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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been completely dropped! By longstanding friendship group !

81 replies

CoralGold · 27/12/2024 08:07

Long story short. Group of 5 of us from school mums to now. All lovely,.if not very different people. Have been friends for 18+ years and live near eachother. Friend (let's call her kim) is a laugh but super tight and very close liped about most things. Kim went for a senior role at my work (where she is my boss) without mentioning it and..fast forward 4 years of being really professional with eachother, she accused me of something and this triggered a string of events which could have been very serious, however, she was at fault and issued me with a written apology. Alongside this, my mum died, my sister had breast cancer and I had long covid to the point where I needed a stick to walk and began to not be able to socialise (I also have a young child, much younger than the other friends in the group) so admittedly, I cancelled and was nit present for a few socials. I sent a really polite and warm.message to the others explaining that due to a few issues around work etc, I wouldn't be socialising with kim in a small group but really wanted to keep in touch with others
Final straw for me.was when they all recently went on holiday together.
So...I have repeatedly offered to meet for a cuppa, send voice notes etc to others and everyone responds really politely. This year, no Xmas cards or messages.
How many tines do I offer to meet up?
Seriously stuck at what to do!

OP posts:
Catshit · 27/12/2024 08:08

Move on m8

Original poster
CoralGold · 27/12/2024 08:10

I agree but it is seriously awkward when I bump into them.in the co op!

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 27/12/2024 08:14

CoralGold · 27/12/2024 08:10

I agree but it is seriously awkward when I bump into them.in the co op!

Just let them go. If you bump into them in the co op just be polite, say hi etc. But don’t offer to meet up with them again, distance yourself and move on. This Kim has probably told ‘her’ version of events to the others or it might be that as you haven’t been out with them for a while they no longer see you as part of the group - rubbish I know but that’s just how some so-called friends treat others. I’d just move on and forget about them.

hamstersarse · 27/12/2024 08:14

Didn’t you drop them first by saying you wanted to exclude Kim?

MaggieBsBoat · 27/12/2024 08:16

It’s not embarrassing for you. It should be embarrassing for them if you bump into each other. Screw them. Let them go.

Catshit · 27/12/2024 08:17

Just keep walking

MumonabikeE5 · 27/12/2024 08:20

You’ve been dropped. They prefer Kim. Move on.

category12 · 27/12/2024 08:27

There's nothing you can do. You just need to work on new friendships.

Original poster
CoralGold · 27/12/2024 08:32

I just felt I couldn't socialise with her when she had been so unreasonable at work with me. I did make it clear that I really valued their friendships but I had to put a boundary in where kim was concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoralGold · 27/12/2024 08:34

Thanks catshit. Needed to hear this! It is just so annoying as I'm always really upfront.
and they are not.

OP posts:
NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 27/12/2024 08:34

You said you wouldn’t be meeting up with them because of problems you were having at work. So you were clearly having a dig at Kim. So it’s not really surprising that they’ve dropped you tbh. It’s likely people don’t want to get in the middle. And Kim may not even have said anything.

But this is the danger of mixing your social life with professional relationships.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 27/12/2024 08:35

She'd accepted she was in the wrong and also written you an apology, but you wanted to meet the others without her, effectively isolating her. The others didn't want to do this. You've brought this on yourself....

HeddaGarbled · 27/12/2024 08:35

I wouldn't be socialising with kim in a small group but really wanted to keep in touch with others

It’s this. They’ve picked Kim.

poemsandwine · 27/12/2024 08:37

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 27/12/2024 08:35

She'd accepted she was in the wrong and also written you an apology, but you wanted to meet the others without her, effectively isolating her. The others didn't want to do this. You've brought this on yourself....

I think this tbh. You made a choice that worked for you, and they did the same.

julia08 · 27/12/2024 08:37

You’ve excluded yourself. They’re hardly likely to make separate plans which exclude their friend Kim. It would have been better to sort out your issues with Kim privately rather than bring negative energy to the group. Even without the Kim issues, it sounds as though you had drifted apart anyway, with you being less present over the last few years (albeit with good reason).

Move on and look for a new friendship circle.

Nc546888 · 27/12/2024 08:37

I think you should have still seen Kim at the social stuff. This is why you have been dropped - for being the difficult one

MonopolyQueen · 27/12/2024 08:38

I’m sure your friendship group will have heard Kim’s version of how you caused a problem at work and it blew up and despite it really being your fault, poor Kim ended up having to send you a humiliating written apology (how did that come about? Did she do it voluntarily or was she strong-armed into it by senior manager or HR?).

In the gap when you withdrew, your friends took Kim’s side and decided the best thing is to move on without you.

Dreadfully hurtful I am sorry. Keep trying, gently, to keep in touch with the ones in the group you got on best with. Find new friends, in case things can’t be fixed.

growinguptobreakingdown · 27/12/2024 08:39

kindly I think your text message may have caused others to take a side and it's not yours.They may well have shared the message and talked about it with Kim when you were not at social events due to being ill.Keep your dignity and stop asking.If no one asks you let it go.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 27/12/2024 08:39

HeddaGarbled · 27/12/2024 08:35

I wouldn't be socialising with kim in a small group but really wanted to keep in touch with others

It’s this. They’ve picked Kim.

Disagree. OP has said she no longer wants to meet up because of what was going on in her life. Which included issues at work.

OP’s friends likely know that Kim is her manager, and so the reference to work is clearly the OP stirring trying to create a rift in the friendship.

I wouldn’t get involved in that tbh, and if someone posted on here that one of their friendship group was posting subtle digs about wanting to excuse another people would be telling her to meet up with the group without her being included.

Loopytiles · 27/12/2024 08:39

Yes, they chose Kim.

Messaging them like that wasn’t a good idea IMO. It would have been better to seek to meet up with the one or two you get on best with.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/12/2024 08:40

You literally told them to pick you or Kim!! And they chose Kim.

Shiningout · 27/12/2024 08:41

I mean my situation was different as we had absolutely no fall outs but basically I got dropped from a couple of good mates when I got divorced and became single and it was awful. I still feel sad now.

I realised they'd been meeting up behind my back for the past 12 months yet whenever I'd posted in our group chat asking to meet etc they were always busy. I only found out because I looked on social media (I didn't have an account) and saw it all on there, holidays the lot.

It hurt like hell but I just sent them a message saying I was really sad how it had turned out and I wish they'd have just told me they didn't want to be friends anymore etc, then I blocked them. They had my email address and normal address etc so they could have contacted me but they never did.

Sometimes you just have to let it go. I was more upset for my young child as we all met at nct and our kids used to love playing together but now a few years later she doesn't even remember them.

JennyTals · 27/12/2024 08:42

id personally just drop the lot and move on
as they probably use you as something to talk about

so say you have contact with one or two they perhaps just wanna know your info like what you’re upto etc so they can report back

pictoosh · 27/12/2024 08:44

The work situation has proved a fly in the ointment.
You wanted to make it a wider issue and bring it into the friendship group. They didn't.
You gambled and lost.
Sorry.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/12/2024 08:46

If Kim apologised for the work issue, in the name of the group friendship you probably shouldn't have said you're basically shunning her.
It's meant they've had to pick sides and they've chosen her. It's a shame but I don't think there's much to be done.