The final straw

[Namechange2272]

Baxkstory is we haven't been getting on for a long time. This year I picked and ordered my own presents because I'm sick of DH telling me every year how hard I am to buy for, how the items are out of stock/delayed etc. Didn't buy anything overly expensive but just things I need like a coat, trainers etc.

Anyway he was moaning that I was ordering my own stuff so I told him the one thing I would really like is a nice book to read over Christmas. I told him about a book I'd really enjoyed as a guide and when I opened up the present this morning it was the book I'd told him about as a guide. I couldn't hide my disappointment and anger and we've just had a big row.

It probably sounds so trivial but it really does feel like the final straw. He just doesn't listen to anything I say. I'm so.pissed off as I spend ages getting him, the kids and other people really thoughtful gifts. I know I need to calm down but I'm just so angry.

It feels like 90% of Christmas arguments would be solved if the DHs in question (or whoever has done the upsetting) realised that the issue in question is almost always a proxy for feeling loved and appreciated. So for you, him getting a thoughtful present is validation that he loves you. Next year it might be worth explaining it to him like that if he doesn't get it

No.

No one need be a mind reader. Just actually put in some time thinking about the person, observing their likes/dislikes and how they spend their time and money, what they value, etc.

It takes effort but just throwing up hands saying "I'm crap at it, haha me!" Isn’t a solution.

It's not perfectly clear if people haven't immediately understood it 🙄

Does your husband has any redeeming qualities?

Op your post is very clear. I'm really won't understand why people aren't getting it!

I hope your day gets better

Some people are not into gift-giving, especially if they come from a family without that tradition. My late OHs family never gave gifts at all so he was a bit adrift. I just let it be. He did his best. Just because you are a good gift giver does not mean that others are.
Make him list next time with specifics.

@rockstep It is clear. if someone told you about a book they'd enjoyed, surely you wouldn't get the same one?

And be happy with that. Please don't resent the fact that he might not come up with surprises ... does not mean he does not care about you. Sometimes gift giving can become a sort of test and that is not really in the right spirit.

Ahem. Did you read the very first sentence she wrote?

@Namechange2272 he was ridiculous. I get your hurt (and Im a terrible gift giver, but my partner knows I love and appreciate him very much indeed).

Amen.

Or you could have decided what book you wanted and told him.

Maybe your comprehension skills are on a level with OP’s DH

Some of the posts show Mumsnet bullying at its best!

@Bertielong3 Maybe going forward you do an Amazon wish list?

Agreed, but I'd suggest @Namechange2272 does a Pinterest board, so she's not stuck with just stuff on Amazon, and keep it updated throughout the year so it works for birthdays, anniversaries, mother's day, valentine's day, as well as Christmas. Then DH will have NO EXCUSE.

Edited to add: and be sure to put size in the item comment section, if it's clothes.

@Silverfoxlady OK, I am one also guilty of buying rubbish presents. I am known for it, in fact. I just can’t do it - people basically expecting me to mind read what they want.

What I do is listen out for hints as to things they might like or need. For example, they might say 'oh I keep meaning to buy a new X, this one's seen better days', or 'I love Emma Bridgewater stuff', etc. Or love a certain author or genre (if there's a new hardback out at the right time, they'd probably wait for the paperback, so get the hardback).

Or I may notice things they don't have in their home, or which could do with replacement, e.g. maybe they have several chipped mugs. Or maybe they eat a lot of rice but don't have a rice-maker.

Then there's the back up of things which most people like, e.g. Fortnum & Mason tall tins of biscuits, https://www.fortnumandmason.com/biscuits/biscuit-collections/tall-tins?sort=price-asc

or F&M gift boxes of tea selections; the tins are lovely and festive. Those boxed amaryllis bulbs which are always around at Christmas. Farmer Gracy gift voucher (they specialise in bulbs, so it works for anyone with a garden or can be grown in pots indoors). For iPhone owners, an Airtag.

Personalised handmade mug, these are lovely: https://www.geoffreymaundpottery.co.uk/products/hand-painted-personalised-blue-white-mugs

Also: www.cornishware.co.uk/personalised

I buy gifts year round, not just coming up to Christmas, take advantage of sales. For example, I got a couple of these as gifts this year when they were reduced to £12: https://www.agriframes.co.uk/collections/bird-feeders/products/elegance-wall-bird-feeder a gift which works for anyone with a garden who likes wildlife.

That works up to a point, @RogueFemale, and some of your ideas are good, but not others.

Noticing the author someone likes, yes. Buying the hardback because they'd probably wait for the paperback, no - if I'm waiting for the paperback, it's because I want the paperback, because I've bought the other volumes in paperback. I don't want a hardback.

Noticing what someone doesn't have in their house - perhaps. However, there are gadgets I don't have because I don't want them, not because I just don't happen to have bought them.

For fucks sake!! It really couldn't have been much clearer 😂

It sounds like your DH may have a very poor working memory @Namechange2272 , a conversation with several bits to remember, won't suddenly work for him if it hasn't worked before.

You could try doing a wish list or messaging any gift ideas in the future so that he has something to refer back to. I agree with the PP that he probably remembered some bits of the conversation (like the author maybe) and ended up getting you the book you already read.

I've stopped saying things I don't want/like as people remember the thing you've said, not what you haven't said, probably subconsciously.

You know he is not very good at this, so change the way you communicate about it.

Apart from special circumstances, a grown-up asking what gift you want is really quite rude, it's so off putting to me. It's basically them saying: 'I need to give you something and that bores me, so, you decide, there will be no surprise and you'll even know the price, but it saves me thinking about you, thanks.'
I either tell them not to be silly and that they don't have to buy a gift at all, or what I'd really like on the spur of the moment, like an antique jade and diamond necklace just coming up for auction or a villa in Santorini or something - which by comparison, tends to make the local shops full of perfectly suitable gift options, ha.
It's BS that gift-giving is difficult or fraught with pitfalls. If you care enough about someone to give them a gift, do your own thinking.

Thank you - some good ideas there!

My other half laughed because my memory is so bad, which is probably why I am so bad at giving presents. I am so bad at remembering these things.

I love the personalised mugs though… might get one myself.

If one is bad at remembering, one can always make notes on paper or in one's phone.

We can't understand your meaning and we are getting confused, what must your husband be be dealing with!

Just write an exact list of what you'd like. Some people struggle with hints. You need to communicate more effectively!

I dint know. Most people on this thread have understood the OP wo any problem.

I assumed those who didn’t read the OP very quickly with no care 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Oh my god am I going mad???
'I told him about a book I'd enjoyed as a guide'

People on this thread who somehow have never heard of the word 'guide': 'this is confusing'

She had told him she'd already read that book - if he was confused over the use of the word guide, that still doesn't explain why he'd buy her the same book, unless he wasn't bloody listening. And if he was confused, he could have clarified what she meant, and if he was REALLY confused and didn't want to admit it, when she challenged him he'd bloody apologise and admit he got confused, not act like OP was unreasonable! So he clearly just wasn't listening properly!

It's perfectly clear for those not hard of thinking.