I think my OH is abusing me but don’t know if I’m going mad

[Applejoker]

I don’t know where to start and I’ll try to keep it short.

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

We had an argument yesterday as when we fall out I tell him he should move back home (100 miles away) if he’s unhappy here. He shouted at me so loudly at home to never say that to him (I think it triggers him because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go). I then left for work at 6pm and he text me about 40 times saying how horrible I was and not to come home and to think about what I’d done.

I got home at 9pm and the house was in darkness and locked up. He’d screwed a screw through the door into the frame so I couldn’t get in at all. I had no coat, my dog was in the car and it was Christmas Eve.

I drove around and managed to find some takeaway food. He kept messaging me saying horrid things and saying I was the one that caused it and that I’m controlling because I told him during the day to be careful when driving my car (he dented it in the summer and I think he’s a terrible driver) and I asked him not to walk my dog in a certain area because of livestock. He says I belittle everything he does. I don’t think I do. I just feel like I do everything so I do moan about the state of the kitchen as he just caused chaos and doesn’t clean up after himself.

I pointed out that i am supporting both of us and I can’t do it anymore and he just kept on saying how much he’s done around the house and that he always cooks (which he does and I always am very grateful) and I should take time to think about how I behave.

I continued to beg to be let in the house via text but nothing and he just kept going on about other things and about how awful I am. I was freezing cold and had to wee at the side of the road, it was humiliating. Fast forward to 930am today (25th) and he said if I was calm he’d let me back in. I have to point out I was calm the whole time, I don’t shout, I just talk and he doesn’t seem to like what I say. I didn’t sleep, I was stone cold all night.

He let me in and I went straight to the bedroom to get a blanket to warm up. He then started straight away saying am I going to be nice so we can have a nice Christmas Day etc. I said you locked me out on Christmas Eve of the house I pay for so no. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he does.

He then saw red and said that’s it, you’re going back outside. Grabbed me by both arms and tried to man handle me outside but I dug down. He pushed me to the floor and took my mobile out of my pocket (which he’s done before). It’s like some mist descends over him and it’s scary.

He got me through to the dining room and had me pinned up against the wall and then I fell to the floor and just sat in the dog bed and cried. He was just shouting at me saying he just wanted to have a nice day and how I’d ruined everything.

He then seemed to calm down so I went and laid on the bed as I hadn’t slept for 25 hours. He tried to get on the bed and then said shall we open Christmas presents. It was so bizarre. He then said he was going to cook dinner. He’s been coming in and out of the bedroom all day just pretending like nothings happened. I’ve managed 2 hours sleep.

I’ve asked him to leave but he said he’s not going anywhere as he’s on the tenancy now. I have work tonight and I’m scared he’ll lock me out again so I’m taking my dog and have packed a bag with a blanket and pillow just in case.

I work so hard to keep a roof over my head and feel like I have no choice but to leave and leave all my belongings. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask if he thinks his behaviour is appropriate he blames me for being horrible but never actually answers my question. I then say do you think it’s acceptable to harm me and cause bruises and man handle me and he completely denies it. I feel like I’m going mad.

This is literally the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Also, my family live over 150 miles away and the thought of telling any friends right now just isn’t an option.

I think I’m just looking for some words of comfort and to tell me I’m not insane for thinking this relationship isn’t right.

Thank you all again for your support. I tried to go home to collect some documents but he’d locked the door again and the tv was blaring. I peered through a gap in the curtain from outside and he was on the sofa. I think he was asleep as he’d been drinking heavily.

I had packed a bag and left it in the van. I drove an hour and am now in a hotel with the dog. Not an expense I need but at least I have a warm bed for the night.

I’m exhausted and worried what tomorrow will bring if I can pluck the courage to go to the police.

So pleased that you are safe for tonight.
Please go to the police tomorrow.

He cannot legally bar you from the house, police will help you if you go to them. They can force entry if required and can arrest him for the assault on you.

I so glad you are in a safe place for tonight. Please don't go back home unless you have someone with you and you have informed the police. This is absolutely not a normal relationship. I'm worried for your safety if you return alone. I bet any money he's done this before in relationships. Please listen to us on here. There is lots of experience from many posters and they can help you with each step. But you need help. Phone any of the organisations listed on here and please report him to the police xxx

OP you really need to report him to the police. This man is dangerous and will kill you
Please listen to the advice given.

I'm glad you're somewhere safe, but please go to the police and get this man out of your home and your life. He sounds very very dangerous.

That’s extremely abusive, I’m so sorry OP. Please take photos of your bruises and go to the police in the morning, they will help you get this cunt out of your home.

Please report it - that one action could save another woman’s life, even if you choose not to press charges (though I hope you do). I am sure others will back me up on that?

Well done on everything you’ve managed so far to regain your dignity and safety. There is no shame in what’s happened to you.

I hope you feel a huge weight lifting by seeing the situation for what it is, after being degraded and manipulated for so long.

Please don’t feel shame in what’s happened. I also once found myself in a very compromised position in a relationship (thought not nearly as bad or dangerous as yours), and feared telling anyone for months. When I finally did, at complete breaking point, I was amazed by the sympathy and support I received. It was like becoming human again and I have never looked back. You come across as very honest and direct - just tell people what has happened, and don’t be afraid. They will respect you.

I don’t want to create a distraction with this but I want to say for full disclosure that I am male (I started reading MN as it helped me understand the relationship problems I was having at the time, but I never post). But I was so outraged by reading about your OH’s behaviour that I felt compelled to add my support.

Hello @Applejoker , I think you now realise you are in a domestic violence situation. I have been in your situation. My ex who I stayed with for 4.5yrs was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive towards me.

I really hope this is the moment that you know that this relationship must end now. I strongly urge you NOT to attempt to go back to your home. As soon as you wake up, I strongly urge you to go straight to a police station and make a statement detailing all of the abuse that you have been subjected too. Try not to leave anything out (I know this is hard). They will be able to advise you if you can apply for a restraining or non-molestation order. They will also offer assistance with removing your belongings, please DO NOT go back to your home without a police escort with this. When my ex returned to our home whilst out on bail he used his visit back to collect belongings as another opportunity to abuse me, as his step-father escort just waited outside in the car.

You are in a very dangerous situation with this man, and you need to know just how dangerous this situation is. It is so hard to see the severity of the situation yourself when you are living it. If we could see the severity, many of us wouldn't stay with these monsters anywhere near as long as we do.

Then, please contact your Landlord ASAP, and either tell him that you've had to flee your home due to domestic violence and to end your tenancy as a matter of urgency (you could tell them you have a crime reference number to help you get out of it without a financial penalty). Or get police and landlord support to get that monster removed from your home. It will be safer to move somewhere new though.

Please understand the severity of this situation, this monster is unhinged and highly dangerous. It is imperative that you go to the police as a matter of urgency, it really is.

I really regret not involving the police sooner, please do not make the same mistakes that some of us have.

Please keep posting when it's safe to do so to let us know you are safe, and to ask for any further support from us.

He sounds awful. You need to report what he has done to police & you might find he has previous history of this sort of behaviour. Sorry you have to work so many hours to just get by & have nothing left. However you would be better off alone as at least you wouldn't be paying for his food or to have heating on when you're at work.

It sounds like he has put pressure on you to add him to the tenancy & now he's on it he is throwing his weight around trying to be in charge.

If it's private I would try to get my own name off it & leave him to it. If it's council then go to them & see about getting him taken off or see if they can offer something different.

Every time I come on here I'm astounded by the behaviour of men & how they treat their partners.

Morning everyone. It’s 0545 and I’ve woken to a barrage of messages telling me I’m disgusting and obviously had planned to stay in a hotel because I had my bag packed. He messaged me last night accusing me of being with another man so I told him I’ve had to stay in a hotel due to his behaviour and he’s now twisted it around and sent me lots of messages saying I’m abusive and controlling and it was my plan all along and all he’s done all day is let me sleep whilst he cooked for me (which he didn’t).

It’s utter madness the way he denies what he’s done to me and then tells me it’s all me and I’m a disgusting person. I feel like I’m going mad. Is this what gaslighting is?! I’ve never experienced it before and it’s so odd to deny things you’ve actually done.

Ive been screenshotting all his messages as he has a tendency to delete them after sending them and I’ve saved them in a hidden folder as he has previously grappled with me to get my phone and pinned me down to open it with my Face ID and deleted the screenshots.

I also had a ring door bell (for my own security as my home is very remote with no neighbours for some distance) and indoor camera (so I could check on the dog whilst working) and he threw the ring door bell over into the woods and has taken the indoor camera too.

Writing it all down, I realise this is not normal. He says he loves me and I’m the one causing the issues by controlling him and belittling him. But there’s also this strange part of me that feels sorry for him and I don’t want to ruin his life.

OP you need to fix this TODAY. Call the police (or go to the station) and explain the situation and get him removed. You are working 5 jobs to pay for a property that you are locked out of. This is most definitely abuse. If you don’t fix this now then when? You can’t live in constant fear. You don’t want to ruin his life but you’re letting him ruin yours? No, it’s time to put yourself first. Please go to the police today. Wishing you luck 💐

Please put yourself first and go to the police today. You don’t know what he has planned for you next. His behaviour is escalating, possibly because he feels his grip on you is loosening, and the only way to keep you under his control is to ramp up the abuse.

Please OP, please please call the police...get them to help you get him out of there. Show them all the screen shots. Show them this thread. And call friends/family for support.

He is gaslighting and abusing you 100%. He's making you second guess yourself and it's going to drive you mad and completely destroy you. He doesn't love you. This isn't love at all. He's dangerous. Get him out of there and report all of this to the police. Please look after yourself, and please don't be embarrassed or ashamed about any of this. It is NOT your fault. xx

I’m so sorry OP his behaviour is vile and of course 100% abuse

please go to the police, they will help you. Sending love and a handhold, get this piece of shit out of your house and look after yourself

Why are you not calling the police?

He sounds unhinged and could seriously harm you and your lovely dog.

Call the police.

Set up a new email address (yahoo, gmail, etc.) and send the screenshots to yourself. Do it on a browser rather than an app so you won’t have it on your phone. That way he can’t delete them. Turn off your location - I presume that’s how he found you at the hotel.

Men are at heir most dangerous when they realize they’ve lost their hold on you, and this man has a lot to lose as you’re his meal ticket - provider of his rent and bills - so he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep hold of you, even if it includes mental torture and beating you into submission.

You really need to go to the police, for your own safety, and so you can get access to your property. Please do this. Do not underestimate the risk you are exposed to and the very high likelihood of the violence escalating. Do not engage with him any further

Call the police.
Fuck his life.
Call the police and get him locked up.
Your messages and call log are more than enough grounds for them to act.
Love and chocolate OP, to you and your four-legged friend.
Call the police.

He sounds completely unhinged . Grab your dog and your belongings and get as far away as you can .

OP this is 100% abuse and it sounds like it will escalate. How dare he treat you like this.

• pack an emergency bag (money, ID, keys, anything you need to get out the house quickly)
• make sure your phone is charged up and always with you
• if you worry about an argument, stay by a doorway if you can and AVOID the kitchen
• call the police - he is refusing to leave and has used physical violence and COERCIVE & CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR
• speak to your landlord to get him removed from the tenancy
• download the Hollie Guard app
• block him or change your phone number, change your email address and social media and online banking passwords
• ask the police to put a critical marker on the house
• apply for a DVDS (Claire's law disclosure) to see his history as I will bet you he has done this to another woman before
• apply for a non molestation order (police can do this for you or you can apply via NCDV.com)
• speak to your landlord about changing the locks, adding an alarm, getting a video doorbell
• contact women's aid or speak to your local domestic abuse service and tell them you need IDVA support

Good luck OP, sending you a big hug x

This morning go straight to the police station and get that fucker out of your life.
You probably will have to move as your house is remote and you may not be safe.
Start a new life without this prick in it.
Go now!!

Also, true victims and survivors of domestic abuse DO NOT send multiple messages blaming and accusing their other half of being abusive. This is what abusers do to gaslight the victim and make them to scared to speak up and report them. He knows exactly what he is doing to you. There is also a risk of him cuckooing you by driving you out of your own house, please please call the police xx

You don’t want to ruin his life? He’s going to end yours if you stay in this situation much longer.

I really want to come round and sort this moron out on a permanant basis for you and your dog.
Would 100% be happening if you were my dd,

@Tiswa did you really mean to post this?