Another weekend not talking to each other

[GRTP]

So yet again DH and I are sitting in different rooms studiously 'not talking'. This feels as if it's becoming a pattern and I don't know how to nip it in the bud. I don't know if it's a sign of something more worrying or just an issue of crappy communication that can be fixed.

I would say that we have a very happy marriage generally, we are friends as well as partners, we make each other laugh, have plenty in common etc. But when we argue things just seem to get blown out of proportion these days and we end up not speaking for hours and hours with a crappy atmosphere. We both hate it but I'm at a loss as to how to change it.

We have very different arguing 'styles' - I tend to 'explode' and then want to sit down and talk it out, he shuts down and doesn't engage. I do get frustrated and door-slammy (not good, I know), he stonewalls. He hates my way of dealing with things, I hate his, neither of us are handling conflict 'well' at the moment. So we get to an impasse.

I went into the sitting room earlier to show him something that had arrived for Christmas and said 'I'm sorry, I just feel really stressed about X' (related to the issue that had sparked this morning's row). He just went 'ok' and stared back at the tv. I get that he's pissed off with me but he just gives me the silent treatment for hours and it drives me spare. He's even made a point of shutting the sitting room door now (we don't usually) ie: don't come in.

I'm so fed up with this. I can cope with the row, it's the hours and hours of stonewalling until he's ready to talk to me that wears me out. I feel like I spend a lot of time and energy supporting him but if I show frustration or fedupness with anything I'm the bad guy.

Has anyone got any advice on how to get better at managing this?

Stop slamming doors and exploding.
I would stonewall or walk away from someone behaving like that.

Go in and ask him for a chat about whatever the issue was today.

Ask him if he has any ideas on how you can both handle disagreements better.

Have you got any ideas about how you can handle it better that you can share or put into practice? Can you raise things earlier before you explode? How will you raise things? Will you agree to text him ‘I need to raise an issue that’s bugging me, when can we discuss over a tea?’

How will he raise an issue - will he text something similar instead of sulking or whatever?

Agree a way forward. Being humor into it if you can.

It sounds really unpleasant. But from my perspective if my partner was exploding and slamming doors I would be terrified. My DH used to be like this and I nearly left and he ended up in long term therapy to handle his emotions.
I am not saying your behaviour is abusive but to me I would feel better it was. Equally the not speaking is so unpleasant.
have you considered that maybe therapy for both of you might be helpful. Maybe find more healthy ways to cope with disagreements?

Feeling exactly the same right now, it’s exhausting.
we had a minor fall out over something and now we’ve barely spoken in days. He needs to come up with a plan for this (without going into details it’s his fault 100) but he deals with it by ignoring the issue, refusing to discuss whilst doing loads of cleaning and buying things he knows I’ll like like flowers and mince pies.
I’m so tired of it. sorry I don’t know how to advise you, just know you’re not alone this weekend 🍷

Also if he didn’t want to go to therapy together , maybe think more about working on your own skills. I guess if you weren’t exploding he wouldn’t be giving the silent treatment.

Obviously this will.sound defensive but what I mean is that my reaction is short and sharp and then it's over. Yes, I have slammed a door or screamed into a pillow out of frustration, I'm not sure that I'm scary or abusive but maybe I am.

Giving someone the silent treatment is abuse.

I would sit down with him and tell him that if he continues that you are heading for divorce. I could not live with him behaving like this.

Go to couples therapy?

If you can’t do that start educating yourself on your own patterns snd trying to change them. Like it or not the only person you can control is yourself.
So look first at yourself. change your own behaviors and see if this changes his. If you come from a loud, explosive, and door slamming family culture you may not know how disturbing it is to be shouted at, to have an atmosphere of suppressed violence aimed at you. He doesn’t like it snd heads into freeze/avoid mode. This could be because he is instinctively frightened that you sill escalate or frightened that he will retaliate. Either way avoidance and silence are his response to your explosions.

It sounds like things spin out of control fast and you justify it to yourself because you “support him do much” or maybe you feel taken advantage of, or ghat your voice isn’t heard until you get angry? Maybe he isn’t aware that he made you do something or you conceded domething and then whatever he asks for is that straw that breakd ghe csmels back. So you are subconsciously trying to get back some control or power and he thinks its an ordinary discussion about who is walking the dig? In other words : why are you do angry snd hot? Are you trying to be heard? Trying to get him to recognize how much you do? Trying to be appreciated? Anger isn’t a very good tool to redress any of these imbalances. Its your go to but its not his.

Try to recognize that people repeat patterns if engagement that they saw growing up. For you annger snd explosion are normal. But not for him. For each of you the cycle of engagement leads, sadly, to repulsion snd estrangement. Try to stop yourself from entering this dangerous pattern. Disengage calmly and walk away before you get to ghe explosive part. If you can try yo Ask him for a hug or more empathy rather than jumping to aggression.

See if this changes things.

And tbh I haven't done either of those things today! Just aware that that is how I handle conflict sometimes.

I'm just fed up with stupid spats about daft stuff being turned into day-long silent crapfests.

It doesn't sound like a happy marriage. Why are you exploding over daft stuff? Why is he sulking for days?

Op is trying to resolve things by apologising but he is still stonewalling and giving the silent treatment. That is shitty behaviour, and it is him that is perpetuating the cycle

Thank you for understanding my pov.

I fully acknowledge my part in any argument we may have, but my point is that stuff that could be resolved with an apology and a chat just drags on and on. He won't look at me or talk and has shut the door on me, literally. That's extremely frustrating and upsetting.

It takes two to tango. I think stinewalling and silence are abusive. But OP can only look to changing her own patterns and trying to see if he can change his in response. If she hasn’t described her rage issues clearly and she is reacting to what he does—like if he is starting the conflict—she needs to get out. But she thinks she doesn’t want to throw the whole relationship away yet. So I think she should think hard about the cycle they are in and whether she can interrupt it ir change it.

I'm sorry, I don't think my behaviour can be considered a 'rage issue'.

What are the arguments about?
Do they follow the same pattern?
Is it mainly one person starting them?

For eg, maybe you regularly give out to him about the state of the house but to him a bit of mess is perfectly acceptable and he's given up trying to get you to see his point of view cos' you sound like you're a 'my way or the highway ' type of person.

If I get upset, sometimes I raise my voice, I have left the room and slammed the bedroom door or similar on occasion. Then I very quickly apologise and ask if we can talk it out. I am a human being who is imperfect and finds being given the silent treatment very difficult.

Perhaps next time I'll just write a stiffly-worded letter to The Times.

You said you "explode" slam doors, scream into pillows. Do you do this at work? With family? Friends? Or is it just reserved for your partner?

Ok then I misunderstood. So what is going on, in your opinion? If you sat down and wrote a transcript of a “daft argument “ when would it jump the rails?

you sound like you're a 'my way or the highway ' type of person.

Ok, cool.

It was actually about the fact that he wants to change jobs for the 7th time in 3 years but, yeah, ok.

Sorry, I thought I could get a bit of support and a listening ear from equally flawed normal humans here but, my mistake.

As he will be thinking, when there's a problem I don't escalate matters by getting angry, I don't argue.

What needs do you fall out about? Not what issues, but what are the beliefs perceptions and vulnerabilities nserneath the issues?
Like, a spat about unloaded dishwasher could be about feeling you have no agency, or unappreciated.

Talk about the needs when calm

I consider myself fairly normal. I don't go around shouting and slamming doors, that is aggressive behaviour. Sounds like an unhappy marriage. Wouldn't surprise me if he's sitting plotting his exit.
I think you need counselling.

Hello, you both need to read Hold me tight by Sue Johnson. Trust me, this will help you both so so much!

Merry Christmas!

Mine used to manufacture an argument every weekend (Saturday morning) so he could flounce out and do what he wanted for the weekend (he could do what he wanted without the argument so no idea why he felt the argument was necessary). And before we ever went away for a few days, he always did the same. Stupid things, like arranging to go out - then he would get into the car and drive it three doors down to wait for me, rather than outside the villa where the car had been parked. He did it once when he was meant to be taking me to the airport - drove the car 50 yards away from where it had been parked outside the villa. So I booked an Uber and went back inside the house. He was then astonished that I had done this. He used to make just HIS side of the bed. He would put HIS things into the dishwasher. We are no longer together. Petty actions like this finished it. I don't get the sinking feeling any more when I hear a key in the door.

Door slamming is just as bad as stonewalling, you are going through a stage of not liking each other.
When this happens with my DH and I we found a daytime date does the trick. We go for a long walk and grab some lunch or coffee and it seems to clear the air.

Both of you don’t know how to communicate.
And what was annoying before but tolerable now isn’t.

You BOTH need to change.
But as you can only change your behaviour and not his, you need to start changing yours….

Id have a look at non violent communication.
At the very least, you need to walk away when you can feel the argument is starting. Calm down. Think about what you want to say. Come back when you’re calm and not dysregulated. The fact the dysregulation is short lived doesn’t matter. It’s still crap behaviour.

Ignore the stone walling and get on with your day. It might be that it’s a protection mechanism from your dh side (so it should disappear if you communicate calmly). Or maybe that his own dysregulation. Either way, stewing on how unfair it is isn’t going to help anyone.

NOTE: when I say walk away and calm down. I don’t mean stone walling him (which is a punishment really). I mean telling him that you can feel you’re getting g angrier and angrier and you need a bit of time/30mins to calm down to start the conversation again. Agree you’ll come back afterwards to carry on.