I think my OH is abusing me but don’t know if I’m going mad

[Applejoker]

I don’t know where to start and I’ll try to keep it short.

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

We had an argument yesterday as when we fall out I tell him he should move back home (100 miles away) if he’s unhappy here. He shouted at me so loudly at home to never say that to him (I think it triggers him because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go). I then left for work at 6pm and he text me about 40 times saying how horrible I was and not to come home and to think about what I’d done.

I got home at 9pm and the house was in darkness and locked up. He’d screwed a screw through the door into the frame so I couldn’t get in at all. I had no coat, my dog was in the car and it was Christmas Eve.

I drove around and managed to find some takeaway food. He kept messaging me saying horrid things and saying I was the one that caused it and that I’m controlling because I told him during the day to be careful when driving my car (he dented it in the summer and I think he’s a terrible driver) and I asked him not to walk my dog in a certain area because of livestock. He says I belittle everything he does. I don’t think I do. I just feel like I do everything so I do moan about the state of the kitchen as he just caused chaos and doesn’t clean up after himself.

I pointed out that i am supporting both of us and I can’t do it anymore and he just kept on saying how much he’s done around the house and that he always cooks (which he does and I always am very grateful) and I should take time to think about how I behave.

I continued to beg to be let in the house via text but nothing and he just kept going on about other things and about how awful I am. I was freezing cold and had to wee at the side of the road, it was humiliating. Fast forward to 930am today (25th) and he said if I was calm he’d let me back in. I have to point out I was calm the whole time, I don’t shout, I just talk and he doesn’t seem to like what I say. I didn’t sleep, I was stone cold all night.

He let me in and I went straight to the bedroom to get a blanket to warm up. He then started straight away saying am I going to be nice so we can have a nice Christmas Day etc. I said you locked me out on Christmas Eve of the house I pay for so no. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he does.

He then saw red and said that’s it, you’re going back outside. Grabbed me by both arms and tried to man handle me outside but I dug down. He pushed me to the floor and took my mobile out of my pocket (which he’s done before). It’s like some mist descends over him and it’s scary.

He got me through to the dining room and had me pinned up against the wall and then I fell to the floor and just sat in the dog bed and cried. He was just shouting at me saying he just wanted to have a nice day and how I’d ruined everything.

He then seemed to calm down so I went and laid on the bed as I hadn’t slept for 25 hours. He tried to get on the bed and then said shall we open Christmas presents. It was so bizarre. He then said he was going to cook dinner. He’s been coming in and out of the bedroom all day just pretending like nothings happened. I’ve managed 2 hours sleep.

I’ve asked him to leave but he said he’s not going anywhere as he’s on the tenancy now. I have work tonight and I’m scared he’ll lock me out again so I’m taking my dog and have packed a bag with a blanket and pillow just in case.

I work so hard to keep a roof over my head and feel like I have no choice but to leave and leave all my belongings. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask if he thinks his behaviour is appropriate he blames me for being horrible but never actually answers my question. I then say do you think it’s acceptable to harm me and cause bruises and man handle me and he completely denies it. I feel like I’m going mad.

This is literally the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Also, my family live over 150 miles away and the thought of telling any friends right now just isn’t an option.

I think I’m just looking for some words of comfort and to tell me I’m not insane for thinking this relationship isn’t right.

Please, please call the police now. At the very least, they should be able to escort you back into your home and let you remove your possessions from the property.

(A neighbour of mine got the police to accompay her back into her flat so she could retrieve her possessions as she was leaving her abusive partner.)

But they should arrest him for assault. Please, please tell them what he's done to you, in full, and don't be tempted to withdraw your complaint later.

There is no way you can remain in this "relationship". The only question is how you are going to get out of it safely. The police will help.

Op please call the police. We'll be here with you every step of the way. He sounds dangerous.

@Applejoker please get as far away as you can, then report to the police. Even a women's refuge if need be. This man is dangerous. No guesswork needed, from everything you've said, he is dangerous. He's taken your phone off you, your CCTV cameras thrown away because he knows this is domestic violence and abuse, he laid hands on you and forced you out your own home. It's not even worth doing a Clares law on him because you should not go back anywhere near him. But report it to the police because if it's not you, I believe he will eventually hurt someone else pretty bad or worse kill then. He is the type. You need to speak to your landlord and get him taken off the tenancy otherwise you will stop paying rent. This guy has likely planned all of this. Free house, free mummy to look after him, beat you up to keep you in line. For God's sake women you are working 5 jobs...! Presumably while he does pretty much FA. You need to work on yourself after all of this is done to recognize the red flags before you even think of walking into another relationship, given your ex has gone to prison. Your safety is paramount.

OP you can apply through the family court for an emergency Occupation Order which means he is barred from the property. Even if you don’t want to stay living there longer term, it means you can get your documents, protect your belongings and have some peace of mind while you decide what to do next. Women’s Aid can help you apply for this; also for a Non-Molestation Order which will keep him away from you. As lots of posters have said, you should report the abuse to the police. Take some time to protect and take care of yourself right now, this is the priority.

For those saying they're "really confused" as to why she hasn't called the police yet - perpetrators are excellent at convincing their victims that the abuse isn't happening or that it's somehow their fault. Other reasons could be

• they are isolated from friends and family
• they have been left with no self esteem and have been convinced they will be worse off without the perpetrator in their lives
• they worry about consequences for reporting them to the police or trying to leave the relationship
• they have been convinced they will be in trouble for wasting police time or be told they are actually the abuser
• they are financially dependent on the abuser (although that isn't the case with this situation)

Op, you've have 100s of messages. Go back to the home town and into a police station!!!! Honestly, a one hour brief interview and he will be arrested. I know it's difficult but you need to do this TODAY!!!!!

@applejoker it is always worth doing a Claire's law disclosure - that way she has the information first hand and knows the truth he can't lie about it. It also helps validate the victims understanding that the problem is clearly the abusers behaviour and they have a history of this behaviour, and not something that she has done - because they will alway try to blame the victim rather than taking responsibility for their actions.

call the police

@Applejoker I think it is very concerning that he has ripped off all the cameras in your house. I agree with others that you are in danger. He has properly lost it by the sound of it.

Which one do you care more about, your life or his reputation? His reputation will be ruined anyway if he ends up killing you. So why bother protecting him now?

Don't go back on your own. Accept the fact that this is happening and you have to deal with whats in front of you.

She explained she’s currently at work.

Please don't go back to your home alone op. I really feel it will be dangerous for you. When you leave the hotel, go to the police and have them escort you. Then you can get some stuff together and either leave with conviction or have him removed to give you more time. Even with bail conditions I still wouldn't feel particularly safe with him knowing your whereabouts at this point.

You know this isn't normal however I don't think you've accepted how much danger you could be in here.

OP, call the police, keep your dog with you at all times and get the police to make him leave. This is absolutely abuse and this man sounds dangerous and horrible. You don't deserve any of this and there is a way out.

The charity Women's Aid will be able to give you good advice over the phone, please call them.

Keep yourself and your dog safe

Sod that! Do it! Did the indoor camera manage to catch any of him throwing you to the floor, or even any of the noise?

this is absolutely not ok :( is there any aid charities you can go to, to help? Xx

How to apply for an occupation order
In order to make an application for an occupation order, a Form FL401 entitled “Application for: a non molestation order/an application for an occupation order” must be completed and lodged at the Court. There is currently no fee payable to the Court to issue an application.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-a-non-molestation-or-occupation-order-fl401

@YourGladSquid How long does it take to ring the police though? This should be top priority

I am trying to count my blessings that I can't imagine what the OP is going through, but I am starting to agree with @OCDmama .

OP this is really sad and worrying . Please find the courage to tell someone in real life - the more ppl you can tell the better - this takes some of his power away and will keep you safer . There is no shame in how he is treating you, it is a reflection of him not you . What an arsehole . Sending love and strength

Hopefully this, then go home and change the locks!!

Op do you have any preferably male family Or friends who could escort you to pick up your stuff today? I mean a group of people, I really don't think you should ever go back there alone while he is there, it is not safe.

Call the police this morning and have him removed then change the locks etc. Try and see if someone can stay with you.

Honestly I'd help any friend or family member or even any neighbour or acquaintance who was in this situation, you must tell people and ask for help op you cant do this alone.

This guy is a psycho.

How unhelpful . It's not quite that simple and anyone that understands anything about DV knows that !

He's dangerous. Get away from him op, please.

It’s messages like this that make me doubt myself and cripple me with anxiety that people think I’m intentionally ‘winding you up’

This is hard. I’m doing my best. I came here to help gleem some support as I’m too ashamed to approach friends and family and as pathetic as it sounds I don’t want to ruin their christmases.

I am going to go to the police, I’m trying to pull myself together as it terrifies me in case they don’t believe me and I’m then in a worse situation.

For everyone that’s given me words of encouragement and support I thank you immensely (including the lovely gentleman that posted and those who have experienced this themselves).

Hi OP. I have experience in this area and just wanted to say-

You needn't worry if you contact police that he will somehow turn this around on you and convince them you are the abuser. Police are very experienced in dealing with these matters and this is a common tactic. Many victims worry that the abuser will charm the police and they will be the person getting in trouble instead. This won't happen.

Based on what you have said- if you report to police he will be arrested. This isn't dependent on you giving a statement or not at the time of the report. If you tell them the details you have here that will be enough to arrest him and you can think about giving a statement.

He will be arrested and interviewed. The most likely outcome is that he would be bailed with conditions not to go near you/the house until the investigation is concluded. I have no idea of his history and that comes into play as well, he could have previous for similar for all any of us know here. But bail conditions not to be near you should be the bare minimum. The other option the police have is to issue a DVPN and apply to court for a DVPO which will also give you protection from him, this happens when there isn't enough evidence for a criminal investigation.

All you need to do is call police, go on their live chat (most forces have this) or turn up at a police station. I know it's not easy but believe me, you will be believed and it will be taken very seriously.

He sounds very, very dangerous and I am worried about your safety. As I said, I work in this area.

It might not feel real, but you are in danger. Do not go back to the house alone. Please involve the police. His denials are DARVO - google it, it's a well known tactic. The police should recognise it and believe you. Stay safe, tell your family.