It will happen when you least expect it/ stop looking

[AngelsCake]

What’s people’s thoughts on this? I hear it a lot but Mr right is obviously not going to knock on my door! What do people mean by this? Most people meet online these days so must be actively looking?

I spent 5 years happily single met no men at all.

Hmm, I can’t really argue with it given it is what happened to me, lol. Met my partner through mutual friends - was relaxed, happy single after a hideous marriage and divorce, wasn’t looking at all.

Another PP said it - I believe the correct phase should be “it will happen when you least expect it” but you should be making some steps - even if it’s regularly meeting up with friends or a guy friend that’s also single.

It’s a game of chance surely?

The two “loves of my life” I met in bars when I most DEFINITELY wasn’t looking for a man - the first I was out supporting a friend in a shitty relationship and really hadn’t wanted to go out at all as I was in the midst of a depression. I felt like shit, had put on weight and felt very self conscious. Walked into a bar and by our second drink had a group of men talking to us one of whom I felt an instant connection to even though he wasn’t my type at all. Ended up falling madly in love with him and having a very intense 3 month relationship although ultimately it didn’t work out.
Second Id just got out of a crap relationship with someone who was more like a friend and just wanted to be single and have fun. He was out with mates and came over and started chatting to me and my friend - I wasn’t sure if I liked him at all but he made me laugh, I was pretty drunk and couldn’t really remember much about him the next day but he sent me a nice message so I went on a date with him. Met him and sparks flew - together 20 years now.

Ive had other relationships and ONS but I don’t consider those of any significance as I wasn’t “in love”.

Neither man I fell madly in love with would be my dream man on paper but I ended up head over heels.

But you also said your social opportunities were "non existent"? You do have to go out to actually meet people even if your goal isnt solely to find a partner! That would be the same with making friends.

Nothing wrong with online dating - try it if you want but just be aware that online dating can be a complete cesspool of shit too. It's about balance isnt it? Do what's right for you.

Also, just because you didnt meet someone in 5 years doesnt mean it's physically impossible at some point in the future. Life doesnt work like that- things can happen at any time.

I always think it's more than you can come across more intense when it's something you're actively looking for which can drive people away. Often when dating as well it's natural to feel nervous and feel like you need to be x, y, z which means even if you do date someone it's not always someone suited because you haven't been comfortable being yourself. When you're just being yourself, enjoying life, getting on with curating interests/hobbies and a social life outside of dating that brings out a lot of appealing qualities. Obviously though you'd need to be out and about, meeting people or networking for this to happen!

And I’d be waiting forever if I just carried on hoping it will happen one day? I have children, normal to not have a social life 😂

I tried actively finding someone and online dating/apps for three and a half years. Didnt meet a single decent man- just a series of idiots, liars and players.

Met DH randomly when I least expected it.

So, I wouldnt say there is any "guarantee" of meeting someone when actively trying either!

Ok- so try online dating then! noone is stopping you. I wouldnt be so hung up about someone's random comment - who gives a fck what they think?

I hear you. I had 2 very young children (3 & 5) when I met DP. I was out on a rare hen night. I was very, very happy with my 2 littlies on my own; he had come out of a rotten marriage & it was his first night in a new flat, wandered out for a pint, absolutely not looking for anything. Here we are 14+ years later. It does happen.

Well that’s how I will need to meet someone.. online. Unless I wait for the universe to send me a man.

Well, you might as well try all avenues available to you and if online is the most convenient then go for it.

All power to you.

I say this and I do subscribe to it. I think with online dating you're meeting with a view to deciding if you want to meet again, and it's easy to either be on best behavior or be put off by silly little things. When instead you focus on just widening your circle to meet new FRIENDS, then you increase the chances that they might introduce you to their friends so your pool of single people you know naturally widens. Also friendships have the chance to blossom into relationships from people you might have not swiped online because they're not your usual 'type'. You're also happier and fulfilled without a man so you come across as not 'desperate' for want of a better word, and that's quite an attractive quality in a prospective partner for many people.

I've never used Online dating, I met DH through a shared sport. The first time we met I was in no make up, a hot sweaty mess having just competed. Our sport brought us together, we already had that in common and by the time he asked me on a date we already knew we got on and were compatible.

I kind of agree, I’ve been asked out by men I’ve met when I’m with DM. She was aged between 74 and 81.

I’m happily married, not looking. DM is very chatty so it was through acquaintances.

When I was single and open to a relationship it never happened that way though. Met people through hobbies, walking the dog, or nights out.
If I became single now (46) I wouldn’t bother with dating sites- not going by experiences my friends have had. It has worked for male friends, but my female friends have had an awful time on it.

Obviously you have to put yourself into situations where you will meet people, but I think it's not being overly fixated on finding someone just to be in a relationship. Be open to different people (core values are more important than a certain physical type) and be yourself.

Too many women worry about how to get men to like them, rather than assessing whether the man is actually a good match. Sure, you could pretend to be interested in his hobbies/tweak aspects of your personality to get a second date, but you most likely won't be happy in the long run. You won't find Mr. Right if you are busy trying to convince Mr. Wrong to pay attention to you. You need to stay single long enough to find the right person.

I think you need to be in a place where you're happy and whole on your own before you can form a lasting healthy relationship. So in a sense it happens when you're not looking.

Might as well say fingers crossed you might but you might not meet somebody.

I was happy on my own for 5 years and nothing, yes I could wait another 5 years but not getting any younger 🤭 think it’s just luck sometimes as well.

Well, not sure if this is reassuring or not, but I have been single for twelve years, also a single parent for that time. I was asked out about six weeks ago by someone who had known me vaguely for the last ten years, and decided to take a chance. I decided to say yes as he seemed nice enough what I knew of him.
Far too early to say one way or the other what will happen but he seems lovely so far and not at all pushy, happy to go with what works for me etc, which I think is important when you are single with DC. I genuinely do think you need to be a bit careful when you are a single parent not to attract entitled types who think you will roll out the red carpet just so you are not single. Genuinely enjoy being yourself with DC and having your own life. I was not looking to meet someone at all and I would rather be single than with someone who trampled over my boundaries (been there, done that).

If he had written a profile and I had written a profile both of us would have swiped No not for me.

Still would in theory!

Sounds like one of those 'Law of Attraction' things, Dream, Believe Achieve.

Even if I do that every day and 'manifest' it's unlikely I'll meet someone. I'm a solo parent, don't have a social life, never get chatting to any eligible men in supermarkets! Yes maybe by putting yourself out there, if able to, meeting Mr or Ms right is more likely to happen. I did meet my previous DP in a bar, this was pre-OLD though.

On occasion I might get messaged on social media, not by anyone I'd be interested in, for example at a different life stage than me. I live in hope!

I think statistically it's not mostly online that couples meet, just one of the ways these days. See https://yougov.co.uk/topics/society/trackers/how-brits-meet-their-partners

@RogueFemale Yep- you're right. Everyone thinks online dating is how everyone meets now but its not the case.

These are US stats as a comparison:

"First, let’s be clear: only about 10% of people in committed relationships or marriages met their partner on a dating site or app, according to the Pew Research Center in 2023. Online dating companies don’t release data on how many people find relationships through their services, presumably because such data would not reflect favourably on their success rate"

I gave up looking years ago. I've been out there, living life, having fun. Zero interest from the opposite sex. I'm ok with that as I've resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life! But it definitely is not the way to find someone.

OLD is dire, but at least you're giving yourself a chance. My last relationship came from OLD. Lasted 3 years. Without that, I'd have been single a lot longer! (I'd been single for 6 years before him, other than the odd date, also from OLD). I feel some sadness it didn't last but I (mostly) enjoyed it at the time and don't regret it. But in my head I knew it was my last "go" at it and I wasn't going to try again if it didn't work.

I spent my 20's single and not looking and finally had to push myself in my 30's because they weren't going to come knock on my front door , so I joined online dating went through all the shit dates and weirdos and some nice guys as well eventually met my now DP but you have to out the effort in honestly it's hard work . One bit of advice if your doing online dating don't talk online too long literally talk for a day or two and arrange to meet no time wasting talking to people for ages and then they disappear, also give them a chance it was our 3rd date when we both knew we liked each other had talked and gotten to know each other.