Best friend making me feel guilty that she’s had an awful Christmas

[Whyseverythingsocomplicated]

I spoke to my best friend yesterday and she told me how rubbish her Christmas has been. She’s a single parent, no involvement from dad and has got two children with behaviour issues age 15 and 12, older one being autistic. Her family don’t bother with her. She said nobody’s bothered with them at all and they’ve all been really upset. We never normally meet up over Christmas but she did want to come round mine new year (I’ve posted about that too) but I don’t want the bad behaviour in my house as it leads to things being damaged and I’ve just redecorated. I myself am a single parent but have support off my ex and unfortunately have lost all my family to cancer but I have been lucky as I’ve seen other friends over the Christmas period. I feel like she resents that and not once asked me if I’d had a good Christmas knowing full well it can be difficult for me too. I said to her we can meet up next week and go out with the kids but she seems disinterested. She has made me feel so guilty and awful like I’ve failed her as a friend and I’m not sure how to handle any of this to be honest.

I presume the answer to this is yes, otherwise the OP wouldn’t be saying it 🙄

Exactly.

"the woman" ??!!
She's OP's best friend!
@Whyseverythingsocomplicated I didn't think you were being unreasonable when I read your OP, but I am struck by the disrespectful way that so many posters are talking about your friend.

@TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged
Eh?
Ok, OP is not responsible for her mate. (who is a woman. Why do you think it's 'disprespectful' to refer to someone by their sex?)

I wonder if she was just venting rather than trying to guilt trip you.

I think this.
I also wonder why she didn't invite OP to her house?

If her kids persistently damage your house then they can't come round. And that's from a mother of a ND child.

ND doesn't mean you can trash people's stuff "because ND" and if she was any kind of parent she wouldn't be expecting you to find that an acceptable situation. Acceptable situations, one of which you have offered, are meeting up at hers, meeting up outside somewhere, meeting up at another venue. But that's not good enough for her, so now you're a shit friend.

No. She's a shit friend. Rather than take any responsibility for her own life, she is a passenger that life happens too. That way it's your fault for not making her Christmas better rather than her taking any accountability for herself. People like this don't change and I'd be making a new year's resolution to see far less of this person. She will zap you of energy and bring you down, and if you try and keep healthy boundaries she will sulk and guilt trip. That's not what friends do.

We never normally meet up over Christmas but she did want to come round mine new year (I’ve posted about that too) but I don’t want the bad behaviour in my house as it leads to things being damaged and I’ve just redecorated

How do you know? Did she just suddenly say, ‘me and the kids want to come to yours for New Year’s Eve?’

Isn’t that rather odd? What did you reply?

I’ve always done things with her and the kids together but we always tend to mainly go out. However her 12 year old has full on tantrums, talks inappropriately around my kids, has come round my house and repeatedly bashed toys on my son’s furniture, thrown them repeatedly down my stairs I’m talking buzz light year size toys. She tells him off but he doesn’t listen. I think he’s got either serious behaviour problems from all the bad things he’s been through or he’s got an underlying condition that hasn’t been diagnosed (my friend thinks this too). Last time he came he was mooching in every room and painted buzz light year and put paint all over my son’s carpet. Yes my friend has got it really hard and I’m constantly supporting her and on the phone for hours at a time listening to her. I also see her without the kids too. But this time after decorating and redoing the whole of my son’s room I’ve decided to draw the line at inviting them over as I’m sorry but I don’t want it getting damaged and I feel I need to protect my kids too from the appropriate behaviour and conversation. I saw her Christmas Eve briefly as she had been ill the 3 days leading up to it and I obviously didn’t want to catch anything.

She said shall we get together New Year’s Eve and have a little party. I initially said I’d find out if the kids were with me or their dad. But whenever she suggests a get together she says her house is too small so shall we come to you which I absolutely wouldn’t mind if her kids behaved. Also her kids don’t go anywhere (to other peoples houses) so that’s another reason she wants to get out of her house and come to mine.

Some people will call you a shit friend when you stop being a doormat.
After escaping a bad situation I'm really protective of my home, my stuff and my kids, and I just don't invite people in to my castle until I can trust they'll respect it.
You've offered to meet her elsewhere, that doesn't make you a shit friend.

Does she just moan at you, or does she actually take steps to try to improve her situation?

But whenever she suggests a get together she says her house is too small so shall we come to you

‘I don’t really want to host a party-things end up getting damaged. Let’s take the kids to the park/Toby Carvery/soft play for a few hours one day instead’.

Yeah you've got into a really unhealthy dynamic that her problems are yours to fix, or you're the villain. And you both think that.

You need to get rid of this friend. I can't stress this enough. I had the exact carbon copy, for 9yrs. This year it's been 3yrs since I stopped responding to her. And so much negativity has left my life, more than I ever realised she was bringing. It was rubbing off on me without me noticing.

Also her kids don’t go anywhere (to other peoples houses) so that’s another reason she wants to get out of her house and come to mine.

You mean no one else allows the unacceptable behaviour.

Now tell me why you should?

You are not responsible for your friend's happiness, and you are not to blame for her situation.

She must have it tough, especially with a volatile ND child, but that doesn't mean you are obliged to put up with them ruining stuff in your home.

I feel like all she does is moan but that’s what friends are for. She realises this as well as after every 2 hour conversation we have at the end she always says sorry for moaning. But it’s ok she’s had more than her fair share to deal with . However when ranting last night she said it’s time to take control of her life and make things change so hopefully something positive will come out of this all.

Tell her you will meet up at her house even if it's small because in the past her kids have caused damage in your house and it puts you on edge and you can't relax.

People who cause damage are not welcome in my home.

People don't have to have their homes damaged by someone else's children, it doesn't matter if they are neurodivergent or not. Stop being so entitled, if you have children they are your responsibility, not the rest of the worlds. OP is happy to see her friend in the friend's home or out. But why should she deal with damage in her own home. I wouldn't.

I feel like all she does is moan but that’s what friends are for

No. No it's not. Friends are there to listen, support, share, comfort, laugh, learn, discover, help, educate, mourn, and so many things as you walk through life together.

Just moaning is not being a friend. Let me guess, it's like groundhog day. "I've got no money. I can't get a decent job. My life sucks. Why can't I find a man. I'll never find a man. My life is so hard. My kids are so hard. You're so lucky "

Spot on, by any chance?

It's disrespectful to refer to someone's best friend as "the woman" when in conversation with them. Likewise, "the person" would be disrespectful. It's not because "woman" is a sexed term, it's because it's impersonal.
As the kids say, HTH.

It will probably by A Maigret Christmas by George Simenon

Have had the 'flu but finally have got enough concentration back for reading.

I am not in conversation with someone. I am typing. 😄
HTH

Friendship is meant to go both ways. I learnt this the hard way always being the support but it only being a one sided deal. I now choose not to have 'friends' that are energy vampires, or one sided relationships.

Thank you.

As a mother of an ND child, my biggest bug bear is being misrepresented by a small group of people who think ND is a green light for any behaviour no matter how appalling, and how dare you not allow this appalling behaviour.

Just because my kid can't help damaging stuff doesn't mean I'm an entitled arse who blames the victim of the damage for ostracizing me, if they won't let my child throw more paint over their carpet. Guess what, if your child can't help damaging people's homes then you don't go to their home. Not "ohhhh my poor Johnny being ostracized."

This kind of attitude does the rest of us a massive disservice. So thank you for calling it out.

You’re a soft touch. You need to toughen up & stop giving so much of yourself emotionally. You’ve got a really unhealthy dynamic with her.

Er no.

We are all entitled to an opinion whether we disagree or not with op.

Off you pop.