In a bad way :-(

[GreyCat344]

Hi all last month I found out my husband of over 12 years has been cheating on me with someone from work, I found hotel booking receipts and calls to her the same evening (the evening that he told me he was running late from work) he fully denied that he had slept with her and that he couldn't go through with it and he left, he said it was because I had been horrible lately and someone just showed him a bit of Attention but nothing more, he was absolutely adamant that nothing happened. I tried to believe him but something wasn't right, he swore on his fathers grave and his daughters life, I then called the hotel only to find out he had not only checked in once but twice! He lied again and said He did check in but did not go to the rooms and the other time he checked in it was because he was thinking of leaving me but again didn't go through with it. He said he didn't tell me about the other booking as he didn't want to hurt me. But again full on denied meeting this girl. All this was whilst he was meant to be working I found txts to his work mate asking if he could leave early! After this I asked him to leave where he went to a hotel and called me and my daughter over 20 times stating he was going to kill himself. He called me all the names under the sun and told my daughter that I am the reason for his death, she was absolutely distraught. He ended up being arrested. He returned home and was still denying it all stating it's all in my head only to find him txting her again. When I seen the txts he made out I was seeing things but before I could read them he strangled me and dived on me, I had to have him arrested and was put on bail for 2 weeks. The girl involved has also denied seeing him however they have been caught together during his time on bale all the while he was txting our 10 year old daughter promising he has never seen another girl and that he was going to fix things. He has since abused me and called me vile horrible names to my daughter and said I have caused all this and ruined all our lives just over a few txt messages and I need help I am a psycho etc. I am off work with all the stress and trauma however he says ‘get back to work instead of stewing making up more stories around the house if you can’t drop it then get help, I haven’t done anything.’ after all the things he has done and traumatised me and my daughter why the hell am I so upset and distraught about leaving him! I am really in a bad way! He is still completely denying it even after I caught him on the ring camera talking to her, he said it wasn’t her. So many lies. It's been 4 weeks and I can't seem to function. I feel sick to my stomach about the fact of him with this other girl who is 15 years younger than him 😢 I feel I’m distraught and suffering and he is out there swanning around without a care in the world with this girl 😞

This is so toxic that you must get your emotions under control and take control.
I believe he is gas-lighting you which is something you can look up. He is making you feel as if you are going mad even within the light of the facts you have gathered. That I believe is gas lighting. Check it out.
Meanwhile block him! Block him on every every avenue of contact & social media. Shut him and his new supply down!

Set up a dedicated email address for him to use for co-parenting arrangements and nothing else.

If you are still under the same roof, start living like a house share. Separate food cupboard, fridge section, don’t do his washing or prep his food.
Go cold, icy cold.

See a solicitor and stay calm. Protect your daughter’s equilibrium and look after your mental health by distancing yourself.

Shut this man & his new supply down and do it soon!

Give yourself an enforced break from this mental overload until you have taken legal advice and considered your options.

First post nails it, as usual

Block his number on your daughter's phone.

You need support from a domestic abuse organisation. They can advise on steps you can take like non molestation orders.

It would simpler to get legal advice and leave and pull yourself together for your child's sake

I would also be reporting the hotel for giving out private information that is actually nothing to do with you

So sorry omg you must be going out of your mind. But you need to move out or he needs to leave. Trust yourself do not let him gaslight you. Keep all evidence print it copy it take it to a solicitor. Explain to your daughter that sometimes grown ups go through crisis stress etc you can't really explain what's going on at her age I guess but maybe get her to take what he's saying with an open mind so she understands not everything he says is the truth. Tell her you both love her but your both having a difficult time. Of course you are upset and distraught this is a huge shock sounds as though it's really come out if nowhere. He's also been violent is this the first time? I would speak to women's aid they will be able to help you because I feel you need to consider a move he sounds like he's a danger perhaps get a restraining order. Your ultimately distraught because this is not the person who you married but that's how you get through you tell yourself the person you thought you knew the person who you married was not real parts of him maybe but do not hold onto the good because he's now shown you who he really is a violent manipulate womaniser. Again so very sorry please do reach out to women's aid and get a good solicitor xx

Thank you it’s so hard xx

Make sure that your DD's phone blocks his number - she cannot be having these inappropriate blackmailing calls.

This is definitely the most stand out thing for me too. Either take the phone off her or block his number from it.

Look at his behaviour:
Texting his 10 year old DD in a totally inappropriate and traumatic way, also lying and gaslighting her too.
Emotional manipulation by claiming he wants to kill himself- people who do attempt it, don't announce it multiple times, and not to their 10 year old DD.
Calling you names, saying you are psycho.
You must be emotionally drained after all that. He has lost control of himself and his behaviour is extreme. Your DD needs protecting from him at this time. Block his number on her phone, better still, hold her phone for a time, she doesn't need it at her age.
Block him on your phone, you could do with the peace too for now. Let him contact through email only. Grey rock, ignore, ignore, then ignore some more.
Meantime, seek a restraining order, you already have police involvement as evidence. Cutting out his noise will help. Also, for your DD's sake, you should engage with all safeguarding services that are offered.

I just can’t believe he is Being like this after All these years

The fact he is using your daughter like that would be it for me.

Why is it women put up with so much evil shit from horrible men, yet the fact he's cheating is somehow the problem?

The cheating is like sprinkles on the icing on a 6 tiered cake. Seriously! Why give a fuck. If anything it's a good thing if he swans off with her instead of staying and abusing you and your kid. She's actually doing you a massive favour.

Keep him the hell away from you. Do the freedom programme online with your daughter. So you can both spot abuse. And seek some trauma therapy for you and your kid.

Did you know that it's a red flag for murder when a man strangles his girl friend/female partner/wife? It's a known route of escalation.

Do the police know about the assault? You need to tell them for your own safety and that of your daughter.

He cheated, forget his attempts to gaslight you, the fact that he's cheated more than once is a known fact now.

He's abusive in more ways than one. Strangling is incredibly serious. Do not underestimate it.

Both women's aid and refuge can help you:

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/i-am-being-abused/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

This organisation can get you a restraining order (non molestation order), make sure it contains powers of arrest if he breaks it & that it doesn't include your address / contact details (important if you change any of these):
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

I know that it can be scary when you take the step of obtaining a restraining order because of the unknown, but they've seen it all - share your fears and worries with them, ask them any questions and they'll be able to help.

Although you don't have to report the assaults to the police, I strongly urge you to do so for your own protection and the safety & wellbeing of your daughter.

You're not alone, there are people who can and will help and you can be free of this.

No contact for a week now

And how are you doing @GreyCat344 ?

So sorry to hear what you’ve been through OP. As you mentioned strangulation, you are at serious risk of escalation from your partner.

Please make sure you get help and take all action you can to ensure you and your daughter are safe. I can’t emphasise this enough. the below link can help you.

www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/#:~:text=Strangulation%20is%20a%20significant%20predictor,them%20is%2010%20times%20higher.

I am really struggling I don’t know why the hell I would miss such an evil toxic man I hate myself for it

Get yourself and your daughter somewhere safe, @GreyCat344
You will heal in time ( emotionally) but you need to be safe.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Pinkbonbon makes a load of good points, op.

You have probably been so inured to his vile abuse for so long that you are used to it.

( like how someone gets used to a bad smell)

I’ve heard people mention “The freedom programme “ for women in violent and abusive relationships.

You have nothing to hate yourself for, darling. He's done a number on you - in more ways than one.

It's normal to have such conflicted feelings, why do you think so many women struggle to leave abusive relationships?

Accept the feeling of missing him as a part of a relationship ending - it will pass. Right now you're the at end of a big part of your life and that's OK, you're getting rid of all the shit and deadwood to make room for a wonderful future.

A future in which you're safe, free, happy & loved.

For now, focus on remaining strong and taking care of yourself and your daughter. You've got this and you'll come through it.

OP, forget about the cheating, the lying, the verabl abuse, the emotional blackmail, the appaling way he is involving your young daughter in all this and try to remember just this one fact -

A man who will strangle you is one step away from killing you.

You are understandbly a mess - he has probably worn down your self esteem over the years. But he is a nasty, abusive cunt that shouldn't be allowed to mix with people. So get yourself ready to leave, with your beautiful daughter and start looking at him through the lens of contempt that he deserves. None of this is your fault and you and your daughter deserve so, so much better.

Thank you i appreciate the kind words

Feeling down today

Lots of people on here sending u support OP. Take one day at a time OP. U will enjoy peace again.