DH jokingly calling me a bitch

[GrootGroot]

DH has recently begun jokingly referring to me as a bitch (biii-ach) multiple times now. Yesterday I made a breakfast of bagels, bacon and eggs for everyone and DH asked if I had toasted a stack of bagels? I said no, I could only do one at a time in the toaster. He then said “well you could have used the grill but you are a lazy biiii-ach” DS heard him and told him don’t call me that. DH told everyone not to be so serious etc.

He also whispers (bitch) but again with a smile on his face (it’s cos you’re a bitch) and tickles me or tries to play fight.

Seeking opinions please? There has been historical verbal abuse (very bad stuff) and historical emotional abuse but in arguments he has stopped saying the worst, most dreadful stuff he used to say but seeking opinions on him jokingly calling me a bitch? He says I’m being sensitive.

It's not a joke.
It sounds as though he has a lot of pent up aggressive feelings towards you and is trying to hide it with his " joke" insults, and by " play" fighting and tickling.
I would be very worried about what happens next when he stops trying to mask it.

Bitch is such a horrible word because as well as being offensive it's also misogynistic.

He has shown you exactly who he is and what he thinks of you. Start planning to leave this man. Do the Freedom Course, rebuild your self esteem, get a social life apart from him, sort out separate financial independence and then dump his sorry, abusive arse.

Good for you. Keep planning and get away from him. He sounds vile. It doesn't matter what his family or yours think. All that matters is what you want. Good luck OP, I hope 2025 is the year you break free 💐

Yes that’s what I think. That he says it with intent and means it. I get some couples have banter and he’s not screaming it in my face but it seems like he’s changed tactics.

Agreed. A tickle turns to a poke, to a pinch, to a slap etc. It gets you 'used' to him 'jokily' putting his hands on you and hurting you.

It’s also alarming that he gets physical with you- “play fighting” can get painful pretty quickly. I’m glad you are making your plans to leave, I hope that it goes smoothly and that it happens soon. Lots of sympathy.

If you don't like the way he speaks to you then tell him to stop.

Unfortunately it's not as simple as that when you're dealing with an abusive man.

There has been historical verbal abuse (very bad stuff)

He's not changed at all.

He's just trying to verbally abuse you "jokingly" and slyly.

I get some couples have banter and he’s not screaming it in my face but it seems like he’s changed tactics

You've hit the nail on the head yourself op.

Op the whispering thing is creepier, if dh called me it once I’d be hurt but just saying’you don’t call people that’ but that plus the history is pretty awful- you need to talk. If you’re saying it’s not easy to leave the way you just did it means you’ve contemplated it which means it may be something you need to start thinking about (get help from family and friends if you can x)

Ah op, I know it's easy to say but if someone did that to me; I'd "jokingly" "banter" back "sure thingy, c u next Tuesday", "no probs, beeeyastard".

Every single time

That doesn't solve your fundamental problem though.

(And there's a chance he'll then escalate to outright aggression and maybe violence).

There appears to be a great deal of anger, resentment, dislike, nastiness, desire to hurt and humiliate and score points off you ..behind his behaviour, past and present. He really doesn't seem like he likes living in a household with you, having you as a partner (though perhaps he'd be the same with any partner). Shouldn't he free himself, the poor dear, so he's not living in circumstances that clearly make him so unhappy.

I'm being ironic, obviously. You need to free yourself.

You don't get abusive relationships at all! Don't you think she's tried that..

"Play" fighting would be the red flag for me; totally

@GrootGroot

Jokes are funny. That isn’t.

He thinks it funny not only to call you that but to do so in front of your son? It doesn’t sound at all funny to me.
Especially since you and your son have both asked him not to.
I wouldn’t want my DC to grow up with a man who spoke to me so disrespectfully.
Be proud of your son for standing up for you, and ditch the sorry excuse of a man.
Im assuming this is not DS’s father?

Tell him to stop, it's wearing thin, is inappropriate and embarrassing for you and anyone who is listening! Stick to your guns. If he does it again, go out, show him you don't need someone who does not respect you.

You and your kid should not be around the abuser, can you divorce the scum?
His and your relatives thoughts are utterly irrelevant. His relatives raised a domestic abuser, and if your relatives think he's great, let them receive his verbal attacks.
'Play fighting' is for abusive males to practice.

He’s the children’s dad, yes.

had huge guilt trips from his family and mine too.

They're not the ones living with this behaviour.

This is not their life, it's your life. Your one life.

You have the right to a life without abuse.
And this is abuse.
And there seems to be a general background of abuse here.

You don't have to have their agreement, it's not their life. They have their own lives; they get to choose how they live them, what decisions they make, who they have as a partner, what they subject themselves to, what they subject their kids to etc etc They can make that decision about their own life. They don't get to make it about other people's. That's not their right.

Especially given that they probably don't understand what it's like, they're not living it, and they're probably minimising.

Changes happen, people adjust, things move on, news becomes old news and then irrelevant.
In my experience within a few years, your relatives are struggling to remember what ex spouses/long term partners were even called.
They can adjust.

Good on you. It must be very difficult to leave such a horrible situation without any support from family. Glad you got a plan. Your son also sounds awesome. I think 2025 will see improvements for you both once you leave him. In the meantime you have something to look forward to.

Ignore the family. They should want the best for you.

He sounds like an abuser who's just using sly ways to abuse, because it looked like he was going to face some consequences (you leaving him, him having to live back at home or get his own place, take care of himself, be a single parent etc.) from his "overt" abuse.

But the common thread through all of it is that he's an abuser.

This has put it into perspective for me, thank you so much. I’m so worried about my family’s reaction and his (his family will hate my guts) but you are right, it will become old news and eventually people will forget. I’m so scared of initially telling people, even just acquaintances and neighbours as ill be the one to leave I’ve decided, I know it’ll all blow over but the idea of having to explain to everyone is daunting.

He doesn't like you and is being passive aggressive.

Just to say op, it doesn’t matter what his family thinks, this is not acceptable.
How would you feel if your son behaved this way towards his daughter or wife?
Children learn from their parents, which quite frankly might explain your oh’s behaviour.
You need to leave asap op. Your oh is dangerous.