Another weekend not talking to each other

[GRTP]

So yet again DH and I are sitting in different rooms studiously 'not talking'. This feels as if it's becoming a pattern and I don't know how to nip it in the bud. I don't know if it's a sign of something more worrying or just an issue of crappy communication that can be fixed.

I would say that we have a very happy marriage generally, we are friends as well as partners, we make each other laugh, have plenty in common etc. But when we argue things just seem to get blown out of proportion these days and we end up not speaking for hours and hours with a crappy atmosphere. We both hate it but I'm at a loss as to how to change it.

We have very different arguing 'styles' - I tend to 'explode' and then want to sit down and talk it out, he shuts down and doesn't engage. I do get frustrated and door-slammy (not good, I know), he stonewalls. He hates my way of dealing with things, I hate his, neither of us are handling conflict 'well' at the moment. So we get to an impasse.

I went into the sitting room earlier to show him something that had arrived for Christmas and said 'I'm sorry, I just feel really stressed about X' (related to the issue that had sparked this morning's row). He just went 'ok' and stared back at the tv. I get that he's pissed off with me but he just gives me the silent treatment for hours and it drives me spare. He's even made a point of shutting the sitting room door now (we don't usually) ie: don't come in.

I'm so fed up with this. I can cope with the row, it's the hours and hours of stonewalling until he's ready to talk to me that wears me out. I feel like I spend a lot of time and energy supporting him but if I show frustration or fedupness with anything I'm the bad guy.

Has anyone got any advice on how to get better at managing this?

I think you should leave. You have been worn down. Time to exit and make something more of your life...seriously!

I don't want to leave. I want us to communicate better.

I realise there are many picture-perfect marriages on MN where no one ever has a cross word but I think some heated disagreement / arguments in a long-term relationship are normal. We genuinely do love each other and get on great the vast majority of the time.

But I don't want us to get into bad habits, which we seem to be at the moment.

Only read 1st page, sorry, but get yourselves to Couples counselling I think, before it gets any worse. It might also be useful for the “7th job change in 3 years” issue (which is a big red flag) and perhaps he would end up being advised to have individual counselling too. Good luck!

Stonewalling and silent treatment can be abusive but it is also a response to being abused/trauma. I can see how someone would go to that place if the other person is aggressive and reactive. If you are not that way inclined yourself it’s really scary to be subjected to it and the response will be freeze or flight, not fight back.

You flying off the handle because he wants to change jobs sounds like an absolute overreaction and he probably hadn’t prepared himself for that reaction.

Is the silence hrs or days? The post says hrs.

I am the same as you OP. My rant or explosion happens and I cannot stop it. It is the red mist. Upbringing too I think. My parents fought non-stop and I was used to screaming matches. It must be hard for others to understand. But there are underlying problems there. You are harbouring resentment either recent or long-held, it often isn’t just the problem at hand that is the issue.

Arguments, even with occasional shouting is normal.

Stonewalling for days isn’t normal. It’s abusive. He’s the one stonewalling and you’re the one looking for advice to manage the situation.

Door slamming on a very odd occasion, let’s say once a year in severe frustration is not too bad. More than that and it is a lack of control of yourself.

Well, we've spent the last hour 'talking' and it's got us precisely nowhere. I have genuinely tried, I really have, to move the conversation away from nitpicking about who said what when and in what tone of voice, to how we can manage our communication better in future. I feel like I'm begging him to communicate with me, and now he's gone back downstairs to shut himself in the sitting room.

I don't know what else to do.

There's nothing you can do unless you kick him out

This is the method he uses to control you and ultimately to get what he wants

It's really fucking with my head. We've always sorted stuff out in the end, but he just isn't interested in meeting me halfway or trying to come to any compromise today. I don't feel as if he's willing to take any responsibility at all for this dynamic, it's all on me. I literally had to beg him to talk to me.

I'm going to get in the bath and go to bed in the spare room. I'm exhausted.

What you’re describing is you pushing him away.

Stop exploding and go straight to the calmly talking it out phase. That’ll probably sort it out.

It sounds to me as if he is really worried or unhappy about his work situation, and this is coming out in the domestic sphere as well. There are obviously some seriously problems with your DH at work, a couple of misfit jobs is just one of those things but he seems to be a serial unhappy/ unsatisfactory employee. Now he knows that you know this, and he is brooding and boiling inside about it.

Is it possible to get some professional advice about his job or job prospects? He can’t go on being a square peg, the tension will only continue to mount at home as well.

Do you think that you may be really worried about your joint finances as well, and that this is why you are flying off the handle?

I react like your DH to arguments - but it comes from a place of “I need time and space to process my feelings and to be able to explain them adequately, and I cannot do that with you in my face” not I’m going to give you the silent treatment as a punishment

Maybe you have come to the end of what you can do? You can’t force him to address the underlying issues. He deflects to tone policing and creates fights about everything but the issue.

Honestly I would end it. He isn’t a project that you can complete. He is an independent actor who isn’t willing to compromise.

You are being punished by him.
7 jobs in 3 years? WTF?

Have you children?
If not, run.

And that's where he says he was coming from too, which is fair enough, I get that.

But when I said, ok if that's the case we could make an agreement that we could both step away and then you come to me when you want to talk (rather than me going to him before he's 'ready' and both of us getting wound up again) - that was wrong too. I give up!

The job thing is an issue but it's not really the underlying problem, I don't think. There is frustration there for both of us about how it's panned out in the last few years, but it's not the reason why we're so shit at arguing, iyswim. Fundamentally I want him to be happy and (within reason) I'll support him in however he wants to achieve that.

The one thing you should never do on this site is be honest about any flaws you have or mistakes you've made because so many responses will focus on that and nothing else.
It's amazing that so many of you are the queens of calm communication. To have never been annoyed or frustrated enough to slam a door or raise your voice is truly amazing. Bravo.

OP, my husband and I have different communication styles also so we've had similar experiences. I wish I could advise but we haven't quite figured it out yet either.

Its silly to turn this into a “perfect” vs “normal human” issue. OP has a problem—I don’t have that problem—its not because one of us is real and the other impossibly fake its because I’m not married to a sullen jerk and I don’t need to slam doors or badger my husband to get my point across.

OP has the problem and she asked for help. Pretty much everyone gave her lots if good advice ranging from couples therapy to doing her own research on potential communication strategies. She even put one into play snd tried calmly talkingbto him. It didn’t work so she is out if options. Bitching at posters who took the time to read and reply for (supposedly) thinking they are perfect is such childish nonsense. Its pointless distraction masking as empathy. No one is a problem for the OP but herself and her husband. They don’t work well together. No point assigning blame just leave him and choose a better man next time.

Then he is being unreasonable, and it sounds like he isn’t interested in trying to fix it, which is really shit!

Doesn't make your reaction any better just because it's over quickly.

When someone has pissed you off/upset you/made you angry it's not like a switch you can turn off. Sometimes it takes time and it's okay to stew on it for a bit in my opinion.

Some great advice here but I’d say say what you’re saying here to him, honestly! It’s Saturday night, best night for it (Sunday you have to face work the following day). Best of luck

If you like podcasts, there's one called the Secure Love podcast which looks at a relationship where one person has an anxious attachment style and the other an avoidant one. The therapist takes them through a course of 20 sessions designed to stop them having "negative cycles", ie arguments. You might find it resonates, OP, good luck

My ex was like you and when he calmed down he couldn't or wouldn't understand why I wasn't ready to talk to him.

I resented him as it felt like it was all on his terms. He got angry then was the one to decide to make up

It wasn't me stonewalling or giving the silent treatment. I just wasn't over it.

This is exactly how it was for me too with an ex. In my mind you can't just blow up on people and expect them to recover at the same speed as you. For me it absolutley killed any respect and love I had for him. He became an unreliable figure and that's not what I wanted in my life so I left. It sounds like he's really fed up too and that's why he sees no merit with talking about yet another instance of blowing up/apologising.

The only person whose behaviour you can control is yourself. You have a temper problem and you know that. You need to address it first. With counselling, meditation, podcasts, spiritual practice -whatever it takes. His job situation is a secondary issue. You will never find peace in this relationship until you get on top of your temper, in my opinion.