December 2024 - but we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

New thread

I am struggling with it also. Unlike others I don’t have the support of my partner. So I’m trying my hardest to de-program.

Yes I understand, I'm long long divorced and in general very happy to be single. But I must admit to feeling very wistful about the idea of having a supportive partner.

I’ve too many sick relatives at the moment so can’t really go anywhere. I do think my partner would move somewhere with a bigger garden and maybe the sea or something so as long as I don’t mention too much my reasons and kept it about having a lovely space and view it would be possible in the future. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of anyway. A dog and the sea or a forest and my kids coming to stay etc.

I don’t think I could, no.
Im quite eaten up by the fact they believe the lies about me. The things that have been said (that I know about) are so removed from who I actually am. It’s like they’ve flipped my character over and have told everyone that I’m the polar opposite of who I am.
They’ve taken things I enjoy and things I valued in myself and flipped them on their heads into something else that’s really dark, so I’ve become too scared to do the things I enjoyed or be the person I valued. I’ve completely erased myself to nothing as a result.
I feel so hurt by people that I think if I said ‘believe what you want’ I’d probably look bitter and the Narc(s) would enjoy knowing I’m hurting.

@Happyfarm Do the sick relatives rely on you for support or are there others that could help out with them to allow you to do that sooner rather than later?

These are people I’m happy to be helping really. But it is how I envision my future. In a house by the sea in wales. It reminds me of my dad and the one comfortable memory I have.

Sorry if this is triggering for anyone but I have a question. Once your mum (or family member) died how did you feel?

I have been thinking about this and I feel like I have grieved for the mother I didn’t have already. I’m not sure I will be sad or happy….

Pointpoint I was with my mother when she died. I shed a tear at the moment of death but the following morning I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom.

Occasionally I feel sad for her as a human being to have died without being mourned. My eldest dc mourns her and monster ex sister did / does but I don't.

I don't think or feel anything about not having had a proper mother, it just doesn't compute or occur to me.

Relief. I was NC, I didn't then or since give it much thought, I didn't go to funeral. The year before I went NC she was so awful that it used up the last of my feelings towards her.

Do you mourn not having had a good family Binkie? I don't care at all.

No, I have worked hard and done ok for myself. Obviously my life might have been easier/happier had my parents not been alcoholic twats but I'm not one for analyzing the past, it is what it is, I can't change it, I prefer to move and look forward. It is much easier to look forward without the family baggage and bullshit.

I got a letter from a solicitor about my mother a few years ago and before I read it, I assumed it must be because she had died. I was more upset than I thought I would be. I was upset because that was it, and there would never be any chance of me having a good relationship with her.
It turned out that she had an inheritance and they couldn't find her so they contacted me.

I was thinking the other day about my mum and how super controlling she was. I remembered how well behaved I was compared to my own children who shout and throw tantrums etc. Just yesterday I was thinking oh my if I behaved like this I would have got a smack. I have turned into an adult who thinks acts of emotions is a scary thing. I get scared of my own feelings as if they are bad and wrong. It is a wonder so many adults have no idea what to do with feelings.

It makes me laugh when you hear the older generation talk about how stupidity sensitive the young generations are. I wonder if they will be more emotionally healthy?

@Happyfarm Being scared of your emotions really resonated. Sitting with them rather than squashing them with a packet of biscuits or a bottle of wine is something I am definitely working on! I remember my mum looking at my kids doing normal kid things and saying "They need a good smack!"
I replied that if she ever did, she wouldn't be seeing them again.
Didn't stop her from glaring at them whenever she was disapproving.
My MiL was the total opposite and they loved her. Not really bothered about my mum now though unsurprisingly!

I felt like I had been let out of prison. I have never looked back.

One of the best things I did was to give away her money. That would have killed her had she not already been dead. She was unusual in the 50s in that despite both working minimum wage jobs they were able to buy a house. DH parent lived in a council house as did, he and I. Every single day she would say, at least you will have this house when I die.

I knew it would choke me to spend a penny of it so when she died I gave the lot to my kids. It was my revenge very sweet.

This is probably going to be long and rambled, I keep waking up at around 3am every day and I cannot get back to sleep because I keep getting so upset

TLDR -- really sad and upset that I've had a shit childhood and now I have to deal with things as an adult that I should of been taught about when I was younger

I had a really shitty childhood with an abusive mum. She would lock us in the garden at night if we were messing about, beat the shit out of us all, we used to get a lift off a friend's dad to school and if we pissed her off she would make whoever annoyed her miss the ride and we would have to walk to school on our own. She slated all of our dads off to us and alienated every single one of us against our other families. She would slag us all off to each other and turn siblings against each other. She would smash our house up in a rage and tried to stab my dad in front of us.

My younger sister is autistic and our mum refused to put her in a school that suited her needs. She never even told her she was autistic and told the rest of us not to tell her. She finally told her in her 30's and my sister went no contact

I had been NC for 6 years, let her in around 2 years ago and she went on a mission to turn my child against me. I am NC again now and will not be letting her into our lives again

I was raped when I was 18 and I rang my mum hysterical and asked her to come and get me. She said no. I was begging on the phone. When I was 11/12 I had 2 febral seizures whilst with my dad and sister, both times ended up in hospital overnight as was having fits whilst at hospital. My mum called me a liar and an attention seeker despite there being medical proof

As an adult I did ask her about some.things and she just twisted it to make out like she didn't know what was going on, or on other people. She said she didn't believe me about the seizures because My dad had said I'd stopped breathing 🤦‍♀️

She's done shit stuff to all of us, she spoilt my sisters wedding and went home early sulking without saying goodbye ( was an abroad holiday too) My other sister gave my mum a really nice expensive car and my mum was still slagging her off to the rest of us. I believe she is a narcissist. She always has a favourite child whilst slagging off the others

There has been so much go on. She kicked me out when I was 14. I stayed with my friend and her family for a very long time.

I was diagnosed with adhd in 2023 and autism in 2024. My daughter was diagnosed with adhd and autism in 2024 too.

Did my mum know I was autistic aswell and just did the same as she did to my sister?

She has barely seen me be a parent, my kids are happy healthy and loved yet she is constantly running round saying I am abusive. It's an absolute joke considering how she treated us

When my daughter was diagnosed In her report it stated that she has signs of developmental trauma ( I was in a dv relationship until she was 2.6 ) and that developmental trauma can be caused by the mother going through traumatic things whilst pregnant with the baby

I am really trying to support my daughter the best I can. She is starting physcotherapy next week. We have a lot of proffesional support. Before she was diagnosed it was brutal because they do blame your parenting for how your child is acting. It's a battle to get them diagnosed and supported

Also, being undiagnosed can lead to trauma

I feel like, I am the only one who has been Willing to support their ND child, I'm the only one who doesn't have an abusive man around her children, I've been single since I left their dad, she's 10 now.

Where was my support growing up? Why wasn't I taught the skills I needed to live a life with ND? Why have I had to learn everything by myself and it feels like I'm the one whose paid the price for it?

She slags me off to everyone. She has spent the last 10 years slagging my dad off. Calling him a pedo saying he did stuff to her brothers body wct ( My dad works at a morgue ) she's so sinister with the shit she does. And now, because I'm.no contact with her she's suddenly up my dad's arse having days out with him. It's just disgusting all of it

I've always felt really sorry for her because she also didn't have the best childhood. I've always excused the way she's been because she didn't have anyone to teach her

But she also didn't want to learn? Anyone who disgarwed with her or didn't act like she wanted them to, alienated from the family for years until she moved onto a new victim

I have spent over 25 years blaming myself, I have hated myself. Depression, anxiety, anorexia. Spent years blaming myself for her behaviour towards me and actually, it's not me. It's her. She's a monster

@CantSleep2024

So sorry

Your mum is autistic, too, and probably her parents as well. She didn't have her needs met as a child and developed maladaptive coping mechanisms, which is why she presents as narcissistic.

Once I started to understand this about my MIL, it helped me to understand her a bit better.

can'tsleep is it anger or sadness that's waking you? Are you NC with her now?

Both of my adult kids have asd and one has adhd. I suspect I do too but not diagnosed and don't care. I think my whole foo is littered with asd and adhd.

I don't excuse the foo because of the ND though, it doesn't make one a nasty narc bitch. That's caused by being a nasty piece of work.

I've been thinking about something.

None of us had great childhoods and aren't nasty to others because of it, if anything it has made me kinder and more thoughtful. They could have made the same choice.

When I was diagnosed and my DD I gently tried to point out some similarities between us all and she wouldn't have it. She told me she "didn't give a fuck" about autism and wouldn't be treating my DD any differently. I wasn't asking anyone to treat her differently, I just wanted my family to be aware of how her brain works/communicates

It's me being so understanding that has led to me feeling the way I do. I have always forgiven her, excused her bad behaviour because of her own trauma ect, always blamed myself. But she refuses to change or learn

Mainly sadness. I am very hurt. Little bit of anger thrown in now and then. But mainly hurt.

Yes am NC but she asks about me via other family members which really irks me as its just fuel for her to rant about

I agree, I haven't had a nice childhood and my life has been filled with one trauma after another. And I try really hard to be a positive cheerful person. I would never ever treat my children the way she treated us. I think you can be ND and be a narcissist... I could easily be a nasty cow and be horrible to everyone because of how horrible I feel inside, but I wouldn't want to hurt people like that. She likes to control, hurt and then act like a victim

I've been thinking about food and substances, displacement stuff. A few of you have mentioned that you have struggles in various ways.

I've struggled with weight all my life and am extremely fat atm. I used to struggle with alcohol but haven't for many years now. I'm also desperate to give up fags but can't make myself.

I annoy myself and ruin my own life with this bullshit. I'm disastrous at romantic relationships and have never had a happy relationship. I've been single for 20 years now. Any time I'm slim and attractive I end up in another unsatisfactory relationship.

I don't mean dv or anything, just I don't pick them, I let them pick me. Then I don't fancy them or find them annoying.

I feel quite wistful seeing other people's happy relationships and thinking 'that is something I'm just not capable of'. I'm happy for other people to have what they have but it just feels 'other' to me.

I get on perfectly well with men platonically and of course all people are individuals. I don't know, I guess I'm just defective.

can'tsleep she sounds like a classic narc, the lack of change and unwillingness to learn are so familiar. It's enraging when they find out anything about your life via mutual contacts.

A few months ago I felt really crippled with anger, waking up in the night and just raging silently to myself about the lies and injustices.

It did pass and I don't feel anything really about the foo anymore. More just annoyed with myself for not moving forward with my own behaviours now that the threat has passed.

Can you cut off mutual contacts? So you don't hear anything whatsoever about her? Me and monster ex sister have one mutual contact who is a slight acquaintance of hers and a very close friend of mine.

I didn't want to be controlling of my friend and I do trust her so I asked her to please never give me information or mention her name to me.

So you could ask people just not to tell you what is being said about you and don't mention her name.

I've just been reading back over this thread and one of the comments that really resonated was the question of why WE are not behaving towards our children in the same way our parents did, given the likelihood of family dysfunction and abuse in both upbringings?
I have often wondered why I have tried to break the circuit but my mother never did. I know she didn't have an emotionally secure upbringing but nor did I. What made me seek to change the story and not her? Is it awareness?
She seems totally unaware of the huge damage she inflicted with the veiled threats, smacking, open and scathing criticism, belittling, judgmental comments about anyone she didn’t deem as acceptable (heaven forbid she came across anyone in leggings - they were on a par with murderers!)
I don't know how much of her behaviour was/is intentional but the effects are, as someone said upthread, the same.
I will continue to visit albeit with a clearer boundary after yesterday's shenanigans but I do it for myself, so I can be confident that when she goes, I won't have any cause for regret that I didn't do more (because that is how my mind works).
That was a bit rambly but it helps to set it out!
I am so thankful for finding you all!

Hi all, I dip in and out over the years here, some of you are having a hard time so sending love.
It’s shit isn’t it? Having to deal with all this.

I took the plunge and totally by surprise to myself and went NC on December 27th. I blocked on all devices and so did my husband. She wanted to me to visit and I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t.

I’ve been up and down as I process the gravitas of this. I can’t decide yet whether it’s permanent. I would like it to be. But I have young children who have a relationship with her. My DD’s birthday was in January and this rose a lot of emotions again. Low contact is sometimes easier I felt, but it was so hard, every time there was an interaction it was utterly bonkers and terribly upsetting.

I’m used to going long periods without talking to her, but with children I feel bad for her not seeing them. She doesn’t have relationships with her other GC either for reasons which stem back to her. But it’s not my fault.
My mantra is “i deserve better”. I keep telling myself every day.
the permanence of it makes me sad. I haven’t decided though.
It’s such a heavy weight.