Another weekend not talking to each other

[GRTP]

So yet again DH and I are sitting in different rooms studiously 'not talking'. This feels as if it's becoming a pattern and I don't know how to nip it in the bud. I don't know if it's a sign of something more worrying or just an issue of crappy communication that can be fixed.

I would say that we have a very happy marriage generally, we are friends as well as partners, we make each other laugh, have plenty in common etc. But when we argue things just seem to get blown out of proportion these days and we end up not speaking for hours and hours with a crappy atmosphere. We both hate it but I'm at a loss as to how to change it.

We have very different arguing 'styles' - I tend to 'explode' and then want to sit down and talk it out, he shuts down and doesn't engage. I do get frustrated and door-slammy (not good, I know), he stonewalls. He hates my way of dealing with things, I hate his, neither of us are handling conflict 'well' at the moment. So we get to an impasse.

I went into the sitting room earlier to show him something that had arrived for Christmas and said 'I'm sorry, I just feel really stressed about X' (related to the issue that had sparked this morning's row). He just went 'ok' and stared back at the tv. I get that he's pissed off with me but he just gives me the silent treatment for hours and it drives me spare. He's even made a point of shutting the sitting room door now (we don't usually) ie: don't come in.

I'm so fed up with this. I can cope with the row, it's the hours and hours of stonewalling until he's ready to talk to me that wears me out. I feel like I spend a lot of time and energy supporting him but if I show frustration or fedupness with anything I'm the bad guy.

Has anyone got any advice on how to get better at managing this?

Give him a few hours on his own then try and have a chat. I think we can all let ourselves down sometimes in arguments, that’s just life, but if this pattern is really starting to impact the relationship then you both need to work on it together and he needs to be aware that he has some responsibility to do so as well.

He may not like you slamming doors etc, but you don’t like him giving you the silent treatment and withholding communication, it’s a two way street.

Counselling may well do it if the rest of your relationship is generally fine.

If it were man behaving that way we’d call it abusive. No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to you.

I'm sorry OP but this doesn't sound like a happy marriage. You're both at fault, silent treatment is bad but so is slamming doors and screaming/yelling.
You can only change yourself and hope that a change in your behavior triggers a change in him. Maybe counseling? Or try a breathing technique next time your about to explode (your word).

Surely stonewalling isn't taking a breather for hours but not talking for days. I think losing it and door-slamming isn't healthy. I'm the same, DP doesn't like it either and thinks I'm attacking him then he retreats.
We haven't come up with a solution.

Former kid here from a marriage of a sulker and a shouter sheer misery. Sulking could go on for up to 6 weeks. My first husband was inconsiderate and a mummy’s boy. I had only learned what I had lived so shouted. It took me into my second marriage to learn how to discuss and resolve without a war. Parents continued to make each other miserable for nearly 70 years.
if couple counselling is not an option , your should split then work on yourself before another relationship. Please don’t bring children into this, we never lose the scars

I hope you don’t have dc living in the middle of all this? 😳

My dh is like you and I’m like your dh. We used to be like this before dc but now we know we just need to snap out of it. He’s learnt that shouting and slamming doors is completely unacceptable and doesn’t do it anymore. It makes me feel really awful and doesn’t actually achieve anything. In turn I’ve learnt to stop shutting myself off and we generally just quickly say sorry and carry on as if the row has never happened, even if it hasn’t been completely resolved. Life is too short.

I am sorry you are having a bad week end OP, I know exactly what you mean.
I don't slam doors but I am loud, brash and fidgety (ADHD), DH is quiet, sensible and can stonewall you for days (weeks for his mum😱), I swear when he does that I could kill him (the rage it induce in me is legendary) BUT we have been together 25 years so you can and will reach a compromise. First get out of the house, go for a walk/coffee, ideally go see a friend (not family members they will make it worse) and download.
When you are both in a happy place (dinner ?) let him know calmly how it make you feel when he does that and make him talk, try to see how it is for him. Nothing wrong between you two, you just need to understand how you both work in stress situations.
Now if I feel manic/hyper, I tell him (literally) I am unreasonable today, don't mind me and he just tell me he had a bad day and I know he needs quiet. Have a nice afternoon OP and I hope you both resolve your issue soon and enjoy a pre-christmas week end 😊.

Neither approach is great. You seem to think your reaction is understandable and that his is the problem. He probably thinks his is understandable and yours is the issue. Together it isn't working, but together you have a chance to fix it.

My mother was loud, explosive and fiery. My father goes quiet and withdraws. Often for weeks. There was no emotional security as their child.

I had a previous partner like you who would react quite strongly. Slams doors /shout and such and I found the best way I could cope and hope didn't escalate things was to be quiet and as still as possible. It was a horrible way to live.
Do you ever stop and think you scare them? Or they worry you may go further and break somthing or maybe the neighbours will hear .
But really you need to get to the reasons why you are arguing so much . And try to stop

The way your husband reacts is very abusive, controlling, and coercive

Unfortunately, because you yell and slam and scream you don't have the moral highground, which you could do with, with this stupid childish pathetic husband of yours

Why in gods name does he want to change jobs AGAIN? What's the matter with him?

You seem to think your reaction is understandable and that his is the problem

Please at least read my posts where I have repeatedly said that I am aware of my failings. My point is simply that even when I try to apologise and talk to DH, I get nothing back and I am therefore asking for advice on how to manage this.

I am fully aware of my part in any argument but this seems daft. I feel as if I am unable to show any emotion about any difficult and stressful situation without him shutting down and refusing to engage. I can't fix issues on my own.

I'm not some screeching abusive monster, there aren't any children around, I'm just tired and stressed and feeling as if I'm constantly having to just suck it up without making a peep.

Anyway, thank you to those who have been helpful and understanding.

There appears to be a lot of pent up frustration and because underlying issues aren’t resolved they will keep on cropping up.

It’s time for a professional, if you leave it any longer the corrosion that has set in might not be reversible.

@GRTP I think you picked one line out my post that was actually quite balanced and fair overall - I tried to point out that he is seeing it from a different point of view, of course, and that you have an opportunity to fix this together.

Here's what I actually said:

You seem to think your reaction is understandable and that his is the problem. He probably thinks his is understandable and yours is the issue. Together it isn't working, but together you have a chance to fix it.

Screaming and shouting and slamming doors to get your point across is abuse, absolutely. It's called emotional abuse and it could come from either a man or a woman, it really doesn't matter

Yep, that's bad. You sound really incompatible,. If you cant even talk about it. You need outside help or just split. This is a miserable existence.

Couples therapy?

Do you like reading? If you do I highly recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk book. Available from Amazon for about a tenner. It's written by a male-female team of family therapists so both perspectives provided. Cheaper than counselling

Someone stonewalling for days and refusing to talk about issues so they can be solved is so far beyond frustrating. It’s emotional abuse IMO. If you have no kids, I’d leave.

Actuallly that just as crap.

Instead of stonewalling, he should be able to raise the isdue in an adult manner. Explain how it’s affecting him and ask the OP to find another way to express herself/go away to calm down/whatever.

Stonewalling is PA and, as the name says, it is incredibly aggressive.

Thats not a ‘normal’ reaction at all.

I would not put up with this! It is not normal! This is not the way a normal relationship is conducted. You have been led to believe this is normal.

I have much sympathy for you.
X

So he wants to change his job for the seventh time in three years. You get exasperated and shout. He then sulks and ignores you, hoping if he does it for long enough then you'll apologise and tell him to go for that new job - the one you know he won't like any better than the previous ones.

I don't blame you for being exasperated, OP.

You’ve gone in & said sorry! I would leave him to his sulk. Then when he decides he wants to talk, I’d explain that this silent treatment approach of dealing with conflict needs to be addressed.

So he wants to change his job for the seventh time in three years

So I'm guessing that this is at the heart of it all?

He's not happy at work/in general?

Do you argue a lot?

You both need to learn to argue better and techniques de-escalation.

@MounjaroOnMyMind Pretty much, yes.

I've been (imo, of course) completely supportive about all the job issues over the past years - and I'm actually supportive of him moving on again this time because the current situation it is clearly untenable. But...it has to be the right move, not just frying pan / fire, and that's what the row was about.