In a bad way :-(

[GreyCat344]

Hi all last month I found out my husband of over 12 years has been cheating on me with someone from work, I found hotel booking receipts and calls to her the same evening (the evening that he told me he was running late from work) he fully denied that he had slept with her and that he couldn't go through with it and he left, he said it was because I had been horrible lately and someone just showed him a bit of Attention but nothing more, he was absolutely adamant that nothing happened. I tried to believe him but something wasn't right, he swore on his fathers grave and his daughters life, I then called the hotel only to find out he had not only checked in once but twice! He lied again and said He did check in but did not go to the rooms and the other time he checked in it was because he was thinking of leaving me but again didn't go through with it. He said he didn't tell me about the other booking as he didn't want to hurt me. But again full on denied meeting this girl. All this was whilst he was meant to be working I found txts to his work mate asking if he could leave early! After this I asked him to leave where he went to a hotel and called me and my daughter over 20 times stating he was going to kill himself. He called me all the names under the sun and told my daughter that I am the reason for his death, she was absolutely distraught. He ended up being arrested. He returned home and was still denying it all stating it's all in my head only to find him txting her again. When I seen the txts he made out I was seeing things but before I could read them he strangled me and dived on me, I had to have him arrested and was put on bail for 2 weeks. The girl involved has also denied seeing him however they have been caught together during his time on bale all the while he was txting our 10 year old daughter promising he has never seen another girl and that he was going to fix things. He has since abused me and called me vile horrible names to my daughter and said I have caused all this and ruined all our lives just over a few txt messages and I need help I am a psycho etc. I am off work with all the stress and trauma however he says ‘get back to work instead of stewing making up more stories around the house if you can’t drop it then get help, I haven’t done anything.’ after all the things he has done and traumatised me and my daughter why the hell am I so upset and distraught about leaving him! I am really in a bad way! He is still completely denying it even after I caught him on the ring camera talking to her, he said it wasn’t her. So many lies. It's been 4 weeks and I can't seem to function. I feel sick to my stomach about the fact of him with this other girl who is 15 years younger than him 😢 I feel I’m distraught and suffering and he is out there swanning around without a care in the world with this girl 😞

I don't believe the hotel would have given out the information in the op.

Wether he is or isn't seeing another women is irrelevant he's physically assaulted you and emotionally abused your daughter amongst other things.
It's normal to grieve the end of a marriage no matter how toxic it has become but do what needs to be done for your daughter, would you want her future relationships to be like yours? What would you say to her if it was?
Children need examples of healthy relationships to forge their own healthy relationships. They also need examples of how to appropriately handle relationships that become unhealthy.
Focus on you and your daughter and moving forward as a much happier single parent you've got this and are stronger than you think.

I didn’t either but they did

You've been traumatized by this monster, OP. It's normal to feel as you do.
Just remember that the pain is finite as long as he is out of your life. After what he did to your daughter it shouldn't be hard to get an order of protection to keep him from contacting her as well as yourself.
He must absolutely not get visitation alone with her. Try to concentrate on protecting her. Both of you should be going no contact with him forever. Block him on all fronts.
You owe this fucker nothing, so do not give in to his manipulations. You will heal, but not with him continuing to torture you.

Thanks so much

really struggling today :-(

Do something to relax and soothe yourself, love. You could try a long, hot bath, preferably with epsom salts if you have them.
Or a walk in nature can help if that's available.
Some people swear by yoga and/or meditation.
There are tools you can use to help yourself recover. Even watching something escapist on television can help because it's distracting. ❤️

The fff

This is going to be heart wrenching for you, you sound broken and this man has done this.

His anger through you finding out, indicates two things, that he wants to keep you and the status quo but have his side piece. You may also think that this man may up until now been faithful and is fiercely ashamed, that's what thoughts you may have but as you go through this awful journey you may see he has always been a decietful bastard, it's just you wern't looking for it.

His blatent denial of the facts shows us that this man thinks he is omnipitant, that he can tell you black is white and you have to bow to his explanations.

This man is highly abusive, and I mean highly, an evil fucker would be another term, do not underestimate how dangerous this person is. I'm sorry to scare you but many of us have experiencd this kind of man and I wouldn't be surprised if everyone thinks he's the kindest soul outside of your relationship, including your daughter.
It is important for her not to be in the company of him, he will turn her against you, it's part of his nature, he has to win, through violence, through intimidation, through hate (and he does hate you now because you know the truth) through deception, gaslighting, lies and the enivitable smear campaign that will come your way.

You will one day understand how awful this man always was but that's going to take time for you to accept. Please try not to be scared of this alien feeling of being utterly devastated that you are living with someone you don't know. Understand that this man is not capable of love, love with anyone and that includes any new squeeze he has. He's a nasty fool who will realise that no matter how he feels at the moment it's not going to last and there will be no return for him, no more cozy rooms with you and his daughter, that has been destroyed and the irony is he will blame you for that too. One day you are going to realise how controlled you have been, this man must have always had a nasty nature.
I wish you all the strength in the world to become stronger.

He's a toxic bastard who is willing to destroy his daughter along with his wife.

Do not trust him for one second and nothing which comes out of his mouth.
If you can take medication see your Gp.

Mornings are so hard would you consider giving someone a second chance if he did this?

Please don’t, he physically attacked you, he could kill you next time. He will continue with this affair if you take him back.
sorry you are feeling so low x

Have you take your dds phone away?

Absolutely disgusting thing for a father to do to a child, that will have significant emotional damage.

He is a master manipulator and gaslighter and you’ll have nothing but unhappiness and spiralling mental healthier if you stay with him.

These men double down and use violence and threaten suicide when they’ve lost control in order to get what they want. Surely when he was arrested for beating you he was ordered to stay away?

Just block him, change the locks, completely grey rock him. He’s scum.

Believe it. Believe your own eyes. Strength comes from being grounded in reality.

Your dh has been able to manage a false self for years but he essentially crumbled when unmasked. The man you thought you knew never existed. That was just a front he maintained.

NO.

And if you do youre really letting both yourself and your dd down.

Look up trauma bond. You feel like you can’t live without him bc he’s been abusing you for years and making you feel worthless.

Did what?

Cheated on you? Lied to you? Got arrested? Strangled you? Told you and your DD he was going to kill himself and it would be your fault? Called you vile names to your DD?

Um, no. No I wouldn't.

OP, with kindness, you are not thinking straight. This is an abusive, dangerous, manipulative person.

You need to stay well, well away before he ends up killing you. Sorry to be blunt but if he has already strangled you, he obviously is capable.

Yes I’ve blocked him on her phone we haven’t heard anything since Christmas Day where he accidentally sent my daughter pictures of the young girl he has been seeing that upset her even though he promised us he had never met her and lied again

OK so being lonely sucks, in the same way that being hungry sucks. But when I'm hungry, its OK. Its just a feeling. I can sit with it. Rather than say, eat a pile of junk food until I'm sick.

You need to learn to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Because they are a part of life. And you have to have self control. Being lonely in the mornings is not going to kill you. In the same way that being tired or cold won't. And you don't set yourself on fire because you're cold.

Join some meetup groups. Take your daughter out for a walk. Or do zomwthing to distract yourself from yourself. Learn to knit or buy a console and take up gaming or something.

Occasional lonliness is not a big deal.
It's normal. Why do you need to instantly fix it? Instead of managing your emotions by doing other things until you can fix things in a healthy way.

I don't get into bed with a poisonous snake because I want some company.
You need to pull yourself out of the woe-is-me spiral.

And never look for source of your pain to cure your pain. Knives don't mend wounds they only cause them.

No

No. Never. Not in a million years.

You are strong, you can do this.

Do you have friends or family you can talk to IRL?

Yes I’m lucky I have family and friends but still struggling how I’ve just been left like this without any closure and he’s not giving a shit it’s so cruel after all these years

There is no point in this back and forth trying to get him to admit to what he did. That is never going to happen because of the kind of man he is, to the point where he is physically violent when it becomes obvious he is a cheater. Stop focusing on him, and focus on yourself and more importantly on your child. Either make up your mind you are staying with him knowing this behaviour is going to continue forever (because what incentive is there to change when he gets what he wants on the side and you at home too) with your child stuck in the middle of it or you are going to move on

He’s acting like this because he has been CAUGHT and instead of being a man and owning the bad behaviour he is twisting all around in you !!
This man does not love u !
If he loved u he would admit what he has done and apologise but he is a coward !!!
Get rid of him because you love your daughter do it for her ❤️

I hope I start feeling better soon 😞

Agree with this brilliant post!

Please don’t hate yourself for how you are feeling! I’ve been there, it’s absolutely horrible, and I completely understand how you are feeling. Despite how awful they may have treated you, they and the relationship are still what’s familiar and so it can seem terribly frightening when it ends and trying to figure out where your life goes from here and how to cope. When a relationship ends in such an unexpected and awful way, I don’t think there is any right or wrong way in how you react - it’s personal to you, it’s unknown territory and it’s genuinely a worry dealing with it all. I hated that mine ended due to his infidelity, and the emotional and physical abuse that followed, that despite making him leave, I felt so alone and lost that I actually felt like I wanted him home just to feel ‘normal’ - I knew deep down I could never take him back (also, similar but less dramatic scenes from him via our children too) and I knew in my heart that this relationship had been too toxic too long and ending was best for everyone.
please stay strong in your resolve. It won’t be easy, but in a couple of months you will be relieved it’s over, and start settling in to your own new healthier life.
if he’s anything like my ex, he will continue to try and make your life difficult for a long time yet, but please remember you are better off out of this relationship, your daughter is too. Lots of love