Loan outstanding to our son is causing weekly abuse

[Tiredtrudy]

I'm not sure if I'm being the unreasonable one here. We moved two years ago. Our adult son (now 25) was living in London. Our mortgage offer came up £20k short and he covered the shortfall with a loan (we had maxed out on the house due to our ages). Payments to be paid by us, and his terms were he wanted to move in to save for a house deposit. That was eighteen months ago. During that time I became seriously ill and will not recover. I'm the high earner. I'm waiting to be medically retired. These things are never quick as insurance doesn't want to pay.
He has paid nearly all the monthly payments as I've been unwaged but never given us any keep. He might buy the odd takeaway. Anything he pays for is recorded on a spreadsheet which I didn't know existed until recently.
The monthly payment is £400 the same as many friends charge their adult DC. He eats a lot. He earns more than his father who is in his 60s and still working to keep a roof over our heads. We also have a younger DC at home who is at a local University.
Things have come to head as he wants to buy this spring. I haven't been able to confirm if I can give him this money back then. He is now forcing us to sell our home (which we do need to due for mobility reasons). We have equity in the house to repay him and move to a smaller property.
I'm now expected to give full weekly updates on our finances and any accessible work options I might be applying for. If I don't give him this information he flys into a rage screaming at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
The payments he has made are less than 10% of his take home pay.
He had mostly a private education and I paid off his sports car finance two years ago. He's never offered to take that off 'the bill'.
My DH has told him I'm ill and when the house is sold he can have his money. It doesn't seem to be enough. My husband things he's a privileged brat.
To punish us he refused to attend a family party at the weekend. Yesterday he shouted at me for an hour. I was crying. It turns out he had promised his GF a house last year. She was going to leave him as this hasn't happened.
Due to my health I am barely able to walk. I can't just go and work in a shop or warehouse. He does stay with his GF a couple of days a week and we all breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not frightened of him but he is so nasty to me. I don't know what to do.

He already isn’t inheriting the hiuse!

To answer a few questions :

He has a mortgage offer. He has savings.
The loan for for four years. He's nearly paid it off due his high salary and because he has not paid the agreed rent. I paid £3200 of it to date.

The house has been valued and will be up for sale next month. That was the advice of the agents. I wasn't aware of the timescales had changed.

I have accepted we need to sell. Please see other posts.

Yes my DH is entitled to half my house and pension if he wanted to divorce me. Why would he do that if he gets the lot when I die?

Why are we so skint? We lost a considerable sum to a fraudulent company last year.

Can I work, not at the moment until they blast me again.

@Rosscameasdoody spot on with your posts. We agree on alot of things under my usual name. Obviously I name changed for this as its very outing.

We have no family with money. I was always the family ATM.

Again what have you actually done to try and fix this?

My 23-year-old would get told to shut up if she tried to insist on anything of that nature

But this still doesn't answer the question of what your husband is contributing now. Why do you say "My DH is not involved in this as it is my house but he inherits it on my death." Is he not paying the mortgage? Not on the deeds? Why?

You lost money to a fraudulent company? Is this further financial mismanagement on your part? What happened?

He has a mortgage offer. He has savings.

@Tiredtrudy I appreciate that you are very stressed but the above & talk of private education, food consumption comes across a tad resentful, like you think your son should be fine with covering the repayments.

He has a mortgage offer. He has savings.
The loan for for four years. He's nearly paid it off due his high salary and because he has not paid the agreed rent. I paid £3200 of it to date.

A £400 repayment doesn’t even hit £20k over 4 years let alone with around the 9% interest rate he probably has on it.

Yes my DH is entitled to half my house and pension if he wanted to divorce me. Why would he do that if he gets the lot when I die?
Why is your DH not covering the loan once you came out of work? Why have you allowed it to default to your DS without your DH even attempting to step up?

If you lost a “substantial sum” only last year but your DS has been living with you for 18 months does this mean this happened after the house purchase? Why did you borrow £20k from your son if you still had substantial funds?

Yes my DH is entitled to half my house and pension if he wanted to divorce me. Why would he do that if he gets the lot when I die?

So what will your dc inherit?

Curious about this loss to a fraudulent company? What happened there? Why is it your house, DS's loan, but "WE" lost lots of money?
Have you sought financial advise?

He and his sister inherit her pension.

I missed the post where OP said it was 6 years. Tesco will loan £20k over 36 months for £389 to Clubcard members so it was a fair assumption to make.

You are saying he repaid this loan and has a mortgage offer, so what is his beef? You owe him just shy of 12k and it will be repaid. Is that a life changing sum for him if he has mortgage offer? I don't understand.
Also drip feeding details is not helping.
He is a spoiled brat as it has been mentioned several times. I would not allow to be spoken to like that in my own home.
There is likely more to this story and you are not revealing the whole picture,

• It wasnt financially responsible to buy house you couldnt afford. If you have to get your son to take out a loan, then you can’t afford it.
• Paying for private education, paying off his car loans, gifts for his home also doesn’t sound financially prudent. Not if you’re resorting to taking out loans to bridge mortgage shortfalls. This is all money that could have been invested or in a savings account, which would have meant you didn’t need to take out a loan.
• You should be selling the home, because can’t afford it in the first place. Pay him off straight away.
• Opt for a smaller home, where there is no space for your son
• invoice for the rent, car loan and anything else. You won’t see any payment from him but invoice anyway.
• You have raised an entitled and spoilt brat, you must recognise this. It’s time to let him stand on his own two feet’s and cut him loose.
• Focus on getting your finances together and make sure the other DC actually pays rent.

@Mirabai and if/hopefully when the OP recovers and beats cancer, and needs her pension, what will they inherit?

A 23 year old with almost no credit, no assets and a very short work history isn’t going to get anywhere near the advertised best interest rates.

This.

However the Op is where she is - and can only sit down with actual figures and try and talk to her DS about how to move forward and what constraints she faces about paying back to his deadline and what she can manage. Plus lay down acceptable behavior going forward as well - as he clearly not behaving well.

He’s NEVER paid the £300. OP paid the £400 loan repayment until she became ill, so he’s essentially been living there for free until then. Maybe a better solution would be that he pays the loan and OP/DH pay him £100 a month if you’re going to be really mercenary about a rent agreement made 18 months ago, before a massive cost of living increases and before one of his parents is terminally ill and unable to work.

I NEVER said he has paid rent just that he is not obliged to pay rent and the monthly repayment, why is that confusing you? It’s not mercenary to state the terms of an agreement. What he should or could do is a different point to what was agreed.

@thescandalwascontained @YourAzureEagle If my parents did this (or any combination of these two amazing ideas) to my brother over anything short of physical assault or threats of assault (which obviously aren’t happening as OP says she’s not afraid of the son, I wouldn’t be surprised if the crying is as much due to her guilt over the situation as the actual magnitude of the behaviour from the son), I would never speak to them again, without a shadow of a doubt. Hell, if my sibling or friend did this to their child, there is absolutely no way I could ever respect them enough to have a friendly relationship with them again.

Why are you going on about him not paying the £300 a month rent. He’s paying off the loan he took out for you! Why would he pay rent on top of that?
He agreed to pay £300 a month to you.
You were meant to pay off the loan you used to buy your house. You didn’t. He pays it. So that’s the rent.

I hope you haven’t been asking him for the rent on top of that?

You need to sit down with him and go over how many months of the loan he has paid for you, and for each of those months you owe him £100 (because he would have been paying £300 to you instead of £400 for the loan).

Pay him back his £100 per month, then pay off the rest of the loan yourself.

If he refuses that offer, then ask him why he can go back on the deal to pay £300 rent if he expects you to still pay the loan? He can’t have it both ways.

I cannot believe you are not actively marketing this property no wonder your son is fed up.

No excuses for screaming at you but I suspect that might stop if he felt a resolution was imminent.

He must feel very trapped.

TBH, I know this is deviating from the OPs post, but if one of my family was taking over 8 years to pay off a £1000 debt to me, then I'd be a bit annoyed as well...
Obviously definitely not your fault you're ill though!

He's nearly paid it off due his high salary and because he has not paid the agreed rent.

Well he has paid the agreed rent hasn’t he @Tiredtrudy , he’s actually paid £100 more per month by paying off your loan. Why should be pay the loan for you and pay you rent. Surely you can see he’s paid the loan instead of the rent?

He has a mortgage offer. He has savings.
The loan for for four years. He's nearly paid it off due his high salary and because he has not paid the agreed rent. I paid £3200 of it to date.
The house has been valued and will be up for sale next month. That was the advice of the agents. I wasn't aware of the timescales had changed.

So apart from the £3200 he’s paid the rest of the loan.

What was the agreement of you paying him back the loan?

Obviously when the loan was taken out, you and DH made a plan to pay DS £X a month.
How much was that?

When you couldn’t afford it anymore, what was the conversation?
You asked if he could continue paying the £400 until it was paid off?
And then when did you say you would pay him back? When the house was sold?

Something has obviously happened/changed for him to be panicking about moving out in the spring.
Was the house supposed to be sold by now?

@Tiredtrudy actually you said your son was forcing you - that isn’t acceptance and it won’t help going forward

Well she may not, that’s the point.

Best case scenario she survives. But she and DH won’t live forever so their offspring stand to inherit the value of the estate when the second one passes.