Been completely dropped! By longstanding friendship group !

[CoralGold]

Long story short. Group of 5 of us from school mums to now. All lovely,.if not very different people. Have been friends for 18+ years and live near eachother. Friend (let's call her kim) is a laugh but super tight and very close liped about most things. Kim went for a senior role at my work (where she is my boss) without mentioning it and..fast forward 4 years of being really professional with eachother, she accused me of something and this triggered a string of events which could have been very serious, however, she was at fault and issued me with a written apology. Alongside this, my mum died, my sister had breast cancer and I had long covid to the point where I needed a stick to walk and began to not be able to socialise (I also have a young child, much younger than the other friends in the group) so admittedly, I cancelled and was nit present for a few socials. I sent a really polite and warm.message to the others explaining that due to a few issues around work etc, I wouldn't be socialising with kim in a small group but really wanted to keep in touch with others
Final straw for me.was when they all recently went on holiday together.
So...I have repeatedly offered to meet for a cuppa, send voice notes etc to others and everyone responds really politely. This year, no Xmas cards or messages.
How many tines do I offer to meet up?
Seriously stuck at what to do!

Op was friends with Kim long before Kim joined the op’s workplace and became her boss. Op has said that Kim was then her boss for 4 years but Kim accused op of something which caused issues between them. Op then basically told the other friends she didn’t want to socialise if Kim was going to be there due to issues at work and was happy to meet up with them as long as Kim wasn’t going to be there. The other friends have now excluded op from the group as they didn’t want the burden of op’s issue with Kim to put them in a difficult position so they have chosen Kim.

It all sounds very claustrophobic anyway. Working with and bumping in to all your school friends regularly as adults. Is it a very small town? I agree the issue here is you attempting to exclude Kim and coming across as the unreasonable one, so they have sided with her. Maybe time to branch out friendships anyway?!

You excluded yourself when you asked them to choose between you and Kim. Announcing you wouldn't socialise with her in a small group sounds like you expected them to just socialise with you instead and exclude her. Yet why should they simply drop her just because you had a work issue that in their minds was resolved when she gave you a written apology? It must feel like you want to keep the drama going and who can be arsed with that? Yes, it's good to put in healthy boundaries but you have to accept the consequences even if they don't fall in your favour.

You gave them an ultimatum and don't like that they went through with it in a way you didn't expect.

You need to accept this and move on.

Sorry this has happened OP. I agree with PP, sounds like the work issue is the root of this. If you’re very keen on getting the friendship group back on track, could you meet with Kim in a social setting to clear the air?

Also - look up the Mel Robbins “Let Them” theory.

You should have asked MN before posting the original message. You should not have mixed work issues with your friendship group. It’s not your friends problem and they won’t want to get drawn in.

The only thing you can do is lay low, and hope they come back around if you still want to be friends. Or have a direct conversation with a few you are closest two and tell them situation. I would do the latter.

Hurtful - been there, where one member of the group creates a bitch wedge and shoe horns you out - it’s v unpleasant. How ‘real’ are the others if they don’t see past this?

I think this has maybe run its course and I’d concentrate on other friendships and social groups suited to your pace

I stepped away from a similar situation nothing happened it was more subtle over time but I also realised I had not motivation to socialise with these ‘nice’ people over another meal when I had more serious stuff going on which they didn’t know about because actually they weren’t that involved in my life or interested really in what was going on for me at the time.

Times like this can be a catalyst for welcome changes - even though it doesn’t feel like it.

The only thing I wonder is if you’d feel better expression the group how saddened you are not to have has contact from any of them to share your side so to speak.

Take care and remember you didnt do any harm to these and it’s unfair but maybe try not worthy of your friendship when things have got tricky

I agree it’s the ultimatum you effectively gave them. It may not even be a case of picking Kim over you but just doing the easiest option. You said you didn’t want to meet in a small group situation anymore.

For me if someone said this I would think that’s their choice and that I don’t have the time to be meeting the group one day and you individually another time. I’m also busy with work and family. Just don’t have the time.

recently had similar where someone I’ve been good friends for years with said she no longer wants to meet up in a group setting. She hasn’t even fallen out with anyone. I do miss her but I don’t have the time to see her. I figure if she wants to see me/us she can come back to the group.

the rest of your group won’t be interested in your workplace politics. In their view Kim has apologised and everyone could move on. They’re not going to invite you on holiday if Kim is going as it would be awkward.

Mmmm if one person in a group
issued an ultimatum about excluding another person, I’m afraid the ultimatum giver would always be given short shrift. Once you’ve got to the point of issuing an ultimatum you’ve always lost 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with pps that you effectively left the group, OP.

I hope you're ok OP btw. All of us have made poorly judged decisions in our time...or at least, I have.

Your child is much younger than theirs, it doesn’t sound like a holiday with them would have worked out anyway.

You won’t be able to turn the clock back. The friendship is done. Focus on other people now.

I’m going to say there is another issue here.

You have LC and a small child. Plus many family issues.
Regardless of what happened with Kim, people can’t cope with that. You’ll have a list of ‘run out of empathy’, ‘but she isn’t even bothering to turn up to events anyway’ etc…
The reality is that people drop like flies as soon as someone has a chronic illness like LC. They aren’t ready to give the accommodations needed and accept you can’t do things like before.

So yes, it might not even be Kim.

Regardless, those people aren’t your friends. They were fair weather friends and you’ve just found out. I’m sorry 😔

As for meeting them at the Co-Op… remember they’ll be much more awkward than you, as they should really.
You can walk past ignoring them. You can look at them and wait for them to make the first move. You can be upfront and ask them why no card. What’s going on?

she accused me of something and this triggered a string of events which could have been very serious, however, she was at fault and issued me with a written apology.

Whatever happened there, it was clearly going to make things awkward. Was she told to apologise?

It sounds like you said you didn’t want to meet as a group, which was your prerogative, but I don’t blame them for continuing to meet. You’ve withdrawn from the group.

Was it a hard n fast ultimatum though?

I read it as the OP still wanted to have contact with the other members of the group but not when Kim was there, and that they can still continue to see Kim sort of situation.

You pretty much forced their hand OP. Sending them a message was completely unnecessary, you have the right to decide who you want to socialise with, of course, but I don't know how you cannot see how this will have looked to the others.

Did Kim want to keep in touch after she apologised? Either way, your work issue does not involve your other friends and you shouldn't have put them in such an awkward position.

Perhaps, but it may have been construed that the OP was giving them permission to still see Kim, which would probably rile most people.

@CoralGold I don’t think they deliberately picked her over you in a ‘taking sides’ way but it’s too much to expect that kind of a group to leave out Kim (over something that didn’t involve them) and you said you are not socialising with Kim (due to what happened at work) so they took the easy option - you kind of made it hard for them to to do anything else? Unfortunate but unless there are any of them with whom you’d meet individually I can’t see any point in staying involved. I think you have to accept that the group bit is done.

I would have understood your message as you didn't want to be invited to group meet ups anymore so the holiday makes sense. If you haven't been able to come to a lot of things recently they may think you just don't want to be close friends anymore.
It's sad for you but if you don't want to see Kim then how can you stay in the friendship group? Maybe try to meet up with one of the group separately but anymore than one looks like your trying to exclude Kim which is unkind.

Yes, but it’s not clear whether she then contacted individuals to see if they’d like a one-on-one coffee or however she was envisaging the friendships moving forward, or whether they accepted. And it’s not clear either why the ‘final straw’ was them going on holiday — surely the OP didn’t think they were going to invite her for an entire holiday if she couldn’t even be around Kim for a drink?

They aren't school friends, they are people who got to know each other as school mums.

It practically becomes one, if there isn't a lot of 1:1 meet ups.

Juggling two people who can't do things together is a nightmare.

@MerrilyOnhigh I guess u assumed there should be a comma between school and mums given the other details (ie frisson upwards of 18 years and op having young dc and others having dc. Being school mum friends would mean dc we're in their 20's?

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