Domestic Violence and how to safely disclose this :(

[Buscake]

Not sure where to put this to be honest. My world has fallen apart and I am trying so hard to be honest with all services.

I am currently being woken up by professionals who are helping me realise that I have been in a coercive and abusive relationship for over 23years (police, children’s services, schools, CAMHS etc). My ex was forcibly removed from the home and there is a non-mol in place. There is one historic disclosure of physical abuse from one child and documented PA to another child last year which resulted in a CPP.

I am trying to be completely honest with the social worker but am so scared of the implications. I have accidentally disclosed marital rape, by not realising the implications of what I was saying while doing a DASH referral. I have disclosed past physical abuse (pre children) by mitigating this by saying that I had retaliated and that he always held this over me as proof that I am abusive. Today she asked me if he had ever hit me and I was silent. She said she took this silence as a yes. I said ‘not recently’ and she said this was also a yes. I am worried that my reluctance to be open (I have literally never ever told anyone this. Ever. I can barely admit this to myself) will taint her view of me as being honest and open. I am also terrified of this information reaching him, which I expect it may via the LADO (for his job).

we are being discussed at marac this week. The SW said the DASH score meant this would happen automatically, but made a point of saying that she would have recommended discussion at marac anyway due to her level of professional concern.

what can I do to be more trustworthy? I don’t want to jeopardise this relationship with the SW: she can see what he is truly like because he is being dreadful and abusive to her too. My ex has told everyone (including the professional network) that I am insane - I have cPTSD and this is something I am open about.

I’m so sorry this happened, what you are describing rings so true for me. I have been trying to write an email this evening in between replying to this thread. But it feels like tmi (she’s a CS SW so she surely doesn’t need this info?). There is physical abuse and there is sexual abuse (inc rape) that I can’t bring myself to speak about. And my worry is what will happen once I write this down. Where will it go. Will it haunt me forever. It feels so dangerous even to have these thoughts let alone verbalise them

I absolutely felt like I was giving too much information (including describing assaults to my domestic abuse worker), but they have since thanked me for being so honest with them. They recently said it was a privilege that I'd trusted them with that information.

Would it help to ask them where information would go/what would happen with it before you disclose? I did this. I had evidence of professional misconduct alongside the abuse, and asked what the process would likely be, and possible outcomes, before I confirmed that I had it, or that I would be willing to share it. It allowed me to prepare and feel a little more in control.

This isn't surprising I'm afraid. The relevant regulator will be the HCPC, I've just had a quick look at the most recent decisions there and the first one that isn't an interim decision or confidential is from 18 December, it's a strike off order. It relates to allegations dating back to 2020 and yet an interim order was only made in 2022, and a full hearing and final order only last month. The wheels of justice grind slow etc.

I left my ex .. He was abusive .

He strangled me , whilst my baby was in my arms .

The law has changed now but at the time I was asked if I wanted to make a statement .. I replied I needed his permission to do so ..

I look back in utter disbelief how controlled I had become ..

I am an educated woman so absolutely see how it feels different .

The most important thing at this stage is to give as much information as you can to protect the children .

know you are doing amazingly leaving and disclosing …

Do get support from others that have been through DV … it’s something many don’t understand unless you have lived it

💐

Just to reassure you, you sound totallly credible. No one expects someone to come through the type of coercion and DV that you have endured and to be completely clear headed at this stage. Of course you are going to feel conflicted, of course you are going to be second guessing everything you say - that’s how you have lived for so long. You’re doing really well and are moving in the right direction.

It sounds like you have some great professionals involved in your case, which is really good to hear. Remember that you are not a decision maker when it comes to what happens with your husband, they are. Your only role here is to report factually what happened and then you can leave the consequences to them, knowing that that part is not your responsibility. What matters most is that they have the facts that they need in order to best protect you and your children.

This must feel like an absolute nightmare at the moment but it won’t always be like this. You WILL look back and be glad that you have done this very hard stuff that you’re doing now, you WILL have better days and you WILL heal and have some peace and calm in your life. You need to be kind to yourself and realise that the not believing that you are in a DV situation is all part of the manipulation. Don’t keep blaming yourself for things that were out of your control, focus on doing the right thing now.

Finally, if you can try to tell a friend who will support you. Honestly if one of my friends told me what you recount here, I would a) believe her, b) give her a huge hug, c) wish I’d realised sooner so I could have helped and d) offer whatever support I could. I’m sure your friends will do the same OP.

I’m rooting for you and wishing you all the very best. You will see better days OP, I’m sure of it.

I asked her today but she was honest and said it was likely that he would hear this via LADO/professional body hearing etc. she also sounded annoyed with me and I get that. I am trying so hard to be open, she is very understanding and is giving me assurances that she can recognise his abusive behaviours and manipulation. But I am too aware of her power in decision making. Everything else has fallen apart except my parenting. I am consistently told I am an excellent parent (apart from several posters above who I do agree with). If this negatively impacted my children and their lives it would just end me.

Thank you this means so much. One old friend from uni who I’ve lost contact with (due to him) I reached out to her because she knows me. Her response could not have been more supportive and despite the years of dwindling contact she is very much there for me. She gets it. She’s telling me all the right things and I do believe her more than the professionals. It’s just all going to take so much time. And it’s so painful and so hard. Thank you for the support, it really does help

You've been living in something akin to a totalitarian regime where it feels dangerous to even think about questioning the tyrant in charge. Of course it feels dangerous, disloyal even.

Can you think of it in terms of writing it down and giving it just to your SW (and yes, she's a CS SW so she does need this info - she's got to have the full picture of what he is capable of in order to assess the level of risk to the children.) And tell her you are giving it just to her, and it's up to her what parts of it she thinks are relevant? That might help you feel less responsibility in terms of what happens next as it will be in her hands. And my guess is that you will be more haunted by saying nothing than by saying everything.

This is incredibly tough but you have an invisible Mumsnet army behind you cheering for you.

I'm sure she's not annoyed with you lovely, she's probably just desperate to safeguard you and the children, and she needs all the info to do that effectively. I know it's super hard, I was convinced no one could possibly like me/have respect for me etc after I disclosed the physical and sexual abuse, but the shame was all in my head, where he'd put it. I constantly felt like I was annoying them, and I even apologised to my domestic abuse worker and asked if they'd like to step out during the DASH risk assessment! But I swear to you, they emailed me before the Christmas break to say it had been a privilege to be trusted with this information. You are not oversharing, the consequences for him are not your fault. Your don't need to be completely put together and coherent (which you are, by the way!) You can do this, you're a strong mumma whose got your kids out of that situation and telling the truth is protecting them now.

Disloyal is exactly how it feels. It feels completely wrong to even think this about our past.

that’s an idea about giving her that information and leaving it in her hands. I know she needs to know, but again I feel overwhelming shame and humiliation. I just feel like a fucking idiot. And the details about the SA and rape are so intimate I don’t know how I will ever write them down.

I may sound like I’m trying to put barriers in place, I’m not. I’m trying to find ways to overcome them. Not knowing where things are going is torturing me.

He’s a psychologist.

Which means that he knows every trick in the book to manipulate you.

Can you sell your house and move?

And he is potentially going to be struck off or suspended from his professional accountable body if I am open - he works with adults not children. I don’t want to be responsible for his job getting messed up and also we will be relying on his income still (CMS) as he outearns me massively.

You aren't responsible for any of this. He is. It's pointless anyway thinking you don't want his job to be messed up, because that ship has sailed - too much is out in the open to stop the professional investigation from happening. Even without you, they seem to have good evidence of abusive behaviour towards the children. A man like this absolutely should not be in a job where vulnerable people put their trust in him, so you have prevented an awful lot of potential future patients from being damaged by him.

And the details about the SA and rape are so intimate I don’t know how I will ever write them down.

Rape Crisis exist to help women in your situation.

again I feel overwhelming shame and humiliation

"La honte doit changer de camp" -- Gisèle Pelicot.

It's not you that chose to rape. Why should you feel shame?

Dear OP

I am very sorry that you are going through this and well done for working with the professionals even though you must be so distressed.

The fact that your case has been referred to MARAC means that they think there is a high risk. Only very high risk cases are referred. This means that all different agencies will work together to help plan a way to keep you and your children safe.

It doesn't sound to me in the least that they will believe what your ex has said. It sounds like they are taking what's happened to you and your children very seriously, as of course they should.

I agree with pp that it would be a good idea to share your fears with the professionals network so they can help you to safety plan and give you advice around anything you are worried about.

Well done for getting this far and I hope you are being given some good support for your cPTSD.

Lots of women who have suffered abuse experience trauma, and it is also common for abusers to try and make it sound like the victim is mad or lying or abusive themselves. Professionals working with domestic abuse survivors will be very used to this so don't worry about him pulling the wool over their eyes.

I just had a look and on the website about Marac it even says that some victims may be concerned at first about the involvement of social workers and the police but if the process works well it can be a transformative experience.

They know this isn’t easy for you.

Your local council may run a sanctuary scheme for anyone escaping domestic violence, they can get you an escape room planned & sorted with a steel door, it's usually one of your bedrooms & has a panic button & hard wired landline. They can also get you window alarms & outdoor lighting if you need it. Do any of your neighbours know what has happened so if for example, you pressed your panic button they would ring the police & also let you know if they saw him near your home? You need to do everything you can like changing the locks, having a peephole & strong chain on the door & explain to your dc not to answer the door & be careful when they are out & about.

I really appreciate the compassion and the kindness in so many of these responses. I know what I have to do, it’s the doing it that is so scary.

I have continued to draft an email to the SW. I keep editing it - too much info, not enough info. Marac is on Friday and she’s off until Thurs - not sure if I will have the opportunity to speak to an IDVA before then, but also feel a duty/responsibility to ensure the SW can be satisfied I am being honest. When I spoke to her yesterday she said she was picking up on anxiety from me that she would ‘find out’ I’m an awful mother - she said there is no evidence to demonstrate this so try not to let it take over my thoughts. But I can’t 😣

seeing it written down is very scary. It all sounds so fucked up, and again I am just berating myself for getting to this point and for not leaving sooner. Leaving was never even a consideration until this rupture 5weeks ago. It also makes me question how real it is - this is just my viewpoint and I know (his voice is in my head!) that he would never agree with what I am saying. He would say I’m triggered, insane, never complained about sex/sexual acts and that this is a vendetta against him. I feel so trapped by my own head and my own lack of courage to do this.

Thank you for this and I am sorry for your own experiences in this area. I hear you, if this was a friend of mine I would be saying the same thing. I don’t think I have ever knowingly been so paralysed with fear. Maybe I have always been which is why this is so hard to express and be open about. I know the function of the marac is to ensure we can be kept safe, but it feels way too open and way too scary. This information will get to him because of this, and the risk to me is therefore increased. So it feels completely counterintuitive.

You have had to endure some horrific things for a long time and live with them without any safe way to talk about what was happening to you. It's no surprise that it all feels quite unreal. Having a big trauma can also make us feel quite strange and surreal, I think it's basically like being in shock. I think time and therapy will be able to help you work through that when you are ready to do so.

I can understand why you are worried that there will be scrutiny on your parenting - for one thing you suddenly have loads of agencies involved in your personal life which can feel quite intimidating. But it sounds to me that your ability to be a good parent is not even in question. The services are involved because of the behaviour of your ex, it is not you who has been a bad parent and it sounds like social services are very confident about that. They just want to keep you and your children safe from him. You didn't cause any of this. Everything you are going through now is a consequence of HIS actions. It's not your fault or a reflection of you as a person or your parenting.

You are having a very understandable and human reaction to having been through many traumatic experiences. Everything is up in the air and quite scary so I am not surprised that makes you question everything. But your experiences are real and valid no matter what your ex says. You are strong and amazing and it sounds like a brilliant mother - he can't take that away from you.

I hope you get to speak with your IDVA soon as they will help advocate for you. You deserve all the support you can get at this time.

Just to add I know you probably don't feel strong at the moment. But I think you really are because even with all of the trauma and fear and doubt and danger you feel you are doing what you need to do to keep you and your family safe. You may not feel strong but in your actions you are showing incredible strength.

You’re right I don’t feel strong. I feel pathetic. I feel like a fraud - i am so broken but feel the scrutiny from all the professionals which makes me feel I have to prove myself. It’s horrendous. And I’m not sleeping, thinking about trauma all the time as well as overthinking everything. This inability to trust feels very new and it is just increasing the fear about information being shared. I understand about confidentiality and about the safety of the children, I really do. But right now it’s my word against his about the DV - there is no evidence either way, so it’s hard to see the benefit in being open when I know this can lead to further harm.

You're stronger than you think and hopefully one day you will realise that.

I don't have any advice but I've read this thread with a lump in my throat, you poor love.
All the best for 2025, I hope the new year brings a new life full of happiness for you and your children.

Thank you I appreciate this. As far as I am concerned 2025 will be another shitshow as I navigate this, but the far off future will be happier and better. I wish you a good year ahead 🖤

Just want to send you a hug, OP 💐