Best friend making me feel guilty that she’s had an awful Christmas

[Whyseverythingsocomplicated]

I spoke to my best friend yesterday and she told me how rubbish her Christmas has been. She’s a single parent, no involvement from dad and has got two children with behaviour issues age 15 and 12, older one being autistic. Her family don’t bother with her. She said nobody’s bothered with them at all and they’ve all been really upset. We never normally meet up over Christmas but she did want to come round mine new year (I’ve posted about that too) but I don’t want the bad behaviour in my house as it leads to things being damaged and I’ve just redecorated. I myself am a single parent but have support off my ex and unfortunately have lost all my family to cancer but I have been lucky as I’ve seen other friends over the Christmas period. I feel like she resents that and not once asked me if I’d had a good Christmas knowing full well it can be difficult for me too. I said to her we can meet up next week and go out with the kids but she seems disinterested. She has made me feel so guilty and awful like I’ve failed her as a friend and I’m not sure how to handle any of this to be honest.

Listen and sympathise, like @TheAzureBiscuit says.

I remember your other post.

other peoples happiness is not your responsibility.

Tricky for you but you don’t have to do what she wants to make her feel better. If you are offering to meet then you don’t need to feel guilty at all.

but she did want to come round mine new year

You don’t just invite yourself and kids round to someone else’s house for new year! If she’s free and you want to see them, she can invite you to hers.

Otherwise, I would listen, sympathise and not feel guilty-her Christmas isn’t your responsibility.

Well I feel sad for her, but you have invited her out. She needs to be a bit proactive too. Maybe see if you can gee her into going to a nice spot for a walk and a bite to eat to cheer her up?

@MontyNojangles why would you invite people into your house who you know will trash it?

OP is not responsible for the woman.

I'm not sure she's trying to make you feel guilty tbh. She's probably just venting and wondered if you might spend some time together over new year, to which you said no - that's fine too, and you've suggested another option. She sounds sad and lonely, but that's not your problem to solve.

It sounds like you are both very emotionally enmeshed. You feel responsible for her emotional state and she feels that you are responsible for her emotional state. That is not healthy. Just pull back from the relationship because it needs some distance until that resets.

Utter rubbish.
Ignore that post OP.

There is no way anyone however sad their circumstance would get invited in to my home if it was going to get damaged. Don’t get guilt tripped by anyone on this forum. Be sympathetic to her, you are as you are listening.

Yes this.

I don’t agree with this.

Nope, not this.
Ignore this one too OP.

She will get over it once we’re all back to normality.

Agree with this. Would her children really trash your new decoration? It's very hard having neurodivergent children and being ostracised for it. You're not a great friend, sorry.

I read your other post, she’s a cf
also it’s her job to make her kids Christmas happy, not your job to make her happy so she doesn’t sulk and have them all sad over Christmas.

it sounds like she’s venting about her shit Christmas a bit and slightly putting pressure and blame on you which is out of order, but your reaction is also way too intense. I don’t mean that rudely but for the small amount she’s pressured you, you’ve really pressured and beat yourself up more. I think you need to take a slight step back from this friendship and just have a think about the dynamic and what is healthy going forward

What a lot of shit. Are you the friend?

Another one to ignore OP.

She should realise why she doesn't have many friends. Unfortunately it seems like you feel guilty and may be in a co-dependent relationship with her yourself. If so this isn't helping either of you.

Also, it may have been better to only continue your last post as you now have two threads discussing this recent conversation and in this one you're inevitably now getting opinions from people who don't understand the situation you previously described in your other thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5232505-best-friends-kids-disrespect-my-house

Eh?
Why should OP let folk damage her stuff? The friend could invite OP over instead of asking to go to OPs house.
I'd happily spend time with a ND child, but I wouldn't happily let them damage my possessions.