping on posters who have pointed out that this is not on...

OP said ‘He also said if really attractive girls were to make a comment that when he’d know that he was doing well, which is so unlike him to say.’

It doesn't matter that he's going to the gym, that's NOT what OP is concerned about. It's the validation he is hoping to receive from other women 'really attractive' ones at that.

It's not ok!

And I think you’re lying if you think this kind of validation/ego kibbles seeking from attractive women by YOUR husband would be ok!

Edited

Thank you. I’m not slating him because he goes to the gym, that would be silly. It’s all the comments and attention seeking that comes with it. He’s had a few nights out recently, and has bizarrely asked different women to guess his age. Apparently most say late 20’s, and he seems really happy about that. So bizarre, I couldn’t even imagine going up to drunken men and asking them to guess my age.

OP posts:
Strikeoutnow · 31/12/2024 17:59

Why are people leaping on posters who have pointed out that this is not on...

Well this is confusing, this is a thread on a forum where people discuss things & commonly have different opinions. Why is replying & responding with an alternative view now considered leaping on? Is there a timeframe that we should be aware of? Or if you do have a different opinion should you not voice it?

Strikeoutnow · 31/12/2024 18:00

@Gabriella12 do you compliment him? I’m guilty of not doing this much to DH. It does seem like he’s a bit insecure re his looks and ageing, he needs to adjust though as it’s only going to get worse!

Elasticatedtrousers · 31/12/2024 18:00

@Strikeoutnow

'What the actual fuck? Takes the award for the most stupid post on mumsnet 2024. '

One of the first posts.

The concerns of the OP have been completely taken out of context.

smithey85 · 31/12/2024 18:01

didgerinoo · 31/12/2024 17:55

Can you imagine the responses if a man came on and said his wife had told him "your compliments don't count, I want compliments from really attractive men", and that she'd been posting photos then telling him that her friend's husbands had been sending her flirty messages? It'd be gross the other way round too.

It's not about him going to the gym!

Show quote history

I’d be supportive of her, and if we had a strong relationship it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest!

A friends wife DMing him is not his problem; it only becomes a problem when he replies and takes things further.

Strikeoutnow · 31/12/2024 18:04

When we were on holiday he posted a couple of Instagram stories of him in his swimming shorts ( obviously topless ) and a couple of his friends wife’s private DM’d him being a bit flirty about the photos. He seemed to thrive off it.

Give him a big drink! Would you rather he didn’t show/tell you about the DMs, I think that’s a bit weird the wives have done that. One of my cousins likes a thirsty photo & other husbands defo enjoy the photos but they don’t send DMs. Maybe he wants to make you jealous.

smithey85 · 31/12/2024 18:05

Gabriella12 · 31/12/2024 17:58

Thank you. I’m not slating him because he goes to the gym, that would be silly. It’s all the comments and attention seeking that comes with it. He’s had a few nights out recently, and has bizarrely asked different women to guess his age. Apparently most say late 20’s, and he seems really happy about that. So bizarre, I couldn’t even imagine going up to drunken men and asking them to guess my age.

Show quote history

The ‘guessing game’ seems to be all the rage now, and I’m genuinely not joking. I’m late 30’s and everytime I go out I get asked to play it with both men and woman. It’s just a confidence booster and a bit of fun.

my most common age is 28 and you bet I tell friends and family!! Why would t I be happy that I’m 11 years younger than I actually am?!

NameChanger91736 · 31/12/2024 18:06

smithey85 · 31/12/2024 14:12

What the actual fuck? Takes the award for the most stupid post on mumsnet 2024.

This makes no sense what so ever? How the hell is it disrespectful for a man wanting to take care of himself? He clearly enjoys it, and if he feels good, then Great.

Gym and fitness is t all about physical health, it plays a big part in mental health as well.

sorry, I just can’t my head around how idiotic your comment was!

Show quote history

Have you read where he says He also said if really attractive girls were to make a comment that when he’d know that he was doing well, which is so unlike him to say

And he doesnt take his wife's compliments onboard?

Sherararara · 31/12/2024 18:07

HelenInHeels · 31/12/2024 15:36

You've not understood the post. He thinks he's hot stuff and is trying to wind up his wife.

Show quote history

No - the wife thinks he thinks he’s hot stuff and is trying to wind her up - and it’s working - she’s definitely worked up

Elasticatedtrousers · 31/12/2024 18:09

@Gabriella12 I get entirely what you are trying to say. It is concerning that he is seeking validation and ego kibbles from these women. Sadly, other than trying to explain your concerns, I'm not sure what you can do. I know that I'd feel very unsafe in my relationship, if this was my husband.

You could also try and dig deeper with him to find out why he is seeking this. Are there some deep seated issues he's trying to deal with (I'm not referring to your marriage btw lots of things can lead to a need for validation which crosses boundaries in the relationship).

Strikeoutnow · 31/12/2024 18:11

@Elasticatedtrousers Is that what you call leaping? Tool 😆

Elasticatedtrousers · 31/12/2024 18:16

Strikeoutnow · 31/12/2024 18:11

@Elasticatedtrousers Is that what you call leaping? Tool 😆

Whatever... you seem to say everyone should have a view, fine, then when I have a 'view' (and I’m clearly not the only one) you decide to try and berate me in particular. It's rather pathetic but crack on!

Elasticatedtrousers · 31/12/2024 18:18

@Gabriella12 hope you can find some sort of answer to this. I’m off this thread as it’s really unpleasant. Happy New Year x

DivaORJustified · 31/12/2024 18:18

Gabriella12 · 31/12/2024 14:22

Ultimately, I just feel why is he trying to get attention from ‘attractive women’ when he’s married and has children. The whole thing feels juvenile.

Yes and 100% wrong,
You are not wrong feeling the way you do, don’t let others gaslight you. When it’s your husband, you know in your gut when something isn’t quite right. This is the start of a midlife crisis … be careful.

smithey85 · 31/12/2024 18:21

NameChanger91736 · 31/12/2024 18:06

Have you read where he says He also said if really attractive girls were to make a comment that when he’d know that he was doing well, which is so unlike him to say

And he doesnt take his wife's compliments onboard?

Show quote history

I did Thankyou.

i get told I have a big dick at the urinals , and I might tell my partner or friends; , it doesn’t mean they want to sleep with me or I’m gay; it’s just nice to hear, same as someone telling someone they look good.

Of course he takes his DW compliments on board, but how many mums for instance call their sons handsome even if they truly aren’t?!

Proteinpud · 31/12/2024 18:27

Is it a clumsy way of him saying that he knows attractive women wouldn't usually bother talking to him, so if they comment he knows that he's made a genuine difference?

I weight lift, and I'm made up (albeit embarrassed) if someone from the gym comments, but it's nothing to do with levels of attractiveness, it's about how hard you work, and whether it's enough to be noticeable to anyone else (changing your body enough for other people to see a difference takes a lot)

As far as 'mid life crises' go I think deciding to look after your health is a pretty good one. Though I appreciate this is Mumsnet where the gym is treated with suspicion and we should all be aiming to do fast 800 or cut out all carbs to be 'healthy'