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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner of nearly a year is leaving me alone at Christmas

81 replies

Letty106 · 23/12/2024 00:18

Where do I begin? We have been together nearly a year. He has met my family and child. I haven’t his. I’ve only met some uni friends at a party I was his plus one for. He wanted me to attend his brother’s wedding but that was all talk. He also kept his child a secret from me for a while. His parents apparently know of me.
I fell pregnant a few months ago and he barraged me into an abortion. There were some concerning medical reasons but after an ectopic previously it’s unlikely I would get pregnant or ever will again. This was my only chance. I caved in and had a termination. Please don’t judge me. I’m 34 and he’s 49. He already has a child too. On one hand he’s very loving but then he’s been awful. It was only just before I terminated he warmed to the idea. I was left emotionally to deal with it. The whole thing has left me broken.
Anyhow, he said he wished to be with me at Christmas as I wouldn’t be with my family and alone. Also, after everything I really needed him. The following morning his took this back and is now with family over Christmas and fitting me in briefly on Boxing Day after the family walk. He’ll arrive in the evening and be off in the morning because I actually have to get back home etc and it’s a struggle. I booked a cottage, naïvely expecting he would join me. I also extended an invite re NY and he was reluctant and came up with silly reasons such as it’s not a big thing to him. Also, suggested Christmas Eve but he could make it as he was busy organising Christmas things with his parents/family. So, after everything I’ve been through he is fine knowing I’m alone. He’s also mad I have now booked a holiday to see friends abroad for NY and claimed I am a selfish partner as I never even asked him and took it upon myself nor did I invite him. To this end he put the phone down on me and is hardly speaking to me. He will often block me when he’s cross.
The other side to this is he says I’m everything to him and he wants a future and to do things in the right order such as marriage then children etc. I am so sad, hurt and feeling on my knees here. I’ve tried explaining but it falls on deaf ears and ends up with my faults being examined and he just doesn’t seem to understand. I’ve left it at that. I said I am hurt and tired of trying to get him to see/and struggle to believe he loves me as he claims. I can’t even succinctly detail the emotional pain I’m feeling currently.
Any pears of wisdom greatly appreciated and received.

OP posts:
OMGsamesame · 23/12/2024 00:19

Why 2 threads on this?

He's not a partner in any sense of the word. Run far away from him.

Marblesbackagain · 23/12/2024 00:20

It isn't a partnership.

Velvetbee · 23/12/2024 00:22

Judge people by what they do not what they say. This horrible man doesn’t deserve you. Dump him.

Original poster
Letty106 · 23/12/2024 00:22

I thought I did a poll not a post. New here. Apologies

OP posts:
Cadburyscreamegg · 23/12/2024 00:25

Is he married or in a rship? He's obviously hiding you for a reason.

goingdownfighting · 23/12/2024 00:25

Do you think
He could be married or in a relationship?

Sounds like he's giving you crumbs.

Elizo · 23/12/2024 00:25

Pkease read your post and consider what you would say to someone you love. You need to get away asap. Can someone support you through this? It’s horrible to be gaslit like this, so sorry

TwistedWonder · 23/12/2024 00:27

Sounds like he’s attached but please why are you wasting your time with a man so much older who treats you like shit?

This isn’t a relationship - don’t waste any more time on this piece of work throwing you a few crumbs.

RomComPhooey · 23/12/2024 00:28

Are you sure he isn’t married? He isn’t behaving like someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. All the cloak and dagger nonsense about Christmas seems wearing and a shade suspicious. Surely there must be a man out there who doesn’t generate this level drama and who would treat you better. As someone else says, pay attention to what he does, not what he says.

Editing to say the handful of posters who posted ahead of me while I was typing were more succinct. It is interesting we all picked up on the same thing.

Original poster
Letty106 · 23/12/2024 00:29

No he isn’t. I wondered that too. He’s obviously just a complete prick. It’s hard to let go when I’m so emotionally fragile.
There’s so much other stuff he’s done…he wanted me to pay him off if I kept the baby. For a long time he made me out to be a terrible person and said I am undeserving to carry his child ….then changed tact. Sadly I had made my decision to have a termination at that point. He had finally worn me down.

OP posts:
IDoLikeToBeByTheSea · 23/12/2024 00:29

He doesn’t want more kids. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t want you to be an active part of his life. He doesn’t respect you. Why be with someone like this? Why have your child around someone like this?

RomComPhooey · 23/12/2024 00:31

Letty106 · 23/12/2024 00:29

No he isn’t. I wondered that too. He’s obviously just a complete prick. It’s hard to let go when I’m so emotionally fragile.
There’s so much other stuff he’s done…he wanted me to pay him off if I kept the baby. For a long time he made me out to be a terrible person and said I am undeserving to carry his child ….then changed tact. Sadly I had made my decision to have a termination at that point. He had finally worn me down.

Have you considered that your current fragility may be related to the unhealthy dynamic in your current relationship? This kind of push-pull would be destabilising for even the most grounded person.

JoyousPoet · 23/12/2024 00:32

So sorry you’re going through this, lovely OP.

Most important thing is that he is abusive. He has treated you appallingly. Also sounds like he has another woman on the go.

Purely on his behaviour, he needs to go. You deserve so much better. Sending hugs. Xx

ToomanyMilesAway · 23/12/2024 00:42

You are 34. You don't need this crap in your life. Get rid of this man as soon as you can. Why would you do this to yourself? He doesn't care about you how you deserve to be.

maximist · 23/12/2024 00:44

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Then run far, far away.

hellohellooo · 23/12/2024 00:45

maximist · 23/12/2024 00:44

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Then run far, far away.

Yes x1000000

So sorry op

WomenInConstruction · 23/12/2024 00:47

IDoLikeToBeByTheSea · 23/12/2024 00:29

He doesn’t want more kids. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t want you to be an active part of his life. He doesn’t respect you. Why be with someone like this? Why have your child around someone like this?

👌👌👌

This is a terrible relationship.
You need to end it and think you'll find your mental health improves a lot because you won't be dealing with such hot/cold behaviour.

The mismatch between his sometimes nice words and his actual behaviour is huge. He's just got you dangling on a hook, you need to wriggle off and swim away.

Original poster
Letty106 · 23/12/2024 00:47

I’m overwhelmed by the time taken to respond. Thank you. I suppose I became so lost in it all, and as many others have- blinded by love. I never felt such love and it’s hard because in amongst it all I felt it reciprocated. Sadly, standing back, I can now see what others are and I have missed. I only wished I had kept my baby. I guess I’ll learn and heal in time. It’s been a year and I’ve lost so much. Lots of bereavement and fell prey to someone who likely saw what he could get emotionally, physically and financially 😓

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 23/12/2024 00:50

Correct. All the nice things were lies. All the cruel things were the reality. Leave this misbegotten relationship in the past.

Dibbydoos · 23/12/2024 01:07

Cadburyscreamegg · 23/12/2024 00:25

Is he married or in a rship? He's obviously hiding you for a reason.

That's what I thought.

Dibbydoos · 23/12/2024 01:09

@Letty106 sending you a big hug.

We've all been victims of AHs like this, sone of us even married them!

Good luck finding someone who deserves you and any babies that cone your way .

Have fun with your friends over NY x

Lurkingandlearning · 23/12/2024 01:12

You might not think so right now but once you ditch him your emotional fragility will start to heal straight away because it is him that is causing it

dontcryformeargentina · 23/12/2024 01:14

This man is a predator who used you. What you need is therapy to work on your self esteem and never choose someone like him again

Original poster
Letty106 · 23/12/2024 01:17

I know this. It’s what is whispering inside of me. He’s the root cause. The hard part is pulling the band aid off.

OP posts:
Ladyoatcookies · 23/12/2024 01:24

OP I think the root cause of why you’re feeling so bad is also your low self esteem. That is not to say he’s not 100% responsible for his bad behaviour, but ask yourself why you didn’t run a mile when you found out earlier that he was lying about/ hiding his child?

That alone would have me running for the hills never mind the not introducing you to his family and demanding you have abortion.

Please work on your self respect and self esteem . I really hope this vile man isn’t around your kid but he will be having a negative effect on your child regardless because if your mind is all over the place due to his actions, this will then impact your child.