Partner of nearly a year is leaving me alone at Christmas

[Letty106]

Where do I begin? We have been together nearly a year. He has met my family and child. I haven’t his. I’ve only met some uni friends at a party I was his plus one for. He wanted me to attend his brother’s wedding but that was all talk. He also kept his child a secret from me for a while. His parents apparently know of me.
I fell pregnant a few months ago and he barraged me into an abortion. There were some concerning medical reasons but after an ectopic previously it’s unlikely I would get pregnant or ever will again. This was my only chance. I caved in and had a termination. Please don’t judge me. I’m 34 and he’s 49. He already has a child too. On one hand he’s very loving but then he’s been awful. It was only just before I terminated he warmed to the idea. I was left emotionally to deal with it. The whole thing has left me broken.
Anyhow, he said he wished to be with me at Christmas as I wouldn’t be with my family and alone. Also, after everything I really needed him. The following morning his took this back and is now with family over Christmas and fitting me in briefly on Boxing Day after the family walk. He’ll arrive in the evening and be off in the morning because I actually have to get back home etc and it’s a struggle. I booked a cottage, naïvely expecting he would join me. I also extended an invite re NY and he was reluctant and came up with silly reasons such as it’s not a big thing to him. Also, suggested Christmas Eve but he could make it as he was busy organising Christmas things with his parents/family. So, after everything I’ve been through he is fine knowing I’m alone. He’s also mad I have now booked a holiday to see friends abroad for NY and claimed I am a selfish partner as I never even asked him and took it upon myself nor did I invite him. To this end he put the phone down on me and is hardly speaking to me. He will often block me when he’s cross.
The other side to this is he says I’m everything to him and he wants a future and to do things in the right order such as marriage then children etc. I am so sad, hurt and feeling on my knees here. I’ve tried explaining but it falls on deaf ears and ends up with my faults being examined and he just doesn’t seem to understand. I’ve left it at that. I said I am hurt and tired of trying to get him to see/and struggle to believe he loves me as he claims. I can’t even succinctly detail the emotional pain I’m feeling currently.
Any pears of wisdom greatly appreciated and received.

He’s barely speaking to you so that gives him a free pass not to have to speak to you over Christmas when he will be with his other partner/wife. He’s done that on purpose.

I am so sorry that he has done this to you. I am also sorry that he coerced you into having a termination.

However.

You are not tied to him with a child for the rest of your life. You can heal and start again. As you were pregnant following your ectopic pregnancy, there is no reason to think you can't get pregnant again. I wish you well.

Drop him a text on Christmas Day telling him it's over.

I think the last thing OP needs to think about is having another child or relationship with anyone at the moment.

Something is seriously not okay, not just with this man but with OP for entertaining this and she needs to look into this while focusing on her own child and staying away from any relationships until she has better self esteem and strong boundaries.

I just hope she won’t bring a child into this toxic relationship at the very least. It’s not fair on the baby at all. Sorry I just don’t get why people do this. This is not the type of father you give a child.

Get rid of him

@JFDIYOLO you’re half right: But it’s nothing to do with age, it’s that he’s an arse of the first order.

I see you've had lots of.good advice here.

You see him as your partner. To him, you are his girlfriend at best and his affair partner at worst.

You are not his partner.

I really have been taken aback by the advice and compassion shown. I’m pretty direct and straight up advice is the best sort of advice.
Sadly, despite moments of all the good stuff and the love, attention and tenderness I had been shown was displaced with utter cruelty, unkindness and abuse- I realise that is exactly what it is. I also have no way to confirm or deny if he is, indeed married or hiding something. I actually only know the village he lives. Sure, I know his parents names etc but that sort of detective work is effort and energy that is tedious and beneath me. Let him. I know I must hit block and delete. I just can’t bring myself to do it yet. I will. I haven’t the desire to reach out and say anything further. The thing I am trying most to focus on is protecting my mental and emotional wellbeing now. It’s the one thing that is keeping me from getting in touch. I know any contact will result in setting me back or further pain and abuse. The line in the sand was abandoning me after a horrific abortion and knowing I am suffering. I refuse to buy his crocodile tears regarding it and wanting a future with me. The man is a fantasist, cruel and there’s something very wrong afoot.
It won’t be easy when you truly loved a person with all of you and believed they were your one and only. I had never felt such a connection and able to talk and have someone on every level with me.

Looking back, I organised most dates, paid for most things and never once did I receive anything special back. Flowers no….nothing. And yes, his selective memory and the way he excuses his shitty behaviour is inexcusable. To ask me for a vast sum of money to continue with a pregnancy, tell me I am undeserving to carry his child and that I am evil for not agreeing to an abortion and consider him …..because he did not consent and I was stealing from him. That was the initial stages he swept under the rug once he became attentive and apparently wanted the baby. I had some medical issues too which made pregnancy dangerous so soon after a very serious operation and he sat and watched the pain I was in until I could not endure more. I was a serious contender for internal bleeding.
To be honest, I think he saw the family I came from….money and played me. He also declared he would only love the child he already has and she will always come before me and I should know that. Said child is estranged from him for three years….makes you wonder. Apparently her mother is “crazy” and a narcissist 🤭
I just have to be strong now and not get sucked in by his words and playing to my feelings of love. Could be worth changing my number. I just can’t believe I lost myself so much. And to top it off my father died the other day…..my mother also passed away a few years ago in an accident. So, yes, I definitely will need to seek some professional help and therapy!

OP with kindness the man you loved and felt a connection with doesn’t exist. Hrs a fantasy, a facade that this cruel manipulative bastard puts on to reel you in so he can throw you just enough crumbs to keep you where he wants you to be.

He’s a nasty wicked evil piece of shit. And yes once the dust settles, please seek therapy to understand why you settled for this abuse and why you ignored more red flags than a communist party rally.

Oh OP, I think this is sad. But I'm glad you're realising that it's not okay. I'd say that he is displaying significant covert narcissistic traits. Which is only relevant in that it allows you to see (and predict) the behaviour as obviously a diagnosis is not somethign you or the internet can provide and frankly, it's not that important in this context either.

I think it's entirely posible you are the OW. But even if you're not, he's made it clear that he will always behave appallingly. You need to end this and move on. Enjoy your trip to NYC and use it as a springboard for a life free of this freeloading wanker.

You have been through so much and deserve better than this terrible man. End relationship he’s abusive and not worthy of your time and thoughts. He is quite possibly married. Some therapy would really help i’m sure. Be kind to yourself and look forward not back🌼

For comedy extra he blocked me when I asked for half my medical costs covering and I said that is the only conversation we are having or I show up. So very predictable

Dear @Letty106 Please be kind to yourself until you've recovered from this miserable man. They reckon a month for every year you're with someone.
You're much better off without this awful human in your life.
Look forward to the New Year. It'll be better. I promise.

I would tell him now.

This is not the relationship, partner, treatment, life, future you see for yourself.

End it in a civilised and clear way.

Then tomorrow go out and get your Christmas day food, treats, etc .

Buy yourself a present from you to you for the future.

Plan your Christmas day TV viewing.

Include a walk, fresh air, exercise.

Text or call friends etc and make plans to see them in the new year.

Block him everywhere.

I'm convinced you don't know the full picture and wouldn't be surprised if you're the bit on the side.

Time to take control.

Block him.

Pearl of Wisdom:

Ditch the horrible man.

Do a lot of nice things you enjoy. I'm about to have a Christmas dinner for one. I love Christmas dinner, it's all properly done not a ready meal! I'm alone today but tomorrow and Wednesday I should be with family. If that doesn't happen, it will be fine. Do the things that matter to you, and put him out of your mind and out of your life.

He's not your partner.

Also, he's 49 and close to his sell-by date.
You're 34 and only just coming into your prime.
He isn't worth your time.

True and the last part made me laugh:)

The best Christmas present you can give yourself is to LT vile B.

@Letty106 please block and ignore this dude forever. Please also consider therapy for your self esteem. No one deserve this treatment.

A few years ago I managed to end a relationship that wasn't working for me by imagining how I'd feel a year from now. It was a New Year's Eve event and I felt so stressed and sad, and I just thought to myself I DO NOT want to feel this way in a year's time. The next day I ended it. It took until May to feel happy again tbh, BUT I KNOW I did the right thing. ( and I was a lot older than you ). Be your own future best friend OP, get rid of this vile man and open up room in your life for sanity, joy, peace of mind, self respect and hope. You're better off single than in this state. And You create space for someone wonderful to come into your life and adore and cherish you. Don't You deserve that?

You do NOT want to be feeling this way in a year's time...do you..?

I also highly recommend this book by Paul McKenna, I can mend Your Broken Heart. It has a v powerful exercise which helps you let go of your partner and put them behind you. I highly recommend you read this book whilst you're in this cottage and do this exercise, I think it will really help you.

www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Mend-Your-Broken-Heart/dp/0593055772

Oh you don't know what peace and contentment awaits you once you rip this band aid off. Find your own self love, you KNOW you are worth it 😘
I was actually in something quite similar but nowhere near as bad.
I was reluctant to block him as that meant facing the truth!
One morning I woke up to find he had blocked me. After a little snooping I found that he had indeed met someone new. This was all during COVID lockdown and they managed to marry and subsequently have a child.
That stung like crazy and being in lockdown too. You can imagine the emotional pain. 😭.
Be as brave as Batwoman and block that cruel AH. You sound lovely by the way. Too lovely for him. 🤬