It will happen when you least expect it/ stop looking

[AngelsCake]

What’s people’s thoughts on this? I hear it a lot but Mr right is obviously not going to knock on my door! What do people mean by this? Most people meet online these days so must be actively looking?

I think it's a load of rubbish. Of course some people meet their partners randomly when they're not looking but that doesn't make it a thing.

I've not been actively "looking" for years and it hasn't happened for me!

I mean, your Mr Right might be a delivery guy, the postie or a neighbour or neighbour's friend but you do need to go out and be receptive to meeting someone.how will you go on dates if you dont go out? It's easier for your child to get used to you going out if it's a normal and regular thing.

It's just a pointless something people say when they can't offer anything else to comment, because the alternative is a bit of a coversation and mood killer.

(Alternative statement being that some people never meet someone special. It's not fair but then again life isn't fair 🤷🏼‍♀️)

When you are younger it’s possible. Like many people, I had a longterm relationship with someone I met as a student and lived next door to me (lots of people meet neighbours). I also went clubbing and to more parties when younger with other single people and it was culturally the way people met anyway before online dating so people actively went to clubs and pubs to meet people - hence you got hideous ‘meat markets’, ladies’ nights’, ‘grab a granny type’ nights. It was also more acceptable to have relationships at work.

As you get older, these opportunities lessen as you go out less and people your age are couples up and available. Also clubbing and hospitality has rapidly died out in this country.

I hated online dating but it felt very upfront, you were at least saying you were available and not working it out. It was covid and also same sex when I started it in my 40s. I was strategic and met someone in 9 months that I’ve been with ever since. I would not have come across someone.

Ive noticed mumsnet be judgy about people at work, neighbours, other school parents but these remain the main ways to meet offline for older people.

I take it to mean this too. I dont think it means stop looking entirely and just expect someone to turn up at your door lol. I take it to mean, once you have relaxed and have stopped feeling obsessed or super anxious about meeting someone you'll be in a far better head space to get to know someone in a relaxed and non pressured way which is more likely to result in success.

If you do feel anxious and stressed about it then that will place a huge pressure on the other person in your mind to make them a good fit for you and you may well overlook red flags or signs you arent compatible because you feel so anxious to get a partner. I dont think it means you stop looking and become a hermit who never goes anywhere!

I do think there's an element of truth in when you're not desperately looking and happy being single you attract more interest.

I agree. For example- supposing you take a night class with the sole intention of meeting a man and there are no available men there- you'll feel disheartened and that it was a complete waste of time and money- you'll feel disappointed.

If you take a night class for YOU and enjoy it then it wont have been a waste of time or money. Yes, of course it would have been nice to meet a guy there but if you dont, then it's still a worthwhile use of your time- you'll still have enjoyed it. Besides, who knows- you may end up meeting people there who become good friends and end up dating one of their social circle. An opportunity you would have missed if you down tools and leave the second you realise there are no men there.

Thats what I think it means- live your life for you without the rigid expectation that you MUST meet a man otherwise you have "failed". Setting yourself up for huge expectations that you will only see something as a success if you meet your soul mate will only lead to massive disappointment which ends up in cycle of negativity and bitterness in the long term. So, go out there and socialise and enjoy your life and in the process you will meet potential romantic matches but equally, you wont be crushed with disappointment if at the end of the night you dont find the "perfect" man.

Yes, this exactly 💯

It's in the same category as 'Plenty more fish in the sea'

I went back online dating in Jan and met my bf five weeks later. I think you need to actively be looking but I did it differently.

Any red flag I moved on. No more settling.
I had a list of my deal breakers and stood to it.
I had zero expectations for dates, just went out and had fun.

I did too much still failed

It's patronising bullshit. Right up there with when people say you have to love yourself before anyone else will.

It could happen but I think when you're older and busier with kids, work, life and less time to socialise, it's harder. I met my husband on online dating but after speaking to and meeting so many " wrong" men I decided to stop for a while. I kept my profile up but let it go inactive so I wasn't getting as many messages as normal. I was debating taking it down but thought I'd leave it in case I changed my mind later, and that's when he messaged me. Eight years later we're married with more kids. I think I needed a mental break away from dating and chatting to men, I wasn't focusing on it and it gave me time to think about the qualities I really wanted in a man.

I don't think it's meaningless. Ok, it's a bit tired as an expression but there's something in It.

To me it means don't be desperate and waste time on matches going nowhere. Keep looking purposefully but make time for your own goals and interests. Also it's easy to get stuck in loops of what you think you want. Maybe be slightly more open minded (even if that means just regarding height parameters online). I dated for 4 years, some short terms things up to six months but I knew deep down they weren't it for me. I was still looking but had resigned myself to not meeting anyone. Then who turns up but my incredible DP.

Also I think it means have confidence in your conviction if you think something isn't quite right. It doesn't need to be terrible or totally run its course. By all means have a few dates to be sure but dont feel you need to settle and make it work with someone who is 'a match on paper'.

This.
I am not on the market for a man at the moment but happy going out with friends.
Went to a pub rammed with men (I live in a rugby town😂) with a friend who is on the lookout for a man. She is much more attractive than me but I got more attention and a tentative approach from a lovely man asking for my number when we left. She was quite miffed (we are good friends do no hard feelings) but I genuinely am not looking for a man and I think it’s like in any negotiation -if you really aren’t interested you get more interest,

I met my amazing H in an off the cuff late afternoon fancy a drink pop into the pub with a friend.

Wasn't looking, would never do online there's just too much nonsense to wade through, everyone lies what's the point?

But I went out, did stuff, went to work and social things, I didn't have kids at the time.

We have discussed this, online we would have hated each other, scrolled past each other's what are they called write ups, but IRL we seem to get closer, happier more in love as each year passes.

So it was true for both of us. Wasn't looking, didn't care if I met someone but wasn't adverse if someone lovely came along.

We wouldn't have met if either of us just stayed in the house though.

@frozendaisy im intrigued by your comment that had you met online you would have hated each other, do you think alcohol greased the interaction or what was different? If you wish to say of course!

it happened to me. I was single and happily content to remain so for ten years or so whilst my kids grew up… went to a friends wedding. Married her next door neighbour less than a year later after meeting him there.

I am slim, not bad looking, outgoing and social, I have a good professional job and work with a lot of people, I go to presentations and meetings. I also go out from time to time. I have been single for over 10 years and, even worse, I had zero interest from men - none at all! Probs something to do with the fact I'm over 50 now.

I would never do OLD though. I know a lot of male people who are on it (friends and colleagues) and, believe me, its not the kind of people you would like to date. This is also confirmed by my own experience - I went on OLD briefly in my early 40s and done the thing where you meet everyone who you chat to - I have met maybe 30-40 people - most were boring, all lied about themselves (age, height, photos) and a few were really unhinged and weird.

Yes it could happen out of nowhere. Either through friends, at a bar, while walking on the street, through online dating. Anywhere. As long as you are ready and open to falling in love 🥰

One way of looking at it is that looking for someone can become stressful with the effort, disappointments and having to always be on top form, and stressed isn’t attractive. Whereas a relaxed happy person who is enjoying a full and varied life is always quite appealing.

This absolutely resonates. My wonderful bf is using OLD as it's harder to meet men in our now, older lives. We're not out clubbing every weekend/ visiting cities round the UK/ Europe monthly like we did back in the day. We do go to gigs/ theatre/ cafes/ go on walks/ nice breaks, but none of those are places you'd find lots of available men. We were just reflecting at a gig recentiy that we were surrounded by couples.

Her work is 95% female/ folk working from home etc makes it so hard. I think a friend of a friend might be her best chance.

Her exH met his new wife online- in Thailand (yuck!).

You've just described me there back in the day. I was not as attractive as my best friend, but always seemed to chat to men & always had a successful, varied love life. I do think there's something in being more approachable/ less intimidating. I was always the one on the dance floor not giving two hoots & laughing.

I’m not anxious or obsessed with meeting someone, I was happily single for 5 years and never met a single man. I said I would join old dating recently and got told not to as it will just happen and won’t happen if I “go looking for it” never mind the fact I had been single for 5 years! Not even thinking about dating

So is joining old desperately looking?