Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The final straw

81 replies

Namechange2272 · 25/12/2024 09:11

Baxkstory is we haven't been getting on for a long time. This year I picked and ordered my own presents because I'm sick of DH telling me every year how hard I am to buy for, how the items are out of stock/delayed etc. Didn't buy anything overly expensive but just things I need like a coat, trainers etc.

Anyway he was moaning that I was ordering my own stuff so I told him the one thing I would really like is a nice book to read over Christmas. I told him about a book I'd really enjoyed as a guide and when I opened up the present this morning it was the book I'd told him about as a guide. I couldn't hide my disappointment and anger and we've just had a big row.

It probably sounds so trivial but it really does feel like the final straw. He just doesn't listen to anything I say. I'm so.pissed off as I spend ages getting him, the kids and other people really thoughtful gifts. I know I need to calm down but I'm just so angry.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 26/12/2024 18:14

LucilePevensie · 26/12/2024 10:40

Are you quite finished twisting yourself into knots apologising for that DH?

I do envy how shielded you seem to be, genuinely, it must be nice. But please don't dismiss OP's experience, she's explained what happened and how it made her feel, excusing away isn't kind or positive.
His behaviour was really quite nasty at worse and totally careless at best.
Would you like that done to you? Would you consider doing this to someone? I'm sure not, so why is it ok for OP? Maybe pass your way instead of gaslighting.

'Or, he is not a reader (many men don't read fiction) and doesn't understand that you wouldn't routinely read a book again.'
🙄Seriously?

Show quote history

Exactly this 👏

Original poster
Namechange2272 · 26/12/2024 18:17

Celynfour · 26/12/2024 12:56

I understood the OP
but I think it’s really hard to expect someone to buy a book in that genre especially if you don’t know much about books . I’m a reader and I would find that hard - what have you already read ? How would he have a mental inventory of every book you’ve ever already read .
I think that was a slightly set up to fail task .
I think you don’t like him very much at the moment and the book was just the final straw of disappointed resentment.

I have been on this situation and the issue was the relationship not the presents in the end .

How is it setting him up to fail? He is an avid reader and we have been together over 20 years. He is well aware of the types of books I enjoy. I asked him to get me one thing and gave him the name of a book I had particularly enjoyed as an example of what I like. All he had to do was input that into Amazon and it would give suggestions.

I would not have an issue if he purchased another book I had read in the past - simple mistake. My issue is he purchased the exact book I discussed with him at length about and told him I had just read it and he might enjoy.

I couldn't really set the bar any lower for effort.

OP posts:
2468KMNP · 26/12/2024 18:29

Weaponised incompetence - and still people (women) make excuses the men who do this

Celynfour · 26/12/2024 18:39

Namechange2272 · 26/12/2024 18:17

How is it setting him up to fail? He is an avid reader and we have been together over 20 years. He is well aware of the types of books I enjoy. I asked him to get me one thing and gave him the name of a book I had particularly enjoyed as an example of what I like. All he had to do was input that into Amazon and it would give suggestions.

I would not have an issue if he purchased another book I had read in the past - simple mistake. My issue is he purchased the exact book I discussed with him at length about and told him I had just read it and he might enjoy.

I couldn't really set the bar any lower for effort.

Edited
Show quote history

I’m not excusing his poor attitude and effort .
it wasn’t made clear in your OP he was an avid reader . I’m an avid reader but I would still find it hard to buy a book for someone.
What I probably (clumsily ) meant was that when I was in this situation the problem wasn’t the actually the present buying . That was the symptom.

Original poster
Namechange2272 · 26/12/2024 19:43

Celynfour · 26/12/2024 18:39

I’m not excusing his poor attitude and effort .
it wasn’t made clear in your OP he was an avid reader . I’m an avid reader but I would still find it hard to buy a book for someone.
What I probably (clumsily ) meant was that when I was in this situation the problem wasn’t the actually the present buying . That was the symptom.

Show quote history

I get what you are saying and yes, you are right, it is a symptom

OP posts:
jennywrites · 26/12/2024 20:03

So Op, since you did not post this on AIBU but presumably wanted some support/advice on where to go from here...

What are you going to do? Any thoughts about the future?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread