I think my OH is abusing me but don’t know if I’m going mad

[Applejoker]

I don’t know where to start and I’ll try to keep it short.

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

We had an argument yesterday as when we fall out I tell him he should move back home (100 miles away) if he’s unhappy here. He shouted at me so loudly at home to never say that to him (I think it triggers him because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go). I then left for work at 6pm and he text me about 40 times saying how horrible I was and not to come home and to think about what I’d done.

I got home at 9pm and the house was in darkness and locked up. He’d screwed a screw through the door into the frame so I couldn’t get in at all. I had no coat, my dog was in the car and it was Christmas Eve.

I drove around and managed to find some takeaway food. He kept messaging me saying horrid things and saying I was the one that caused it and that I’m controlling because I told him during the day to be careful when driving my car (he dented it in the summer and I think he’s a terrible driver) and I asked him not to walk my dog in a certain area because of livestock. He says I belittle everything he does. I don’t think I do. I just feel like I do everything so I do moan about the state of the kitchen as he just caused chaos and doesn’t clean up after himself.

I pointed out that i am supporting both of us and I can’t do it anymore and he just kept on saying how much he’s done around the house and that he always cooks (which he does and I always am very grateful) and I should take time to think about how I behave.

I continued to beg to be let in the house via text but nothing and he just kept going on about other things and about how awful I am. I was freezing cold and had to wee at the side of the road, it was humiliating. Fast forward to 930am today (25th) and he said if I was calm he’d let me back in. I have to point out I was calm the whole time, I don’t shout, I just talk and he doesn’t seem to like what I say. I didn’t sleep, I was stone cold all night.

He let me in and I went straight to the bedroom to get a blanket to warm up. He then started straight away saying am I going to be nice so we can have a nice Christmas Day etc. I said you locked me out on Christmas Eve of the house I pay for so no. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he does.

He then saw red and said that’s it, you’re going back outside. Grabbed me by both arms and tried to man handle me outside but I dug down. He pushed me to the floor and took my mobile out of my pocket (which he’s done before). It’s like some mist descends over him and it’s scary.

He got me through to the dining room and had me pinned up against the wall and then I fell to the floor and just sat in the dog bed and cried. He was just shouting at me saying he just wanted to have a nice day and how I’d ruined everything.

He then seemed to calm down so I went and laid on the bed as I hadn’t slept for 25 hours. He tried to get on the bed and then said shall we open Christmas presents. It was so bizarre. He then said he was going to cook dinner. He’s been coming in and out of the bedroom all day just pretending like nothings happened. I’ve managed 2 hours sleep.

I’ve asked him to leave but he said he’s not going anywhere as he’s on the tenancy now. I have work tonight and I’m scared he’ll lock me out again so I’m taking my dog and have packed a bag with a blanket and pillow just in case.

I work so hard to keep a roof over my head and feel like I have no choice but to leave and leave all my belongings. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask if he thinks his behaviour is appropriate he blames me for being horrible but never actually answers my question. I then say do you think it’s acceptable to harm me and cause bruises and man handle me and he completely denies it. I feel like I’m going mad.

This is literally the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Also, my family live over 150 miles away and the thought of telling any friends right now just isn’t an option.

I think I’m just looking for some words of comfort and to tell me I’m not insane for thinking this relationship isn’t right.

Keep going OP, you're doing great. I wouldn't engage with him any more and don't try to reason with him or get him to see sense. You probably have enough evidence in the screen shots so do email them to yourself for future reference rather than keeping them on your phone. I was shocked that he held you down for your face ID. Like, my mouth was hanging open.

I imagine that you are feeling very confused and conflicted but what I will say is that this is his currency. He knows exactly what buttons to push and how to get you to question whether you are the problem or not. You need to have a statement or catchphrase to stand on, some kind of grounding realisation to bring you back down to earth when you feel like it's your fault and he isn't that bad really.

The best lies are the ones that are interspersed with a little truth and maybe he does take things you said or did and incorporates them into the story. However, if you really were abusive and controlling (you aren't), he doesn't get to manhandle you, lock you out and threaten to damage your property.

You can leave a relationship for any reason, even if it's not abusive. You have every right to finish things with anyone for any reason under the sun. Relationships are a two way thing and both people have to agree to be in it. If one person wants out, it's over. There's no need to have any more back and forth with him.

The relationship is over and you dont owe him anything! You dont need to prove to him how unreasonable he has been any more.

Op, what he has done to you is against the law. He has broken the law. Fwiw, if my loving husband who I've been with for 15 years did even one of the things you.mentioned, ourarriage would be over.

You need to understand that a) yes it's abuse, b) yes it's gaslighting, c) you can leave a relationship for any reason, d) you are actually free to enjoy life without him, e) you don't deserve any of this, f) normal, caring men don't respond to their partner's perceived flaws with dominance, threats, physical abuse and threats and g)he knows all of this but wants to continue to walk all over and live rent free in your house.

Break down the reality into small chunks and hold onto each one like a precious jewel for strength. You are only doubting yourself because he has crafted this situation very expertly.

Contact the police today. You are entitled to want to protect your safety and happiness. We are with you!!!!

You’re in danger, I’m sorry. Ring women’s aid before you try and leave, leaving is often the catalyst for terrible acts of abuse. Please seek advice and support now

Please phone the police, OP. He's locking you out of your property, is threatening to damage your things, and by the sound of it has been assaulting you regularly. You need him out of your life as soon as possible.

Morning OP I am glad to hear you’re safe. PLEASE report his abuse today, the police can support you but you cannot go back you are in danger. Putting his hands on you is assault and it’s likely it will only escalate - please please report him, contact women’s aid and/or a friend and keep yourself safe.

Please please don't go back until
You've spoke to police.

Oh hon, have a shower and get breakfast, check out and go to your local police station xx

Agreeing with previous posters, he sounds like he has the potential to be dangerous. He is unhinged. I don’t think you’ll be able to deal with him without involving the police and I would be worried for your safety living so remotely. You need to involve the police and ask how they can keep you safe? I bet he has done this before. You can do a Claire’s Law check on him.

What the fuck have I read????

I've be no mnet 22 years and this is one of the most horrendous things I've ever read regarding domestic abuse

Get to the police station as soon as safely possible. This man is deranged. You are not safe.

Call the police, get them to come round-in addition to removing him, they have body worn cameras on them which, if he's damaged anything will be good evidence.

Please got to the police asap (after a decent breakfast)

If it's in WhatsApp you can download the entire chat as a file. That could be emailed on to yourself or perhaps someone else so he doesn't see. Eg someone at women's aid

What I'm not sure though is if he can see if you've downloaded it in which case screenshots may be better

Calling women's aid first may help you if you're still feeling that the police is a challenge but delays things.

Also coercive and financial control.

Please get help today.
I can't stress how vital it is that you escape this situation right now.

I have been there myself several years ago.
He sounds so much like my abusive ex.
I was just the same in that I had to question myself if it was abuse. I convinced myself I was going mad.
Until the day he stood over me with a knife.

Your ex (I will refer to him as your ex because I know you will escape like I did) will be ordered to leave by the police.

Twisting it to say the victim had caused them to act in this way, is sadly what all abusers do.
Remember you have done nothing wrong
You are in this situation through no fault of your own.

The most vital thing you need to do is call the police.

But there’s also this strange part of me that feels sorry for him and I don’t want to ruin his life.

That's a misguided survival instinct, not a moral duty on you. You feel on some level that if you're good to him he won't hurt you but he has and he will and they don't change except to get worse. Protect yourself and your dog and get away from this horribly violent bastard.

Are you being exploited at work too in the non self-employed jobs? I guess they're contracts which is why you've got no holiday or sick leave/pay, or are they just low down criminals like this bastard?

Call police

Ring the police. Start the process to become safe.

You need to do this. Don't worry about ruining his life. He's the one doing it to himself.

Please ring the police.
Speak to women's aid. You e had some great advice on this thread.

OP, you're totally being abused and I suspect you're so demoralised by it you don't have the will or energy to make a stand. Please contact the police as a matter of urgency. Let them take the relevant steps to remove this monster from your life. You know that you can't take any more of this treatment. Please contact the police immediately as the first step to getting yourself out of this toxic situation.

You say you're worried about what the day will bring if you can plug up courage to go to fhe police, and I understand that. But if you don't go something far worse is going to happen as he is majorly escalating and you're going to end up seriously injured or worse.

If can't face the police you must tell family and/or friends. Get someone to go with you to collect your belongings. Presumably your family and friends care about you and would want to help.

Contact the landlord and explain the abuse. Although I think the landlord is more likely to be understanding if the police are involved.

Hi op, I'm really confused as to why you didn't call the police the first time around when he locked you out? If you haven't got your phone go to a neighbour, go to a police station, a hospital or fire station etc..

Morning @Applejoker. I hope you are doing ok today. What are you planning to do next? Do you feel up to going to the police?

Please please please call the police. And your LL or letting agent to make them aware. He needs to be forcibly removed but I don't know how easy that is. Do you have any friends you can stay with while it's being sorted?

Listen to what everyone on here is saying. Priority is to keep you and your dog safe. Go to the police.

I’ve read all your comments so far but I’m a bit confused why haven’t you called the police yet when he has refused to let you inside the home that you pay for.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you but he has to go. And if he refuses to go, take the loss, leave your stuff and you go.

Quite bluntly, you need to get away from this man before he kills you, because that’s where this is headed.

Excellent advice. First job today is speaking to the police whilst you still have the bruises. Good luck.

'Really confused'. Really?

There's only one answer to your posts - call the police.