In a bad way :-(

[GreyCat344]

Hi all last month I found out my husband of over 12 years has been cheating on me with someone from work, I found hotel booking receipts and calls to her the same evening (the evening that he told me he was running late from work) he fully denied that he had slept with her and that he couldn't go through with it and he left, he said it was because I had been horrible lately and someone just showed him a bit of Attention but nothing more, he was absolutely adamant that nothing happened. I tried to believe him but something wasn't right, he swore on his fathers grave and his daughters life, I then called the hotel only to find out he had not only checked in once but twice! He lied again and said He did check in but did not go to the rooms and the other time he checked in it was because he was thinking of leaving me but again didn't go through with it. He said he didn't tell me about the other booking as he didn't want to hurt me. But again full on denied meeting this girl. All this was whilst he was meant to be working I found txts to his work mate asking if he could leave early! After this I asked him to leave where he went to a hotel and called me and my daughter over 20 times stating he was going to kill himself. He called me all the names under the sun and told my daughter that I am the reason for his death, she was absolutely distraught. He ended up being arrested. He returned home and was still denying it all stating it's all in my head only to find him txting her again. When I seen the txts he made out I was seeing things but before I could read them he strangled me and dived on me, I had to have him arrested and was put on bail for 2 weeks. The girl involved has also denied seeing him however they have been caught together during his time on bale all the while he was txting our 10 year old daughter promising he has never seen another girl and that he was going to fix things. He has since abused me and called me vile horrible names to my daughter and said I have caused all this and ruined all our lives just over a few txt messages and I need help I am a psycho etc. I am off work with all the stress and trauma however he says ‘get back to work instead of stewing making up more stories around the house if you can’t drop it then get help, I haven’t done anything.’ after all the things he has done and traumatised me and my daughter why the hell am I so upset and distraught about leaving him! I am really in a bad way! He is still completely denying it even after I caught him on the ring camera talking to her, he said it wasn’t her. So many lies. It's been 4 weeks and I can't seem to function. I feel sick to my stomach about the fact of him with this other girl who is 15 years younger than him 😢 I feel I’m distraught and suffering and he is out there swanning around without a care in the world with this girl 😞

Love this ❤️

I think @GreyCat344 is very lucky to have @Pinkbonbon on this thread. Listen to her and you won’t look back. One year from now you will be updating us on how happy you are without him.
Nothing to add to the brilliant words that have come before mine x

This is spot on.

Op please don't allow him to contact your daughter right now. She is 10, and doesn't need to be made aware of any of this. She obviously already knows what's happened up until now, but she can't be involved in anymore of the drama, as it will massively affect her emotional state and well being long term. She needs stability and support, as you do too. I would personally block her fathers number from her phone as its not healthy for him to be discussing any of this with her. She's a 10 year old, and shouldn't be uses as his personal sounding board. Gently explain to her that her dad is unable to speak to either of you right now, as he's being unkind and is causing extra upset, but remind her that you are always there for her and she can speak to you whenever she wants to.
Life is probably feeling pretty awful right now, but it will get better, and making your daughter's mental health a priority will help both of you move on from this, and hopefully create a happy, non toxic environment for your future.

Thanks so much it’s just so very hard I just keep thinking I can’t believe this has happened and still in shock

What a despicable man. He cheats on you and then dares to attack you.

If it were me, divorce proceedings would start; I would be taking his money and anchoring myself to his finances to ensure I can look after my child.

Try to practice grounding yourself. Disbelief in the reality of this situation is, in its own way, a kind of dissociation. When you start to feel confused, wondering, shicky, disbelieving, or ruminating on his motives or his situation stop and try:

Going for a walk
jumping up and down
sticking your face in the freezer/out the window for a blast of cold air
stick your firearms in ice water
take an orange and roll it between your hands snd smell the skin

Basically try any grounding techniques that work to bring you back into your body, your time, your reality

STOP!
sit down.close eyes.big deep breath in -hold n blow it out.3 times minimum.(ANY time you feel the surge).
You are absolutely understandably...reacting. who wouldnt...
NOBODY gets to treat you or your dd like this.EVER.
EVER.
whilst he is cleary mr steal the moment-spotlight hugger...and none of its what you that was...happening....or ever mibee want to happen it is(breathe)
doesnt need to make sense...Hes calling all the shots/king cunt of cunty people and NOBODY gets to treat yoou\daughter this way.
BLOCK him.
you need support-doesnt need to kick your head in,he is emotionally abus0e you and kid,call womans aid. Cut all cntact with him,wa will advise you/knw/help deal with lawyers/protecting your child from that shite....hes -a lost cause...but really..fuck him.deny him ALL access to you ...
YOU are stronger than you ever EVER think you are.
Hes blew it.
you do you,protect nurture you and your girl.

Yeah this makes me not buy any of the rest of it

Because you miss the man you thought he was for 17 years. But that is an illusion. It takes your brain a long time to adjust and it keeps looking for the non-existent husband to take care of you. So you need to give yourself time to update the profile of who he truly is. That is the order that grief usually follows - first disbelief / then trying to fix / then anger and finally, acceptance.

As a stranger reading your account, I think your husband sounds absolutely horrible. Of particular disgust is the way he used your daughter as a weapon. Poor girl. A father should protect her first and foremost. That would totally finish it for me.

@GreyCat344 i am one that believes in trying to save a marriage, yes even with cheating because I believe no one is perfect. But I advice you to leave this man!. Not only did he cheat, he kept on talking to her after being caught and then strangled you after you found out!!!. He is crazy and evil!. Please never take this man back. He may end up killing you as he cannot control himself. Things are extremely hard and painful now but it can only get better. If you take him back, it will end up terrible. You will get through this💝

Thank you all it’s so very hard

So very depressed tonight wish all this was over 😞

I’m sorry GreyCat, it can genuinely feel so hard. If I’m honest, I think it took about 3 months before I felt more settled. The early days were horrendous, I went to work, cleaned the house, looked after children on autopilot for about a month, then Christmas came and I was an absolute mess, could not see how I would get through it. But I did, same as others, and same as you will. Once you’ve felt your worst, you can only start feeling better.
things will get easier, but it can take time, there’s no rules or guidelines to follow.
I found by the February with spring starting to show I felt more positive and started to make myself do things, get out of the house for walks etc, taking the kids out even if just to the park on their scooters and a cafe stop afterwards. That became our routine for a while and it was nice to have something that became familiar and a new normal for me and them as just the 3 of us.

i won’t sugar coat it, still had plenty of rough times, the ex would play up every so often and it’s hard going. But I’m honestly so grateful it all happened. We are much happier now and I can see how badly we were treated, and that wouldn’t have stopped if I’d taken him back.

you know deep down this is the right choice, but it still hurts, it still can feel scary and lonely, but you will get there in time. You’re doing what’s best for you and your daughter and that can only be a good thing

@GreyCat344 you get through each day by focusing on small acts of self-care, each time being conscious that that is what they are.

So, if you're struggling to eat, then make sure you have 3 light but nutritious meals each day. The thought for each of these is, "I know I don't feel like eating but this will help me feel better and nourish my body and mind. This will give me strength to deal with things"

If you're struggling with personal care, then its, "I'm going to shower & apply moisturiser because it helps to ground me and make me feel safe"

Visualise the fact that what you're doing now is taking care of yourself gently and thoroughly so that you put yourself back together and build yourself back up. With each act of self-care, you give yourself strength and help yourself heal. Moving on and feeling better emotionally will follow. Accept that it takes time but recognise all the little things you do which help to heal and reclaim your independence.

It will get easier xx