Another weekend not talking to each other

[GRTP]

So yet again DH and I are sitting in different rooms studiously 'not talking'. This feels as if it's becoming a pattern and I don't know how to nip it in the bud. I don't know if it's a sign of something more worrying or just an issue of crappy communication that can be fixed.

I would say that we have a very happy marriage generally, we are friends as well as partners, we make each other laugh, have plenty in common etc. But when we argue things just seem to get blown out of proportion these days and we end up not speaking for hours and hours with a crappy atmosphere. We both hate it but I'm at a loss as to how to change it.

We have very different arguing 'styles' - I tend to 'explode' and then want to sit down and talk it out, he shuts down and doesn't engage. I do get frustrated and door-slammy (not good, I know), he stonewalls. He hates my way of dealing with things, I hate his, neither of us are handling conflict 'well' at the moment. So we get to an impasse.

I went into the sitting room earlier to show him something that had arrived for Christmas and said 'I'm sorry, I just feel really stressed about X' (related to the issue that had sparked this morning's row). He just went 'ok' and stared back at the tv. I get that he's pissed off with me but he just gives me the silent treatment for hours and it drives me spare. He's even made a point of shutting the sitting room door now (we don't usually) ie: don't come in.

I'm so fed up with this. I can cope with the row, it's the hours and hours of stonewalling until he's ready to talk to me that wears me out. I feel like I spend a lot of time and energy supporting him but if I show frustration or fedupness with anything I'm the bad guy.

Has anyone got any advice on how to get better at managing this?

My exh and I were as pp described - him avoidant attachment, me anxious attachment. I was explosive, him shut-down. I was always controlling my emotions until I just shutdown too. We had couples counselling which didn’t resolve the situation. We really did our best.

I think we were simply a mid-match which was exasperated when under stress.

My children demonstrate a similar response when under stress in that they can’t communicate verbally.

I suspect, I communicate and find a relief in conversation where exh communicated physically.

My dh and I had similar issues, and as a last-ditch attempt, we tried couple's counselling, which actually worked for us, so I'd recommend that.
We'd stopped listening to what the other person was actually saying because what we heard didn't match up to what was meant (there was a lot of defensiveness on his part). It was hard, but it really helped us remember how to communicate effectively. 3 yrs later, it still isn't perfect 100% of the time, but we are now aware when we're falling back into bad habits and we deal with it before it gets out of hand. For us, part of that is spending enough time together, as we naturally get on better when we're actually spending quality time together as a couple.

I always think the I'm only human, flawed etc is a complete cop out. It's lame, own your behaviour

He's punishing you for not agreeing with him. I

Silent treatment is the worst. I think you should have some counselling

Someone slamming doors and ‘exploding’ at someone is also abusive.

I wouldn’t want to talk to someone who thinks that’s acceptable either.

Against the grain on man I don’t think showing anger is necessarily abusive.
I think the OP’s husband has a habit of wanting everything on his terms and refusing to engage otherwise and needing things to be perfect for him if he want play ball. I think this is related to his job situation.
I think he is (whether deliberately manipulatively or not) used to getting his own way not by rolling up his sleeves and getting mucky making changes, but by remaining aloof and portraying any issues as someone else’s fault. So the issues dont get fixed - he won’t engage in fixing them. He just gets to glare and seethe that they are not his fault.

I used to have a sulker and be a shouter. It was awful and he made me feel like shit. I never shout now he is my ex. I’ve had some tough conversations , sure, but I’ve had them with people who respect me and are listening to me.

@Newstartplease24 I think you’ve nailed it.

You are getting support and help, you just don’t like what you’re hearing.

Exploding and slamming doors is abusive behaviour. So is stonewalling but you need to properly accept that your behaviour is abusive and needs changing before your dynamic is going to shift. Your partner needs to do the same thing.

I just saved you hundreds of dollars in therapy, you’re welcome.

You need to move from thinking you can just apologise for abusive behaviour to working on not behaving abusively.

Exploding and slamming doors are extreme reactions, either you are at the absolute end of your tether trying to make a relationship that is fundamentally untenable work or if you are not actually dealing with extreme issues or toxic behaviour on your husband’s part, then you really need help with emotional regulation.

In my marriage I'm more like you. I'm explosive and I (used to) slam doors. My husband and I are on different wavelengths when it comes to conflict. He can't handle me being antagonistic when riled up and I can't stand him not understanding me. We don't argue often, but having been together for over a decade I've learnt over the years that I can't change him so if I want a different outcome, I can only change myself and how I behave around him for change. I forgive and forget very quickly. Sometimes too quickly that it can unsettle someone who is deeply hurt. Having realised this a long time ago, I had to learn to appreciate that my husband has a different conflict and reconciliation style, so if I wanted things to be better I had to change. At times in the past, I would see red and had to remove myself from the room to calm down but he would follow me and continually try to engage with me and further the dialogue. Even after I warned him not to talk to me. I see you are doing the same to your husband. He doesn't want to engage with you so leave him alone. Things are much better now with my DH because I see things from his perspective first and respect his needs and boundaries.

I agree with the post 100%. For this approach to work OP also needs to be aware of her own needs and boundaries. If her boundary is a partner with a stable job then changing jobs for the 7th time in 3 years is a boundary-breaker. OP you need to define what your boundaries actually are and stand by them calmly. Shouting is a learned behaviour and could be unlearned (I speak from experience). You really need to learn to communicate "heart to heart" so both parties hear the feelings. I will recommend a book Why Women Talk and Men Walk for the 2nd time. It's cheaper than counselling. It has a chapter 50 ways women insult a man without trying. It also has a chapter Why women leave. Written by the male-female team of family therapists

@Kosenrufugirl “Why Women Talk and Men Walk for the 2nd time. It's cheaper than counselling.”

I wish I’d had this recommendation 10 years ago. I’ve downloaded it on Kindle.

This is really not OK. And an empty apology after means absolutely nothing when you have no intention of stopping.

You're making him shut down. He's trying not to engage with you because he doesn't want you to explode again.

You are worrying about the relationship and trying to fix it…. What’s he doing? Nothing by the sounds of it… just making himself feel better in the short term by punishing you/making you feel bad.

either he doesn’t care or doesn’t have the skills to fix…

find out which. Skills can be learned , doesn’t care won’t change..

My guess is he’s checked out and given up. I don’t think he’s feeling particularly good either after having an explosion of anger aimed at him.

A lot of people here who stopped reading after the third paragraph of the first post. Her third post made clear that on this occasion she did not explode but he is still giving her the silent treatment.

I tend towards silent brooding, although I do try not to, and it's usually a bout of intense self-loathing about whatever the argument featured. Is he upset with himself about the job issue?

This is not a marriage that's going to last.

Unless they read this and agree to attempt its principles. Then they both stand a chance

The book prescription is for one person to change their behaviour and let the partner see the positive changes as the proof this book gives good advice. Man or a woman - it's doesn't matter. The only behaviour we can change is our own. When we change our environment changes too

But exploding is her argument style so I’m not surprised they aren’t getting anywhere discussing the matter. He doesn’t know how she will react if he doesn’t agree with her so he’d rather not discuss it. Or he’s just genuinely fed up and doesn’t care anymore.