I think my OH is abusing me but don’t know if I’m going mad

[Applejoker]

I don’t know where to start and I’ll try to keep it short.

My OH moved in with me a year ago; rented house and he is on the tenancy. Has only paid one months rent, I cover everything else. I work 5 jobs and don’t have any days off. Tomorrow is my first day off in about 6 months.

We had an argument yesterday as when we fall out I tell him he should move back home (100 miles away) if he’s unhappy here. He shouted at me so loudly at home to never say that to him (I think it triggers him because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go). I then left for work at 6pm and he text me about 40 times saying how horrible I was and not to come home and to think about what I’d done.

I got home at 9pm and the house was in darkness and locked up. He’d screwed a screw through the door into the frame so I couldn’t get in at all. I had no coat, my dog was in the car and it was Christmas Eve.

I drove around and managed to find some takeaway food. He kept messaging me saying horrid things and saying I was the one that caused it and that I’m controlling because I told him during the day to be careful when driving my car (he dented it in the summer and I think he’s a terrible driver) and I asked him not to walk my dog in a certain area because of livestock. He says I belittle everything he does. I don’t think I do. I just feel like I do everything so I do moan about the state of the kitchen as he just caused chaos and doesn’t clean up after himself.

I pointed out that i am supporting both of us and I can’t do it anymore and he just kept on saying how much he’s done around the house and that he always cooks (which he does and I always am very grateful) and I should take time to think about how I behave.

I continued to beg to be let in the house via text but nothing and he just kept going on about other things and about how awful I am. I was freezing cold and had to wee at the side of the road, it was humiliating. Fast forward to 930am today (25th) and he said if I was calm he’d let me back in. I have to point out I was calm the whole time, I don’t shout, I just talk and he doesn’t seem to like what I say. I didn’t sleep, I was stone cold all night.

He let me in and I went straight to the bedroom to get a blanket to warm up. He then started straight away saying am I going to be nice so we can have a nice Christmas Day etc. I said you locked me out on Christmas Eve of the house I pay for so no. It’s like he has no comprehension of what he does.

He then saw red and said that’s it, you’re going back outside. Grabbed me by both arms and tried to man handle me outside but I dug down. He pushed me to the floor and took my mobile out of my pocket (which he’s done before). It’s like some mist descends over him and it’s scary.

He got me through to the dining room and had me pinned up against the wall and then I fell to the floor and just sat in the dog bed and cried. He was just shouting at me saying he just wanted to have a nice day and how I’d ruined everything.

He then seemed to calm down so I went and laid on the bed as I hadn’t slept for 25 hours. He tried to get on the bed and then said shall we open Christmas presents. It was so bizarre. He then said he was going to cook dinner. He’s been coming in and out of the bedroom all day just pretending like nothings happened. I’ve managed 2 hours sleep.

I’ve asked him to leave but he said he’s not going anywhere as he’s on the tenancy now. I have work tonight and I’m scared he’ll lock me out again so I’m taking my dog and have packed a bag with a blanket and pillow just in case.

I work so hard to keep a roof over my head and feel like I have no choice but to leave and leave all my belongings. He scares me and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask if he thinks his behaviour is appropriate he blames me for being horrible but never actually answers my question. I then say do you think it’s acceptable to harm me and cause bruises and man handle me and he completely denies it. I feel like I’m going mad.

This is literally the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Also, my family live over 150 miles away and the thought of telling any friends right now just isn’t an option.

I think I’m just looking for some words of comfort and to tell me I’m not insane for thinking this relationship isn’t right.

You don't need words of comfort - you need to contact the police asap, report abuse, log a case, get a restraining order, Please. He is a scumbag and you are in danger. Sponger. Scum. Don't wait to be maimed or killed. Put an end to it now.

Yes report anyway even if you don’t intend to go back. As pp said what if he damages the house? He has threatened it.

OP I find it baffling that you’re not going to police to at least remove your possessions, but the main thing is you’re going to be safe with your family -assuming he doesn’t know where they live - so that’s good.

Either way make sure you remove your name off the lease or you’ll be liable for any damage to the property - and have you thought about who is going to pay the rent? You’ll be liable for that too if he doesn’t and your name is on the lease.

Get yourself to the safely of your family and then report to the police. It's hard to do anything when you feel trapped in the thick of it. Good luck.

Well done for making the decision to drive to your family today.

In the words of Gisèle Pelicot, shame must change sides.

This is not your shame and everyone in your real life, and police will support you.

Do speak to women's aid too as it sounds like he will try absolutely everything to manipulate everything you say. They will be well versed in how to best handle this.

Also well done for posting this thread. You needed reassurance and help to focus your thinking.

Adrenaline and exhaustion would have been confusing you. And it sounds like he's been manipulating and gaslighting you for some time, so you doubted your judgement.

You needed the step by step guide from women with clearer heads and experience.

Ignore those who don't get this.

Whilst I’m absolutely delighted that you’re getting away from him physically you realise you can’t walk away from the tenancy agreement and you will still be liable for that ?
Give notice your Landlord today.
Who will then respond with whatever your legal liabilities are.
And you can explain that you’re currently not living in the property, but that will not protect you from being liable if he smashes the house up from top to bottom.
Which is why you need to go to the police.

Why didnt you call the police when he locked you out.

Go to the police to report what he did to you. Make a statement and if you can, get him removed from the house. If you can get him sectioned it will give you some breathing space. The nasty and nice cycle can be a sign of bipolar or intermittent reinforcement The abuser alternates between kindness and cruelty, creating confusion and emotional turmoil for the victim. It is emotional abuse

Don’t go back until he is gone and don’t eat the food he has cooked for you

Why is his name on the tenancy?

Presumably yours is as well. Any chance of getting his name removed or actually removing yours and moving elsewhere.
Even to a different area of the country

I would also get an injunction so he can’t come anywhere near you

Did you do a background check on him prior to moving in

I wouldn’t advise this. Men like this usually contain their violence to the woman they’re with but when it gets to a certain point like this and they can see their control slipping away from them they can be absolutely unhinged. I’m sure he could well be dangerous to any number of people in their house in these circumstances.

Call the police always - if possible - instead of endangering more people.

I had experience of this when a former colleagues violent husband badly assaulted her best friend and best friend friends partner.

I’d be fuming if my brothers, cousins or any of my guy friends were called in as male friends to help out in this situation.

Op is not in immediate danger. She can call the police from her car or wherever - no need to invite friends into a dangerous situations.

I am so glad you are leaving OP. Contact your landlord ASAP.

Sounds like you have had some really shit partners. Time to work on yourself. Get therapy.
Don't go out with anyone for a long time (could take years and years - 10+) until you are properly healed.

Well done for making the decision to leave.
Please set yourself a target that you won't even look at another man for at least a year.
Find your confidence, know your worth. When you realise that you have everything you need within yourself , you become very picky about who you choose to let into your life.
You are clever and resourceful, you run your own businesses! Believe in yourself my love.

Once at family get rested and phone your landlord/lady and get your name of the tenancy.

phone woman’s aid and the police if not done so.
id be inclined to press charges why so it’s on record for Clare’s law so other partners can see for themselves when they also think they are going crazy.

this isn’t your shame it is his please please remember that

How are you going to get to work from your parents’ place OP? It’s not sensible or practical to give up the house just because he’s comandeered it.

I think it's a good choice OP! Look after yourself and your dog xxx

@OCDmama

What a fucking idiotic comment 😡 It has the potential to prevent someone from taking the only opportunity they have to leave an abusive relationship.

Go and educate yourself about coercive control and don't even think about posting on a thread that mentions abuse until you have some idea of what you're talking about.

I’d ask the police to go with me instead but some men will tackle them to but this will not end well for him if he does. Been there and done that in the past.

What?? How is it not abusive?

Yeah he sounds so out of control I wouldn’t be surprised if he went for the police!

Good thing is police are equipped to handle this madness and it’s their job plus he’ll literally be handing them evidence of his violence and he can and will be charged for assaulting an officer. It’ll probably be recorded on their body cams.

You’re absolutely right that it won’t end well for him if he does do that.

You can't "get him out" if he's on the tenancy & has become violent. That's terrible advice when more people die leaving a relationship then in it!

Call the police & landlord inform them of the assault & your inability to live in the property while putting in notice to end the rental

Get into women's aid about housing

& Next time look for a service station as they usually have bathrooms

If you want to retain the rental, speak to your landlord to end the tenancy, you may be able to re-start with just you on there, particularly as you’re the one paying, plus you must have proof. Either way you need to call the police and possibly not go back given the remoteness of the property. He’s escalating although he appears to have been violent with you before now. Good luck, please don’t go back until he’s gone.

If you think the police won't believe you, OP, show them this thread. Your posts show you're dealing with a full-on (and potentially very dangerous) narcissist.

You need help and support; please go to your family. Don't worry about ruining their Christmas; it'll be ruined anyway when they discover you didn't feel able to turn to them when you're in such dire straits. Let people help you, whether it's the police or your family (ideally both).

Good luck and drive safe.

What would you tell a friend? Keep sleeping in the van and begging to be let back in to your own house? I think not.

Call the police!

Very good advice. Take a screenshot of this post, OP.

Glad to see your update OP.

Stay safe and I hope you go into the new year free from this monster