The final straw

[Namechange2272]

Baxkstory is we haven't been getting on for a long time. This year I picked and ordered my own presents because I'm sick of DH telling me every year how hard I am to buy for, how the items are out of stock/delayed etc. Didn't buy anything overly expensive but just things I need like a coat, trainers etc.

Anyway he was moaning that I was ordering my own stuff so I told him the one thing I would really like is a nice book to read over Christmas. I told him about a book I'd really enjoyed as a guide and when I opened up the present this morning it was the book I'd told him about as a guide. I couldn't hide my disappointment and anger and we've just had a big row.

It probably sounds so trivial but it really does feel like the final straw. He just doesn't listen to anything I say. I'm so.pissed off as I spend ages getting him, the kids and other people really thoughtful gifts. I know I need to calm down but I'm just so angry.

I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that when I read “a book I’d enjoyed as a guide”, I thought she was telling him about a beloved book from childhood, that she’d read when she was a Girl Guide. I initially thought it was really thoughtful of her husband to go to the trouble of seeking out a copy of the book 😳

I see the Christmas spirit is alive and well on Mumsnet as per usual! Some of you are really sad individuals.

Sweet baby Jesus 😳.
He's either really cleverly spiteful or an absolute dimwit. And the nerve, being upset you've bought your own gifts 😠.

Is he tight?

You obviously sold it to him so well he was keen to read it and thought he would kill two birds with one stone

What was his excuse?

glad a few things were helpful! you don't need to read minds, just be aware and pick up on thing you see or hear. If you're bad at remembering, then make a pinterest board to take notes of future gifts.

Hi OP, the key here is that your DH has set up a double bind trap.

On one hand he has been telling you that you are hard to buy for and it is too difficult for him to get you gifts, but then he gets in a mood with you for ordering your own gifts!

How can you possibly satisfy this man, the way he has set you up?

The clincher is that when you suggest the kind of books you would like, he gets it wrong, and this leads to a row. If he genuinely misheard/misunderstood, he would have been apologetic - that is the normal reaction in a loving relationship.

His behaviour suggests he wants to cause conflict and tension in the relationship.

It's called passive aggressive weaponised incompetence.

he deliberately bought you what you didn't want to give you a message.

so, is 2025 going to be the year you get rid of the problem and get on with a happy life, because it doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible,

My partner asked for a list of things I would like and chose from that, as well as getting a couple of other things I wasn't expecting. I just sent him a bunch of links. He always complains I'm difficult to buy for (I am pretty picky about jewellery and things). I'm happy and he's happy.

Yeh he didn't listen. He didn't want to buy you a present he just wanted the kudos of having bought you a present. So he stops you buying your own presents because you're spending too much in his eyes and asks what he can get you, then when you tell him he tunes out and hears "blah blah blah X book by Y author blah blah blah". Then he has a row with you for your annoyance that he didn't listen. How dare you be annoyed at anything ever, especially if it involves his failings! It's really really shit OP.

How is that different to buying her own presents? If they're sharing money. Why does he deserve gratitude for pressing "add to cart" and "pay now"? He complained about her buying her own presents.

It was a simple misunderstanding.
There must be deeper issues for op to feel so sad about it.

Just do a wish list next time with links so that he chooses something from those links. It will save you the frustration. Let it pass. No need to be angry a day longer about it. If there is something you really want and cannot wait for your birthday or Christmas, just get it yourself as a treat. You're worth it.

Why would he buy her a book she's already read is her point....she mentioned that particular book as a guide for the kind of books she likes.

Oh ffs she couldn't have been clearer, I can't believe how many people are confused.

Indeed! 😂

Either, he didn't intentionally buy her a book she'd already read; he remembered the author's name and couldn't remember which one OP had read (for example).

Or, he is not a reader (many men don't read fiction) and doesn't understand that you wouldn't routinely read a book again.

I find it hard to believe that this is strategic incompetence or some intentional dig. I think he is probably shit at buying presents and has a poor working memory.

@rarelilacfinch 🤣 back at ya!

Are you quite finished twisting yourself into knots apologising for that DH?

I do envy how shielded you seem to be, genuinely, it must be nice. But please don't dismiss OP's experience, she's explained what happened and how it made her feel, excusing away isn't kind or positive.
His behaviour was really quite nasty at worse and totally careless at best.
Would you like that done to you? Would you consider doing this to someone? I'm sure not, so why is it ok for OP? Maybe pass your way instead of gaslighting.

'Or, he is not a reader (many men don't read fiction) and doesn't understand that you wouldn't routinely read a book again.'
🙄Seriously?

@LucilePevensie Christ on a bike, he bought her a crap present not boiled her bunny. I think your response is completely OTT.

OP, next time tell him I'd like this, this, this or this. Don't leave it open to interpretation, as you can see he'll get it wrong. What I do find concerning is that he might have a chip on his shoulder about you buying yourself things, although I don't know the financial dynamics of your situation. If you have to go without to buy stuff, clearly that's an issue but if he objects to you spending money on yourself without asking permission that would be my issue and that's the part that needs sorting out.

Everyone is focusing on the crap present buying but it needs to be put in the wider context that they haven't been getting on for a while, and this is the final straw. It's not an isolated friction point.

@Namechange2272 I think you need to decide whether you want to keep going with the relationship or not. If you do, then a difficult but honest conversation is in order to see if he wants to keep going too. From the sound of it, whatever decisions you both make, change is coming.

@Ladybyrd I see why you would say my take is over the top, since all that seems to matter to you is money. To each their own.
And yes, the thread's title is 'the las straw' so not an isolated, insignificant miss.

But then the woman is yet again, taking up all the slack for the men and they get away with engineered incompetence to get out of doing anything at all.

@LucilePevensie Where did I mention money? Since you're so concerned, one of the items cost £3. Another £6. Another £60. I ask him what he wants and vice versa. He doesn't want to waste money on something I don't want and likewise. I do hope that's ok by you and my budget isn't out of control. I suppose I really ought to be self flaggellating over the turkey or something rather than opening presents, but that's just what WE like to do.

Some people are pragmatic. Some are antagonistic. OP can either sort things out or ltb, but an inability to purchase the right presents is an issue that can be resolved, in my humble opinion.

I understood the OP
but I think it’s really hard to expect someone to buy a book in that genre especially if you don’t know much about books . I’m a reader and I would find that hard - what have you already read ? How would he have a mental inventory of every book you’ve ever already read .
I think that was a slightly set up to fail task .
I think you don’t like him very much at the moment and the book was just the final straw of disappointed resentment.

I have been on this situation and the issue was the relationship not the presents in the end .

That's quite a strong reaction. I'm neither sheltered nor an apologist for useless men. I disagree that the example in the OP is an example of strategic incompetence.

It may be helpful for OP to have some other perspectives to the situation she presented, because there are other ways to interpret this single incident.

If you are assuming the worst possible motivations behind everything your partner does, the relationship is over. If you are interested in a long term relationship, you really have to do the opposite.