Becoming repulsed by sex and I don't know what to do

[StrawberryFields67]

In my life, I feel I have witnessed a lot of sexually inappropriate behaviour and it's making me more and more repulsed by sexuality in general. For example

• elderly grandfather losing inhibition as a result of dementia and masturbating openly all the time - distressing to witness and no methods of preventing it worked
• elderly uncle - always watching porn, masturbating in communal places like living rooms on family visits and at Xmas etc - no excuses for this he just doesn't care. I've tried to warn him and I've told him the neighbours could potentially see him through the window and he just doesn't care
• males around me always making sexual jokes which make me really uncomfortable
• one of my friends' sons is displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour before puberty and I find hearing about it distressing

I am long-term single for various reasons so it's not like sex features much in my life anyway, but now the prospect of it - even my own libido - just conjures up these memories and makes me feel sick. I'm disgusted by porn. I don't know how to enjoy sex anymore or how to 'fantasise' without worrying that I am a pervert. Behaviour that is essentially normal is starting to scare and unnerve me to a point where I can't even bear to see sex on TV. I never used to be this bad and I don't know how to get over it.

None of this is really normal and I’m sorry you have experienced what you have. How is your uncle managing to masturbate in front of people.

Gosh all of that sounds like awful dysfunctional behaviour - no wonder you’ve been put off.

Can you just not go to events your uncle / grandfather are at?

Ask your friend not to share this info about her son, explaining it’s upsetting to you because of previous family situations?

Avoid the men making gross jokes, or leave when they do?

You will have to think about strategies for all this, but unless you get some of this horribleness out of your life, it’s going to be hard to view sex positively.

While you are doing this, I would just take a break from it all - as in keep avoiding it on Tv, and don’t seek out sexual relationships. A break to reset is fine.

You might consider seeing a counsellor before you restart, but getting these horrible men out of your life and having a break may be all your need.

I’m so sorry you have been put through these distressing experiences. We naturally have shame around displaying sexual behaviours in public, but your relatives have been shameless and this lack of boundaries has displaced this shame on you. At the very least cut all contact with your uncle so you have that protection. Counselling might help you if you can find a good therapist. Don’t settle for the first one you find; it’s okay to have trial sessions before committing to a course.

He is addicted to watching horrible stuff on his phone or laptop and has no shame. One time my DM walked into the kitchen to get a drink from the fridge and he was in a corner with his hands in his pants. Once I walked in and he was sitting in the living room, all the curtains and blinds open etc, doing it. We have honestly screamed at him that it's Christmas and people are visiting and why can't he do things privately or at night etc so that other people aren't exposed to it and to porn and he just says "oh shut up", takes his tech away to another room and starts again. It makes me sick and I've told him that nobody will visit anymore if it continues.

It's absolutely fine to be disgusted by porn,contrary to lots of post of MN lots of people are.

I wouldn't be visiting your uncle if he is behaving like that without a good medical reason!

Behaviour that is essentially normal is starting to scare and unnerve me

Good - none of what you have posted is remotely normal. Why don't think it is? Any child displaying sexualised behaviour from such a young age is likely to be being abused - why isn't that your main concern?

Report him to the police

You don't have to see or be around any of these people. Who is making you?

There is something deeply wrong with your uncle.

Don't go to be anywhere near him ever again.

And I'd get the police involved. Exposing himself like that is unacceptable.

I am not surprised you're put off by men and sex. Not at all.

Detach from it all and with therapy, you might be able associate sex with the healthy, pleasurable activity it really is once again.

But you do realise that any other family wouldn’t go within a mile of an uncle who behaved like that, right?! Why are you still seeing him? By masturbating and watching porn in the same room as other family members, he is committing a sexual offence. And you’re all still seeing him and having him over to visit and talking to him about it as if it’s just an annoying quirk. Are you all insane?

Is your uncle doing it in his own hone or someone else's?

Your uncle is violating people's consent by continuing sexual behaviour when he's been asked to stop. Masturbating in public / in front of family members is not normal. Nor is anyone else enabling or turning a blind eye to this 'normal'.

I would refuse to ever spend time with him or near him and would report him to the police, it's highly unlikely this is the full extent of his 'flashing' fetish.

Is he on any medication? Some drugs for parkinsonism can cause strange compulsive behaviours, on the very small chance his behaviour may be in any way excusable, I would suggest an urgent review of his meds if this is the case.

No wonder you're finding it hard to feel like sexuality is safe or a positive experience.

Why have you continued to visit your pervert uncle?

You are being subject to sexually abuse behaviour
I think your boundaries are poor because you have been conditioned to accept these behaviours.
Does your uncle live with you?
I would be going no contact with him and at the very least, low contact with the other men.
You may need support to do this. If pervert uncle visits and you cannot stop him ie not your house, leave the house when he arrives and try to stay with another relative or friend.
I am assuming there are no children present when your uncle is there and I sincerely hope I’m right If children are there then immediately report him to the police and have him removed from the house.

How old were you when this all started. With the grandfather and uncle. This is not normal behaviour.

Do the grandfather & uncle live with you?

Is the child ok? Just wondering if they are watching inappropriate age rating stuff they shouldnt or being sexually abused to be showing these signs so early

I'm so sorry you experienced these awful behaviours by men.
If you don't want to have any sexual contact with another person that's totally fine. But fantasy/masturbation are private and you can imagine or think about whatever you like. Or not much. It's totally individual.
I'm so un-visual sexually I don't even really fantasise when I wank. And during sex I like to keep my eyes shut. I have also experienced abuse and rape in the past do maybe they are linked.
You don't need to feel you have to be sexual. Maybe some therapy might help, to deal with your past and help improve your confidence and self esteem. But don't be ashamed to be not interested in sex.
I wish you well x

Why you ever visit these people is beyond me. They all sound extremely dysfunctional and certifiable quite honestly.

This has to be a troll post!

Thank you for your responses. Just for context - my grandfather isn't around anymore, this is behaviour he engaged in the last 12-18 months before he died. I was helping out with cleaning his house during that period and he had carers visiting and other family cooking meals. It wasn't something he could really control and apparently isn't that uncommon in dementia patients but it was upsetting and it still comes to my mind now.

Uncle is a more ongoing issue. He lives alone and I get the sense that he does whatever he wants when he is alone and can't adapt / isn't interested in visits from family. We mainly visit for holidays and birthdays, help with housework, drive him to appointments, cook Christmas dinner etc as he's 70+. Once "interrupted" he will stop and will go into another part of the house, he doesn't just sit there continuing but he also doesn't apologise or acknowledge how it makes people feel. I don't want to be around it but I also worry that he will be noticed by his neighbours and reported by them and I've tried to warn him.

I wish I could delete these things from my mind or box them off so that I could have a more normal perspective. But I can't even talk to anyone about them. Can you imagine broaching this topic in real life? It's grim.

Why do you need to help at your uncle's house? I wouldn't go anywhere near him.

Is this what carers entering the homes of these people have to put up with? Thats crazy and worrying

Perhaps you should try to separate these things into normal sex stuff and perverted dysfunctional stuff.

The stuff you have put in your OP is way way way outside normal - it’s vile and perverted and has nothing to do with what most of us consider to be normal sex. Possibly with the exception of the jokes, which are probably made fairly innocently.

I'd leave the uncle to his own devices, I wouldn't care how old he is, I wouldn't be driving him to appointments, visiting him at Xmas, helping with housework.
You say he isn't bothered about visits from family- give him his wish and stay away from the pervert