I think my OH is abusing me but don’t know if I’m going mad

[Applejoker]

I don’t know where to start and I’ll try to keep it short.

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

We had an argument yesterday as when we fall out I tell him he should move back home (100 miles away) if he’s unhappy here. He shouted at me so loudly at home to never say that to him (I think it triggers him because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go). I then left for work at 6pm and he text me about 40 times saying how horrible I was and not to come home and to think about what I’d done.

I got home at 9pm and the house was in darkness and locked up. He’d screwed a screw through the door into the frame so I couldn’t get in at all. I had no coat, my dog was in the car and it was Christmas Eve.

I drove around and managed to find some takeaway food. He kept messaging me saying horrid things and saying I was the one that caused it and that I’m controlling because I told him during the day to be careful when driving my car (he dented it in the summer and I think he’s a terrible driver) and I asked him not to walk my dog in a certain area because of livestock. He says I belittle everything he does. I don’t think I do. I just feel like I do everything so I do moan about the state of the kitchen as he just caused chaos and doesn’t clean up after himself.

I pointed out that i am supporting both of us and I can’t do it anymore and he just kept on saying how much he’s done around the house and that he always cooks (which he does and I always am very grateful) and I should take time to think about how I behave.

I continued to beg to be let in the house via text but nothing and he just kept going on about other things and about how awful I am. I was freezing cold and had to wee at the side of the road, it was humiliating. Fast forward to 930am today (25th) and he said if I was calm he’d let me back in. I have to point out I was calm the whole time, I don’t shout, I just talk and he doesn’t seem to like what I say. I didn’t sleep, I was stone cold all night.

He let me in and I went straight to the bedroom to get a blanket to warm up. He then started straight away saying am I going to be nice so we can have a nice Christmas Day etc. I said you locked me out on Christmas Eve of the house I pay for so no. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he does.

He then saw red and said that’s it, you’re going back outside. Grabbed me by both arms and tried to man handle me outside but I dug down. He pushed me to the floor and took my mobile out of my pocket (which he’s done before). It’s like some mist descends over him and it’s scary.

He got me through to the dining room and had me pinned up against the wall and then I fell to the floor and just sat in the dog bed and cried. He was just shouting at me saying he just wanted to have a nice day and how I’d ruined everything.

He then seemed to calm down so I went and laid on the bed as I hadn’t slept for 25 hours. He tried to get on the bed and then said shall we open Christmas presents. It was so bizarre. He then said he was going to cook dinner. He’s been coming in and out of the bedroom all day just pretending like nothings happened. I’ve managed 2 hours sleep.

I’ve asked him to leave but he said he’s not going anywhere as he’s on the tenancy now. I have work tonight and I’m scared he’ll lock me out again so I’m taking my dog and have packed a bag with a blanket and pillow just in case.

I work so hard to keep a roof over my head and feel like I have no choice but to leave and leave all my belongings. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask if he thinks his behaviour is appropriate he blames me for being horrible but never actually answers my question. I then say do you think it’s acceptable to harm me and cause bruises and man handle me and he completely denies it. I feel like I’m going mad.

This is literally the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Also, my family live over 150 miles away and the thought of telling any friends right now just isn’t an option.

I think I’m just looking for some words of comfort and to tell me I’m not insane for thinking this relationship isn’t right.

He might be on the tenancy OP but you are paying for the house - you hold the power here. You can move out and stop paying, leaving him to sort his own life out. I know it’s awful being forced out of your home, but this sounds like an horror story. Think how free you will feel once you get away from him.

and definitely get the police involved asap.

Please please please call women's aid.
He's mentally terrorising you and if he's he's at the physical assault stage now he could kill next time.
Women's aid will help you sort out the tendency and get help.
And I really think you should think about sharing this with a trusted friend or family. You need irl support.

My god this is awful. Read it back. You say OH so I assume not married which is at least something. Call the police. At the very least you need to serve notice on your tenancy and get away from this man ASAP.

I hope you are safe and have taken the advice on here. The police will arrest him and then get locks changed and seek a restraining order.

Echoing the words above. Call the police, but also call your family and go straight there. File a report in the next few days and get him out with a restraining order. I’ve not read every comment but I’ve been in dv before and I assure you, he is betting you wouldn’t dare tell your family and that’s why he has this control. As soon as they know I assure you it will be total relief. Drive the 150 miles, you will look back and see this as the best Christmas gift possible. Call your family, tell them, drive to them immediately. Shops open again tomorrow for some fresh clothes. Call the police, explain everything. Stay safe, speak up. We have your back. And yes, my god this is abuse. I hope you are ok, you are not alone. You are not weak, you aren’t stupid for “getting yourself into this situation” it happens to the bloody best of us. Sending so much love. Please do as we say, I promise he thinks you won’t tell anyone and that’s why it carries on xxx

Ps im in Suffolk/Camb border if I can help IRL at all!

Yeah he is.

Give your landlord notice of transfering the tenancy to him, get all the bills transferred to him and stop paying them. Find somewhere else asap.

You can't stay with this person.

Thank you all for your comments. I’m working this evening so my replies are infrequent. I have my dog with me in my little van so he is safe; I would never leave him, he is my world. I have packed a bag with a blanket and dog food/water and some spare underwear etc and I’m only working a few hours.

He tried to stop me leaving by shutting the gate but it luckily flung open. He tried to open my van door but I’d locked it so he tried to pick up a huge plant pot I presume to throw through my window but I managed to reverse and drive off. He’s been messaging saying he’s essentially going to damage my belongings and the house and I have another car at home. He sent me a picture of some ronseal wood stain so I assume that’s a threat that he’s going to damage my things.

FFS what is wrong with me. I really thought he was a good guy and it’s gone so terribly wrong. I know you must all be thinking I’m an idiot. I probably am.

I don’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas with this. If I need to, I’ll sleep in the van tonight (I did it last night but am more prepared tonight). I’m so ashamed. My previous history doesn’t look great as my STBX is in prison (not DV; I’ve never been in a DV situation) and I can just hear the chitter chatter already when it comes out. Sorry to moan everyone . This is such a mess.

@Applejoker stay at home when he goes out. Take time off work if you have to. Then have a locksmith come and change the locks. Tell Women's Aid and the police about his behaviour. He is awful.

Don't sleep in the van! Go to a police station, ask if they can escort you home and get him to leave. Show them the messages where he is threatening damage. Tell them what is going on. Why should you sleep rough when he is the one creating the issue?!.

And when or if people ask about it, just tell them you broke up, they don't need to know your business.

So sorry you are going through this. He sounds very much like my ex who acted like this and it destroyed my mental health. I understand if you feel hesitant to report this to the police but please at least consider requesting a claires law check and get some support from your local domestic abuse service. It's only going to get worse. Call 999 if he locks you out again. You shouldn't have stay out in the cold while he's acting like king of the castle in the home you work your arse off to pay for.
I really hope you get away from him safely.

Are you sure work is a priority right now when what has happened, happened?

You're working to keep a roof over your abusers head?

Call the police and get him removed

Is there a local hotel or B&b you could stop in tonight? This man is dangerous - and he's ramping it up to try to scare you into staying with him. Don't let him succeed. Call the police and tell them everything. Have him arrested and removed from your house. Get the locks changed and have him removed from the tenancy - tell your landlord he doesn't pay anything and is domestically abusing you if you need to (I don't know if anyone can ask to remove another person from the tenancy without good reason). Call Women's Aid for support and advice.

Good luck and please don't put up with this.

Disregard any supposed chitter chatter as it’s not important and not worth thinking about.

Your safety is of paramount concern. those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind re your situation .

Don’t worry about supposedly ruining other people’s Christmases, again your safety here is important and you matter.

Get help now from the police and get this individual out if your home with their help. Go to a hotel rather than sleep in your car.

"FFS what is wrong with me. I really thought he was a good guy and it’s gone so terribly wrong. I know you must all be thinking I’m an idiot. I probably am."

You're not an idiot at all OP. Believe me when I saw this. If someone called my phone right now, asking for help and they were in your situation, they'd get my help.. my support and anything else I could give them. Please expect the same from people you know. They'll be mortified you're going through this and will want to help. ❤️

there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Please don’t give yourself a hard time. Now is the time to just look after yourself and prioritise getting away from this evil man.

How long has he been on the tenancy?

Is it social housing or private?

Why do you work 5 jobs and not just 1 job?

I assume your work is low pay and not a career as such and so you don’t need to stay where you’re living because of your job?

Why do you live so far away from your family?

Sorry for all of the questions. Just trying to figure out the best way to help you.

He's a bully, but you have the power here.

If he sends threats about damaging your stuffs then you tell him that if you find damage to your things when you get home then you'll be calling the police - and he can explain himself and his threatening texts to them.

Tell him to leave - and that if he doesn't leave and go somewhere else then you'll serve notice on the tenancy. And you'll be fine as you're working and you can wait him out as you can afford to rent somewhere else - whereas he's unemployed and won't be considered for anything. His choice - oh and if he stays then he needs to have a plan for how he's going to feed himself and get about, because you won't be sharing your groceries and he'll be off your car insurance.

Surely friends and family is an option, compared to this hell. Get out,run and don't return! Resign your part of the tenancy and state domestic violence. Report Jim for damaging the locks

Screenshot the messages in case he deletes. When you finish your shift go to the police station and explain everything that has happened and tell them you are afraid to go home.

His behaviour is escalating and will only get worse OP

@Applejoker I don't think ur an idiot at all and sure most others don't either. I do think you need to imagine us stood next to you saying "what the hell are you playing at", and marching you down the police station.

Don't set foot in that house unaccompanied again

Please please ring the police and show them the messages and get home out!

So much good advice on here already so I don't have anything to add apart from please keep yourself and your dog safe. And please call the police on this man, he's unhinged!!

OP would you feel comfortable sharing your location? If you were near me I'd have you here for the night just to know you're safe fed and warm.

Please, please contact the police. Save and screenshot everything. Take pictures of everything. When you come into contact with him, press record on your phone and then hide your phone in your bra or pants if you have to. Please contact the police. This man could kill you or your animals.

You're not going mad, he is definitely abusing you. You must call the police and get help from them, like PP have said. And - just to be very clear - NONE of this is your fault. He is beyond vile. If you can open up to family/friends and get support from them, then that would be great (I'd help any of my friends who were in your situation, and I'd not judge them or think less of them at all. I would be furious at the bastard who abused them). But police first. Good luck x