Page 2 | Been completely dropped! By longstanding friendship group !

CoralGold · 2024-12-27T08:07:53+00:00

Long story short. Group of 5 of us from school mums to now. All lovely,.if not very different people. Have been friends for 18+ years and live near eachother. Friend (let's call her kim) is a laugh but super tight and very close liped about most things. Kim went for a senior role at my work (where she is my boss) without mentioning it and..fast forward 4 years of being really professional with eachother, she accused me of something and this triggered a string of events which could have been very serious, however, she was at fault and issued me with a written apology. Alongside this, my mum died, my sister had breast cancer and I had long covid to the point where I needed a stick to walk and began to not be able to socialise (I also have a young child, much younger than the other friends in the group) so admittedly, I cancelled and was nit present for a few socials. I sent a really polite and warm.message to the others explaining that due to a few issues around work etc, I wouldn't be socialising with kim in a small group but really wanted to keep in touch with others Final straw for me.was when they all recently went on holiday together. So...I have repeatedly offered to meet for a cuppa, send voice notes etc to others and everyone responds really politely. This year, no Xmas cards or messages. How many tines do I offer to meet up? Seriously stuck at what to do!

KevinAndTracy · 27/12/2024 08:47

You haven't been dropped, you have in effect given the rest of them a "Kim or Me" ultimatum and unsurprisingly they don't want to exclude Kim

You can't expect them to dump Kim from the group just because the 2 of you had a fall out at work

arethereanyleftatall · 27/12/2024 08:48

I sent a really polite and warm.message to the others explaining that due to a few issues around work etc, I wouldn't be socialising with kim in a small gro

You have called this laying boundaries. What it sort of is is bullying. You were trying to exclude kim.

That wasn't your decision to make. Your decision to make was whether you were prepared to forgive Kim and thus still be part of this group or not. You decided not, which is fine and your choice.

It seems this group, meet as a group and only that. Which is normal and fine, I have a group who we all go out together, but none of us go out 121 at all. Changing the dynamic to start going out 121 with selected members wasn't an option.

LizzieSiddal · 27/12/2024 08:50

What did you expect the group to do when you tried to exclude Kim?

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 27/12/2024 08:51

It sounds like they interpreted your message as you saying pick me or Kim.

I know if anyone sent me such kind of message I would pick the other person simply on principle.

LameBorzoi · 27/12/2024 08:53

It must be frustrating, given Kim's actions at work.

However, asking a group to effectively exclude one individual is a really, really, really big ask. Especially when it's due to an issue that the other members of the group had zero to do with.

From their perspective, you were asking them all to "mean-girl" Kim purely on your say-so.

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 27/12/2024 08:54

I have to agree OP, they've chosen Kim......and they can have her! She sounds untrustworthy & back stabby. I'm sure yours won't be the only drama to rock their group with tight Kim around.
It's a shame when these things happen but they do.
Stop suggesting meet ups, they probably use your attempts at contact as conversation points during their hoildays/gatherings. Move on. Be polite if you bump into anyone-and breeze off to other adventures.

LameBorzoi · 27/12/2024 08:56

PleaseStopEatingMyStuff · 27/12/2024 08:54

I have to agree OP, they've chosen Kim......and they can have her! She sounds untrustworthy & back stabby. I'm sure yours won't be the only drama to rock their group with tight Kim around.
It's a shame when these things happen but they do.
Stop suggesting meet ups, they probably use your attempts at contact as conversation points during their hoildays/gatherings. Move on. Be polite if you bump into anyone-and breeze off to other adventures.

Hmm... I do wonder what Kim would have to say about the work situation, however.

DaphneLaurel · 27/12/2024 08:59

As far as we know Kim is possibly more than happy to hang out with you. It sounds like she did her best to resolve the situation with a written apology but that wasn't enough for you . You wrote yourself out of the friendship group.

Arrivederla · 27/12/2024 09:02

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 27/12/2024 08:35

She'd accepted she was in the wrong and also written you an apology, but you wanted to meet the others without her, effectively isolating her. The others didn't want to do this. You've brought this on yourself....

This

TheaBrandt · 27/12/2024 09:03

You signed your own death knell with your “friendly warm” message telling them to leave Kim out if they wanted to see you. What were you thinking?!

Lightswitchup · 27/12/2024 09:03

You said you weren’t coming to meet ups where Kim was invited. So they’ve gone ‘righto, that’s awkward’, and continued to have meet ups involving her, because doing anything else would be too difficult. You have given them permission essentially to exclude you so this is the easiest thing to do.

LadyQuackBeth · 27/12/2024 09:03

The message was a mistake. While you've been ill, dealing with sick relatives and a younger child they have still been getting together and have moved on somewhat. I also had long COVID and it's hard to try and get back to "my normal" whilst recognising that it's not "their normal," anymore.

They don't care about what happened at work, but it's 10x easier to carry on as they were, not really seeing you and spending time with Kim than to shake things up on your say so.

If there is one person, or maybe two, from the group you were particularly close to then reach out to them specifically but do not bitch about Kim. Otherwise try to focus on other friendships, maybe parents with a child the age of your youngest or who have also had a bad few years.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 27/12/2024 09:05

You live near each other and, in the fullness of time, the others might come round and go for a coffee individually, but, they do not personally have a problem with Kim and would prefer to carry on with the group status quo. They may feel a little suspicious of you trying to manipulate group dynamics. I think the idea of another group reforming without Kim is unrealistic, given all you have said.

pictoosh · 27/12/2024 09:06

Lightswitchup · 27/12/2024 09:03

You said you weren’t coming to meet ups where Kim was invited. So they’ve gone ‘righto, that’s awkward’, and continued to have meet ups involving her, because doing anything else would be too difficult. You have given them permission essentially to exclude you so this is the easiest thing to do.

Nailed it.

BluePapillon · 27/12/2024 09:09

I sent a really polite and warm.message to the others explaining that due to a few issues around work etc, I wouldn't be socialising with kim in a small group but really wanted to keep in touch with others

I think this is why this has happened. I understand ‘Kim’ and you had this work issue but it sounds like it was resolved and she issued the apology - this should then have been kept as a work issue, but you brought it to the group by essentially saying you were not going to socialise and wanting to create two groups, one with you and one with her. Add that to you being not about - and it sounds like a tough time so really sorry - they kind of went with the easiest option which was to carry on as normal just not with you.

Since you and Kim managed four years socialising and also with her as your manager I think you could have kept going like that especially as the work issue was resolved in your favour.

Whatatodo79 · 27/12/2024 09:09

sad for you OP, it's hard making friends as an adult, but don't beat yourself up over it. I hope in time you'll find a new crowd x

DaringlyPurple · 27/12/2024 09:10

Don't ever make a close friendship with your boss. Yes, perfectly fine to be friendly at work but not socializing outside work. I don't want to manage people I am friends with - it's just too difficult in terms of when I'm being a friend and when I'm being their boss.

I am sorry but they chose Kim. She undoubtedly told her side of the story. She was no doubt more present at meet ups while you were sick and looking after a young child. Your other friends didn"t want to buy into the employment issue - it was easier to exclude you than Kim who probably came over looking sweetly reasonable. Yet another reason not to socialise with your boss.

Learn from this and move on. If you run into them while out a courteous nod in their general direction is the most you should contemplate. If Kim is still your boss be very careful doing your job perfectly and according to all the rules. Document everything and keep records. I know you've had a dreadful time and this really hurts.

BeardofHagrid · 27/12/2024 09:10

They don’t sound like very nice people, you’ve obviously been through a hard time and they can’t even send a happy Christmas message? 😕 Do they really need to be so unforgiving. I’ve been in a similar situation and yes, it’s so hard to get over. I suppose all you can do is be polite if you bump into them, but I agree it’s very awkward.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 27/12/2024 09:13

Sorry you’re excluded from the group. I always try and take a learning point from each shitty situation in life. Could this be karma, you tried to exclude but have become the excluded. Learning point: treat others as you wish to be treated. “Warm” messages can carry cold intentions.

You’ll be ok. We all mess up. Remember to take on the lesson and apply it next time around.

Abi86 · 27/12/2024 09:14

CoralGold · 27/12/2024 08:34

Thanks catshit. Needed to hear this! It is just so annoying as I'm always really upfront.
and they are not.

You know this, and I don’t mean to be patronising, but life wasn’t meant to be fair. You’ve just got to do you the best you can. Keep your dignity. You’ve made your pitch, they’ve moved on, you move on too.

Hedonism · 27/12/2024 09:16

Lightswitchup · 27/12/2024 09:03

You said you weren’t coming to meet ups where Kim was invited. So they’ve gone ‘righto, that’s awkward’, and continued to have meet ups involving her, because doing anything else would be too difficult. You have given them permission essentially to exclude you so this is the easiest thing to do.

Exactly this!

You've given your friends two choices:

Don't invite Kim
Don't invite you

They haven't fallen out with Kim, so why would they exclude her? But they know that you won't come if she is there, so they don't invite you. What else did you think would happen?

OneWittySquid · 27/12/2024 09:18

Unfortunately op this one backed fired on you

category12 · 27/12/2024 09:19

DaringlyPurple · 27/12/2024 09:10

Don't ever make a close friendship with your boss. Yes, perfectly fine to be friendly at work but not socializing outside work. I don't want to manage people I am friends with - it's just too difficult in terms of when I'm being a friend and when I'm being their boss.

I am sorry but they chose Kim. She undoubtedly told her side of the story. She was no doubt more present at meet ups while you were sick and looking after a young child. Your other friends didn"t want to buy into the employment issue - it was easier to exclude you than Kim who probably came over looking sweetly reasonable. Yet another reason not to socialise with your boss.

Learn from this and move on. If you run into them while out a courteous nod in their general direction is the most you should contemplate. If Kim is still your boss be very careful doing your job perfectly and according to all the rules. Document everything and keep records. I know you've had a dreadful time and this really hurts.

She didn't, Kim got promoted or joined the organisation. They were friends before Kim was her boss.

changecandles · 27/12/2024 09:29

OP look at the situation from their POV
They may or may not have been aware of the issue. Did they? Had you confided in any of them about it from the start?

The group would have felt awkward about two members falling out. Once Kim apologised the group would have just wanted it to all go away as no one wants tension or undercurrents

Then you took a position about not being available for group meet ups if Kim was there.

The group would find that very confronting.

Remember they wouldn't be particularly affected by the issue. They would just be feeling awkward then hoping it was all resolved. Your statement made it clear to the group that you had no intention of drawing a line under it so they knew it would be awkward for a long time. They didn't want this.

As you were the one taking this position you are the one they feel is continuing the issue.

Kim was by the sounds of things the one who created the problem but to the group you are the one who wouldn't let it drop and social groups just want peace

ViciousCurrentBun · 27/12/2024 09:32

Kim apologised.

What you could have done was pick and choose get togethers without being quite so upfront and whilst the feeling was raw be selective.

You were basically saying her or me and they chose her.