I think my OH is abusing me but don’t know if I’m going mad

[Applejoker]

I don’t know where to start and I’ll try to keep it short.

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

We had an argument yesterday as when we fall out I tell him he should move back home (100 miles away) if he’s unhappy here. He shouted at me so loudly at home to never say that to him (I think it triggers him because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go). I then left for work at 6pm and he text me about 40 times saying how horrible I was and not to come home and to think about what I’d done.

I got home at 9pm and the house was in darkness and locked up. He’d screwed a screw through the door into the frame so I couldn’t get in at all. I had no coat, my dog was in the car and it was Christmas Eve.

I drove around and managed to find some takeaway food. He kept messaging me saying horrid things and saying I was the one that caused it and that I’m controlling because I told him during the day to be careful when driving my car (he dented it in the summer and I think he’s a terrible driver) and I asked him not to walk my dog in a certain area because of livestock. He says I belittle everything he does. I don’t think I do. I just feel like I do everything so I do moan about the state of the kitchen as he just caused chaos and doesn’t clean up after himself.

I pointed out that i am supporting both of us and I can’t do it anymore and he just kept on saying how much he’s done around the house and that he always cooks (which he does and I always am very grateful) and I should take time to think about how I behave.

I continued to beg to be let in the house via text but nothing and he just kept going on about other things and about how awful I am. I was freezing cold and had to wee at the side of the road, it was humiliating. Fast forward to 930am today (25th) and he said if I was calm he’d let me back in. I have to point out I was calm the whole time, I don’t shout, I just talk and he doesn’t seem to like what I say. I didn’t sleep, I was stone cold all night.

He let me in and I went straight to the bedroom to get a blanket to warm up. He then started straight away saying am I going to be nice so we can have a nice Christmas Day etc. I said you locked me out on Christmas Eve of the house I pay for so no. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he does.

He then saw red and said that’s it, you’re going back outside. Grabbed me by both arms and tried to man handle me outside but I dug down. He pushed me to the floor and took my mobile out of my pocket (which he’s done before). It’s like some mist descends over him and it’s scary.

He got me through to the dining room and had me pinned up against the wall and then I fell to the floor and just sat in the dog bed and cried. He was just shouting at me saying he just wanted to have a nice day and how I’d ruined everything.

He then seemed to calm down so I went and laid on the bed as I hadn’t slept for 25 hours. He tried to get on the bed and then said shall we open Christmas presents. It was so bizarre. He then said he was going to cook dinner. He’s been coming in and out of the bedroom all day just pretending like nothings happened. I’ve managed 2 hours sleep.

I’ve asked him to leave but he said he’s not going anywhere as he’s on the tenancy now. I have work tonight and I’m scared he’ll lock me out again so I’m taking my dog and have packed a bag with a blanket and pillow just in case.

I work so hard to keep a roof over my head and feel like I have no choice but to leave and leave all my belongings. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask if he thinks his behaviour is appropriate he blames me for being horrible but never actually answers my question. I then say do you think it’s acceptable to harm me and cause bruises and man handle me and he completely denies it. I feel like I’m going mad.

This is literally the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Also, my family live over 150 miles away and the thought of telling any friends right now just isn’t an option.

I think I’m just looking for some words of comfort and to tell me I’m not insane for thinking this relationship isn’t right.

It’s a housing association assured tenancy. You can’t just “re-start” it.

No this is not good advice at all. Whatever she chooses to do she should not let him know in advance.

Just caught up on this. Well done OP. Just go. Tell your family and perhaps if they're able you could take some capable family members back with you to collect your things. If you message him to tell him this he might not destroy your stuff. (Abusers generally don't like others knowing what they do).
Also contact your landlord so they can get things sorted to eventually evict this low life as he's clearly not going to be able to pay rent. Tell them the situation and ask that they please salvage your possessions if possible.
Wishing you the very best luck. Never doubt yourself over this.

You definitely need some advice from the domestic violence organisations and , I should suggest, the police. If you are on a joint tenancy you could face some hefty bills if he doesn’t pay the rent or causes damage to the property. There is also a free legal hour on Lbc radio, you sound kind and hardworking and deserve a much happier life,

Fully understand DV/coercive control, don't even start with me. Been there.
Just fed up with posters who are clearly cognisant of the situation (OP is pretty sure of what's going on in even the first post) repeatedly posting without having done what they need to.

Best of luck. Watch the 24 hours in police custody episode called ‘Jane Doe’ if you find yourself doubting your decision to leave this loser.

He will never add anything meaningful to your life and could very likely be a threat to it.

Why have you ignored everyone who said phone the police? You've updated on going to work, worrying about making threats to your belongings, but not actually done anything about him. What's stopping you from having him removed?

If you really understood it, you wouldn't say this.

I'm sorry that you have had your own experience of it but that doesn't make it OK for you to attack others who can't do something you think they should or you feel that you could have done in the same circumstances.

If you can't be supportive, it's better not to post at all.

Fucking hell.Thars really horrific op i hope you have to strength to kick him out

Take @NunyaBeeswax advice

Do Not Listen To Anybody Telling You To Kick Him Out/Stand Your Ground

The safest way to leave an abusive relationship is quickly & quietly

I am worried for your safety. Call the police, this is criminally abusive.

Please lose the shame, none of this is in any way your fault, your life is in danger and as you have to take your dog with you to work, you know your dog’s life is too.
Call the police, he manhandled you, threatened you and won’t let you go home, he needs removing by police and your locks changed, you need to tell family and friends, because instead of the judgement you fear from them, they will be horrified at your Oh treatment of you and rally round with support you Need. Once you have a crime number the landlord can act on removing his name on the tenancy because it’s an emergency.

Please log it with the police. Especially because you don't want to get in trouble over the tenancy.

Glad you’re on your way to your family OP. Once there and you’ve opened up to them, you’ll feel a massive relief. You’re obviously resilient and strong generally, so you will start over again and get yourself another job (just the one this time), and get yourself sorted with a home. I get why you were reluctant to call the police. It would just escalate the drama. The police would need to listen to both sides to try and establish what’s going on. If he denies it, then it would create problems, and even if they got him out of the house, he sounds the type who would continue to stalk you, and may cause you physical arm. You’ve done the right thing removing yourself to over 100 miles away (hopefully he doesn’t have your parents’ address). You can start again. Just always know your worth, and never let anyone treat you this way again. The best marker is to just say to yourself never allow someone to treat you how you wouldn’t treat others. Good luck OP.

If he smashes the house up you will be liable for damages, you have to report it to the police so it’s all logged. The

Just caught up on this. Well done OP. Just go. Tell your family and perhaps if they're able you could take some capable family members back with you to collect your things. If you message him to tell him this he might not destroy your stuff. (Abusers generally don't like others knowing what they do).

No don’t do this. Again, as I said upthread this man is unhinged, violent and possibly drunk

Call the police if you want your stuff - don’t invite your friends or family to walk into a potentially dangerous situation. There’s absolutely no need.

Even if there’s only one of him against a group of people he could still do or at least attempt a lot of damage with a weapon (eg. A knife or hammer)

And if the police go with you will also have an official record you’ve left the property and perhaps what state the property was in when you left it.

You have the mobility and are not tied with children so you can get out and far away out of danger. There's not even a house to sell. As other posters have suggested remove your name from the tenancy agreement which makes this leech liable to pay the bills. Above all, tell the police.

Agree with this 100%. There’s going through the legal process way vs what’s best for you. Yes, you could go down the route of getting the police involved, but he sounds so horrific, you will still be in fear of him stalking you and threatening you. Removing yourself as far away as possible from him, and starting again, is better for you.

My friend just had to kick her daughter out who was drunk, violent and assaulted her. When she came to collect her stuff my friend demanded a police presence and they came. They are more pro active these days.

You are absolutely not winding him up.
I am sure the person who posted that thinks and behaved like your stbx.

Go to your family then think of your next steps but it must be the police.
Why should he get away with this .
He will keep doing it he won’t stop at you .

The man is an absolute lunatic. The day you leave will be the best day of your life. Well done OP - keep going and never look back.

And seek therapy, to stop these relational patterns repeating.

Wishing you all the best OP.

You are absolutely being abused! You need to leave, speak to your landlord and explain you wanted to be removed from the tenancy as you no longer live there. Above all tell your family and friends what is going on!

I think in that case the HA may remove him as dv /police (hopefully) involved. Not sure, only ever dealt with private tenants.