I think my OH is abusing me but don’t know if I’m going mad

[Applejoker]

I don’t know where to start and I’ll try to keep it short.

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

We had an argument yesterday as when we fall out I tell him he should move back home (100 miles away) if he’s unhappy here. He shouted at me so loudly at home to never say that to him (I think it triggers him because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go). I then left for work at 6pm and he text me about 40 times saying how horrible I was and not to come home and to think about what I’d done.

I got home at 9pm and the house was in darkness and locked up. He’d screwed a screw through the door into the frame so I couldn’t get in at all. I had no coat, my dog was in the car and it was Christmas Eve.

I drove around and managed to find some takeaway food. He kept messaging me saying horrid things and saying I was the one that caused it and that I’m controlling because I told him during the day to be careful when driving my car (he dented it in the summer and I think he’s a terrible driver) and I asked him not to walk my dog in a certain area because of livestock. He says I belittle everything he does. I don’t think I do. I just feel like I do everything so I do moan about the state of the kitchen as he just caused chaos and doesn’t clean up after himself.

I pointed out that i am supporting both of us and I can’t do it anymore and he just kept on saying how much he’s done around the house and that he always cooks (which he does and I always am very grateful) and I should take time to think about how I behave.

I continued to beg to be let in the house via text but nothing and he just kept going on about other things and about how awful I am. I was freezing cold and had to wee at the side of the road, it was humiliating. Fast forward to 930am today (25th) and he said if I was calm he’d let me back in. I have to point out I was calm the whole time, I don’t shout, I just talk and he doesn’t seem to like what I say. I didn’t sleep, I was stone cold all night.

He let me in and I went straight to the bedroom to get a blanket to warm up. He then started straight away saying am I going to be nice so we can have a nice Christmas Day etc. I said you locked me out on Christmas Eve of the house I pay for so no. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he does.

He then saw red and said that’s it, you’re going back outside. Grabbed me by both arms and tried to man handle me outside but I dug down. He pushed me to the floor and took my mobile out of my pocket (which he’s done before). It’s like some mist descends over him and it’s scary.

He got me through to the dining room and had me pinned up against the wall and then I fell to the floor and just sat in the dog bed and cried. He was just shouting at me saying he just wanted to have a nice day and how I’d ruined everything.

He then seemed to calm down so I went and laid on the bed as I hadn’t slept for 25 hours. He tried to get on the bed and then said shall we open Christmas presents. It was so bizarre. He then said he was going to cook dinner. He’s been coming in and out of the bedroom all day just pretending like nothings happened. I’ve managed 2 hours sleep.

I’ve asked him to leave but he said he’s not going anywhere as he’s on the tenancy now. I have work tonight and I’m scared he’ll lock me out again so I’m taking my dog and have packed a bag with a blanket and pillow just in case.

I work so hard to keep a roof over my head and feel like I have no choice but to leave and leave all my belongings. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask if he thinks his behaviour is appropriate he blames me for being horrible but never actually answers my question. I then say do you think it’s acceptable to harm me and cause bruises and man handle me and he completely denies it. I feel like I’m going mad.

This is literally the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Also, my family live over 150 miles away and the thought of telling any friends right now just isn’t an option.

I think I’m just looking for some words of comfort and to tell me I’m not insane for thinking this relationship isn’t right.

You can actually have him removed and an order for him to not return if he is abusive, which he is. He's coercing you and he's physically abusive

Please, please, do not return to this man. Block him and don't let him reel you back in. I'm so sorry this is happening to you 😔

OP well-done for getting away. He is very dangerous and his behaviour us escalating so please do not go near him again. Get yourself somewhere safe. Please do not feel shame about this. The shame is all on him for his incredibly abusive behaviour

This man is a useless , abusive parasitic violent Scrote.

Definitely call police @Applejoker ( I know you have turned off notifications, but as this parasitic man isn’t paying his way, you need to get out from the tenancy as soon as possible.

If he’s damaged the property you need to be off that tenancy as you don’t want to be liable for damages and unpaid rent.

Stay single!
There are too many Arsehole men around looking to live off hard working women.

I’m at adult son’s overnight , Op, and just mentioned your issue, and son said your partner is a leeching tick. ( bloodsucker)

He was shocked and thinks it’s right and safe that you have left and thinks your partner is lazy and “crazy”.

If this ever to gets to court, for whatever reason, and the OPs douche bag wants to be difficult, OP will need to show evidence that she took steps to keep him informed and communicated to him.

If the rent backs up and the landlord sues and it ends up in small claims and his defence is,
"She never told me she was leaving, so I never knew I had to pay..."
And she can prove that she told him, she's in a much better position.

Same as the possessions.
"I didn't know she was coming back for them so I disposed of them..."
If Op can prove she told him she was going to collect them, she's in a much better position.

Same as the harassment
"She never told me not to contact her..."
If Op can prove she did tell him in no uncertain terms.. she's in a much better position..

And so on and so on.

Do not, ever ever EVER assume someone won't drag you through a court proceeding, they will, it's a tool for revenge for abusers. Some will even try and turn it back on their victim as a final act of abuse and to cause anxiety and stress.

So yes, laying things out clearly and concisely and keeping screen shots of the messages is in OPs best interest.

If she follows your advice and doesn't tell him anything, that goes directly against OPs best interests and could lead to her being in all kinds of shit...

Good luck OP. I think you are braver and stronger than you think. Stay safe x

Given the updates it sounds like this has been going in for a while please call womens aid or other services for advice re: your home and possessions.
I hope your day with family is safe

Yes, it is abuse - serious abuse. That man is dangerous. You need him out of your home and out of your life asap but you need to be careful how you do that; others on here will know better than me what you need to plan etc. Wishing you well, OP, I am so sorry that you have been treated like this.

Yes and the police will drive out to where ever you are staying.

I reported my ex to the police 6 weeks after he attacked me and I left. I didnt even want to report him, like the OP i left everything and just wanted to get away. He bombarded me with calls, texts, emails, created new accounts to contact me ect.

The final straw for reporting him was when he emailed me saying If I didnt transfer him £50 he would make a statement to the police about me assaulting him!? He attacked me whilst I held our 6 month old baby 🤦‍♀️

He was arrested, it went to court. Found guilty and me and DC have so far had almost 8 lovely years away from him

@NunyaBeeswax Good advice!
OP follow the advice to protect yourself.

I'm so pleased to hear you are going to your family's.

That takes so much courage and strength.

I truly think your life was in danger. Please call the police and report him.

2025 will be your year!!!!!! A fresh start and a new era. Keep your head up high, you sound like a remarkable person! Xx

This is very confused. Court for what? For assault? No she doesn’t need to show evidence she kept him informed. Indeed that is contrary to all advice about leaving an abusive man and could undermine her case. It indicates she is not afraid to let him know she’s leaving.

For breach of rental agreement? She shouldn’t need to but if it did OP has any issue she was simply the advised steps to leaving an abusive partner.

Do not EVER assume an abusive partner will not attack you if you tell them you’re leaving. It’s one of the biggest flashpoints for abuse. And that’s why it’s better to leave in secret. If OP has to go back for her possessions she requests a police presence to “prevent a breach of the peace”.

This person had an emotionally abusive upbringing. It seems that’s what his brain knows as love. Trauma bonds often rear their ugly heads at important times of the year like Christmas.
please call the police and have a non-contact order put in place.

You don’t know ( none of us do) what background the Arsehole had.
MANY people who had abusive , violent childhoods don’t act like this.

Do not EVER assume an abusive partner will not attack you if you tell them you’re leaving. It’s one of the biggest flashpoints for abuse. And that’s why it’s better to leave in secret. If OP has to go back for her possessions she requests a police presence to “prevent a breach of the peace”.

So it's obvious you didn't read my other post then isn't it, so maybe you should do that.
Fwiw I said yesterday at 6pm

Find a place to stay, a friend, a family member, parents, Airbnb if necessary.

Don't return.

So I've suggested she doesn't go back. She can't be attacked if she isn't there.
I also said:

Also let him know that you'll be arranging with the police to escort you to collect your things

Which you yourself have no suggested making it obvious you didn't read my post.

And my post isn't confused at all.
Anyone that's lived through similar to OP may know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't, lucky you.

I don't know why you've singled my post out and took issue with someone agreeing with me, especially when it's obvious you didn't actually read it. But it's boxing day have a cookie.

OP if you do check back in at some point please let us know that you are safely with your family. Well done - what you did today took huge courage. Your safety is all that matters in the end.

When you have discussed with police, you will know what the way forward is. As it's a HA tenancy - talk to them after the police to work through options with them, don't simply surrender your tenancy, they may be able to rehouse you.

I did. And yet here you are advising she tells him that she’s leaving, tells him she’s coming to collect her possessions.

It won’t be difficult for him to find her at friends? 75% of women murdered by their partner are killed affer they leave the relationship.

She needs to tackle the tenancy agreement correctly but that’s a no brainer. She will have to pay the rent until she is formally off the agreement or out of the property.

OP if you go to friends and family in real life, you will get a range of responses but hopefully they will all be with the same intention - helping you get away from this dangerous and abusive man. If you were my friend and you told me what you have shared on here, I would do everything possible to stop you going back there, even if it meant telling you some cold hard truths. Don't let posts that you feel are negative, stop you from doing what you need to.

Yes I apologise, on reflection that's probably a terrible suggestion from me. Agree with you completely

Just wanted to say well done for getting out - I would advise you to never go back to him. You deserve so much better. Wishing you all the best x

I don't know if you will see this @Applejoker but well done to you. You've realised what he is and taken action. That must have been very hard. Best of luck for the future.

I read all this with such sadness for you. No one deserves to be treated this way. You absolutely MUST contact the police, with your evidence, so it's documented. As others have said, you might end up being liable for any damage he does. Get in touch with your landlord. Cover yourself! I wish you happier and safer times from this moment on. Leave this man in the past before he really hurts you. Let us know how you are xx