I think my OH is abusing me but don’t know if I’m going mad

[Applejoker]

I don’t know where to start and I’ll try to keep it short.

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

We had an argument yesterday as when we fall out I tell him he should move back home (100 miles away) if he’s unhappy here. He shouted at me so loudly at home to never say that to him (I think it triggers him because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go). I then left for work at 6pm and he text me about 40 times saying how horrible I was and not to come home and to think about what I’d done.

I got home at 9pm and the house was in darkness and locked up. He’d screwed a screw through the door into the frame so I couldn’t get in at all. I had no coat, my dog was in the car and it was Christmas Eve.

I drove around and managed to find some takeaway food. He kept messaging me saying horrid things and saying I was the one that caused it and that I’m controlling because I told him during the day to be careful when driving my car (he dented it in the summer and I think he’s a terrible driver) and I asked him not to walk my dog in a certain area because of livestock. He says I belittle everything he does. I don’t think I do. I just feel like I do everything so I do moan about the state of the kitchen as he just caused chaos and doesn’t clean up after himself.

I pointed out that i am supporting both of us and I can’t do it anymore and he just kept on saying how much he’s done around the house and that he always cooks (which he does and I always am very grateful) and I should take time to think about how I behave.

I continued to beg to be let in the house via text but nothing and he just kept going on about other things and about how awful I am. I was freezing cold and had to wee at the side of the road, it was humiliating. Fast forward to 930am today (25th) and he said if I was calm he’d let me back in. I have to point out I was calm the whole time, I don’t shout, I just talk and he doesn’t seem to like what I say. I didn’t sleep, I was stone cold all night.

He let me in and I went straight to the bedroom to get a blanket to warm up. He then started straight away saying am I going to be nice so we can have a nice Christmas Day etc. I said you locked me out on Christmas Eve of the house I pay for so no. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he does.

He then saw red and said that’s it, you’re going back outside. Grabbed me by both arms and tried to man handle me outside but I dug down. He pushed me to the floor and took my mobile out of my pocket (which he’s done before). It’s like some mist descends over him and it’s scary.

He got me through to the dining room and had me pinned up against the wall and then I fell to the floor and just sat in the dog bed and cried. He was just shouting at me saying he just wanted to have a nice day and how I’d ruined everything.

He then seemed to calm down so I went and laid on the bed as I hadn’t slept for 25 hours. He tried to get on the bed and then said shall we open Christmas presents. It was so bizarre. He then said he was going to cook dinner. He’s been coming in and out of the bedroom all day just pretending like nothings happened. I’ve managed 2 hours sleep.

I’ve asked him to leave but he said he’s not going anywhere as he’s on the tenancy now. I have work tonight and I’m scared he’ll lock me out again so I’m taking my dog and have packed a bag with a blanket and pillow just in case.

I work so hard to keep a roof over my head and feel like I have no choice but to leave and leave all my belongings. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask if he thinks his behaviour is appropriate he blames me for being horrible but never actually answers my question. I then say do you think it’s acceptable to harm me and cause bruises and man handle me and he completely denies it. I feel like I’m going mad.

This is literally the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Also, my family live over 150 miles away and the thought of telling any friends right now just isn’t an option.

I think I’m just looking for some words of comfort and to tell me I’m not insane for thinking this relationship isn’t right.

Please, please stop blaming yourself, OP! Get him out of your life. From what you've described, I think you meed to speak to the police.

Please please please do not sleep in your car again! If the police arrest him you can sleep in your own bed. They can escort you home. And tomorrow you just pack and leave.

Can you ask for time off from your jobs due to this “personal crisis”? Talk to your Manager if you can.
Or call Women’s Aid as people have suggested.

But don’t be cold in your car, please.

I am so sorry this is awful !
He is a user , abuser and gaslighting you.

Call women’s aid whipe your at work
and possibly the police.
Id call the police if he locked you out again .

Do you what to remain in the house and him to leave or do you think it’s best you look for another rental.
Please end it with this man but you will need support to do so .
FIND YOUR STRENGTH ❤️

Do not go home. Drive straight to the police. You and/or your dog are going to end up dead. I am in no way joking. This man is abusing you horribly and is dangerous.

Another vote for the police, now. He is a violent abuser and he's escalating. Please don't stay with him tonight and get him out of your life as soon as you can.

Can you get off the tenancy?
If he won't leave (which he should I agree) then you should because he is abusive.
You are the one with the job so just stop supporting him.
Rent a bedsit somewhere whilst you sort yourself out and save for the deposit in somewhere better.
You can do this! You owe this man nothing.
Speak to your landlord about how you want to leave the tenancy. Don't tell your partner until you've sorted it all.. make sure you have a friend with you, make sure you have anything you might need in a bag with you in case he goes nuts and you have to leave quickly.
If he ever lays hands on you again contact the police.. you could even contact the police right now about what he's done already if you feel up to it.
This is abuse.
Please do not be guilted or manipulated. You owe this man absolutely nothing. It doesn't matter if he has nowhere else to go, that's not your issue. Please find your strength and anger. You can end this. You are the one who can actually support themselves.

Dear god. This is the sort of piece of shit that I would be at risk of putting a pillow over in his sleep.

He is a monstrous abuser and you have to call the Police and recognise this man is abusing you.

@Applejoker
I've pm'd you OP

You poor lady.Yes this is abuse, do you have any male friends, family that can help you if you call the police?Maybe be there with you?
I hope you get away from him.You are working 5 jobs, to keep a roof ober your head?
I wish you a better new year.

I don't get that. Is that a council house, and you had it as a single woman? What kind of tenancy it is?

Myself and my husband are both emergency service workers. I am also a DV victim of a previous relationship. I am begging you to call the police. I am hoping you will find a police officer like myself with empathy who will give you some strength. I totally understand why you are doubting yourself and your character but I assure you this IS abuse. It WILL get worse. This is NOT your fault.

I'm so sorry. This is awful. Poor you. Police.

Re dealing with the police. Insist they record it as a crime and give you a reference number. If they don't investigate they need to give you a detailed reason why and you can use that to complain. Sadly they don't always do what they should on the first call. DO NOT be put off by a poor response from them.

Please stay safe op.

You've had some good advice here.

Please let us know you are safe. Please contact woman's aid ASAP.

Call the police. He has assaulted you. They will remove him from the house, I've had to do this in the past. They took the keys off my abusive ex and gave them back to me so I knew he couldn't just come in.

Please call them, they are there to help you

Can you get him taken off the tenancy.
Get the police to remove him.
Not your problem if he has no where to go.
If he threatens suicide ignore him, this type do it to manipulate you.

You are not moaning. Stay in your van tonight. Get your things tomorrow and leave. Be safe

Get out. Do whatever you have to do. OP, please please listen to all of us. Get out.

Nobody is going to think less of you for this. People will just want you to be safe, including your family and friends. In fact, if I knew that someone I loved slept in a van in the cold of winter to avoid being abused because they didn't want to spoil my Christmas, I would be heartbroken. Silence and secrecy give abusers power. Confiding in someone will be stripping away one more layer of his control.

I also agree that you need to go to the police, move out and end the tenancy and leave him with it. If you don't want to stay with family, can you afford a hotel? You can get through this, but don't let it continue. You have to put a stop to it but we are all with you ❤️

This is domestic abuse with the psychological and physical abuse that's going on. Please, please, please call the police and women's aid.

This may be true and you need to be prepared for every threat and type of manipulation under the sun.

If he whips out the suicide threat, remember that he will do absolutely anything to get you in line, so you have to think long term and hold your nerve.You can do it x

This is shocking, I’m appalled that you’re going through this OP.

Everyone else has had sound advice. Not much I can add in that respect.

I would suggest you delete your browsing history from your phone though - don’t let him see you’ve been on here or it might make thing worse.

If you’re on iPhone, open safari and go to the tab on the bottom that looks like an open book. You can then delete your whole history (though that might look odd if he checks your phone), or go to “edit” and delete all the MN ones only.

My goodness - this is already seriously escalated since the first post.

Op please speak to your employer and call the police now, and women's aid and all other advice given on this thread.

Do not fear speaking to friends and family - You don't own any of the shame here. At all.

This is horrific. You need help from the police. He has assaulted you. It doesn't matter if he's on the tenancy he can still be removed.

My first steps would be to get him out of the house then speak to your landlord frankly about what's happened and see about getting him taken off. If that's not possible give notice and find somewhere else. You absolutely cannot stay with someone so volatile and abusive.

Could you go to a cheap hotel tonight?

Yeah definitely extremely abusive - he is trying to completely humiliate you and control you. It’s horrific. As others said report him to the police. He sounds unhinged and it could escalate.

Also this will help if you run into any issues when you get his name taken off the tenancy.

I’ve read all your posts but the first part stood out to me :

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

I don’t think you’re an idiot btw but I’m wondering how did it get to this stage of him not paying for rent for 11 months? Why did you not raise it with him immediately? I’m the type of person to notice if a man owes me a tenner and pull him up on it asap 😂 well maybe I’m exaggerating a bit there but you get the picture. I couldn’t imagine staying silent if a man owes presumably hundreds pounds each month to me.

Was it that he always exerted control over you even before you moved in and so you were too scared to say anything?

I would definitely suggest you look into some form of therapy and reflection after this whether you date again or not to learn more about boundaries and just general self esteem, living a healthy life and maintaining your well-being. I suspect your self esteem was very low and unfortunately he is exploiting that. It’s not healthy to be working every day like that which is another thing that jumped out at me. Men like this will run you into the ground take all they can, then walk away quietly if you fall sick.

Take care of yourself, OP.

Reach out to anyone in your life if you can.

Every time I come on here there is always a new reason to remain single. Not just on here though, sadly in the wider world too.

So many men jusy don't know how to be decent human beings or just don't care to be.