Domestic Violence and how to safely disclose this :(

[Buscake]

Not sure where to put this to be honest. My world has fallen apart and I am trying so hard to be honest with all services.

I am currently being woken up by professionals who are helping me realise that I have been in a coercive and abusive relationship for over 23years (police, children’s services, schools, CAMHS etc). My ex was forcibly removed from the home and there is a non-mol in place. There is one historic disclosure of physical abuse from one child and documented PA to another child last year which resulted in a CPP.

I am trying to be completely honest with the social worker but am so scared of the implications. I have accidentally disclosed marital rape, by not realising the implications of what I was saying while doing a DASH referral. I have disclosed past physical abuse (pre children) by mitigating this by saying that I had retaliated and that he always held this over me as proof that I am abusive. Today she asked me if he had ever hit me and I was silent. She said she took this silence as a yes. I said ‘not recently’ and she said this was also a yes. I am worried that my reluctance to be open (I have literally never ever told anyone this. Ever. I can barely admit this to myself) will taint her view of me as being honest and open. I am also terrified of this information reaching him, which I expect it may via the LADO (for his job).

we are being discussed at marac this week. The SW said the DASH score meant this would happen automatically, but made a point of saying that she would have recommended discussion at marac anyway due to her level of professional concern.

what can I do to be more trustworthy? I don’t want to jeopardise this relationship with the SW: she can see what he is truly like because he is being dreadful and abusive to her too. My ex has told everyone (including the professional network) that I am insane - I have cPTSD and this is something I am open about.

I think as hard as it is your post says you are worried about him and his reactions. For years op that is probably how it has had to be. I know you are scared of him but the more you say the better it will be for you in the long run. I’m sure they know you are not insane as men like him will say that kind of thing all the time. I think all you can be is honest and as brave as possible for your children and yourself. Slowly there will be positive steps.

Thank you for replying and for your honesty. That’s such an interesting perspective - I’ve read it back and I can’t see this, but you are right. I am definitely concerned about his reaction and what would then come of this. I am worried that he will double down, call me abusive etc and the potential for a trial? Fact finding? I really have no idea where it goes from there. And he is potentially going to be struck off or suspended from his professional accountable body if I am open - he works with adults not children. I don’t want to be responsible for his job getting messed up and also we will be relying on his income still (CMS) as he outearns me massively. How can I be more open when it all feels so scary and I can’t even bear to think back to it all myself 😣

if they are experienced OP recognising that this will take awhile for you to unpick and tell them (if ever) is a reaction to the abuse and not you trying to deliberately be obtuse and not tell them or cooperate

You have to put your children first here OP and protect them. That needs to be all the incentive you need to be transparent about this, these organisations can only help if they know what they are dealing with, the more information that they have the better.

I do hope so. I don’t want her to feel that I am chopping and changing but the reality is that I am overthinking everything and so worried about the implications overall. Will she think I’m a shit mother for having 3 children with someone like him? Because I do 😞 Will this affect her perception of my capacity to parent them well??

I think you can tell her this:

"I am currently being woken up by professionals who are helping me realise that I have been in a coercive and abusive relationship... I have literally never ever told anyone this. Ever. I can barely admit this to myself... I am also terrified of this information reaching him, which I expect it may via the LADO (for his job)."

Tell her you hadn't realised that the relationship was coercive and controlling until recently and how terrifying that is. Tell her you have never spoken about it to anybody before and can barely admit it to yourself. Tell her how frightened you are of the information reaching him.

You won't be the first woman she has seen who is this scared and hadn't realised what was going on, and definitely not the first whose abusive ex has painted her as mentally ill.

Ask her what services are available to support you and then engage with them. Not everything is available in every area, but see if you can get a domestic violence advocate, access to the Freedom Programme, look up domestic abuse recovery services in your area. Report any contact from him, direct or indirect or suspected (e.g. social media from an unknown account) as soon as it is received and for crying out loud don't contact him under any circumstances.

What they want to know is ultimately what would happen if he is back on the doorstep with a bunch of flowers and a shit-eating grin claiming to have changed: are you going to let him in (potentially putting the children at risk) or are you currently busy accumulating the tools that will give you the self-worth and the resilience to tell him to sling his hook?

Good luck.

I am sincerely trying to do this. I am following their advice as best I can but am falling here and unable to say the words. Surely this is more about me than the children? That’s why it just doesn’t feel as important.

MARAC is for high risk cases...and I don't want to scare or upset you but for cases where there's a significant risk of homicide.

I hope this helps you see why people are worried for you.

He will be doubling down. He will be calling you abusive. It is not your job to protect him, it is your job to protect yourself and your children. He is relying on you needing his money and he expects that, and your fear, will protect him, but you need to be away from him, even if it is overwhelming. You can get benefits/divorce settlement/a new job/whatever, but you owe him nothing. You have been in an abusive relationship for 25 years. It is time to be honest to protect yourself and others. This man is a monster and does not deserve your time or support.

Thank you. I have said this all to her - she knows how deeply scared I am and she has repeatedly told me that he is a credible threat to me and the children. She knows the reputational damage that could happen as a result of this information and the knock on impact on me. They are assured that I will never take him back - the thought of seeing/hearing etc makes me feel physically sick. There is also a non-mol in place so no chance of any reconciliation at all; he is dead to me. I am just so worried that they will see me as a liar, as manipulative and that this will paint me badly as a parent 😖 I usually feel so assured in myself, particularly with the children. I work in a children’s services/education adjacent job, but I just can’t seem to take my own advice - the fear and panic feels insurmountable

You need to see though that the children are impacted by these things too, and that’s exactly how these things are seen. Living in a house where daddy hits mummy is just as bad for a child as living in a house where daddy hits them, neither is a safe or healthy environment for a child to live in. They need to know what the situation is and has been so that they can ensure those children are protected and they need to know the extent of this from you so that they know and can trust that you yourself are going to protect those children from that going forward. They need the truth and they need your understanding that this isn’t and wasn’t a safe environment for children.

@LauraMipsum has given good advice, I’d agree with everything they have put.

I hear you. I do. In my actions I am doing all you suggest. But in my mind I can imagine every word and reaction to everything I say. He doesn’t even need to say it to me - he’s there in my head

I’m so sorry. What a truly tough time you’ve had for years. Do you have any support from family or friends?

How old are your children? Are you worried about his reaction to your disclosures or losing the right to care for your children yourself? Or both?

From what you’ve written I just wondered if you were worried something you say now will mean the authorities involved will think you historically left your children in an unsafe environment and that may impact their opinion on how you safely you can care for them now? But if you choose to withhold information to try and reduce the risk of this, that might also count against you if they discover you have withheld information? Is any of that correct?

I think this will probably be quite common behaviour in these situations, to remember incidents and open up more about things over time. Try not to worry.

This scares me but at the same time I can’t believe it. I have been assigned an IDVA but the waiting lists are so long I have been supported by the SW who knows us all well. I am so scared because her opinion will stand re whether or not I can support the children adequately.

stupid question - does it matter that he hasn’t directly hurt me since they were babies? I remember him kicking me in the stomach (but not hard) when I was pregnant with my second child and I don’t remember any incidents after that. Lots of physical intimidation though, being rough, objects hitting me etc

I don’t have any family in this country and am protecting myself from his family because they are financially and emotionally supporting him through this. I have some friends but again I can’t tell them the full story. I am overcome with shame and humiliation, I know I shouldn’t be but I am.

my kids are 14,12 and 9. The eldest two were PA by him and do not want contact. My youngest has complex needs, including LD and I expect his dad will be allowed contact with him at some point.

you are right - I am worried that they will think I am a bad mother for not leaving sooner. He was violent to me and then he was violent to them. This knowledge is killing me. But I worry that this demonstrates that I am a bad mother. I don’t want to hide anything but equally I don’t want to be too honest and get him in more trouble than needed. Especially when it is his word against mine - who does this actually help??

My ex was in my head for years. 30 years on it still affects the way I respond to stressful situations/noise/anger.

You are so afraid. The thing is, these professionals have seen it all before. They also were told by my ex that I was insane. He even managed to get doctors to say that I’d admitted to hearing voices. None of these things were true. I was terrified.

Worry less if you can about appearing credible and just be you. You are credible as everything you say, every shake of your head, every fearful glance at the door or jump when there’s a bang is evidence of the truth. Be honest. Be as open as you can. Do it for you and your children. You are very brave. You are strong. You can do this.

Taking yourself out of the situation and put someone else into it OP, if a friend came to you and said “my husband doesn’t hit me, but he threw a lamp at me last night and pushed me over this morning”, would you tell them that’s okay because he didn’t hit them, or would you say they need to leave because those things are abuse?

The answer would be that it is abuse.

I know it’s difficult but this is the reality of the situation, abuse doesn’t have to be a fist to the face, it’s equally physical intimidation, objects, being rough. You need to stop minimising, be honest, tell the full truth and seek help yourself getting your head around this because for as long as you don’t see these things for what they are you cannot protect or support your children adequately with it and without the information the authorities are going to be unable to get all the correct measures in place to support those children too.

I’m sorry I have no additional advice but you’ve had some fantastic replies here, you sound like you are doing all the right things, you have to firmly keep reminding yourself that what he thinks and what impact it has on his job etc is not at all your concern, it is entirely his actions that have caused this and any consequences are because of him, not because of you finally speaking out about them.

He didn't need to hit you later, because he knew that the threat was there. It's part of the conditioning that comes as part of an abusive relationship.

This takes time, and the professionals know this. It took me a good 18 months to break the trauma bond with my exh.

I found it helpful to write stuff down, rather than say it outloud. It honestly took me 18 months to be able to talk about the sexual abuse, and I started with an email to the samaritans, which I then sent onto my therapist.

Be kind to yourself and remember that this is a process, and it's painful. One babystep at a time.

Who does this help? It helps your children, who are already victims of this situation. It helps ensure that your youngest is protected from any harm by reducing any contact he has to have or making that contact supervised. It helps protect those children when you are not able to. If you want to protect your children, you need to forget about your own feelings for the time being and be honest.

Your children need protection, they haven’t had it up to now, they really do need it. Every bit of information these organisations have allows them to protect those children more.

As long as you never go back to him, social services will want to support you parenting your children.

I think you should disclose the violence against the children as they need to be protected from him, and the children need support to deal with what they've been through.

Also they may disclose themselves at some point.

And sorry but I think this kind of sentence could worry professionals as it sounds like you are still protecting him and his interests - you need to throw absolutely everything into being honest to protect you and your children, nothing else should matter. If you don’t disclose everything then you will be hiding things and this could go against you, you can’t risk that.
“I don’t want to hide anything but equally I don’t want to be too honest and get him in more trouble than needed.”

The children’s disclosures have already been made - one recently since the separation and another was last year when a child sustained injuries from him and we were put on a CPP.

I hear you on this. It is more because I believe he will be struck off and work is his life. And this will put me (and the children) at even greater risk. So this is extremely hard to do.