Going to the gym for attention?

[Gabriella12]

I’m wondering whether I’m just being paranoid and going over the top, but thought I’d ask for some opinions regardless.

So my husband is obsessed with the gym, weight lifting to be precise. He literally goes every single day unless he’s ill ( which is rare ) or if he works late ( he owns his own business ). It’s got to the point where he’s very muscly and he gets a lot of comments from other people. I just find it bizarre as he’s never been interested in the whole 15 years that we’ve been together. He even went every day when we were on holiday. I mean, he looks great, but I feel he’s doing it for an ulterior motive other than just fitness.

I compliment him a lot, but he just says it doesn’t count what I say as I’m his wife and have to compliment him. He also said if really attractive girls were to make a comment that when he’d know that he was doing well, which is so unlike him to say.

I just feel as he’s pushing 40, and happily married ( as far as I know ), it’s weird to have such an obsession. I’d rather he took the kids or dog out more instead of going there every day. I feel we have a fairly good sex life aswel so I don’t think it’s that.

Anyway, hopefully I get some useful comments. Thanks. G xxx

Could be a mid life crisis. EX DP, also started obsessing about the gym, then getting tattoos about this age. He never had a wandering eye but all of sudden wanted extra attention.
He left us a year or so later for a younger colleague saying he felt taken for granted.
Not saying this is going to happen to you though!, and as PP said, it is good he is looking after himself in one way.

This feels like two separate issues that you've conflated, OP.

The suddenly taking up regular exercise and being motivated by looking and feeling better sounds normal and doesn't sound like unreasonable behaviour in itself (provided you also get time to yourself, etc).

But the comments to you about other women and who he'd like to compliment him seem weird.

He is!!

I go to the gym everyday, I am married and have kids.
It does make me happy when I get a compliment from someone I don't know - men and women!. I'm not necessarily doing it only for men to notice, as I'm sure your DH isn't. My DH would compliment me regardless even if I never went to the gym so it doesn't mean as much.
It certainly does become a point where it is an addiction, ie I would avoid holidays as it would mean a week minimum out of the gym.
I don't think you should look in to it too deeply, it's just a feel good hobby. If my DH started getting jealous of my gym and think it was because I crave male attention, it would cause issues in our relationship.

I agree with you OP: he is a married man so why should he be looking for attractive women to pay him compliment? It should be your opinion that matters.
At what point will he want to take things further with them?

I was on his side until the part about getting comments from attractive women.

I thought you might be feeling a bit insecure about his new hobby/look, until you said

I compliment him a lot, but he just says it doesn’t count what I say as I’m his wife and have to compliment him. He also said if really attractive girls were to make a comment that when he’d know that he was doing well, which is so unlike him to say.

This is such a weird take from him. Why would the opinion of "really attractive girls" mean more than "averagely attractive girls"? And why on earth would comments from any other "girl" (ew) mean more to him than compliments from his own wife?

It does sound like he's maybe having a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not necessarily that he's looking to cheat (why mention it to you if he was?), but that he wants to know that he could still attract attractive young women if he wanted to.

I'd say let him get on with his nonsense and don't rise to it. I remember older men trying to be impressive when I was younger, and we all thought they were utterly pathetic - trying too hard and coming off as sleazy, insecure and a bit desperate. Chances are the "really attractive girls" he's hoping for an ego boost from think the same of him.

@VegTrug You have a shallow opinion.

When we were on holiday he posted a couple of Instagram stories of him in his swimming shorts ( obviously topless ) and a couple of his friends wife’s private DM’d him being a bit flirty about the photos. He seemed to thrive off it.

He's just having a wee mid life crisis. Go on a walking weekend so he can feel raw and at one with nature.

Embarrassing for both parties 😂

You have got the man many dream of. And youre saying thats not a good thing.

Eeeew at his comment!

Yuck yuck yuck. So validation only counts if it comes from "really attractive girls"? So women don't count? Or men? Or unattractive girls? What a prince.

I don't know how you've not managed to develop a serious case of the ick. Telling you about his friend's wives being flirty in response to his deliberate thirst trap attempt, I mean come on. This is absolutely ridiculous and so embarrassing (for him, not you). He's making a bloody fool of himself.

Seems to be a bit of a drip feed/ making stuff up here OP I have to say

My husband has also really got into the gym the last few years and has massive muscle as a result he gets loads of comments and compliments on how big he is. He obviously likes that but it's not the reason he does it, he started as a way to relieve stress and it's been so beneficial for is mental health. Saying that though he always put me and DC first works out early morning before we wake up skips days when we have something on etc always asks if it getting too much for me when he is going.
So I think it's not the gym that is the issue here it's the comments of other women that is worrying why the hell does it mean more to him that attractive women compliment him surely his wife's opinion should be the most important? I would not be happy with that also with the comments of other women talking to him if he's saying that just so he's not keeping anything from you fair enough but if it's to rub it in your face and make you feel like you should be worried then that is definitely not okay.

Maybe try and talk to him about how you feel and if the times he is at the gym are meaning your left doing everything with the kids try and find a time that would suit you better for at least some of the sessions. Hope this helps.

🤢

True. Why isn't my DH desperate for validation from 'really attractive girls' and telling me my compliments "don't count"? That's all I've ever dreamed of! OP is so ungrateful.

We need a photo - or his insta - to give a fair opinion.

Just wanted to add my husband also has an Instagram page dedicated to his weight lifting and there has been a couple of times he's posted something in particular and had reactions from other women some times these half naked influencers type women started following him I just told him now I felt about that and he was understanding and blocked them. Reassured me he posts to keep in the loop with gym buddies and fellow competitors and he competes too and TBF anytime I am feeling insecure if I look at who he follows or who follows him it's mostly other weight lifters or friends. I think if your just honest with how you feel he might be understanding. I mostly try to view it now as I'm the lucky one with a hot husband.

Could not live with someone like this unless he was a celebrity and made his living from touting his wares. But, I would never fit into that word anyway.

He made a TikTok dedicated to his gym progress at 1 point, videos of him lifting weights etc. Same thing happened, loads of these half naked influencer type girls started following him. My brother made fun of him because of it so much he actually ended up deleting his whole account, instead of just blocking him. So that ended up working ok tbf.

It’s all a bit vacuous isn’t it. That would put me off. Showing off is not an attractive trait. I’d be saying „Dave, what is lacking in you that you are constantly seeking external validation, why do you not think you are good enough as a person without it?“ . I’d be having a very serious come to Jesus talk with him, not in the moment he talks about the comments as that will get heated. I’d be so disappointed I was married to someone who had to have external validation.

Well yes that’s the only reaction isn’t it, to take the piss and give him a reality check. You sad bastard should be a phrase that’s constantly ringing in his ears.