The final straw

[Namechange2272]

Baxkstory is we haven't been getting on for a long time. This year I picked and ordered my own presents because I'm sick of DH telling me every year how hard I am to buy for, how the items are out of stock/delayed etc. Didn't buy anything overly expensive but just things I need like a coat, trainers etc.

Anyway he was moaning that I was ordering my own stuff so I told him the one thing I would really like is a nice book to read over Christmas. I told him about a book I'd really enjoyed as a guide and when I opened up the present this morning it was the book I'd told him about as a guide. I couldn't hide my disappointment and anger and we've just had a big row.

It probably sounds so trivial but it really does feel like the final straw. He just doesn't listen to anything I say. I'm so.pissed off as I spend ages getting him, the kids and other people really thoughtful gifts. I know I need to calm down but I'm just so angry.

for people like this i would create an actual list, with links to the exact thing you want. A range of prices, but a long long list. Anything they get that was not on the list goes back. Either to them or is regifted or you ask for a receipt to take it back.

That way, they know what you want, you get exactly what you want and there is at least some small element of surprise.

don't let this happen again. Either change your partner, or make him see the sense of The List. Or buy your own gifts and tell him it's because he is a useless, cloth-eared lazy fucker.

I have been through the same situation for years, I really get it. I've wondered if it was clumsiness, thoughtlessness, a total lack of empathy, a childhood with a toxic family and his cold, bitter mother and an emotionally absent father.
Whichever, whatever, it doesn't offer a road to happiness. I've put up with it for too long, I'd say to you think hard if you really want to go on with the relationship.
We had a massive row last night, I'm paying a big price for staying and I've got to the end of the road.

I don't quite understand your OP. Were the conversations about wanting a book and the book you read as a guide (girl guide, travel guide, spirit guide??) at the same time? He probably thought it was a hint.

I think what he is saying when he says "you're really difficult to buy for" is " I'm rubbish at imagining what other people would like". I'm pretty bad at it too tbh and my husband is much better. I do always get him some things I think he would like, but I'm not inspired.

I do buy all the presents for everyone though and all the foods, so I'm definitely a keeper.😅

"As a guide" - a help i.e I like Bob Mortimer's books, so get me a book in that genre

I don't quite understand the bit about the book, although I get the gist of the overall present buying/showing appreciation thing.

@Namechange2272 I think you are unfair to say he doesn't listen, he got the exact book you were talking about, so he obviously listened, he misunderstood your meaning.

I think you are frustrated with yourself too. You are not managing to effectively communicate with your husband. The same words can have different readings for different people. Whatever else is going on and whatever faults he has, I think you have overreacted about this thing.

Oh get it now, it didn't read that way to me. Either be more specific and give him a list of what you want and accept he's crap,or think about whether you want to carry on with this, if you don't it may be quite liberating to imagine your new life without him.

Oh I see. 🤣 That illustrates my point really.

Ah! I thought it meant when you were a guide OP!

You told him about a book you'd enjoyed and he bought you that book.

So.....he couldn't work out that you'd already read it?

OP, as you can probably tell from people on this thread not understanding your (perfectly clear) post, some people are thick!

I’m very pleased you valued your worth, stood up to him and told him what you thought! Keep it going

OK, I am one also guilty of buying rubbish presents. I am known for it, in fact. I just can’t do it - people basically expecting me to mind read what they want. One year I gave everyone small ball magnets, I thought they were the bee’s knees - but they weren’t, no one liked them (apart from me!). Don’t even get me started about several failed secret Santa attempts. I saw someone open their present with a horrified expression.

Just accept that your DH is rubbish at picking up hints, he needs to be told directly what you want. A list is probably better. It isn’t about ‘knowing you’, because that puts a hell of a lot of pressure on one present.

If this is his only failing, then he isn’t doing so badly in my book.

Hope this helped.

That's lt exactly. I gave him a name of a book I enjoyed reading and said if you put that into Amazon it will suggest similar books. Then he went and got the book I gave him the name of, even though I discussed the book with him at length and recommended he read it

I had a full blown conversation with him about that particular book, how much I enjoyed it and recommended he read it too. Then I said sure get me something similar. He replied and said he would and then went and got the exact same book. I don't know how clearer I could have made it. I also reminded him to get me a book 2 weeks ago as I knew he forgot. How much more communication should I be expected to provide to him.beyond choosing and buying a book myself, which I did with the rest of the presents

I get that it's really thoughtless and how worthless it makes you feel when he doesn't listen. Don't listen to anyone who invalidates the way you feel about this. It is shit and he's made no effort.
BUT. A word of caution.
Obvs I don't know the back story and whether there is other stuff that makes you want to end it all. So take this with pinch of salt.
However I am living the consequences of divorce that wasn't my choice and it is utterly utterly shit.
Kids go to my ex later and his massive family. I'll be by myself.
There are no men out there worth dating in your 40s and over.
Just saying. Be very very sure before throwing in the towel.

Tbh I think if someone tells you they’ve read Book A, really enjoyed it and wants something similar and you understand they want Book A, then the issue is with you.
Either your comprehension skills are pretty low or you’re only vaguely listening and are showing how little you actually care.

(and yes the OP was very clear)

EDIT:
Realised that OP has clarified what she told her dh. So my post feels like a copy and paste 🫣🫣

Thank you for clarifying and validating my post. I don't see how I could have made it any clearer. I picked and ordered the rest of my presents and have no issue with that. He was making an issue of me doing this so I said well order me a book like this book I've read. All he had to do is go on to Amazon and order one thing

Bet he forgot the book name, went into Waterstones, described the book and an assistant gave him the exact book, rather than something like it.

What did he say when you called him on it? Did he at least have the decency to apologise for being such a tit?

Just sounds like he's dialing it in.

Whinged about you buying your own stuff because he's so bad at it. You gave him the solution. He fucked it up anyway.

I'll often forget my wife's plans or who she is doing what with because life is just so busy with two Under 3s right now (we hoth work full hours too).

But I'd never forget her telling me she'd read a book or watched "this" film for example.

He gave her a book she'd told him she'd already read!