Becoming repulsed by sex and I don't know what to do

[StrawberryFields67]

In my life, I feel I have witnessed a lot of sexually inappropriate behaviour and it's making me more and more repulsed by sexuality in general. For example

• elderly grandfather losing inhibition as a result of dementia and masturbating openly all the time - distressing to witness and no methods of preventing it worked
• elderly uncle - always watching porn, masturbating in communal places like living rooms on family visits and at Xmas etc - no excuses for this he just doesn't care. I've tried to warn him and I've told him the neighbours could potentially see him through the window and he just doesn't care
• males around me always making sexual jokes which make me really uncomfortable
• one of my friends' sons is displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour before puberty and I find hearing about it distressing

I am long-term single for various reasons so it's not like sex features much in my life anyway, but now the prospect of it - even my own libido - just conjures up these memories and makes me feel sick. I'm disgusted by porn. I don't know how to enjoy sex anymore or how to 'fantasise' without worrying that I am a pervert. Behaviour that is essentially normal is starting to scare and unnerve me to a point where I can't even bear to see sex on TV. I never used to be this bad and I don't know how to get over it.

Most people in this thread are referring to your continued visits to your *uncle tbf. My post, along with many others, specifically stated that you shouldn’t continue to visit your uncle. It’s not about “demonising” anyone be it your grandfather or uncle or anyone else - it’s about not minimising these very gross, shocking and traumatic incidents.

That story about witnessing rape is horrific and it explains a lot, and indeed confirms what I suggested. You’ve evidently been subjected to abusive perverted behaviours from childhood to adulthood that you are perhaps not reacting the way most others would in the sense of taking immediate steps to protect yourself and get out of that environment (your uncles) for good.

Again - I would not continue to visit the uncle.

I hope you can receive some counselling or mental health services for the trauma you’ve experienced.

These visits are distressing you yet you still go. There is obviously a barrier to you asserting yourself. And it’s not the uncle because it sounds like he is deliberately doing everything he can to deter you from visiting. He wants to be left alone to wank.

If your mum is pressuring you, that is very wrong of her.

None of this is your fault and I think you need to distance yourself from it to reinforce that it isn't normal and shouldn't be part of your everyday life. You (and your DM) need to stop visiting your uncle. (If he complains or wants help say you will go over and clean/cook/whatever only when he is out of the house because his behaviour is gross, but only if you want to). Tell your friend you don't want to hear about her son. Stop spending time with these males telling offensive jokes - if it's family tell them they remind you of uncle, if it's at work report to HR.

I hope you can, in time, remember sex as a lovable and enjoyable activity. Not a one-sided affair that one person imposes on another.

Exactly this ^

If you have an issue with ALL men of all ages, the problem is In yourself.
I do not believe this thread is real.

She hasn’t said she has this issue with ALL men of all ages. If you’ve never heard men making gross sexual joke’s you must live under a rock.

@LavenderFields7 Then you haven't been on Mumsnet long enough, are a man, or have lived an extremely pleasant life.

Jesus no wonder you feel the way you do OP.

You need space & time in order to try and resolve this, and you can't do that if you're having to be around your Uncle in my view. If I were you, I'd want to move hours away from him.

Also I'm so sorry OP - like I suspected, you also have additional experiences from childhood which just adds to this.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you've had these awful experiences.

Please seek out psychotherapy. These experiences have distorted your perception of sex and it's a form of abuse. Therapy can help you to move past these intrusive thoughts and images that keep coming back and re frame your beliefs around sex.

The uncle should be left to rot in his own jizz.
(I apologise for my phrasing, it made me feel sick too)

I would stop helping or visiting this uncle. No one should be tolerating this from him.

And yes, please stop visiting your uncle. This is sexually abusive behaviour that is unwanted. Your experiences have normalised this to an extent which is why it baffles us that you continue to go.

But you don't have to subject yourself to this.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Witnessing or hearing about inappropriate or distressing sexual behaviors, especially repeatedly and over a long time, can have a profound impact on how you view sexuality and your own relationship with it. These feelings are valid, and it's important to approach them with compassion for yourself.

OP you need to protect yourself and stop the exposure to the behaviours affecting your mental health. Stop seeing your uncle and the friend. Report what she has told you about her son to social services.

See your GP for some therapy or pay privately if you can afford it. It’s clear you are struggling and need some professional help to get through all these things you have experienced.

Put yourself first and find someone qualified to help you deal with these emotions 💐

I'm I sorry you're going through all this op. Please stop seeing your uncle. Your uncle will need to get social services or someone else to care for him, his behaviour towards you and your mum is completely unacceptable.

The only way to approach this is to seek therapeutic support to process your experiences and to be able to separate them from a normal
healthy appreciation of sex, while also setting new boundaries (no time with your uncle, asking your friend to not share information about her son etc) that protect you from unnecessary exposure to distressing situations.

I don't have an issue with men of all ages.

I have only had 1 partner but he was a nice man, never hurt me or did anything 'weird' at all. I just found myself, over time, becoming more uncomfortable with the sexual side of things because I couldn't switch off, kept having thoughts relating to the events described in the OP and it became an obstacle.

It got to a point where I did not want to look at his body and would turn lights off etc or would get anxious that he might moan or his breathing might change in a certain way 'in the moment' for example, and I would develop an immediate revulsion to certain sounds and then want to stop, get dressed, go home, etc. He didn't really understand what the problem was, I would rather have died than explain it and so it ended and I've been single a lot time since. I envy the pleasant life you have had if these feelings are totally alien to you.

When I was a child I once feigned sleep whilst a r* happened in the same room and the next day I helped my DM barricade the bedroom door with chests of drawers and boxes.

"a rape happened", no it didn't. A man chose to rape someone. Did your father rape someone? Was it the pervy uncle? Was the victim your mother?

You have been sexually abused from an early age. Committing rape in front of a child is sexual abuse. Even consensual sex in front of a child is abuse.

At some point, you have lost your own ability to set and enforce boundaries. This is really common amongst abuse victims and you need to claim that back.

At some point, at the time of that childhood rape or even earlier, you have adopted the role of protecting your mother, at the expense of your own needs. You need to assert your right to service your own needs.

To start healing, I recommend:

1. Stop visiting the pervy uncle. He can stew in his own filth and sort his own life out.
2. Tell your mother that you won't be going to see the pervy uncle and suggest to her that she stops.
3. Phone Rape Crisis. You are a victim of sexual abuse and they are here for you. If you are male, contact Survivors UK.
4. Take the Freedom Programme. Whilst aimed at domestic abuse victims, it will help you too because boundary violation is common to all forms of male abuse of women.

The child who is behaving inappropriately is possibly being abused: precocious sexual behaviour is a red flag for sexual abuse. Childhood exposure to porn is a form of abuse. When you next see the mother, tell her this and ask her what she's doing to safeguard him. If you don't like her answer, or don't feel up to that conversation, report the boy to Childline.

Your visceral reaction to sounds suggests PTSD. You witnessed a rape as a child, so PTSD wouldn't be a surprising outcome. I'm not a clinician so don't take that as a diagnosis.

You need to stop going to see the pervy uncle.

Once you aren't being retriggered all the time, then you can talk to Rape Crisis and start healing.

What "healing" looks like isn't "forgetting" but "the memories are manageable and don't cause showstopping distress when they surface".

Why frame your feelings as bad just because they do not align with the current pseudo-scientific orthodoxy of what many psychologist think people should feel? There is nothing wrong with being repulsed by sex. Blasphemy, in our sex-obsessed culture. Look at all those weird, obsessive male behaviours you have witness. Truly disgusting.
"How do you feel about love, Sophocles? are you still capable of it?" to which he replied, "Hush! if you please: to my great delight I have escaped from it, and feel as if I had escaped from a frantic and savage master."

It's a big part of life to miss out on though, or to find distressing or stressful when other people enjoy it and it is part of meaningful relationships.

There are plenty on meaningful relationships without sex. My relationships with my friends are meaningful.

I'm sorry for what you witnessed as a child. I know I would struggle with this memory.
I too wonder if the child is ok and suggest you leave the uncle alone to deal with any consequences. Prioritise your own wellbeing.

With regards to your main point, I feel disgusted by men as a whole and I really wish I didn't but the longer I live and the more I hear the repulsion with men grows. I am straight so it does put me off sex with men and it has dampened by libido. When I do masturbate I'm imagining scenarios I didn't used to like, sex with an alien or ghost.. it's this much that I've been put off men 😂😂😂 it's funny but awful really.
I saw a TikTok once where this American young woman was saying something like ' stop worrying if you're pretty enough for him men will literally shag anything, an armpit, a hole in a wall...' and it really sums up men they fuck anything and even the so called decent ones their perversion is bubbling on the surface, it's only a matter of time and opportunity.

I just wouldn't bother dating and focus on friendship with women, supporting and bettering the lives of girls and women, focusing on animals and nature.. making sure I'm safe and well and financially ok. It's easier to have the income help from another man but most men wouldn't want a sexless relationship so secure your future as a celibate, single person and invest in other areas that don't involve sex or sexualisation.

But OP wants a closer connection than you can have with friends and that is totally normal.