She seems to reject me because of political views

[Komarowsky]

Hi!

A woman started chasing me with what seemed to me genuine interest. We went out on several dates and had a lot of fun. She started calling/texting quite often.

In our last date she asked me about previous relationships and seemed very invested. However, at some point, as if checking the boxes in a list, she started talking about politics. When she realized I do not strongly support her political views she became kind of aggressive and dismissive.

Ever since, she has kept the contact - she still calls and contacts me from time to time and is cordial with me, but has become distant.

For me political differences are not a red flag, as long as I have a decent person in front of me. Furthermore, we did not discuss ideas or values, so I feel she is a bit bigoted and has reduced me to a stereotype.

I assume at this point I don't stand a chance, but I really like her and think she is a great person. Any idea what I could do to tear down the wall she has built between us?

Thanks!!!

I think several of your answers are the result of prejudice and stereotypes. I did not convey to her my view, nor did I show myself as morally superior. Just listened with empathy without confronting… Whatever
Thanks to those providing a helpful honest reply!

Has it occurred to you that your answers appear to be the result of some baked in misogyny? She is not obliged to date you. It doesn't matter what the reason is.

You seem to think she just needs to see sense, and that once she realises that you're right and she's wrong then you can both get together. At no point have you even acknowledged that relationships rely on BOTH parties being mutually interested.

I imagine the irritation I feel when I read this response is a fraction of how she feels dealing with this attitude in person. You are utterly, irrevocably convinced that anyone who disagrees with you is prejudiced, falling for stereotypes, unable to think critically or too ignorant to understand your point of view. The idea that you might be the one in the wrong is as alien to you as whiskers on a frog. You will find that women generally find this both exhausting and unattractive.

I'd get some therapy, mate

You need help

No, it is certainly not that, but it seems some of you would like it to be true.

i do NOT think she has to date me
I do NOT thinks she is wrong
I do NOT think that the reason does not matter. There is a difference between thinking you are entitled to an explanation and wanting to understand why someone so interested and invested in me pulls away when she senses we are not fully aligned politically. For the record, she is still in touch and certainly not angry with me, as I did not patronize her.

If I was her, which I’m not, I would have a conversation before jumping into conclusions

Take care

She's just not interested in you. Leave it.

But you aren't her. Trying to apply your own standards and how you think she should behave, is pointless.

Instead you're festering about the fact that you really like her, but she doesn't feel the same way. Move on.

I actually think the issue may be that she finds your desire to deconstruct and argue political points while in the throes of a new relationship very dull indeed.

As would most people.

(ETA I say that as a lifelong socialist, former shop steward and union officer who can argue politics with a wall. I just expect more erm passion from a new relationship, y'know, cocktails and kissing, etc)

She can not date you for absolutely any reason she likes, and there’s nothing you can or should do to try and force things.

Intolerant and irrational are rather negative, judgemental words.

So is “fatty”. Hasn’t stopped you tonight.

You only went on two dates with her. There wasn't any investment and she doesn't owe you any explanation. You could ask her directly what's going on/ why is she still in touch etc. It doesn't matter why she doesn't fancy you or doesn't feel she clicks with you/ she just doesn't. I'm a definite leftie but CBA discussing politics in detail nowadays and it would be a turn off if someone wanted to run through and critically break down all of my views, not because I'm trying to get everyone to conform to them, I just CBA to talk about it.

Unless she specifically pointed to politics as the reason, I wouldn't assume it to be so. It may be a combination of many differences that made her think you are not compatible, only one of which is your political view.

If she did indeed disregard you for your political view, I think you dodged a bullet.

People who select their friends/partners on the basis of their political opinions tend, in my experience, to be fairly shallow and tiresome.

You have avoided the bullet, IMO.

Really?

I find that people who select partners on the basis of thibgs like looks and income to be pretty shallow.

Politics and political leanings on the other hand tend to underpin peoples attitudes towards many aspects of life and form the basis of basic compatibility.

I don't tend to consider them in friendships in quite the same way. Although, I know a few people whose politics I really disagree with and that is why they are acquaintances rather than close friends.

Tbf, people can have whatever dealbreakers they like. If you feel she's bigoted, why would you want to keep dating her? That's really odd and suggests to me that you don't like her at all. You either like an idea of her you've constructed in your head or, she her as someone to fill a role you've invented and couldn't give a shit who she actually is.

Personally I can respect views even though I don't share them. But if, for example, a man thought biological men belonged in womens sports, prisons or safe spaces I'd write him off as either a woman hater, a moron or a coward. So there's no way I'd date him. Some issues are really important to individuals and there's no wiggle room.

I don't think you are patronising but I don't think you can force a relationship. If her heart is not in it anymore, I can't see it working.

She doesn't need a logical reason not to pursue the relationship. She doesn't want it - THE END.

Whatever you said made her think you’re incompatible or have values that are too far apart.
As is her choice.

You dint ‘tear walls apart’ aka you can’t force someone to be with you if they dint want to.
I get you’re disappointed but I’m uneasy that your first reaction is to make her see how wrong she is and she shouldn’t be holding the views she has (about you).

Well…. I wouldn’t want a friend who thinks the far right extremist, racist and/or sexist ideas are amazing for example

If it makes me shallow so be it but it’s too far away from my own values.
I’m struggling enough with the family members who think like this.

For me to date anyone, them being passionate about social and political issues (and be very much on the same page as me) is essential. If they're right, centre, or 'not political', we wouldn't even get as far as a first date.

Just because you don't understand why it's an issue, it's important to her - so you need to accept it.

Or maybe that's what they actually believe and the fact you discuss it as 'fashionable ' is why they don't want to talk to you about it.

It sounds OK to me. I couldn't be with a Tory or a Reform voter because they wouldn't share my values. That's not extremism.

She is entitled to make whatever choices she makes about politics, dating, anything...you on the other hand do not have the right to keep pursuing her or have any entitlement to break her down and disrespect her boundaries because that's what you want and it's all about you and your needs because you like her and think you are well suited. Leave her well alone, take a hint, and stop being narcissistic.

"It’s also hard to believe for me; that’s why I’m so puzzled she does not even want to know my opinion"

Many many people on the world do not care about my opinion or yours .
She possibly did kinda fancy you a bit, now for this or another reason she doesn't and may even has got the full blown ick, so cannot be bothered to spend/waste time listening to your carefully considered critical thoughts on politics or anything else. Oh well.

Hmmmm....being over critical about politicians as a group is a bit of a turnoff for me, I have to say. Don't get me wrong- terrible decisions are being made on a regular basis, but I find the "Oh, all politicians are awful and corrupt, what do you expect?" argument to be both grating and intellectually lazy.