Domestic Violence and how to safely disclose this :(

[Buscake]

Not sure where to put this to be honest. My world has fallen apart and I am trying so hard to be honest with all services.

I am currently being woken up by professionals who are helping me realise that I have been in a coercive and abusive relationship for over 23years (police, children’s services, schools, CAMHS etc). My ex was forcibly removed from the home and there is a non-mol in place. There is one historic disclosure of physical abuse from one child and documented PA to another child last year which resulted in a CPP.

I am trying to be completely honest with the social worker but am so scared of the implications. I have accidentally disclosed marital rape, by not realising the implications of what I was saying while doing a DASH referral. I have disclosed past physical abuse (pre children) by mitigating this by saying that I had retaliated and that he always held this over me as proof that I am abusive. Today she asked me if he had ever hit me and I was silent. She said she took this silence as a yes. I said ‘not recently’ and she said this was also a yes. I am worried that my reluctance to be open (I have literally never ever told anyone this. Ever. I can barely admit this to myself) will taint her view of me as being honest and open. I am also terrified of this information reaching him, which I expect it may via the LADO (for his job).

we are being discussed at marac this week. The SW said the DASH score meant this would happen automatically, but made a point of saying that she would have recommended discussion at marac anyway due to her level of professional concern.

what can I do to be more trustworthy? I don’t want to jeopardise this relationship with the SW: she can see what he is truly like because he is being dreadful and abusive to her too. My ex has told everyone (including the professional network) that I am insane - I have cPTSD and this is something I am open about.

@Azandme your words have really made a difference, thank you. I am trying so hard to hear the meaning but I don’t believe it right now - I hope this will come in time.

@SensibleSigma i have asked his family for space and they are not happy about this.

There is a perception among them that I will ‘cut them out’/remove them from he children’s lives but these are people we seldom see and who are not actively involved in our lives (they live in other parts of the country). I am fine with them calling/texting the children - who are also finding it too much and have stopped replying.

I’m finding the communication anxiety provoking particularly because they have very little knowledge of the DV and how that awakening/realisation is at the forefront of everything right now.

it is probably a little unfair on them given that they don’t know this, but equally I don’t have to share private information just to make them feel better 🤷‍♀️

IDVA team updated me about marac. My understanding is that the SW is using the information I shared as part of the LADO referral and will safety plan around how to do this to protect us. I feel relieved to know that police won’t be doing anything with it.

Would you feel more in control if you decided what contact you’d like them to have and simply informed them?
For example- we’ll ring you every other Sunday, at 4pm.

It’s absolutely ok to take charge in that way. Inform them there’s a lot of adjusting underway and the DC need to have a good routine. It’s totally in your hands. They have no rights. In the long run, if they are decent people, they could be of assistance. The only reason to maintain contact is so your dc can choose to be in touch when they are older.