It will happen when you least expect it/ stop looking

[AngelsCake]

What’s people’s thoughts on this? I hear it a lot but Mr right is obviously not going to knock on my door! What do people mean by this? Most people meet online these days so must be actively looking?

We need to make a conscious effort with opportunities to meet new people. So most of the time I don’t think it happens by chance. The majority of my friends who are settled down met someone while they were actively dating/ open to meeting someone rather than getting on with life and not thinking about it.

I would take it to mean lower your expectations, not to mean that things just fall in your lap. I tried online dating expecting it to be awful but I ended up meeting my wonderful husband.

I disagree with this. It's not a meaningless platitude. I believe it is actively misleading and damaging.

You can lose valuable time/youth if you sit back and just wile away your time as you see fit, thinking that it is the nature of life that a man will appear out of the ether sooner or later and be drawn to you, exceptions withstanding.

When I was younger, I thought "maybe there's something in it". There isn't. Prince charming is not going to come knocking on your door.

As others have said above, exceptions withstanding, like EVERYTHING else in life, you have to put in the effort and go for it: studying, exams, getting a job, planning a trip, learning a skill, finding a good flat, making a life in a new place, developing a garden, making friends, building a network, EVERYTHING.

No one ever told me that, all things being equal, you have to go out and actively look for a partner: prep yourself, seek out opportunities, take every opportunity to socialise, etc. I more or less thought that love was supposed to find you organically, that you would walk around a corner and clap eyes on and be woed by your true-love-to-be. I now know that is not how it works, exceptions withstanding.

Example: later in life, I learnt of a friend of a friend who saw the CVs of incoming graduate trainee-types (with photos too, I imagine (1990s)). She ID'd the guy (maybe a couple of guys), she fancied and thought suitable and engineered the whole thing (meeting him, accidental encounters, shared interests, etc.). They married. (Obviously, he and she came to like and love each other, but she made it possible for it to happen for them, by striking up the friendship and getting things going between them, as she secretly already knew his interests/background and could tap into that). She obviously knew that it was up to her to look for prospects and actively go for them.

I wish that my mother had told me that it was largely up to me to put in the effort and socialise/date with intent. That is not what she told me, but rather she said "it will happen when you least expect it". 🙄

Bullshit, bullshit (exceptions withstanding). You must be proactive. That's why I say it is harmful to spread this damaging idea.

I think there is some truth in it in the sense that I fully believe the best relationships stem from friendship. When people actively date because they find someone physically attractive, they change themselves in order to woo someone, they aren’t showing their true selves, and they often try to force themselves together, over looking any incompatibilities.

Whereas a relationship that develops out of friendship where nobody intends for any romantic relationship means that if the two people fall in love they have fell in love with the person authentically and organically with no pretence and whilst they weren’t looking. So i definitely think that it is true but i don’t think it literally means the man/woman of your dreams will just randomly appear in your life. You need to make the effort to meet people.

I met my partner of 20 years at a friends daughters birthday party , which is pretty random .

Had been on my own 7 years, wasn't even remotely looking, got to talking to a guy briefly at a supermarket turns out he was one of the managers. Later that day bumped into the same guy at McDonald's when went in with my kids sat at tables next to each other and 4 months later we were married and 6 years later still happily so and a bigger family now 😂 so yes it did just literally fall in my lap and now I have my best friend and a man I adore

I met my husband when I wasn’t looking and had given up. A family member had an awful breakup , tried OLD and it was a disaster. Then just decided to give up on men and found a wonderful partner at work out of the blue.

Indeed.

And the partnered people who give this advice to single women are insufferably smug.

Yea it's a rather throwaway advice isn't it? You have to be out and about to actually meet a potential partner, which requires a certain amount of proactivity.
People said it to me, but I only found my partner when I join a dating agency (online dating was in its infancy and this was more old fashioned I suppose, where every member was interviewed in person). I treated it like friends who knew a lot of single people. I had an interesting and entertaining year then met my husband through it.

I met my husband of 20 years online (we were both in our 20s). He and I were actively dating both in person and we both had our profile online. We were engaged within 2 years and had a baby a couple of years later and still going strong. Before that, I was open to dating and even went as far to ask a guy out at my workplace, which ended up being a 6 month relationship!

I don’t think it happens when you least expect, you have to put yourself out there. That’s what I did.

It’s a vibe thing usually, I think. I’ve said similar to a friend because frankly she was so hyper focused on meeting someone and getting into a relationship that her vibe at times came across as a bit desperate (for lack of a better word). Which was a great shame because she’s not usually like that and it wasn’t the best representation of her. I saw her meet men when we were out and about and could see the dynamic play out.

I don’t think it means don’t do anything at all or put yourself out there.

I did OLD and at one point I think I was probably similar in the beginning. It wasn’t until I also had other stuff going on in my life as well as OLD (took up some hobbies, just started to enjoy life as it was with the open mind that it would be nice to have someone to join my great life not the pressure of someone to ‘make’ my great life) that I met DP (online) and 9 years on we’re still happy and solid.

I did have to stop making meeting someone my sole focus though as it comes across, like it or not.

I have been doing all this for over ten years. Nope, nothing happened. 😂

It's bollocks*. You make your own luck.

I met DH online. I just had to slog away at it. It wasn't enormous fun. Then went for our first date and bam! Felt a spark. I won't say the rest is history and looking forward you never know how things are going to end up....but I definitely feel like I had to put the work in to meet him.

And I'm someone with a reasonably wide social circle and hobbies.

*Also the people who say that are never looking themselves. Good luck!

For ten years I've not been looking I'm still single it's a bullshit phrase

Theoretically everything DOES happen for a reason.

Husband cheated? Reason, he's a twat

Etc. I know that's not what people mean though.

I think what people mean is you can meet the right person anywhere, through college, uni, work, through hobbies, on the bus, in the pub, nightclubs, parties, weddings.

But I think once your past a certain point in life it becomes harder to meet people by chance.
Once people are in their 30s their friends are more settled, so they aren't going out as much, even when they are going out your aren't going to the same sort of places where you'd meet other people.

People working from home and using cars means less random opportunities too.

I think if you are out there, doing what you love to do - if you have time that is - then you will meet more people, and people of people and perhaps then things will happen.

But the absolute key is to do stuff that you love for you only. Focus on you.

Agree about making your own luck but by being out in the world actively doing things and being receptive. OLD reeks of desperation and laziness -expecting the man on your dreams to be popping into your inbox without any effort.
I have a friend who does nothing except meeet men from OLD and it is hollow and lonely life.
I have only ever met men ‘in the wild’ when happily involved in doing something rather than on the hunt for a man…

I think building your life around meeting new people purely with the intent to find a partner can be a bit narrow and limiting, and can make it strangely harder to make genuine connections. If the most interesting thing in your life is a search for a mate then you have less to offer and talk about when you meet new people and can cut off making the friendships that broaden your dating pool.

Of course not doing anything to meet new people isn't going to work but I think if there's any truth in this saying, it's that there's often value in relaxing the partner search, going out and doing things that interest you and incidentally give you the opportunity to meet lots of people in conditions where friendships are likely to develop, and may bloom into romantic connections.

I was actively avoiding relationships when I met my now XH, we were married for nearly 20 years. I still think it's bullshit.

i think a lot of the time when people say it its because they don't know what to say or they want to offer encouragement. If you have a big enough sample group statistically this advice is bound to work for some people, then they become the example of that. Unless I started up a relationship with a school dad or a dad at football or someone asked me out based on a 60 second interaction in line at the supermarket
I'd have zero chance now of not looking but still finding. For this advice to work you need to still be meeting and interacting with a lot of people, a reasonable amount of whom are looking and actually single.

And some people join meet up groups and things just to meet guys and then dump everyone else when they meet said guy. Rather narrow minded.

Untrue, I’ve been waiting 23 years, it’s a conn statement, some are luckier than others

There are people online dating for years fruitlessly. I think looking your best and going to places where mr right might be at is a good shout.

You have to go out of the house. If you work from home, have your shopping delivered and all your friends are online, then no, you don’t stand a chance of meeting a partner.

Well i’ve been single for years (bar a 3 month thing) and no, no-one came knocking! Now my kids are getting older i’ve had a few opportunities (but wasn’t interested) as i’ve started some hobbies and go to the pub a bit more with my hobby group. No-one was going to come knocking on my door when the kids were little and no-one in my office is my type (bar the 3 month fling). So no, I don’t believe this.