Page 4 | DH jokingly calling me a bitch

GrootGroot · 2024-12-27T09:01:28+00:00

DH has recently begun jokingly referring to me as a bitch (biii-ach) multiple times now. Yesterday I made a breakfast of bagels, bacon and eggs for everyone and DH asked if I had toasted a stack of bagels? I said no, I could only do one at a time in the toaster. He then said “well you could have used the grill but you are a lazy biiii-ach” DS heard him and told him don’t call me that. DH told everyone not to be so serious etc. He also whispers (bitch) but again with a smile on his face (it’s cos you’re a bitch) and tickles me or tries to play fight. Seeking opinions please? There has been historical verbal abuse (very bad stuff) and historical emotional abuse but in arguments he has stopped saying the worst, most dreadful stuff he used to say but seeking opinions on him jokingly calling me a bitch? He says I’m being sensitive.

Fluffy40 · 27/12/2024 10:59

He needs a kick in the balls, utter bastard

Margorett · 27/12/2024 11:00

He is bullying you, a joke is okay when both see the funny side. Repetitive name calling, is bullying and he is abusing you, smiles of not. Start calling him dick head/arse hole/wanker the one you know he hates the most and see how he likes it ! Alternatively, next time he does he it, look him straight in the eyes, with the hardest glare then walk way and ignore him !

Gerwurtztraminer · 27/12/2024 11:06

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 10:30

Oh gosh, my husband also does that, constantly putting his hands on me inappropriately, groping, grabbing my boobs (roughly) slapping my arse, even grabbing me between the legs. Does this in front of the children, sulks when I tell him to stop and that I’m denying him physical affection.

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I was going to comment on the 'tickling' as that to me is always a red flag when it's unwanted or goes too far. I HATE being tickled.

But the sexualised groping and grabbing is awful and definitely abusive. He's violating you and your right to bodily autonomy and acting as if your body is his to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.. He's also deliberately doing it in front of the kids. Partly as this normalises it -i.e. it can't be THAT bad if he does it in public, or in front of children, right? (No, it really isn't normal or OK!) Plus he knows you won't go nuclear at him in front of the kids so can keep pushing the boundaries or how far he can go.

But you DO need react. You need to push his hands away, tell him no, say it's unacceptable & he has no right to touch you like that without your consent, walk away. Ignore sulking and don't respond to any goady moaning. Of course you don't want to be affectionate to some grabbing you between the legs.

Please get out as soon as you can.

caringcarer · 27/12/2024 11:10

My DH has never called me a bitch in 20 years of marriage. Don't put up with it. Tell him if he calls you names again he's out.

Anothernamechane · 27/12/2024 11:10

You know this is abuse. He is abusive and always has been and won't change.

There is no acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship and you and your children deserve to have a life without it. Do not let your son grow up thinking men calling women bitches and groping them is acceptable

B0RING · 27/12/2024 11:11

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 10:18

had huge guilt trips from his family and mine too

Just to add, always keep in mind parents decidedly selfish motives for wanting couples not to break up;

When your partner becomes single & a single Dad, he potentially becomes much more your in-laws "problem".

They often end up being housed back in their parents home for at least a while, they often require their parents to get more involved in grand child care, hosting it, doing it. If they're not particularly into looking after themselves (chore wise) they're now their parents/mother's burden in terms of meals, cleaning, laundry etc. If they have any lazy, addictive, dysfunctional sides that affect them keeping work etc., they're now their parents problem again....as opposed to their partner's.

On the other side - your family - parents often think they'll become responsible for (at worst) burdened with extra time, financial, support etc etc demands if you become a single Mum.

Then there's the "respectability" and image factors. A lot of parents don't particularly want to have to tell wider family, friends etc that their child's marriage/ltr has failed and they're now a single parent.

Then there's the belief that their grand kids will be adversely affected. People are very good at seeing adverse things in break ups/divorces/single parenthood. Not so good at recognising adverse things in dysfunctional, abusive households. As long as the household is intact, they conveniently think it's preferable.

These are the sorts of things your family and his family are probably thinking about/motivated by ..... They're not thinking about you. About what's best for you and your son. They're also probably conveniently blind to the effects of your partner's abusive behaviour. If he's not battering you back and blue, it's no doubt minor/not significant in their minds.

Excellent post.

Endofyear · 27/12/2024 11:15

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 10:07

This has put it into perspective for me, thank you so much. I’m so worried about my family’s reaction and his (his family will hate my guts) but you are right, it will become old news and eventually people will forget. I’m so scared of initially telling people, even just acquaintances and neighbours as ill be the one to leave I’ve decided, I know it’ll all blow over but the idea of having to explain to everyone is daunting.

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You don't have to explain anything to anyone. You can just say we're not together anymore and leave it at that. It's nobody else's business why or who made the decision. Remember this is a huge adjustment in your life but to other people it's not - we often hear about couples splitting up and think oh that's sad and then we forget about it. If his family hate you then so what? You will have moved on with your life and their opinions don't matter!

Original poster

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 11:21

Gerwurtztraminer · 27/12/2024 11:06

I was going to comment on the 'tickling' as that to me is always a red flag when it's unwanted or goes too far. I HATE being tickled.

But the sexualised groping and grabbing is awful and definitely abusive. He's violating you and your right to bodily autonomy and acting as if your body is his to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.. He's also deliberately doing it in front of the kids. Partly as this normalises it -i.e. it can't be THAT bad if he does it in public, or in front of children, right? (No, it really isn't normal or OK!) Plus he knows you won't go nuclear at him in front of the kids so can keep pushing the boundaries or how far he can go.

But you DO need react. You need to push his hands away, tell him no, say it's unacceptable & he has no right to touch you like that without your consent, walk away. Ignore sulking and don't respond to any goady moaning. Of course you don't want to be affectionate to some grabbing you between the legs.

Please get out as soon as you can.

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When I tell him to stop he says “But I own you” “You are my property” Again with a big smile on his face and jokingly but not.

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 27/12/2024 11:23

He is an abusive arsehole.
So his abuse of you stopped for a while and it has now re-emerged - ? - that is because a man who hates himself and his partner enough to behave like that can’t suppress the need to be a fucking arsehole because that’s who he is at his core. You can’t let it happen. Your son doesn’t want to see it happen and well done him for telling his dad off.
Do not accept it. Either tell him he stops doing that or he’s out, OR just get your ducks in a row and leave him.

beezlebubnicky · 27/12/2024 11:27

OP, I'm really glad you've been talking to Women's Aid (please keep yourself safe while doing something) and can recognise his behaviour for what it is. As you've said, it's not as simple as just leaving - but see if you can start to carefully put a plan in place that keeps you and your children safe, with support from DA organisations and a trusted friend or family member if possible. Things can get better on the other side and you do not have to live like this, but get your ducks in a row and above all, safety. I am sure you know the biggest risk to your life is when you try and leave him so please get advice and take your time to do it in a safe way for you and your children. I'm sorry you are going through this and it is not your fault, your OH is an abusive prick.

Your DS sounds like a lovely lad, well done to him for sticking up for you!

Original poster

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 11:27

Mmhmmn · 27/12/2024 11:23

He is an abusive arsehole.
So his abuse of you stopped for a while and it has now re-emerged - ? - that is because a man who hates himself and his partner enough to behave like that can’t suppress the need to be a fucking arsehole because that’s who he is at his core. You can’t let it happen. Your son doesn’t want to see it happen and well done him for telling his dad off.
Do not accept it. Either tell him he stops doing that or he’s out, OR just get your ducks in a row and leave him.

I was really proud of DS for calling him out. He looked horrified. He calls his Dad out on other inappropriate comments, not necessarily towards me but some racist or misogynistic stuff. He knows it’s not okay to say it and tells him off.

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 27/12/2024 11:31

Good on your son. It can’t just be down to him though. Don’t waste your life on a cruel, abusive arsehole OP. He’s not fit to lick your boots choosing to behave like that.

KimFan · 27/12/2024 11:32

He sounds creepy and weird.

theallotmentqueen · 27/12/2024 11:33

It would be one thing if you had that kind of banter humour together. Completely another if he’s historically been verbally abusive and he’s the only one laughing. The reason banter is funny is because both people are participating and enjoying it. Otherwise it’s just bullying.

He should have stopped and apologised as soon as it was obvious you weren’t comfortable with being called a bitch. The first comment he made is especially riling- you spent ages making a lovely breakfast and he calls you a lazy bitch? Disgusting behaviour.

theallotmentqueen · 27/12/2024 11:36

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 10:30

Oh gosh, my husband also does that, constantly putting his hands on me inappropriately, groping, grabbing my boobs (roughly) slapping my arse, even grabbing me between the legs. Does this in front of the children, sulks when I tell him to stop and that I’m denying him physical affection.

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I’m sorry to say that this is sexual assault. Don’t buy the ‘denying him official affection’ crap. I’m a physically affectionate person and the way I show physical affection is by putting my arm round my partner, giving them a little kiss on the forehead or a peck on the lips, giving them a hug. Him groping you isn’t physically affectionate or loving, it’s predatory and horrible, especially after you’ve explicitly told him multiple times to stop.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 12:13

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 11:21

When I tell him to stop he says “But I own you” “You are my property” Again with a big smile on his face and jokingly but not.

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He's sick in the head.

There's something wrong with him.

No wonder his family don't want you getting rid of him, no other woman who's sane would take him on.

(I mean, he'll probably get a woman sooner or later because she's vulnerable, but they don't want to deal with waiting for that to happen or the risk that it won't, or all the break ups and failed relationships before he gets another one who'll put up with it long-term).

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 12:16

but some racist or misogynistic stuff

Look, you (and your son) can see he's a racist, bigoted, misogynist, sleazy, creepy, nasty, weird piece of work. He's not right in the head.

What are you doing there? Go to citizens advice and see what you can get if you separate. Some women live off even just UC and are still ok.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 12:18

theallotmentqueen · 27/12/2024 11:36

I’m sorry to say that this is sexual assault. Don’t buy the ‘denying him official affection’ crap. I’m a physically affectionate person and the way I show physical affection is by putting my arm round my partner, giving them a little kiss on the forehead or a peck on the lips, giving them a hug. Him groping you isn’t physically affectionate or loving, it’s predatory and horrible, especially after you’ve explicitly told him multiple times to stop.

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Yeah this. What he's doing us not affection.

We all know what affection in romantic and sexual relations is - hugging, non sexual touching etc.

Grabbing boobs and sexual areas roughly is not affection. Not even in a sexual relationship.

It's bad enough but the fact he does it in front of kids .... .

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 12:23

Honestly this guy, until you leave him, deserves to have his bollocks grabbed and squeezed hard and be called every name under the sun ...in cutesy, slang little versions like he's trying to cover his insults with. Constantly.

However I bet if you do that, he'll probably become violent or at the very least much more aggressively, outright nasty & insulting.

Which just illustrates further why you need to get rid of him asap.

TwistedWonder · 27/12/2024 12:28

So he’s a racist, misogynistic, abusive arsehole who sexually abuses you in front of your children? He’s just about as grim as it gets.

Fuck what anyone says about you, the only course of action is to pick his arse out and stop allowing your DC to be exposed to this abusive cunt.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 15:39

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 10:12

Thanks ☺️ It wasn’t quite a guilt trip from my parents but they were actually annoyed that DH was being looked after in his mums whilst I struggled on my own with young children, looking after the house and dealing with sleepless nights (kids) etc. He should be home helping you with the children etc. so I took him back! (Stupidly)

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There's a big issue with that though, isn't there.

Because the children's father might be back in the house pulling his weight (does he actually pull his weight? Sounds unlikely for a man who sees women the way he does) ..... But that means the abuser is back in the home, with you, with the kids.

Their thinking was very flawed;

He probably doesn't pull his weight even when he's living their fulltime.

And his behaviour is abusive and damaging for the kids to see.

Sadly, with someone like this, you can't get them to pull their weight, or fulfil their responsibilities...at all, and not without serious downsides/compromises that should not be made.

A million single Mums have been forced to come to that conclusion.

The thing about kids is that the work with them is constantly changing/lessening. Babies and toddlers are incredibly demanding and time consuming .... The older they get, the less that is the case.Your kids are probably already easier to look after than back when he was staying at his parents. In time they'll be proper little people.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/12/2024 15:46

Sorry, there, not their

Confuzzledbeans · 27/12/2024 15:54

Who gives a crap if he uses the well worn phrase "you're too sensitive". Is his opinion the only one that matters in the relationship and family? Are his lordship's feelings the only ones that matter? Why does he get to dictate whether or not your own feelings are correct?

Especially with historical abuse involved... Please know that it is extremely rare for abusers to change in any meaningful and lasting way.
I get that it is hard to leave especially with children involved.

You could start calling him a dickhead and see how he likes it. Or just put your foot down on it entirely.
But only if you feel safe enough to do so, which you may not be.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 27/12/2024 16:17

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 11:21

When I tell him to stop he says “But I own you” “You are my property” Again with a big smile on his face and jokingly but not.

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It's good you're planning on leaving, because your children are growing up with this disgusting behaviour being modelled to them.

Terrribletwos · 27/12/2024 16:29

GrootGroot · 27/12/2024 10:30

Oh gosh, my husband also does that, constantly putting his hands on me inappropriately, groping, grabbing my boobs (roughly) slapping my arse, even grabbing me between the legs. Does this in front of the children, sulks when I tell him to stop and that I’m denying him physical affection.

Show quote history

Omg! Really! This just gets worse and worse!

It's not easy @GrootGroot but you seriously need to get out of this abusive relationship.