In a bad way :-(

[GreyCat344]

Hi all last month I found out my husband of over 12 years has been cheating on me with someone from work, I found hotel booking receipts and calls to her the same evening (the evening that he told me he was running late from work) he fully denied that he had slept with her and that he couldn't go through with it and he left, he said it was because I had been horrible lately and someone just showed him a bit of Attention but nothing more, he was absolutely adamant that nothing happened. I tried to believe him but something wasn't right, he swore on his fathers grave and his daughters life, I then called the hotel only to find out he had not only checked in once but twice! He lied again and said He did check in but did not go to the rooms and the other time he checked in it was because he was thinking of leaving me but again didn't go through with it. He said he didn't tell me about the other booking as he didn't want to hurt me. But again full on denied meeting this girl. All this was whilst he was meant to be working I found txts to his work mate asking if he could leave early! After this I asked him to leave where he went to a hotel and called me and my daughter over 20 times stating he was going to kill himself. He called me all the names under the sun and told my daughter that I am the reason for his death, she was absolutely distraught. He ended up being arrested. He returned home and was still denying it all stating it's all in my head only to find him txting her again. When I seen the txts he made out I was seeing things but before I could read them he strangled me and dived on me, I had to have him arrested and was put on bail for 2 weeks. The girl involved has also denied seeing him however they have been caught together during his time on bale all the while he was txting our 10 year old daughter promising he has never seen another girl and that he was going to fix things. He has since abused me and called me vile horrible names to my daughter and said I have caused all this and ruined all our lives just over a few txt messages and I need help I am a psycho etc. I am off work with all the stress and trauma however he says ‘get back to work instead of stewing making up more stories around the house if you can’t drop it then get help, I haven’t done anything.’ after all the things he has done and traumatised me and my daughter why the hell am I so upset and distraught about leaving him! I am really in a bad way! He is still completely denying it even after I caught him on the ring camera talking to her, he said it wasn’t her. So many lies. It's been 4 weeks and I can't seem to function. I feel sick to my stomach about the fact of him with this other girl who is 15 years younger than him 😢 I feel I’m distraught and suffering and he is out there swanning around without a care in the world with this girl 😞

Thanks so much

Get away from him and keep your daughter away from him. He's a dangerous manipulator.
You will both be far better off without this man in your life

You are suffering acute withdrawl symptoms, this is making you physically and emotionally ill, it comes from the trauma of finding out the person you thought you knew probably never existed.

I won't lie, depending on your support system, your nature, your age, how deep a person you are will be alligned with the recovery process.
No one who has been betrayed, who truly loved get's away scot free without pain, it's a real fact that if you love someone you don't cause them pain, someone who doesn't understand this is selfish or stupid, you are wanting to forgive him just to take the pain away at the moment but the pain will remain, you will become stronger eventually however this plays out.

Have a read about narcisism, this can help, realising their brains are wired differently.
Honestly if I could give you a big hug I would, you are just finding out that you are one of the nice ones in this world, trusting, probably slightly niave, with strong morals and high ideals.
You will find out there are many amoungst us that are not kind people, they lie, cheat, steal and want to win at the expense of others, do not change your ways, one day when you are older and those arround you are older you will be much more sure about the nature of some of the shits arround you.

Hold onto that, the bigger picture and hopefully one day your life will have better people in it, ones that deserve your love and loyalty, at the moment you are in a battle with one of the baddies, don't let him win, he's not fit to lick your boots.

Understand there is no shame in being upset, being taken advantage of and being made to feel like you have lost, time has a way of revealing truths.

Believe me, I would rather know you than that excuse of a husband you have.

Now think about a time where you will allow others to see and know your kind nature, sounds like your h kept all of that kindness and attention for himself and took it for granted. It's scary out there but honestly no more scary than the cunt you have at home, really there are some genuinely decent people out there.

I had an almost identical experience with ex h who was willing to psychologically torment his kids too; they were a bit younger. I beat myself up for years over how I'd been such a bad judge of character and how he was capable of it.

I feel nothing whatsoever for him now, and if it wasn't for the fact he is my kids' dad I couldn't care if he lives or dies.

In my case things calmed down over the years and I gave my kids the most incredible stepdad whom even now they are adults now, they are still grateful for.

Get away from this man right now and some trauma counselling for your dd.

Listen to Pinkbonbon - a very wise poster.

Very thank you

Thanks so much this really helped

thanks so much

Hope your feeling better lovely. Seriously it does get better, doesn't feel like it now but it does. Put you and your daughter first now. 💐

Thanks so much I really appreciate it x

What helped me was realising I don't miss him. I miss the idea I had of him in my head. The dream I was always working towards and the act he used to con me.

Write everything down that he has done and read it when you feel week. Re read this post and the responses. Consciously think if the impact on your dd when you feel lonely. You love her more than him.

Get new bedding. Decorate if you can or just rearrange the furniture. Change the fabric conditioner and reed diffuser scents. Make the house feel different. So it's your house with dd not your house with him that he is now missing from.

Start a new series on Netflix/Disney/whatever. New book. Something you can distract your mind with when you need to. I find audiobook at bedtime helped keep my mind off how shit life was

What has happened to you is horrible. Of course you are upset. There is no shame in that. And you can't fix it without a lot of time. It's horrible because you want an easy fix but try accepting it will take time. Sit with the pain for a bit then try distract yourself. You have to feel it to get through it. And I promise you eventually it gets better. Especially when you see how much better life is for your kid and how much better you feel not constantly questioning what he's saying or living in fear he will hurt you. But it takes time to get to that point. And understanding of what has happened and why. Because the why is his fault not yours. Maybe you have something in your past/childhood that made you a target for an abuser. Understanding that helps you heal too.

Make use of us anonymous women on the internet. You can be hurt and vulnerable here while you fake it for your dd. One day you will be responding to a post with advice or understanding for another woman going through this and you will realise it doesn't hurt all the time for you anymore.

You are strong. Look what you have lived through. lol what you have achieved. You are parenting alone now through a very difficult time. It's hard but you are doing it. This is the worst time it will only get better from here. You can do it because you are doing it. Strength isn't finding this easy- you are not a narcissist who can loose a partner and not feel the pain- you are an emotionally caring person and mother of course it's hard. But you have the strength

Why on earth would she report the hotel when she actually wanted the information?

That is your stupid advice?

No never ever

That was no accident. It was a calculated act to emotionally abuse you both.

I thought that may be the case also

It's because he thinks he owns you and your daughter, you are his property do what he wants with.

Basically he has just beaten you up and he's kicking you whilst on the floor, instead of helping you up and being remorseful, apologetic and disgusted with himself, he is doubling down to make sure you can't get up off the floor.

And the reason he is doing this is so you do not stand back up just yet, he doesn't want you revealing or stopping his bad behaviour, asking for help or feeling like a human being who expects some sort of love from the closest person to her.

It's very fucked up, he's disabling you, making you fear him further, this is an alien feeling for you and he is scaring you, to be abused further on top of what you have endured. He's controlling you with fear, the more you disagree with his behaviour the worst he will get. This is intentional and well thought out.

If you are terrified of his responses then you will get stuck to the spot unable to make decisions and choices such as filing for divorce, enforcing police help, telling families and wrecking his reputation.

He wants you down unable to get up.

He's trying to break you.

The type of man that behaves like this is someone who eventually you will wish you had never met, covert narc comes to mind, hiding behing a false mask until enevitable D Days happen.

All this is not as simple as it seems, this man has some very twisted values, your poor daughter must be distraught, protect her, he's hurting you and hurting her just to get you back in line.
He's as fucked up as they come.

Thanks so much for this post it really hit home

Only if I'd lost my mind, and fory daughter's sake, I couldn't.

We're usually good at looking after the interest of others, so if you can't believe you deserve better, think of your daughter. She does need to be emotionally manipulated amd abused by this emotionally and sexually incontinent specimen, who thinks not of dragging her into his toxic mess. Remember the horribly anxious and miserable state he put her in when he called to tell her he'd kill himself...

That’s what I’m trying to do :/(

I know I am making the right decision not taking him back

You are. It is hard, but remain steadfast 💪🏾.

Wishing you strength and I hope you have some trusted friends or family supporting you. If not, we're here for virtual support 💐.

Thank you

Why do I think If I take him back all this pain will go away

Because for a long time, your mood depended on his mood.

Now you have no framework for your feelings to go by.

Before, you were on a rollercoaster, life full of ups and downs but a framework (watching his moods and dependent on his actions) to go by. But now you've stepped off, it's going to take some time for your body to readjust. It'll feel weird. Disorientating.

You're off the rollercoaster but you don't know how to move now because you're so used to your world being such a drama.

You spent lots of your time around him having to be very attuned to what he wanted and how to placate him. For survival.

Now you're free but it's bound to be scary because now you have to learn that a. You are safe. B. Life isn't a rollercoaster anymore and c. You are in charge of your own feelings, needs, desires and possibilities.

A bird that was trapped for years in a cage, will take time to readjust to freedom and learn to depend on itself.