Domestic Violence and how to safely disclose this :(

[Buscake]

Not sure where to put this to be honest. My world has fallen apart and I am trying so hard to be honest with all services.

I am currently being woken up by professionals who are helping me realise that I have been in a coercive and abusive relationship for over 23years (police, children’s services, schools, CAMHS etc). My ex was forcibly removed from the home and there is a non-mol in place. There is one historic disclosure of physical abuse from one child and documented PA to another child last year which resulted in a CPP.

I am trying to be completely honest with the social worker but am so scared of the implications. I have accidentally disclosed marital rape, by not realising the implications of what I was saying while doing a DASH referral. I have disclosed past physical abuse (pre children) by mitigating this by saying that I had retaliated and that he always held this over me as proof that I am abusive. Today she asked me if he had ever hit me and I was silent. She said she took this silence as a yes. I said ‘not recently’ and she said this was also a yes. I am worried that my reluctance to be open (I have literally never ever told anyone this. Ever. I can barely admit this to myself) will taint her view of me as being honest and open. I am also terrified of this information reaching him, which I expect it may via the LADO (for his job).

we are being discussed at marac this week. The SW said the DASH score meant this would happen automatically, but made a point of saying that she would have recommended discussion at marac anyway due to her level of professional concern.

what can I do to be more trustworthy? I don’t want to jeopardise this relationship with the SW: she can see what he is truly like because he is being dreadful and abusive to her too. My ex has told everyone (including the professional network) that I am insane - I have cPTSD and this is something I am open about.

Just a tiny little thing to add- we are all afraid someone will find out we’re an awful mother! I’ve been in hospital with a poorly child, convinced they were investigating me for failing to notice fast enough, or allowing an accident to happen, or or or…

There are so many reasons to beat ourselves up about things, let alone when someone is doing their damnedest to undermine you as you are experiencing.

Chin up. It absolutely sucks but you will get through.

Oh @Buscake my heart breaks for you and the fear and terror you are living with.

I wonder, can you ask your SW if there is a route whereby you can talk to, or even just listen to, people who have been through the sort of circumstances where a MARAC is involved? A small circle, like Women's Freedom Programme but for people where a MARAC is/has been appropriate?

Just thinking that something like that might be both reassuring and it could help you learn how people can get through the other side.

I think, lovely, that you have lived in subjugation for a long time and endured a great deal. Now you are starting to realise that and it will take time to really face what you have lived through. It will take a lot of coming to terms with, both intellectually and emotionally; conditioned reflexes run deep after many years.

But it is possible to find healing; there are some excellent therapies and support networks.

At the moment, I think you need to do all the things that you know yourself are a good idea; eat healthy, exercise, sleep (sleeping tablets were made for this situation) and keep off the booze.

You are, without doubt, a very strong woman - it's easy to see that from your posts, the way you speak and the way that you're still going and still protecting your children with all your strength. Probably you can't see that at the moment. But that innate strength -will- keep you going, lovely.

@Buscake - please go easy on yourself. You’ve been given fabulous advice on this thread from posters who have some insight into what you have been going through and who have in some cases been through the same things themselves.

It is well-known how any abuser can insinuate their voice into the partner’s head – even more so if the abuser is a psychologist. The book “In the Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser – How He Gets into her Head” talks about this – and also about how the same abusers can get into the heads of those around them. You might find it helpful to take a look.

In addition, remember that you have been in survival mode for years. You have been living with the cognitive dissonance of the fact that the person with whom you should feel safest has been the person making you feel endangered in the place where you should feel safest (your home). You have been in survival mode, living at the crime scene with the perpetrator. And that man is also someone you loved enough to marry and have children with which does throw up all kinds of conflicting feelings of loyalty and interdependence. In addition, he probably love-bombed you when he wasn’t abusing you (as you likely know, it’s part of the abuse because it’s training you to behave exactly as he wants you to by rewarding you for doing so), so you probably lived in constant hope that his new episode of good behaviour would last so that you can finally have the normal family life that you thought you were signing up for when you married and started your family.

It’s not easy to leave the family home when you have small children to take care of and at least your children are of an age where they can verbalise what they want and will be less vulnerable to harm from him than they would have been when they were much younger.

And it’s completely normal not to want to stare into the face of what you have suffered, especially when it comes to sexual abuse. That is part of being in survival mode.

It is also completely normal to consider the repercussions on you of any consequences which he suffers for his conduct. All being well, he will go to prison for what he has done. Apart from what happens already, breach of a non-mol is an arrestable offence carrying up to 5 years in prison. But unless and until he is put away, you are right to be alert and vigilant and take the necessary precautions to enhance your safety.

Any professional who works with abused sufferers will know all this – they will understand that it can take months if not years to start to recover from what the abuse sufferer has been through. They will know that you’re trying to co-operate but that it is not straightforward to pull up these memories and share them.

You’re doing a great job, OP. You’ve got away and you’re working to build the best life for your children.

You have been dealing with SO much. Writing it down a bit at a time is probably the way to go. Maybe stick a picture of Gisele Pellicot on your fridge? One step at a time lovey

Some sort of peer support would be helpful, that is a good suggestion. I have tried looking on line but not coming up with anything. I do wonder if I would compare my situation unfavourably with theirs to be honest, as I am struggling so much with understanding how I am in such a dangerous position. It’s just very hard to accept that I have been living a lie and everything that comes with that.

im doing all the things I should - trying to eat, exercise, haven’t drunk at all since the explosion. I’ve been prescribed sleeping pills but I have been reluctant to take them. Maybe that will be a nye treat to make sure I can slee. I’m averaging about 5hrs a night and this isn’t continuous.

I sincerely appreciate all the kind words, the time you have taken to read what I’m saying and to respond. It means a huge amount to me - this is an incredibly lonely experience especially after 23years of being with someone who would constantly text and harass me and ask for opinions all day long. Sitting with the silence (when the kids aren’t on me!) and sitting with all of these messed up feelings is so hard.

I wonder how you'd feel about putting on some music or a film that you really like and that you have chosen yourself - without second guessing whether it will cause an explosion or a sneer or a put-down. Maybe your favourite song from being a teenager, before any of this happened. And just sit with that and see how you feel about the freedom in making that tiny simple choice.

May 2025 be the year that you soar. 💐

I hope so 🖤 thank you.

I love the idea, but it’s fraught with not knowing myself outside of this relationship. We were together since I was 16 :( IDVA said this makes everything even worse - particularly as he followed me abroad to uni when we were 18/19. I can barely remember myself before him! But music/films are a good idea and a good place to start.
Enjoy tonight, thank you for your support x

Do keep in mind that you’ve always got the option of:

’I’m not ready to talk about that yet’.

That gives you an option where you don’t need to actively disclose, but also keeps you in the position of being honest with your social worker - so no more covering up for him, but equally not actively raising things if it’s too much on the day.

Having been in a DV relationship, although not as long as you, I imagine it has been instilled in you to be fearful and that he has taught you that you are the problem. That you have done everything wrong and he is the victim here. That if you really loved him, how could you do this to him? Honestly it takes a LONG time to toss out that mentality.

I am also a mental health therapist that specializes in trauma.

I imagine because the police are involved that this therapist has been told that they need to get information out of you in order to support the arrest, however, her taking your silence as a "yes" is not a good way to go about it because it sounds like she's coercing an answer out of you that you are not ready to give. Especially since you have been in a traumatic relationship for as long as you have, I dont think that is right. Are you able to request a different therapist that may provide a different approach? Maybe mention you need a therapist that has been trained in trauma informed care.

As someone who has been in a DV relationship, I have had a LOT of therapy. It's been 10 years since I walked from my POS ex and I still have PTSD symptoms (flash backs, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, heightened awareness, severe anxiety). I worry that even though he has probably moved on with his toxic life, I'm scared he's still going to come look for me because of all the terrible things "I" did to him and try and hurt me and my family..even though my therapist says I'm probably not even on his mind.

Know in these situations that these people are not your enemy, especially if they have dealt with this kind of thing over and over. They aren't looking to you as the perpetrator who instigated this..they are looking at you as the person who survived this bad relationship. But like I said, a better approach would probably suit them better in the long run to help you feel more comfortable disclosing the details that they are looking for.

@Buscake May 2025 be the year you truly break free.

Suggestion: find some creative work with your hands. It really can help. Something seems to happen when you sit down with a paintbrush and adult colouring book, or a piece of clay, or a piece of cloth and needle. Something slow and creative. It doesn't take away the pain but something constructive happens, that helps carry you through. Radio 4 or whatever in the background is nice with it.

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress thank you, I truly hope so too. Still can’t believe things when I wake up in the morning, but I hope this will improve in time.

I wish I had any kind of creative outlet at all -
it’s just not something I can do. But this will be part of the healing I think; realising that I have more interests/hobbies that I just stopped because of him and his influence. Onwards!

I found swimming incredibly helpful. Apparently it is similar to splashing cold water on your face when stressed. It was the most helpful thing on days when I was spiraling. I really struggled concentrating on reading/watching tv etc, but swimming and also gardening were most therapeutic.

I didn’t want to read and run on this thread OP. I usually lurk but your posts have compelled me to reply. I simply want to say how brave I think you are.
Might it be an option to share a link to this thread/your posts to the professionals involved? I’m sure they already understand the feelings you have articulated here but I wonder if you feel you haven’t shared enough or clearly with them, then your posts here may help?
I really do wish you all the very best.

OP I understand. When you are used to covering up and pretending everything is OK it becomes your normal. Deep down though, you know it isn't how other people live and what I want you to believe is that it isn't your fault. At all. You didn't cause it.

As Giselle Pellicot was recently quoted
Shame must change sides.
it's not for us to have shame – it's for them.

The shame isn't yours. The memories that you have, that causes you to feel shame, need to by challenged and recalibrated - and this will need input from good professionals and therapists.

Be as open as you are able to - but accept you will need support and understanding. Experienced social workers will get it and with time, I hope you are able to reach your own understanding.

@Isanyonereallyanonymous thank you for taking the time to respond it does mean a lot to me. I don’t feel brave at all, I feel utterly terrified and this is not how I want to live. I usually have the courage of my convictions but I don’t here. I can’t see beyond the day in front of me and that is stopping me from being open - the potential consequences seem vast and unknown and potentially life ruining.

I have continued to draft emails to the SW and feel a bit better about this now. I have taken out lots of what felt like unnecessary details about the PA so it is clear that he was PA to me both before and after children, but that this lessened and was more aggression and physical intimidation rather than direct violence in more recent years. I have expressed all my fears and worries to her. I have said that I will be honest with her if she wants to ask me about SA/rape but that I have no intention of ever reporting this due to having no evidence.

I will finally speak to an idva tomorrow and I hope this is a positive step to processing things. Also back to work tomorrow, so anticipate another day of having to do personal calls when I shouldn’t be. But needs must, and my boss is being beyond supportive.

@CarefulN0w thank you for replying to me. I hear what you’re saying about shame but I am just not there yet. I think my perception of the SW’s frustration with me is adding to this - I just feel like a sham of a person and this annoys me. I want to be open, I want to engage with all the professionals who I do believe are trusting me. I am stopping myself from doing this, and I think it’s his voice that is stopping me. I can’t see how I can move on from this but I hear what you’re saying about time and professional support. Just wish I could fast forward this year already to be honest!

@Sparklysnowman i will try swimming that is a really good idea. We live just up from a pool - will try to get into a routine with that with the kids too. It will do us all good.

Honestly, this is the earliest of early days. It has taken years of abuse to get to your current situation and it will take time and support to move forward. Your job isn't to be responsible for meeting other people's expectations - you are where you are and need time and space to do it your way.

What I'm saying is don't feel bad for feeling bad.

Op

Quite understandably you are still living in your head as if you are still obligated to this man.

You do not need to worry about him and the consequences he will face. Don’t worry about his job - as if he would pay you maintenance anyway - more likely to quit his job than do that

Focus on keeping your children safe as that is what the SS want you to do.

You have been conditioned to thinking a certain way by him - you’ll need support to overcome your mindset of fear.

Well done for getting this far and putting your children out of harms way.

@Quitelikeit you are bang on. I feel better focusing on the kids, it’s when I get an email from his solicitor, text from his parents etc that my heart rate goes through the roof and I feel sick. And it is this reaction that I have whenever I think about how he would respond to all of this.

I sent that email to the SW. I am sure that there is too much info in there and I feel that it is over running with anxiety and fear. But I’ve done it, I’ve made it clear to her how scared I am and I have said I am saying all this to keep my children safe. I’m vibrating with anxiety but I do feel assured I am doing the right thing. Thank you all so much for your patience, your compassion and the strength and belief you gave me. It really has made all the difference in feeling able to share this info with her and for helping me realise that even though it’s about me it may be relevant to the children’s welfare.

Lovely @Buscake that took enormous courage.

Well done. Well done. Truly.

How are you doing today @Buscake ?

@Brownbottle thank you for asking 🖤

feeling all over the place tbh. I know I was being discussed at marac today and I haven’t had the opportunity to speak to an idva yet. I know I did the right thing telling the SW. She replied, thanking me for my honesty and said that this info in no way impacted her assessment of my ability to parent. So that was an enormous relief.
however she did not address my repeated concerns about what would happen next with this information. And I guess that’s likely because the info would be shared at marac? Not sure how relevant it would be.

I hope things feel a little brighter next week when all the services are up and running again. It’s been a brutal period with nothing really open.

From someone else who found myself in an abusive relationship despite working with vulnerable people and knowing Safeguarding and the law inside out, I just want to say you're doing so so much better than you believe you are.

Also, if texts from his parents are giving you anxiety - block them. You're allowed to. You are not obliged to have any communication with them, and you get to choose whether or not you will.

If you have a solicitor ask them to tell his solicitor to direct all communication to them, not directly to you.

I don't know you, but I am so proud of you.

The shame is his.

Seconding @Azandme about communication. Set it up so that everything from him and his goes into a folder that you only look at when you want to. You may have a friend who can act as postman and check them, letting you know when there is something you need to act on.

You do not owe them your politeness or attention.