Becoming repulsed by sex and I don't know what to do

[StrawberryFields67]

In my life, I feel I have witnessed a lot of sexually inappropriate behaviour and it's making me more and more repulsed by sexuality in general. For example

• elderly grandfather losing inhibition as a result of dementia and masturbating openly all the time - distressing to witness and no methods of preventing it worked
• elderly uncle - always watching porn, masturbating in communal places like living rooms on family visits and at Xmas etc - no excuses for this he just doesn't care. I've tried to warn him and I've told him the neighbours could potentially see him through the window and he just doesn't care
• males around me always making sexual jokes which make me really uncomfortable
• one of my friends' sons is displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour before puberty and I find hearing about it distressing

I am long-term single for various reasons so it's not like sex features much in my life anyway, but now the prospect of it - even my own libido - just conjures up these memories and makes me feel sick. I'm disgusted by porn. I don't know how to enjoy sex anymore or how to 'fantasise' without worrying that I am a pervert. Behaviour that is essentially normal is starting to scare and unnerve me to a point where I can't even bear to see sex on TV. I never used to be this bad and I don't know how to get over it.

In fact I'd disown the uncle, he's a dirty old man, and quite frankly, reading what you've told us about him has made me feel quite sick

Do not visit your uncle. That behaviour is vile and unacceptable and you don't have to tolerate it. If others wan't to visit him that's up to them but you need to stay away. Frankly l am amazed that family members want to go anywhere near him as he seems entirely unbothered about his disgusting behaviour and indifferent to people visiting him anyway.

Don't visit the uncle. Who cares if neighbours report him, people are entitled to masturbate in their own homes. Leave him to look after himself.

Agree with previous poster, ask friend not to discuss her son.

I work with dementia. It is a very complex and varied condition. The reality is your grandparent would be absolutely mortified of his old self knew. So as hard as it is we have to search for that empathy that his brain is not working and he really cannot help it and would not want you to change your memories of who he was when he wasn't u well.

Don't get me wrong it's not pleasant and your uncle sounds grim. But we should be enjoying sex with a person we love and want to be close to. None of us want to even think or know about older male relatives urges.
But we all have it in us. Men can be pigs with sexyal comments too. But there's nice men who are not like that no doubt.

I'm abit anti male at the moment myself. Sick of their boundary crossing.

As carers we deal with alot. Dementia isn't for the faint hearted. But we grow fond of them as individuals. They are humans at the end of their lives. Confused and vulnerable like toddlers. Some can be aggressive. Some are a picture of innocence. Some can be inappropriate..but as carers we keep them safe and dignified. We remember they were once hero's, providers parents etc. It's not their faults. It's a horrible cruel disease that leaves them a shell of who they were. Alot of the men I care for are ex Raf pilots and military police or teachers. They had good lives then were robbed of their working minds.

Who is the “we” you refer to when visiting your uncle? Is it your mother?

He would much rather wank than engage with you. So stop going. Unless the neighbours are peering in the window it’s very unlikely anyone will see.

Why are any of you going anywhere near your uncle? He sounds absolutely appalling.

A number of people have asked you about your part in all of this? Why are you spending time with your sexually abusive uncle and you don’t seem to be answering with any reasons. You are an adult, this behaviour is clearly violating your boundaries, why are you as an adult so keen to hide it from neighbours but so willing to be around it yourself. What makes the neighbours so much more special that they shouldn’t have to witness your uncles behaviour.

Clue: they are not, your thinking is distorted you should not be around your uncle at all because he has been sexually assaulting you and others for a period of time.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It does sound like your natural desires are being muddled uo with shame put in you from these significant experiences. That sounds really difficult. Are you in a position to try therapy?

You need to follow through on your threats to stop visiting him because he isn’t going to stop. Otherwise they’re just empty threats. There needs to be a consequence. That’s assuming he can actually control it though - (?) he must be in pretty serious cognitive decline displaying that behaviour. ?
Im not surprised you’re feeling put off the idea of sex is that’s your current point of reference. I wouldn’t worry. The chances are that if you were in the company of a hottie in a social setting that helped you forget your current stresses, you’d be perfectly likely to want to jump their bones. Maybe life has shrunk a bit, so that the difficult things you’ve described are looming large in your everyday life and mind.

How old is your uncle? Is he mentally unwell too?

This. It's horrific.

Surely this is a fabricated post.
It definitely isn’t normal - but it appears to be every male she knows, from young to old, is some sort of pervert.
I’m having difficulty believing it.

To be honest, after Gisele Pelicot, who can say?

I do think, OP, that
We mainly visit for holidays and birthdays, help with housework, drive him to appointments, cook Christmas dinner etc as he's 70+
Is more than quite a few people do for lovely sweet relatives, which your uncle isn't. Where have you got this idea from that you have to do these things? You don't. Stop. Even if other family members carry on, you don't have to.

Have you thought about seeking out counselling? That doesn't mean you're wrong - your grandad and uncle are in the wrong here. But to help you forget these bad memories and reframe sex for yourself.

Really? I keep learning more and more about how foul men are given the opportunity

The uncle is a freak unless he's seriously mentally ill .

Time to leave him to get on with it alone as he wishes and he will be reported for it one day most likely sooner than later

God. The family sounded seriously disturbed. Report the public masturbation even in own home but in view of windows.

Op, cut out these creepy people. I am not surprised your view of sex is distorted .

It is pretty hard to read these replies questioning if the post is real. I already can't talk about it 'in real life', I post it here, and it seems unreal? How many women do you know who end up doing the lion's share of the cleaning/cooking/caring etc for older relatives - there are a lot of us. I didn't ask for this behaviour and I know it's not normal.

Oh I know all about the expectations of the females in the family sadly. Please don’t think this is an attack it isn’t

you need to say no more as well as the others too. Inform SS and leave it to them.

It is my mother, yeah. And I agree - we need to stop going. I think collectively we try to 'parent' him and help him look after himself but it isn't helpful and he should be left to his own devices.

i don't people are surprised that a man acts like that. But they are surprised that you continue to visit.

It seems as if your boundaries are very poor and over time you’ve been subjected to a lot of deviant perverted behaviour in your family - and it sounds like you don’t realise quite how extreme and awful it is.

Was there anything like this growing up in your family? It sounds very unhealthy and dysfunctional.

I wouldn’t continue to visit any relative who did what your uncle is doing. I’m not surprised you have been put off sex.

Well... my grandfather had dementia and so I don't think he should be demonised. I wasn't trying to demonise him either, I am just trying to cope with the effects of seeing this stuff.

And people say "I can't believe it", well, I could have written a lot worse than this. When I was a child I once feigned sleep whilst a r* happened in the same room and the next day I helped my DM barricade the bedroom door with chests of drawers and boxes.

I am a functional adult, I am more than these shitty experiences. I just don't know how to fully rinse them out of my mind so I can live my life.

How long has your uncle been behaving like this for? Is he disabled in some way that prevents him from doing his own cleaning? Or is he benefiting from your dm thinking it’s her responsibility to skivvy for him?

Your mums loyalty to him is misplaced and I wonder if you go along to support your mum out of guilt.