Partner of nearly a year is leaving me alone at Christmas

[Letty106]

Where do I begin? We have been together nearly a year. He has met my family and child. I haven’t his. I’ve only met some uni friends at a party I was his plus one for. He wanted me to attend his brother’s wedding but that was all talk. He also kept his child a secret from me for a while. His parents apparently know of me.
I fell pregnant a few months ago and he barraged me into an abortion. There were some concerning medical reasons but after an ectopic previously it’s unlikely I would get pregnant or ever will again. This was my only chance. I caved in and had a termination. Please don’t judge me. I’m 34 and he’s 49. He already has a child too. On one hand he’s very loving but then he’s been awful. It was only just before I terminated he warmed to the idea. I was left emotionally to deal with it. The whole thing has left me broken.
Anyhow, he said he wished to be with me at Christmas as I wouldn’t be with my family and alone. Also, after everything I really needed him. The following morning his took this back and is now with family over Christmas and fitting me in briefly on Boxing Day after the family walk. He’ll arrive in the evening and be off in the morning because I actually have to get back home etc and it’s a struggle. I booked a cottage, naïvely expecting he would join me. I also extended an invite re NY and he was reluctant and came up with silly reasons such as it’s not a big thing to him. Also, suggested Christmas Eve but he could make it as he was busy organising Christmas things with his parents/family. So, after everything I’ve been through he is fine knowing I’m alone. He’s also mad I have now booked a holiday to see friends abroad for NY and claimed I am a selfish partner as I never even asked him and took it upon myself nor did I invite him. To this end he put the phone down on me and is hardly speaking to me. He will often block me when he’s cross.
The other side to this is he says I’m everything to him and he wants a future and to do things in the right order such as marriage then children etc. I am so sad, hurt and feeling on my knees here. I’ve tried explaining but it falls on deaf ears and ends up with my faults being examined and he just doesn’t seem to understand. I’ve left it at that. I said I am hurt and tired of trying to get him to see/and struggle to believe he loves me as he claims. I can’t even succinctly detail the emotional pain I’m feeling currently.
Any pears of wisdom greatly appreciated and received.

Ahh are you with someone who told you you don't deserve to carry their child? Read that back, it's absolutely abhorrent.

I say this with kindness.. Be thankful you're not shackled to a man like him. You can leave and never have to deal with him again - no ongoing custody, no maintenance drama, you just get to be done.

That's a helluva lot to go through in a year get rid.. he's a prick.

This is your life.

He's quite clear and consistent in his priorities. He's not interested in fathering your children or spending holidays with you or involving you in his life.

The question is what you are going to do about that knowledge.

He doesn't owe you the relationship you want from him.

You do owe it to yourself to take responsibility for your own happiness. You are 34. You've known him for just a year and it sounds quite a shitty year.

So try other ways to feel happy. Ways that he can't frustrate or twist. Ways that don't involve him.

Dating a jackass for a year is forgivable.

Continuing to do so means you'll get more of the same and worse and those who love you with have less and less sympathy because he's shown you who he is.

There's a world out there. Stop wasting your thoughts on him.

Read this

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Then text him saying the relationship is over, never contact you again. Then block him on phone, social media, email. Keep you doors locked and don’t answer if he comes to your home. Instead, immediately call the police and have him removed.

You are being abused and you do not deserve this. It’s not your fault. He won’t change. These men never do. The love you think you feel is from the cycle of abuse when he love bombs you then creates an incident to use as an excuse to treat you like shit. You are likely also trauma bonded.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/breaking-the-deceptive-and-toxic-cycle-of-trauma-bonding

Contact women’s aid for advice and support. Also, contact your local gum clinic and ask for counselling to help you process your termination.

There’s a better life ahead of you but you have to get away from this man. When you’re free, consider doing the freedom programme.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You don't need him. You've made it this far through everything alone. What a wanker! I doubt you'd ever treat anyone the same were the roles reversed, let alone someone you love.
Detach and find happiness x

This.

OP, you're being used as a warm bed and a convenient reserve. He certainly doesn't want to be with you long term or have children with you. He's a nasty manipulative game player and will only hurt you more.

Well done for arranging to go away at NY. He's in a mood over that because you aren't at home hanging off his every word and available for a quick roll in the hay.

Go to your lovely cottage, cook, take long walks and plan your 2025 without him.

Is he leading a double life, not what you want to hear but is he living with partner and children? You may have said but have you ever been to his place?

Awful for you op but take control you deserve so much more.

You need to end this, hes not a nice supportive partner to you, and you know this. There are so many lovely men out there for you, but hes not it. Don’t waste your time.

He is an absolute twat.

You need to get away from him

You are only 34 and he’s pushing 50. He is a selfish, self-centred, abusive prick.
A man who loves you can’t wait to spend Christmas and New Year with you. It’s that simple.
As for the slamming of phones and ignoring you, it’s abuse.
He knows you are fragile and doesn’t give a shit.
A lot of us will say the same - it’s hard, but you are young, you have so much to live for, and in 2025 you need some counselling to work on your self esteem.
You deserve a man who does more than fit you in after a family walk. What an arrogant tosser.
And we all know men like this get worse as they get older. At some point out you’d end up being the carer for a very nasty, spiteful old man.

Is this really a man you want in your child's life?

Why can't you be with your family for Christmas? Will your child be at their dad's?

Less than a year, and you regularly find this relationship upsetting?

Why remain?

He doesn’t seem to fit your ideas of what you want in a partner, and from your post it seems like communication between you is dreadful

As PP have said, if you judge him by what he does, not what he says - you know he’s not a good person. You don’t want him in your life. You need to block him totally and move on because otherwise he will lie and distort and manipulate. I suspect there’s a lot more going on (going wrong) than what you’ve seen already but frankly it doesn’t matter. You know enough - right now you’ll miss being in a relationship, being told you’re loved - but that’s not the reality of being with him. Please just cut all contact and flush him out of your head and your life.

Why are you letting this complete AH treat you so appallingly.

Be strong and cut him loose, and don’t ever let anyone treat you like this again.

You will be ok, but you need to find yourself again and get your self respect back.

Please, please end this.

He sounds like he's already in a relationship. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

You said he wanted me to pay him off if I kept the baby

This is one of the worst things I've ever heard on MN. Seriously, you're young, give yourself the best Xmas present ever and leave this dreadful man.

Can you cancel this cottage ? Just cancel it if you can and leave him. You don't need this in your life

RUN. For god's sake, love. RUN.

He's 15 years older than you. Of course he didn't want to be a father again at that age. He's grandfather generation.

That age gap will seem bigger and bigger the older you get and it will get worse with time.

He's also AN ARSE.

You've been together a matter of months Write it and him off as a false move and get back on track with your life.

If possible can you access therapy for your grief for your baby? Because this is what you're suffering with alone.

I agree. It’s awful.

OP- what on earth did he mean by ‘pay him off’ ?

did he want money to allow you keep his child? I’m dumbfounded by the cruelty and the twisted logic.

this person is a very nasty, damaged person if that is his mindset.

there are so many other reasons to leave him from your post, but this one points at a sadistic, malevolent character.

i know you are upset about the abortion, but it really is a good thing that you can cut this man out of your life completely. He would have used that child as a way to control and abuse you for the next 18 years.

you are 34 and there’s still time for another baby with another kind partner. Even if you think it will be difficult

@Letty106 My take on it, for what it's worth, is this:

He's horrible, treats you like a commodity to be picked up and put down whenever he feels like it, doesn't care about you; and you would be far better off without him in your life.

Make your New Year's resolution now, and dump the bastard.

? I'm speechless. After all that and you still didn't dump him?

Make it your New Year's Resolution if not your Christmas present to yourself.

Undeserving to carry his baby?!
Please get away from this evil man.

To put it bluntly OP hes an a nasty disgusting abusive cunt - please block him immediately and try and get support for your trauma.

Sadly these predators can sniff out vulnerability at 1000 paces so you need to heal yourself to stay free from this sort of abusive fuckers.

Do you want to spend another 10 years like this and end up with no real life or children having wasted yours for him? It should be SHOUTING at you.

It’s not a real relationship. I would dump him and enjoy my Christmas without his false promises.